Dispatches from a Foreign Land

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Doktors,

As I write this, I am passing over Hudson's Bay, a huge & horrible wasteland...Sort of like God's ice cube tray, now with added black flies.  I have as of this moment, been back in the land of the living for 12 hours.  However, 6 of those hours were spent sitting on the tarmac while mechanics put the forward cargo door back on; it having apparently just sort of fell off.  A 747/400 is an absurdly large aircraft, so I was a little surprised that anyone noticed.  Nothing to worry about, just Tucson trying to bring us back home the fast way.

It IS in fact a huge aircraft.  The fact that something this large can actually get off the ground is somehow insulting in a vague sort of way.  It certainly has no business 6 miles up, blasting along at 500 MPH.  There are 10 seats per row, each seat large enough for a good-sized circus midget, and the seat cushions may be flotation devices, but they are certainly not very cushiony.  I have 6-7 more hours on this flight, and I fear for my ass.

Also, there are no utility outlets on this ancient thing, so my battery life is limited.  In fact, the only reason I am using this laptop is to recharge my e-cig batteries.  The flight attendants do not know what to do about the e-cig, incidentally.  Since the TSA allows the airlines to make the decision, I figured I would just use the damn thing and see what happened.  I am being very carefully ignored by Hessian women who fear no passenger, provided the rules  are clear.  But suddenly they are NOT clear, and the Teutonic lovelies have no structure.  My actions led to what seems to be a general uprising, and those with e-cigs are using them.  Those primitive nicotine addicts who still rely on combustion are helpless with envy.  Hans in the seat next to me, for example.

Hans is a nice fellow, and we've cheerfully talked about the 30 years war for the last 3 hours, which seems to be annoying the other Germans on the flight.  It's not the war they object to, it's the idea that - before said war - the Germans were the least orderly and/or disciplined people in Europe.  I gather that it is like reminding people that Jim Bowie was a human-trafficking scumbag, and that Santa Anna was the GOOD GUY.  While it may be TRUE, it is one of those truths that people do not wish to hear about.  An inconvenient fact, as welcome as a turd in the bedsheets.

We are flying into the dawn, and I cannot see it.  The window shades are required to be in the down position, and the observation deck (this is the BIG 747) is closed, after some sort of incident involving the bathroom.  After the huge delay on the ground, and someone being hauled off the plane by federal police during said wait, nobody wants to ask about the bathroom.  The person's hand was dyed blue, they say, and there's only one way that happens at 36000 feet...And nobody wants to talk about it except me.

I have used fully 10% of my battery life so far.   This isn't looking good.  What the hell is this country coming to, when HP can sell us shit batteries and get away with it?  Granted, I am charging 2 e-cig batteries and a Zune, but still.
We are on our 3rd in flight movie, all of which have been chick flicks, the first one starring the Tony Soprano guy, and which seemed to have less plot than Lost in Translation.  It was basically dinner, party, dinner, party, sex (after the fact) with a woman 2/3rds his age, dinner, dinner, dinner, lesbian sex with the woman in question and some other lady that appeared in the movie just for that purpose (again, you see the afterglow, 70s-action film style, but not the actual gymnastics.  I'm okay with that.  Tony Soprano.)  Dinner, dinner, party, movie over.  There was no conflict, let alone resolution.  I feel ripped off.  With Tony Soprano involved, I expect people being stuffed in oil barrels in between dinner parties and bouts of the sort of sex that leaves all the sheets on the bed (seriously, who does that?).

My ass is falling off, and we aren't even over the Atlantic yet.  If I don't make it through this, have my sore-ridden carcass flung out of a plane over Tucson.  I shall take care of the rest of the arrangements myself.  WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS TRIP FOR FUN?  I do not have a boney ass.  No.  I am unfortunately well padded, yet I am in agony.  And I am not alone.  At least 25 people have gotten dramatic and very sudden motion sickness, and the plane smells like a frat house on a Sunday morning.

I should have stayed safely dead in Tucson, where there is only one smell.  That of a full ashtray 6 days after the party.  Disgusting, yes, but far better than this planeload of unwashed and puking freaks.  The lady two seats over is wearing the Muslim head dress thingie, and it looks like a Jawa being sick.

Chick flick number 3 seems to be one of those "men are the new women" flicks, stars nobody, and has no plot.  The guy between me and the ill Muslim lady has taken his shoes off for reasons unknown, and I may well throw up on him.  SOCKS.  THEY EXIST FOR A REASON.  Oh, and one of the flight attendants dropped a pot of coffee in the aisle, lightly scalding Felipe and the Italian lady in front of me...The lady that complained to the crew that Hans and I were being too loud.  RAT OUT A HOLY MAN, WILL YOU?  Too bad Felipe was collateral damage.  Anyway, my battery is now green, so I shall sign off for now, until I get to the hotel and REMEMER TO PLUG THE VOLTAGE ADAPTOR IN TO THE WALL BEFORE THE LAPTOP.  380 volts 50 hertz?  WHY?  WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE LIKE US?

More later.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This was surprisingly delightful. "Large enough for a good-sized circus midget". 

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

O.o Tucson says you don't need a door so you don't need a door. And it was put back on anyway? My my, someone wants a spanking.

Glad you dodged the hot coffee. Remember to sigh with great satisfaction after each puff of your e-cig.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

In Hanau now.  I could listen to the fucking German weatherman all day.  Their language rocks.  30 feet from my hotel room is the Old City wall, which is about 400 years old.  It's not maintained, and nobody has wrecked it.  This area wasn't bombed in WWII, so I imagine everyone just likes their nice stuff.

The news guy is now talking about John Kerry. I can't understand a word, but he's definitely laughing.  It's about 7C here, and they're now talking about the winter disaster on the East coast/Midwest.  I came for the artic weather, but I stayed for the nice brisk fall day.

Seriously, if I could stay here forever, I would.  This place is awesome.  Not that I've seen anyone...Hanau shuts down out of season, and we found ONE (1) restaurant open for the weekend.  Also, it's 8 AM, and the sun isn't properly up yet.  I think this may very well be heaven.

Mike has sulked in his room all day and night, after I wouldn't let him rent a Porshe.  He doesn't need a fucking Porshe.  It only seats two and the other three of us have agreed that we are doing NO DRIVING.  So we wound up with something Mercedes that looks suspiciously like a minivan.  A proper minivan?  No.  It had to be a Mercedes.  If you've ever ridden in a Mercedes, you're already laughing.  They are Shriner cars.  We are large people.  It isn't funny, so shut up.

Also, it turns out that the only actual workdays we have here are Tuesday and Wednesday.  We are going to make Mike take us to castles and cathedrals.  Pictures will be posted on my return. 

One odd thing.  We took one pic at the Hanau church, and we all look pasty white and kinda translucent.  No joke.

I TOLD YOU WE WERE DEAD.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Something occurred to me.  The funniest part about Americans, to Germans, seems to be the idea of "rugged individualism" or even individualism as expressed by Americans.

"No wonder your government fucks you.  You are disorganized.  You are easy prey."

They might be onto something.  Maybe we've been doing it wrong.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

We are going to go crawl around in some castles and shit.  Back in 6 hours or so, which is when most of You People will be awake, anyway.

More later.

[Ben Shapiro]

GO ROGER GO!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Just returned from Heidelberg Castle.  We got lost finding it, after accidentally driving under it.  In any case, once we found parking (4 floors below ground, there's something here about burrowing that vaguely disturbs me), we decided it would be manly to walk up to the castle, rather than taking the tram.

That's 1100 meters at a 30 degree grade.

Thank God I quit smoking and stuck with the treadmill.  I was breathing pretty hard at the top, but when I turned around, Felipe was 300 meters behind, and Steve & Mike were 800 meters back leaning against the wall.  Pictures of this and the castle when I get back to the states.

In any case, I was blown away.  Access to about 50% of the castle is restricted, due to reconstruction and/or preservation efforts, but it still took 4 hours to tour the rest.

And this isn't some frou-frou castle, though the interior artwork is intense.  The approach we came up reveals what can't be see from the valley floor:  The castle batteries dominate the river, and the actual approach has multiple switchbacks with firing ports (for matchlocks, this castle is post-gunpowder) and there's a twitchy feeling you get when you realize the roof above you is riddled with murder holes.  Entire galleries exist only as a killing jar for attacking forces.  If you had 200 men, you could hold off tens of thousands. It's badass.

And then there's the artwork.  Rows of statues, going up 7 floors in the courtyard.  Frescoes, you name it.  And the winery/brewery has casks the size of large boilers.  The apothecary museum is worth the trip all by itself.

I highly recommend it.  But now I am worn the fuck out, and Steve has been paralyzed by car sickness.  The autobahn didn't agree with him.

[Cain]

Steve has been paralyzed by car sickness.  The autobahn didn't agree with him

Those fancy foreign foods always mess people's stomachs up.  Autobahn is the worst.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Steve has been paralyzed by car sickness.  The autobahn didn't agree with him

Those fancy foreign foods always mess people's stomachs up.  Autobahn is the worst.

I told him to boil it first, but you know Americans.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Something occurred to me.  The funniest part about Americans, to Germans, seems to be the idea of "rugged individualism" or even individualism as expressed by Americans.

"No wonder your government fucks you.  You are disorganized.  You are easy prey."

They might be onto something.  Maybe we've been doing it wrong.

I rather suspect so.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Just returned from Heidelberg Castle.  We got lost finding it, after accidentally driving under it.  In any case, once we found parking (4 floors below ground, there's something here about burrowing that vaguely disturbs me), we decided it would be manly to walk up to the castle, rather than taking the tram.

That's 1100 meters at a 30 degree grade.

Thank God I quit smoking and stuck with the treadmill.  I was breathing pretty hard at the top, but when I turned around, Felipe was 300 meters behind, and Steve & Mike were 800 meters back leaning against the wall.  Pictures of this and the castle when I get back to the states.

In any case, I was blown away.  Access to about 50% of the castle is restricted, due to reconstruction and/or preservation efforts, but it still took 4 hours to tour the rest.

And this isn't some frou-frou castle, though the interior artwork is intense.  The approach we came up reveals what can't be see from the valley floor:  The castle batteries dominate the river, and the actual approach has multiple switchbacks with firing ports (for matchlocks, this castle is post-gunpowder) and there's a twitchy feeling you get when you realize the roof above you is riddled with murder holes.  Entire galleries exist only as a killing jar for attacking forces.  If you had 200 men, you could hold off tens of thousands. It's badass.

And then there's the artwork.  Rows of statues, going up 7 floors in the courtyard.  Frescoes, you name it.  And the winery/brewery has casks the size of large boilers.  The apothecary museum is worth the trip all by itself.

I highly recommend it.  But now I am worn the fuck out, and Steve has been paralyzed by car sickness.  The autobahn didn't agree with him.

Someday, I want to see this! I shall.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I told you it would be better than Nashville.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I told you it would be better than Nashville.

We did have our first brush with Teutonic rudeness, which actually makes me feel better about this place...It was seeming too good to be true.

We asked the lady running the gift shop where the funilcar to the valley was, and she said (in an otherwise empty shop) "I don't have time to answer questions."

The funilcar entrance was 60 feet away, around a corner.  One of the guards told us where it was, and mentioned that the lady in the gift shop "is from Bavaria, and thus cannot be held accountable" (Apparently, Bavaria is sort of like Texas).

I didn't mention that earlier.  They repurposed two resupply tunnels, 300 meters long, and now have a subway at a 28 degree angle  (did I mention that they burrow, here?).  We could have ridden that up, but we were feeling manly.  We didn't feel manly at the top, we felt like emphysema victims.

[Cain]

Bavaria is a bit...weird.  I don't know if can be exactly compared to Texas...it's mostly Catholic in a Protestant country, it's more luxurious than the austere north, more decadent and libertine, with a greater love of life and appreciation for joy, but those traits can easily be inverted when the darker side of Bavaria comes to the fore.  It is also the Nazi heartland, after all.  Unrestrained id, maybe.