Your poetry moved me, QG, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry you missed the funeral as well, but I've never gotten much from funerals, just, "This is a box, with a thing that used to be a person inside, and now we're going to set it on fire, or bury it, I dunno, maybe both."
Look, don't blame yourself, I can tell by your words how you regard the people you care about. It's a ritual, it doesn't change what is. People, pass on, that's the cost of life, everyone knows it will happen someday, but when it does, no one expects it. You can't be blamed for what you couldn't know, and you can't be blamed for being a beautiful, wonderful person... that said, I've had some people I care about pass, and I'm very unhappy with it, so I can understand feeling conflicted. None of it was your fault, yeah?