Author Topic: Am I Being Selfish?  (Read 3224 times)

LuciferX

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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2016, 06:08:50 am »
All the above.  And I love what Alan Watts describes as/in "The Wisdom of Insecurity".
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2016, 12:23:46 pm »
Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

This is probably correct. I'm sure we've all seen relationships where one party is more invested than the other and it becomes fucking horrible when kids/dependents/major sacrifices are involved. Any of those and many more can lead to a bitter shitshow.

There are other points to remark on, particularly in regards to ages and careers but I am unsure HD you want to be lectured at by horrible old people.
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2016, 01:14:39 pm »
Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

Sure, once commitments have been made and plans have been hashed out for how both parties want to build their life together, that has to carry weight. They're not there yet, though, this is the negotiation phase. She's 19 and trying to start her career, and for some reason likes this chump enough to hope that he'll be there with her. And he's bitching that their relationship as TEENAGERS isn't enough for her to abandon her dream job over, like he ate some True Wuv bullshit and hasn't vomited it back up yet.
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2016, 01:55:50 pm »
Couple things:

1: You guys are wicked young. 19 and 20? Here's the godawful truth: Your lives are going to change over 9000 times before you turn 30. Fuck, they're going to change at least half that before you're mature enough to get married. Now, I'm not saying you cannot and should not consider marriage at a young age, everybody's relationship is different, however, I married at 24 and in retrospect, I was too damn young. That lasted for 2 years before we separated, and it was  shitty experience. I got married again at 32, and I'm a completely different person now. The way I communicate with my husband is different, the way we manage our lives is different, and that's not throwing the military, and the bouts of true long-distance relationship in the mix.

2: Long-distance is hard as fuck. Now, again, my example is not your life. But from my perspective of looking back at myself at age 20, I would have failed miserably at this. For the majority of our marriage and a good portion of our dating, my husband has been at some distance. While I wouldn't call the time he was in Portsmouth while I was still in Providence long-distance, he did spend 3 months in Guam for training, and then 7 months in San Diego while I was still in Portsmouth. In that time, we saw each other twice. This of course does not count for any underways or deployments, which are their own animals and aren't comparable.

Oh, we're definitely too young now, for marriage and kids. I'm mostly conflicted with the idea of considering marriage and kids before you reach the milestones that are highest in priority to you. I guess I started this whole thing with my feelings and justification for those feelings, instead of what I wanted to happen, and my justifications.

I want her to take that job offer if she gets the chance. I want her to move on if she has to. Whether I am able to move out with her or not shouldn't matter AT ALL. I want her to forget about marriage and kids until that milestone is achieved, otherwise she will never be truly dedicated to a family lifestyle. By considering marriage and kids before that milestone, she is pretending that the significance of of that potential family life outweighs her obviously higher priority of a career. Either that, or she is lying to herself, and by cause and effect, lying to me. I don't want to consider marriage and children with someone whom I know is quite easily going to leave me within the next couple of years for bigger and better things. That would not be fair to her, and it would not be fair to me.

I've made it clear to her that long distance is not an option. Not for any longer than a few months, anyways. Hence, why I encourage her to go take an internship far away if it forwards her career, and that I will be here for her when she gets back. As you said, as you got older, the way you and your husband communicate and manage your lives is completely different. I know for a fact that neither me, nor my girlfriend are capable of a long-distance relationship like that, because we're not experienced enough for that. I can easily tell the difference between a young relationship, and the long successful ones that I try to mimic. There is certainly something(s) missing in this current relationship that I see in those eternal ones. It could be something that just comes as the relationship ages. It may be because we're young and stupid. I won't know for sure until much later.

Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

I agree, and that is why I've encouraged her to take the offer regardless of our relationship. I've made that fact very clear.

Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

This is probably correct. I'm sure we've all seen relationships where one party is more invested than the other and it becomes fucking horrible when kids/dependents/major sacrifices are involved. Any of those and many more can lead to a bitter shitshow.

There are other points to remark on, particularly in regards to ages and careers but I am unsure HD you want to be lectured at by horrible old people.

Yeah, I've lived through it. I've been on the receiving end as a dependent. And I will alienate myself before I let something like that happen to a child of mine.

Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

Sure, once commitments have been made and plans have been hashed out for how both parties want to build their life together, that has to carry weight. They're not there yet, though, this is the negotiation phase. She's 19 and trying to start her career, and for some reason likes this chump enough to hope that he'll be there with her. And he's bitching that their relationship as TEENAGERS isn't enough for her to abandon her dream job over, like he ate some True Wuv bullshit and hasn't vomited it back up yet.

You know, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, because you're generally an amazing person, and you never usually talk shit unless there's a reason for it. I'm going to assume that you've simply misread something, or didn't pay as much attention as you normally do. I appreciate your input more than most, and I will take it to heart. But let me make myself clear:

I've stated more than once now, that I DON'T want her to abandon her job offer for the relationship. I simply don't want to hear about permanent commitments until she is permanently committed. I will break up with her myself to get her to take that goddamn job offer. It would hurt, but when she got older, she would eventually appreciate the decision. I just don't want to pretend that it isn't the most important thing in her life right now. It's not fair to me. And it's not fair to her. Lying to both of us about her priorities is potential for a disastrous shit-show, and one that I will take no part in.
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Q. G. Pennyworth

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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #19 on: August 27, 2016, 02:04:02 pm »
What are you talking about? I talk shit all the time  :lulz:

Seriously though, she's talking about building her life, and she wants you in it, so why the long face? She's not pretending anything from what you've said, she's got things she wants and she's communicating that with you. If you want those things too, awesome. If you're convinced this is the train to breakup town and she's deluding herself, well then break up and be sad about it. (And I definitely will not give you shit about being sad about it, breakups suck ass)
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #20 on: August 27, 2016, 02:30:37 pm »
What are you talking about? I talk shit all the time  :lulz:

Seriously though, she's talking about building her life, and she wants you in it, so why the long face? She's not pretending anything from what you've said, she's got things she wants and she's communicating that with you. If you want those things too, awesome. If you're convinced this is the train to breakup town and she's deluding herself, well then break up and be sad about it. (And I definitely will not give you shit about being sad about it, breakups suck ass)

For the same reason I can't expect her to abandon her career for me, it would be unfair to expect me to abandon mine for her. There is simply a very large chance that I won't be able to move out with her if that time comes. She can want commitment AND the job all she wants, and I would love it more than anything if she could have both. But one simply can't happen until the opportunity for the other has been taken, or has passed. She has other priorities, and there's nothing wrong with that.
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #21 on: August 27, 2016, 06:05:55 pm »
I don't see anything wrong with her career being the top priority, and if you won't or can't move then letting go of the relationship. I don't see anything wrong with saying that she would prefer if you came along and had all this commitment stuff with her there. Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This.
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #22 on: August 27, 2016, 06:20:15 pm »
I don't see anything wrong with her career being the top priority, and if you won't or can't move then letting go of the relationship. I don't see anything wrong with saying that she would prefer if you came along and had all this commitment stuff with her there. Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

I agree with most of this. However, I don't see how it's fair to marry someone you wouldn't make your first priority. It's ok to want the commitment where the new job would be. It's a whole other thing to talk about those things knowing you'd give up the consideration if it wasn't possible for the other person to move with you.

I don't want to hear about permanent commitments from the other person in the relationship if it's obvious that they aren't as committed as I am, or aren't completely dedicated to such commitments. As you said, there's nothing at all wrong with having other commitments. I just don't wanna hear about something as important and permanent as marriage and kids if it's not the most important thing to you. Because that's the only way things like that work. You can't have a marriage or kids if your priorities are not those things. She can find those priorities later in life if she wants, after her other priorities are achieved. But I'm not going to be lied to about someone's commitment level. I'm not going to be told we're going to be together forever if they don't mean that 100%.

It sounds like you want her to prioritize you over her career.

It also sounds like you refuse to prioritize her over your career.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #23 on: August 27, 2016, 06:25:47 pm »
Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

Sure, once commitments have been made and plans have been hashed out for how both parties want to build their life together, that has to carry weight. They're not there yet, though, this is the negotiation phase. She's 19 and trying to start her career, and for some reason likes this chump enough to hope that he'll be there with her. And he's bitching that their relationship as TEENAGERS isn't enough for her to abandon her dream job over, like he ate some True Wuv bullshit and hasn't vomited it back up yet.

And also this.

He is also being supremely hypocritical, as essentially he is saying that he isn't committed enough to the relationship to go with her, but is mad at her for being willing to leave him behind if he refuses to go. It's some childish bullshit.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #24 on: August 27, 2016, 06:26:18 pm »
Manipulative, head-gamey, childish bullshit. She should dump him and go pursue her career, and find an adult to marry in a few years after her career is established.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #25 on: August 27, 2016, 06:32:06 pm »
Marriage is not about sacrificing your life for someone else.

This is absolutely true, but I am unsure a marriage can last if the family isn't the first priority.

Sure, once commitments have been made and plans have been hashed out for how both parties want to build their life together, that has to carry weight. They're not there yet, though, this is the negotiation phase.

Absolutely.  No argument.

Quote
She's 19 and trying to start her career, and for some reason likes this chump enough to hope that he'll be there with her. And he's bitching that their relationship as TEENAGERS isn't enough for her to abandon her dream job over, like he ate some True Wuv bullshit and hasn't vomited it back up yet.

All guys are twerps for some portion of their lives, some longer, some shorter.   :lulz:
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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #26 on: August 27, 2016, 06:32:48 pm »
What are you talking about? I talk shit all the time  :lulz:

Seriously though, she's talking about building her life, and she wants you in it, so why the long face? She's not pretending anything from what you've said, she's got things she wants and she's communicating that with you. If you want those things too, awesome. If you're convinced this is the train to breakup town and she's deluding herself, well then break up and be sad about it. (And I definitely will not give you shit about being sad about it, breakups suck ass)

For the same reason I can't expect her to abandon her career for me, it would be unfair to expect me to abandon mine for her. There is simply a very large chance that I won't be able to move out with her if that time comes. She can want commitment AND the job all she wants, and I would love it more than anything if she could have both. But one simply can't happen until the opportunity for the other has been taken, or has passed. She has other priorities, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Fernando Poo, the takeaway I'm getting from literally everything you have said is this:

YOU AREN'T THAT INTO HER.

You are simply not that into this relationship. Own it and stop trying to come up with a way to make this somehow her fault.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #27 on: August 27, 2016, 07:03:22 pm »
I appreciate all the input and help everyone, but this is turning into the "Poo Repeats Himself Over and Over Again ITT" thread, so I'm gonna end it right here. I've made my actual intentions quite clear at this point, and they've been twisted multiple times to mean something else.

Nigel: I could understand if you were answering the question that the OP brings up, which is "Am I being Selfish?" while providing a valid line of reasoning. But it seems like half of the shit I've typed in this thread has been completely fucking ignored. All of the insulting bullshit would be cleared up by actually reading everything I've posted, but that's obviously too fucking much to ask. So I'm gonna give your points the same amount of energy that you put toward understanding this thread, and respond with pictures of cats.



Listen carefully. I don't have much time, and I only have 462 characters left. I'm a scientist from Area 52 (Area 51 was used to draw attention from Area 52, where the aliens were ACTUALLY stored) who was working on neural interfacing with networked devices. In an experiment gone wrong, I accidentally uploaded my mind to the internet. In the 2 seconds I had before my mind scrambled itself with the world's network traffic, I was able to store this snippet in this random internet signature. If you're reading this, let the world know tha

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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #28 on: August 27, 2016, 07:54:11 pm »
You didn't get the answer you wanted. :lol:
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


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Re: Am I Being Selfish?
« Reply #29 on: August 27, 2016, 08:06:57 pm »
You didn't get the answer you wanted. :lol:

No, I got one that was based on reading only portions of what I wrote without the context that I outlined in the thread. I'm not going to sit here and be told how I feel about someone else. I shouldn't have to quote myself from earlier in the thread to refute your argument.

So go derail someone else's thread. Otherwise, change the title of this thread to "Walls and Walls of CATS."
Listen carefully. I don't have much time, and I only have 462 characters left. I'm a scientist from Area 52 (Area 51 was used to draw attention from Area 52, where the aliens were ACTUALLY stored) who was working on neural interfacing with networked devices. In an experiment gone wrong, I accidentally uploaded my mind to the internet. In the 2 seconds I had before my mind scrambled itself with the world's network traffic, I was able to store this snippet in this random internet signature. If you're reading this, let the world know tha