Let's start our own newsfeed, without blackjack or hookers

[Cramulus]

Yo, social media is stressing me out (which is probably a sign I'm on it too much). Every single post is trash, everywhere. So here's what I want you to do. Just make a bunch of light, harmless, fun posts in this thread as if you're posting status updates from a non-fucked world. Then I'll scroll through this thread once every 5 minutes and pretend it's real life.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I've got this

[Doktor Howl]

The asteroid community just announced 80% self-sufficiency.

[Cramulus]

also, the Nutrition community has resolved its conflicts bloodlessly--the coup was rescinded and democracy and reason reigns again.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Human rights expo a smashing success. China to lead expansion of humanitarian aid to SE Asia. North and South Korea reconciliation well under way. Tibet free to be as weird as it wants. Hong Kong declared an independent state, signs trade pact bridging the Eastern and Western economic spheres. Overall a glorious 2018!

[Cramulus]

its pretty cool how cats can talk now

                                                                My penis is in fine working condition!
                                                              /
                  ;,_            ,
                 _uP~"b          d"u,
                dP'   "b       ,d"  "o
               d"    , `b     d"'    "b
              l] [    " `l,  d"       lb
              Ol ?     "  "b`"=uoqo,_  "l
            ,dBb "b        "b,    `"~~TObup,_
          ,d" (db.`"         ""     "tbc,_ `~"Yuu,_
        .d" l`T'  '=                      ~     `""Yu,
      ,dO` gP,                           `u,   b,_  "b7
     d?' ,d" l,                           `"b,_ `~b  "1
   ,8i' dl   `l                 ,ggQOV",dbgq,._"  `l  lb
  .df' (O,    "             ,ggQY"~  , @@@@@d"bd~  `b "1
 .df'   `"           -=@QgpOY""     (b  @@@@P db    `Lp"b,
.d(                  _               "ko "=d_,Q`  ,_  "  "b,
Ql         .         `"qo,._          "tQo,_`""bo ;tb,    `"b,
qQ         |L           ~"QQQgggc,_.,dObc,opooO  `"~~";.   __,7,
qp         t\io,_           `~"TOOggQV""""        _,dg,_ =PIQHib.
`qp        `Q["tQQQo,_                          ,pl{QOP"'   7AFR`
  `         `tb  '""tQQQg,_             p" "b   `       .;-.`Vl'
             "Yb      `"tQOOo,__    _,edb    ` .__   /`/'|  |b;=;.__
                           `"tQQQOOOOP""`"\QV;qQObob"`-._`\_~~-._
                                """"    ._        /   | |oP"\_   ~\ ~\_~\
                                        `~"\ic,qggddOOP"|  |  ~\   `\~-._
                                          ,qP`"""|"   | `\ `;   `\   `\
                               _        _,p"     |    |   `\`;    |    |
       unknown                 "boo,._dP"       `\_  `\    `\|   `\   ;
                                 `"7tY~'            `\  `\    `|_   |
                                                      `~\  |

[Doktor Howl]

its pretty cool how cats can talk now

                                                                My penis is in fine working condition!
                                                              /
                  ;,_            ,
                 _uP~"b          d"u,
                dP'   "b       ,d"  "o
               d"    , `b     d"'    "b
              l] [    " `l,  d"       lb
              Ol ?     "  "b`"=uoqo,_  "l
            ,dBb "b        "b,    `"~~TObup,_
          ,d" (db.`"         ""     "tbc,_ `~"Yuu,_
        .d" l`T'  '=                      ~     `""Yu,
      ,dO` gP,                           `u,   b,_  "b7
     d?' ,d" l,                           `"b,_ `~b  "1
   ,8i' dl   `l                 ,ggQOV",dbgq,._"  `l  lb
  .df' (O,    "             ,ggQY"~  , @@@@@d"bd~  `b "1
 .df'   `"           -=@QgpOY""     (b  @@@@P db    `Lp"b,
.d(                  _               "ko "=d_,Q`  ,_  "  "b,
Ql         .         `"qo,._          "tQo,_`""bo ;tb,    `"b,
qQ         |L           ~"QQQgggc,_.,dObc,opooO  `"~~";.   __,7,
qp         t\io,_           `~"TOOggQV""""        _,dg,_ =PIQHib.
`qp        `Q["tQQQo,_                          ,pl{QOP"'   7AFR`
  `         `tb  '""tQQQg,_             p" "b   `       .;-.`Vl'
             "Yb      `"tQOOo,__    _,edb    ` .__   /`/'|  |b;=;.__
                           `"tQQQOOOOP""`"\QV;qQObob"`-._`\_~~-._
                                """"    ._        /   | |oP"\_   ~\ ~\_~\
                                        `~"\ic,qggddOOP"|  |  ~\   `\~-._
                                          ,qP`"""|"   | `\ `;   `\   `\
                               _        _,p"     |    |   `\`;    |    |
       unknown                 "boo,._dP"       `\_  `\    `\|   `\   ;
                                 `"7tY~'            `\  `\    `|_   |
                                                      `~\  |

[Faust]

A rare linked video of Klaus Nomi singing a cover of "I will survive". It's got novelty, but you'll never watch it again after liking this status.

[chaotic neutral observer]

China has brought its third fusion reactor online, and will be shutting down another five coal-fired power plants.

[Cain]

This year's mandatory global cat video watching day is a huge success.  Many thanks to internet giants for putting pressure on employers and governments to make this an official holiday.

[Abbot Mythos]

Space Aliens from 40 Eridani A made first contact with humanity today.

As a token of friendship, they have given us the technology to economically make unlimited quantities of food from carbon dioxide. And, the alien food tastes exactly like bacon.

[Eater of Clowns]

Cram shuffles over to the Internet in his bathrobe.

"You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go."

[Eater of Clowns]

"Hey Williams I heard your mom's still online."

"Yeah well someone's got to follow your mom on Insta."

"HAH! Anyway, you going to Rob's later?"

[LMNO]

The proletariat just seized the means of production.






YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

[Faust]

Vague political outrage at something the racist hotel concierge who became president did today.