Discordian concept record available

[Nebuchadnezzar Capon]

Greetings,

I have been around for a very long time, but I'm new around here.

I am seeking 4 Discordians on terra firma --- one on each of the following 4 continents --- to experience a mind-altering new concept record:

- North America (unavailable at present)
- South America - participant required
- Europe - participant required
- Africa (unavailable at present)
- Asia - participant required
- Australia - participant required
- Antarctica (unavailable at present)

The work is presented in physical form: a pack comprising a CD and a Listeners' Guide, which will be dispatched at no charge via the inter-continental postal system.

So if you are in South America, Europe, Asia or Australia and feel the urge to participate, send me a PM now. (If more than one person gets in touch from the same continent, the record will be dispatched to the person who gets in touch first, or perhaps last).

Thank you for your time; it's running out.

Nebuchadnezzar Capon

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Time ran out a long time ago.  That's why there's so much "retro" shit.  We're recycling.  Hell, even the movies are all about your granddad's superhero comics.  Clothing styles are taken from 1960, and all the cars are Edsels.

Personally, I fled to 1979.  Nigel says that's a bad idea, but you and I both know that The Future is bad for you.  So I'm shaking my ass to Abba and Gloria Gaynor, and those people who feel that they MUST live in 2014 can scream all they like as they're led off to the camps.  I'm playing Pong, and I can't hear them.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.

Nigel is here to punish The Future, because it's been bad and it won't HUSH and SIT DOWN.

But I would totally freak him.  I would freak him wearing the harness I made for Freaky's little dog.  The one we tested on the midget.  The shock harness, you know what I mean.  There's no time left.  The hourglass is empty...But my love for new people is not.  It is a truck.  A great big truck, driven by some fuckwit with too much back hair and a BAD ATTITUDE.  In short, me.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.

Nigel is here to punish The Future, because it's been bad and it won't HUSH and SIT DOWN.

But I would totally freak him.  I would freak him wearing the harness I made for Freaky's little dog.  The one we tested on the midget.  The shock harness, you know what I mean.  There's no time left.  The hourglass is empty...But my love for new people is not.  It is a truck.  A great big truck, driven by some fuckwit with too much back hair and a BAD ATTITUDE.  In short, me.

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting up the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm just saying I love it, is all.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting put the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.

Actually, that sounds remarkably like 1979.  Waiting for days to get into the club (only the sexy people please) where you can snort coke until it rinses away that troubling personality you had, then waking up with a needle in your arm in a filthy bed with someone you don't even recognize by face, let alone name, with the herpes boogalooing up and down your spinal column and your face prematurely lined.

It's great.  It's everything I ever demanded.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting put the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.

Actually, that sounds remarkably like 1979.  Waiting for days to get into the club (only the sexy people please) where you can snort coke until it rinses away that troubling personality you had, then waking up with a needle in your arm in a filthy bed with someone you don't even recognize by face, let alone name, with the herpes boogalooing up and down your spinal column and your face prematurely lined.

It's great.  It's everything I ever demanded.

It sounds like the one thing 1979 really has in common with the Future is that they're both more fun than you really wanted.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It sounds like the one thing 1979 really has in common with the Future is that they're both more fun than you really wanted.

Well, it's like a dog eating meat...They'll eat and eat until they DIE, if you let them.  Same thing goes for fun.  You can jam it up your sinus cavities until your heart explodes out your ass like Evel Kneivel on a rocket sled, if you want.

And most people want.  All that Portland and Providence and Tucson ever gave anyone was what they yelled and hollered for...Doesn't matter which year.

The difference is that The Future wants to say "HI, THERE!" whether or not you want to meet it.  1979 waits for YOU to come to IT.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

See, THIS point in time may seem like a bad sci-fi story, with Nigel's dirty love eclipsing any hope of redemption, there's no victory, no glory, none of that stuff.  Just Nigel rubbing up against you in a way that SHOULDN'T be sexy, but IS.  But it's the wrong kind of sexy, and you feel all filthy even trying to FORGET that it ever happened!

Don't even bother.  You can't forget.  You can smash your brain flat with booze or pills or that new drug you take online.  It doesn't help.  Now you're traumatized AND you're fucked up.

But it doesn't stop there.  If only it would!  Because next come ECH and LMNO, doing that dance, you know the one.  And while they dance on your head & torso, Twid comes out jabbering and chittering in the Irish "language" and steals your credit cards.

The Future™:  NOT on your side.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

And sometimes The Future™ can be a whole LOT like a sci-fi story.  Nobody's heard from Pixie or Payne since the Nessie stories, and thus we don't even TALK about visiting Southampton anymore.  And we stay away from the storm drains here in Tucson.  Yes.  We haven't got big enough sewers for Nessies, but sometimes the utility workers get drunk and sob about dead babies oozing and slithering around in the pipes.  But then we beat the utility geeks across the neck until they shut up, til they shut their stupid mouths, because who wants to hear THAT sort of shit on a nice night in 1979, when love is in the air and the music is playing?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The Future™, it seems, is built the same way the past was...On gigantic stacks of bones.  Those used to be Native American bones, and the bones of Black people and Chinese people and so on.  In this Future™, though, we are far more egilitarian.  Any old bones will do.  Yours, for example.  Or mine.  Or your kids, off to some horrible foreign war, or that nice old man down the street that was taken away in a government van, and nobody will say why.

Because - and this is the important part - Nigel lies.  This isn't the future!  It's some horrible facsimile of the future that They built around you while you were sleeping.  The Future™ is bullshit.  It never happened, and I hope it never does.

[Suu]

In the Future™, there is no central government. All citizens are required to report to their designated corporation upon successful completion of their educational program as planned upon their birth by said corporation. You have one purpose, citizen: To work. To create profit. To live. In that order. There is no living in the Future™ until you work, and no living unless through that work, you create a profit for your Corporation. Through profit, you gain the right to vote, to own property, to be successfully nourished and provided for. There are no rights if you are not willing to earn them, so sayeth the Corporation. Don't even try to quit your job, or get another one, to be Unemployed is a fate worse than death in the Future™. Just keep working, citizen, it's for the greater good for everyone.