The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Faust]

I remember reading about the drone that was tricked into landing, not by hacking any of its equipment but by faking a GPS signal telling it the landing pad was near by. Those guys definitely deserved to keep their spoils

[Doktor Howl]

The boss has, this morning, asked me if we can install a SCADA system in the new building.

Of course we can, it just takes money and time.  Not that we have much to track.  10 HVAC units, 3 injection molding machines, 25 large CNC machines, 4 ovens, and a couple of the proprietary instruments that are already reporting.

But what the man wants, the man gets.  Mostly because I will wind up stealing money from the ballistics geeks to do it, and I hate the ballistics geeks.

[Fujikoma]

This is the only reason I still check these forums. Looking forward to more posts.

[Doktor Howl]

This is the only reason I still check these forums. Looking forward to more posts.

It's been a bit, I know.  But sometimes it's just regular boring work stuff.

[Fujikoma]

Yeah, no need to stress the genius at work, this epic takes a long time to compose.

[Lord Batwing Candlewaxxe]

Having recently joined the forum, I've been binging on this thread all week, with a stimulating mix of horrified amusement and amused horror.

Shades of Simon Travaglia.  I eagerly await the next installment in the saga.

[Doktor Howl]

Having recently joined the forum, I've been binging on this thread all week, with a stimulating mix of horrified amusement and amused horror.

Shades of Simon Travaglia.  I eagerly await the next installment in the saga.

Well, the saga gets written as it happens, and it's sorta died down after Norton left.

[Doktor Howl]

Jared from accounting:  "Your bottom line is too high."

Me:  "And so?"

Jared:  "That's bad."

Me:  "It's irrelevant."

Jared:  "What, no..."

Me:  "Sorry your MBA instructors lied to you.   When taken at the end of the fiscal year, the bottom line means nothing.  Nothing at all.  All that matters is margin.  How is our margin?"

Jared:  "Pretty good, really, but..."

Me:  "But shut up."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "What matters at the end of the year is how much money we have.  That is dictated by margin.  The difference between the top and bottom lines.  If you insist on making category errors by making a single part of the equation the defining metric, you will start losing money.  Sooner rather than later."

Jared:  "But..."

Me:  "Do I have to explain to you the difference - and the results thereof - between 'money' and 'no money'?  You can save yourself right out of business, if you're diligent and work hard enough."

Jared:  "You can't just keep spending money."

Me:  "I can.  I will.  When my margin drops, then you can bitch.  I might even listen.  Until then, I consider you to be a failure at basic algebra.  You have x revenue minus y expenses to get z profit.  You are looking at the equation as if x were a constant, so you are trying to reduce y, when y is what allows you IN THE REAL WORLD to increase x more than you increased y.  This is in fact the ENTIRE BASIS OF HOW A COMPANY WORKS."

Jared: "..."

Me:  "They didn't teach you that in MBA school?"

Jared:  "I don't have to take this shit from a jumped up grease monkey."

Me:  "The evidence suggests you do, and more than that, that you SHOULD.  But I think I get it.  Some dumbass up front - and I know which one - gave you a KPI based on the bottom line, right?"

Jared:  *mumble*

Me:  "I am ancient and vile and deaf as a post.  What was that."

Jared:  "Yes."

Me:  "I can fix that for you.  By which I mean, I can go carve a chunk out of his ass...Which is no more than he deserves for aiming some zygote MBA dweeb after me."

Walter:  *struggles to avoid laughter*

Me:  *glares at Walter*

Jared:  "What's with him?"

Me:  "Oh, a week back he said Voyager was perfectly good Star Trek, so I took his speaking privileges away for a month so that he can meditate on his error."

Jared:  "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Me:  "Nothing is wrong with me, except that I have a bean counter in my lab.  Now fuck off, if I catch you back here again, I'll turn you over to Emmy."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Jared."

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "I have been considering the idea of a Smart Cow."

Dan:  "A what?"

Me:  "Weaponized cattle."

Dan:  "How does that work?"

Me:  "You take a cow and duct tape a laser pointer to one side of its head, and a webcam to the other side.  Then you drop it out of a bomber on your enemy's house."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "This has many benefits.  First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.  Second, it shows complete disdain for his air defenses.  'We're so not afraid of you that we penetrated your SAM network to drop livestock on your house.'  Third, if you actually get the bastard, there is no funnier way to off a foreign head of state.  Fourth, it provides food to the people your enemy is oppressing."

Dan:  "You're a raving loon."

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

Me:  "Son of a bitch."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

I think more analysis is needed before dismissing this as unprofitable.  A full outfitted Smart Cow costs, what, $3000?  But how much bomb can you get for a measly $3k?  That would barely get you a 50-gallon plastic drum filled with black powder. In terms of shock-and-awe-to-cost ratio, I think the cow comes out ahead.  It also meshes nicely with the Air Force's fetish for multirole systems.  It's a bomb!  It's a lawnmower!  It's what's for supper!

You might need more "value added" beyond the laser pointer and the webcam, though.  Maybe equip the cow with a drone launcher.  Wasn't teaching the drones to identify livestock part of an earlier project?  They could be configured to attack everything non-cow.  The sight of a uniformed cow grazing placidly amidst a swarm of hot death wouldn't be good for enemy morale.

First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.

I've heard a theory that Reagan successfully employed that tactic against the Soviets during the Cold War, although it wasn't intentional on his part.

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

I think more analysis is needed before dismissing this as unprofitable.  A full outfitted Smart Cow costs, what, $3000?  But how much bomb can you get for a measly $3k?  That would barely get you a 50-gallon plastic drum filled with black powder. In terms of shock-and-awe-to-cost ratio, I think the cow comes out ahead.  It also meshes nicely with the Air Force's fetish for multirole systems.  It's a bomb!  It's a lawnmower!  It's what's for supper!

You might need more "value added" beyond the laser pointer and the webcam, though.  Maybe equip the cow with a drone launcher.  Wasn't teaching the drones to identify livestock part of an earlier project?  They could be configured to attack everything non-cow.  The sight of a uniformed cow grazing placidly amidst a swarm of hot death wouldn't be good for enemy morale.

First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.

I've heard a theory that Reagan successfully employed that tactic against the Soviets during the Cold War, although it wasn't intentional on his part.

If I was president, nobody would ever sleep again.

[P3nT4gR4m]

If I was president, nobody would ever sleep again.

This has to happen. You are the government humanity deserves!

[Fujikoma]

Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

[Doktor Howl]

Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

There is really nothing more horrible than a fatberg, and the fact that there is a 330 Mn ton one in existence gives me peace and contentment.

[Fujikoma]

Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

There is really nothing more horrible than a fatberg, and the fact that there is a 330 Mn ton one in existence gives me peace and contentment.

Apparently it's in the sewers stopping up a river of shit and is made up of stuff more than just fat and grease, but like, feminine hygiene products, wet-wipes, diapers, and whatever else you can force down a toilet with enough plunging. Apparently there's a team of folks who deal with this stuff as it arises. I do not envy them, though I do hope they are well-paid.