Author Topic: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)  (Read 21545 times)

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #285 on: June 15, 2019, 06:40:13 am »
I was born to be a James Bond villain, really.  I just can't seem to make it happen.
"What were you expecting?  Violins?"
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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #286 on: June 16, 2019, 01:17:35 am »
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."
You will cooperate with the state, for the good of the state and your own survival. You will confess to the crimes of which you have been accused. You will be released and returned to society a productive citizen if you cooperate. Resistance will be punished. Cooperation will be rewarded.   --"Intersections in Real Time"

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #287 on: June 16, 2019, 03:02:02 am »
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."

I'm not really a people person.
"What were you expecting?  Violins?"
- Lieutenant Checkov

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #288 on: June 25, 2019, 12:13:11 am »
First day on the job.

Dave the R&D Geek:  "So you're the new hotshots.  You think you're weird enough for this gig?"

Me:  *Suggests the 103rd use for ballistics gel*

Billy:  *Suggests the 104rth use*

Dave Geek:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, David."

Dave:  "Okay, you're gonna work out fine."
"What were you expecting?  Violins?"
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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #289 on: June 25, 2019, 04:33:54 am »
This bodes wonderfully.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #290 on: Yesterday at 12:23:16 am »
Today at work:

English Paul:  "I told you it wasn't the thermocouple, I changed it and the problem is even worse."

Me:  "Did you say 'thermocouple'?  Because that wasn't a thermocouple, I distinctly remember pointing out that it was an RTD."

English Paul:  "They're the same thing."

Me:  "No, they are not.  For one thing, the wire is way to big for a thermocouple, so you are always going to read high."

English Paul:  "But..."

Me:  "And for another thing, they have a different number of wires.  How did you get three wires onto a two wire terminal?"

English Paul:  "I cut off the extra wire."

Me:  "Paul, I have to ask you, what did you do before this?"

English Paul:  "I was a technician."

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  *mumble*

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  "Jiffy Lube."

Me:  "I must admit, I admire your ability to bullshit your way into three times your previous pay."

English Paul:  "I'll just collect my things, shall I?"

Me:  "What?  No.  Bullshitting is a precious skill.  You won't be handling any more wiring, though."

Billy (walking in):  "What's up?"

Me:  "Paul here is going to write our 2020 business plan."

Billy:  "Oh, you sorry bastard."

English Paul:  "Wait what"

Me:  "Just do what you do best.  I shall give you topics, and you shall write great whacking lies, same as you did on your resume."

Billy:  "Welcome to the Old Firm, Paul."

English Paul:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

"What were you expecting?  Violins?"
- Lieutenant Checkov

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Reply #291 on: Today at 02:19:05 am »
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

*returning to our department*

Me:  "That was fucking weird."

Billy:  "Helpful folks."

Me:  "It's fucking eldritch.  I feel as if the dramatic music is playing, or some shit."

Billy:  "I'm okay until I see tentacles."

Me:  "Then it's too late."

Billy:  "It's already too late.  We're in Tucson."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Billy."
"What were you expecting?  Violins?"
- Lieutenant Checkov