And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

[Doktor Howl]

Feeling down?  Broke your F5 button and now you can't have your PD party?  You say your cat crawled up through the wheel well of your car before you started it up, and now you have a gooey fan belt?  Your wife ran off with ECH's brand new butthole?

Life can be rough.  We here at The First Reformed Church of the White-Hot Ball of Fun know that.  We know the drugs are shit, and do nothing.  We know that you can't seem to get laid right, because your partner hasn't got enough orifices.  We know that the tax man knows you by your first name, the local cops want to look in your underwear drawer, and perverts at the NSA are wanking to recordings of your phone calls.

But what do we DO about all this mishegoss?  What can be done when the Lone Ranger's ridden out of town, the Big Gay Cowboys are too busy to be BIG and GAY and COWBOY all at the same time, and your alarm clock screams at you in the voice of dead cancer babies every morning?  How can you deal with those automated traffic ticket machine thingies and all that thumping coming out of Margaret Thatcher's coffin?

Break shit. 

That's right, break shit.  Run laminated paper through the copy machine.  Kill your alarm clock with a big hammer.  Take all of the hardware out of your boss's desk.  Back your car over a No Parking sign.

Sound juvenile?  Of course it does...But how's that whole "adulthood" thing been working out for you?  How has TOEING THE LINE and STAYING QUIET and BEING POLITE TO ASSHOLES been benefiting you?  We here in The Church™ are willing to bet it hasn't been working out as well as promised.  That there are factory defects in the product you have been sold, that the warranty is garbage and the help desk is just an automated recording telling you JUST HOW IMPORTANT YOUR CALL IS TO US, NO PLEASE LISTEN TO ANOTHER 3 HOURS OF THIS WONDERFUL MUSIC WE GOT FOR CHEAP.

Let us be your new Help Desk.  OUR automated response is the sound of the 1945 Dresden Choir, screaming out their love for you, and our message has nothing to do with the importance of your call.  No, our message is how to engage in sneaky sabotage and revenge, how to TELL YOUR ASSHOLE CO-WORKERS WHAT.

Please note that none of our assistance will by any means make things better.  What it WILL do is make you feel better, and that's the important thing...If it doesn't seem to be the important thing, then that's just another indication of how deep you've sunk into the cess pit of a world run by deranged monkeys.

Call today.

[LMNO]

BRB, gonna smear white-out in the copier.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

GIVE ME THAT GODDAMN NUMBER. 

[EK WAFFLR]

Breaking my alarm clock with a hammer is part if my daily routine. I LIKE this church!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  I like this.

[Ben Shapiro]

I take my sweet fucking time when some meat head won't fuck off at the gym when he "needs" to use the machine I'm on.

[Doktor Howl]

That's the spirit, Bearman.  And don't wipe it down when you're done. 

[Junkenstein]

Consider the therapeutic value of tool shops. Do you have a decent lump hammer? Crowbar? Do you even have a big fucking stick?

No?

Then get one. Then find something to hit. Doesn't matter what or who it is, just find a nice secluded spot to beat the living fuck out of your object of choice.

I know grown adults who have yet to experience the catharsis and spiritual enlightenment that comes through vigorous application of direct force. Seriously, there are people out there that don't know how good it feels to break a windscreen or two. Let's face it, it's good practice for when the ravening pack eventually decides to turn on you. You won't win, but you might leave a few more scars.

Hitting things - For a happier future.

[Ben Shapiro]

That's the spirit, Bearman.  And don't wipe it down when you're done. 

I get to the pleasure of seeing him later in the shower and hear him call me a faggot in spanish; after I just caught him staring at me naked. Apparently having long hair makes you one. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. The butthurt nomnomnomnom. I guess he though I was the fat sack a shit, and then he saw my huge upper body, and quickly shut the fuck up.

[Junkenstein]

That's the spirit, Bearman.  And don't wipe it down when you're done. 

I get to the pleasure of seeing him later in the shower and hear him call me a faggot in spanish; after I just caught him staring at me naked. Apparently having long hair makes you one. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. The butthurt nomnomnomnom. I guess he though I was the fat sack a shit, and then he saw my huge upper body, and quickly shut the fuck up.

Have you considered being more vocal? Like, enthusiastic about exercise? Like, reallly enthusiastic? Like "Finishing with the machine is just such a relief" enthusiastic?

Give it a try, I think you'll be impressed with the results.

[Ben Shapiro]

I model myself after the great one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHcjmOtUSXM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fe92m7nF7s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DfWcMZys48

[GrannySmith]

HALLELUYA DR.HOWL AND HELL YEAH!!

I'm still having trouble telling my asshole coworker (a particular one) to fuck off, but i'm working on that!

On the street though, at the (famous) german autobahn, when I'm in the left lane and the asshole from behind is going as near as he would in a red light, I do take my time. and i clean the front shield with the feeling I'm spitting at his car muahaha muahaha

i will try to keep this thread in mind

and yes, the tool shop is one of my favourite places! though i let off some steam with halfassed diy instead of hitting stuff
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGlEptqoRmM)

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

This would be awesome, printed out, with some number at the bottom on tear-away strips. But what number? Snap-On Tools?  website for the BIP ?

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

That's the spirit, Bearman.  And don't wipe it down when you're done.

Don't wipe ANYTHING down when you're done, Bearman. At least where that guy is concerned. 

[Junkenstein]

Maybe even wipe yourself on it more somehow.