Let's start our own newsfeed, without blackjack or hookers

[LMNO]

The most recent economic forecast for New Scotland (formerly Britain) is surprisingly upbeat.

[Trivial]

Plant placed under tension when growing yields fruit that tastes like bacon.

[Abbot Mythos]

Unicorn Interrupts Political Rally

A flatulent unicorn horned in on a political rally in Redneckville, Redstate today. The initially rowdy crowd switched from screaming loud choruses of "lock her up," to singing "Kumbaya" as the unicorn walked among them.

Later, rally participants were seen smiling and waving peace signs as they exited the rally venue.

[altered]

Unicorn Interrupts Political Rally

A flatulent unicorn horned in on a political rally in Redneckville, Redstate today. The initially rowdy crowd switched from screaming loud choruses of "lock her up," to singing "Kumbaya" as the unicorn walked among them.

Later, rally participants were seen smiling and waving peace signs as they exited the rally venue.

My sources say it was a Pegasus, not a unicorn. No one captured photographs though, and unicorns are historically more likely to spread peace via violent gut wind. Maybe an expert on the matter like Professor Cramulus could weigh in?

[Abbot Mythos]

NEWS UPDATE

As reported earlier, a flatulent unicorn horned in on a political rally in Redneckville, Redstate today.

This Just In:

Upon exiting the rally venue, participants were greeted by the sight of multiple rainbows. In addition, many in the crowd told our reporter that unicorn farts smell like fried bacon.

[Abbot Mythos]

Suspicious Package Intercepted at White House

A suspicious package addressed to Donald J. Trump was intercepted by Secret Service agents today.

Upon X-raying the package, Public Safety Bomb Technicians determined it contained a dictionary and a copy of the U.S. Constitution.

[Abbot Mythos]

Eco-friendly Pizza Box Unfolds Into Solar Panel

A Silicon Valley tech startup company has developed an economical, eco-friendly pizza box that unfolds into a high efficiency electric solar panel.

And, as an added bonus, the designers guarantee, with no batteries required, that the high tech box will keep your pizza "oven hot," until meal time.

[rong]

Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

[Abbot Mythos]

Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

That was funny, rong. But, couldn't you, at least, make the effort to plagiarize the ONION®, rather than just copying and pasting their YouTube hyperlink? Is that really too much to ask?

[rong]

Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

[Bruno]

and on a lighter note... clowns!

[Abbot Mythos]

Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

That's much better.

[LMNO]

Border wall surrounding Florida complete, say officials.

[Abbot Mythos]

Just make a bunch of light, harmless, fun posts in this thread as if you're posting status updates from a non-fucked world.

not true

What do you mean NOT TRUE?! How is THAT in keeping with the spirit of this thread?! There's a reason it's called Floriduh!

[Cain]