Author Topic: Tucson Irregulars  (Read 2303 times)

Doktor Howl

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Re: Tucson Irregulars
« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2018, 06:59:43 pm »
Actual quote from a colleague's advertisement for a postdoc (aka professional lab rat). I deleted the usual banter about must be able to do X, Y & Z....

"Our laboratory is located in picturesque Tucson, a diverse city designated as a UNESCO culinary world heritage site and is listed as #2 on the "Best Small American Cities" by Resonance Consulting Group and National Geographic. We are surrounded by magnificent mountainscapes, several large parks with extensive hiking areas, as well as a thriving arts and culture scene."

It sounds so nice! Needless to say I applied.


Well, you can't really say "Our horseman statue at the courthouse occasionally gets off its pedestal and tramples unwary pedestrians" or "The ghosts of miscarriages haunt our sewer lines" or "due to Bad Physics, you can never actually leave", can you?  No.  You emphasize the good bits.
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, shattered underpance lies,
With blown elastic, and exploded back,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Doktor Howl, Spag of Spags:
Look on my ass, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Doktor Howl

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Re: Tucson Irregulars
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2018, 06:32:50 pm »
The Tucson Irregulars would like to remind you that no matter how fucked up you are, we were there first and that's our poo that you stepped in.
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, shattered underpance lies,
With blown elastic, and exploded back,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Doktor Howl, Spag of Spags:
Look on my ass, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Doktor Howl

  • Вся ваша база принадлежит нам
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Re: Tucson Irregulars
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2019, 06:04:15 pm »
We in Tucson would like to point out to you Americans that your president is insane and your shit is fucked.  You have a Nazi infestation and you should maybe do something about that.

Here in Tucson, it's still 1962 and Neil Sedaka is still president and breaking up is hard to do.

That being said, we in the Tucson Irregulars have some advice for those of you stuck in your post-republic hellhole.

1.  Forget what it means to be human.  Do whatever you have to do to stay off the trains.
2.  Keep your uniform well-pressed.  Slovenliness will attract the eye of your superiors.
3.  Don't be Gay or brown.  If at all possible, be male.
4.  Practice these phrases:  "I am a patriot," and "I have a personal relationship with Jesus," and "If you don't like it, go somewhere else."
5.  Crying after sex is normal.  I mean, it's normal for *you* right *now*.
6.  Prepare for the notion that the next blackout may be the new normal. 
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, shattered underpance lies,
With blown elastic, and exploded back,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Doktor Howl, Spag of Spags:
Look on my ass, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.