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Topics - The Wizard Joseph

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Apple Talk / The NOLA Chronicles
« on: July 27, 2021, 07:29:48 am »

The train ride from LaCrosse Amtrak Station took me first to Chicago, Then all the way south by way of Memphis to the station on Loyola in my fair Nola, though I did not know New Orleans, Louisiana by that Name at the time. I truly did not know Her yet at all.

It was almost a solid two day trip with the layover in Chi-town. I wish I could say it was peaceful but some sadistic young woman played an obnoxious audio file on her phone nonstop. It was all noise and even had the horrible "worst sound in the world" from Dumb And Dumber. Apparently this was her idea of retaliation for my snoring, but this claim did not come to light until near the end of the journey. I and the other passengers endured it until she finally disembarked about 5 hours out from my stop.

By this time I was struck first by the trees being DIFFERENT as I looked out the window at the scenery rolling by me. It helped me to not think about how few people I had been in company with wore their masks correctly and consistently. Thinking had become something of a burden by this point anyway. The poison I had been exposed to in March of 2020 had demolished much of me, and my physical and mental health were on very shaky ground indeed. Now in mid November I was at least no longer in freefall in this regard. My time spent guarding the dojo had allowed me to see to my wellbeing as well as possible. No small thanks for the spiritual part of this was owed to a dead man, a Master honored by the dojo's kamidana named Takamatsu San. He alleviated the bitterness of my grief for my poisoned friends and recently slain Igbo brother Justice Ihechi Raphael. More on him and Justice later. Suffice for now to say that Takamatsu San rode with me, as did many of The Dead Masters, because I had invited him and them to accompany me on my Way.

The station in Nola was hauntingly empty. The evidence of charming shops closed down due to the pandemic would prove to be the tenor of my first days here. A kindly elder gentleman with a sharp sense of business was just outside the station waiting for someone exactly like me. I asked for a ride to Jackson Square. He helped me with my rolling luggage, packed for urban survival, and $15 and ten minutes later I found myself on a park bench awaiting my contact, a woman I shall here call Gabby that has a great many Names.

Gabby was at work until evening and so I found a bench between the Square and the Cathedral in the heart of the French Quarter. The air was to me extremely pleasant of temperature and filled with the noise of people, and a brass band played for hours rather expertly. I was soaking in "the vibe" of what I hoped would be my new home and finding it quite to my taste. At least I did until dusk slowly began to descend. I was suddenly acutely aware that I was in a haunted place, but I had never seen a haunt SO BIG that it enveloped an outdoor area entirely. The dead here were the sort that happen with MASSIVE amounts of violence and rage. I knew nothing of the history of Jackson Square at the time. I just knew that a haunt like this was no place to be drawing attention to myself and switched off my "vibe soaker".

Not too long after night had fully fallen Gabby appeared out of the crowd wearing a long, modest, and simple black dress. There was no mistaking the person that I had gotten to know through chance encounter on FB that had sparked a meaningful friendship in the hard months of desperate doom scrolling that had kept me occupied in the worst year of my life, perhaps of all my lives. We embraced briefly and slightly awkwardly. I mentioned the dead on and under the Square as she led me and my luggage down to Decatur St, and she laughed pleasantly with a slight exasperation as if I had told a rather tired old joke.

We meandered through streets that were empty in a rather visceral way indeed having at last opportunity to speak on many subjects frankly that were none of Zuckersnitch's thrice-damned business. She had a friend in the St. Roch (pronounced like rock) neighborhood that she was fairly sure would put me up for the night there and I absolutely could not wait to catch a shower and change clothes after nearly 3 days. We made our way in no great hurry by way of many then nameless back streets and along Elysian Fields to North Roman. As we passed the massive crypt-walls of the St. Roch holy cemetery I sensed another powerful haunt, but VERY different in nature. She seemed amused as my gaze lingered through the iron gates to one of two whole city blocks that comprised the site. She also warned me that many local practitioners used it as a ritual space of the not-very-nice sort, and that an Entity even she would prefer to let be was bound under the Chapel of St. Michael. I resolved to visit at the very first opportunity available of course.

We went on to the home of her friend Arkicide. He seemed a bit exasperated and none too sure of me, 10 years in Nola will make you VERY wary and even weary of people, but he consented to put me up for the night. I have seen Gabby only a small handful of times since that night. She seemed to prefer to just let me run free in Nola without her, and I have been content with that. This journey is mine, and I am never truly alone anyway.

Apple Talk / Eris Is For The Birds
« on: December 18, 2020, 02:13:47 am »
Made for the FB group The Discordian Bird Watching Society. It's IMO the best and most well run of the Facebook Discordian groups.

Eris Is For The Birds

Some may have said,
And so EVERYONE "knows",
That Eris' favorite birds
Are the corvids,
The ravens and crows

But this is purely folly,
My firends,
For She has said to me,

"That's silly my dear Wizard.
I love all birds

Yes Corvids are just fine.
They know their way around.
But laugh when I see
Ostrich heads
Stuck into the ground.
Such a ridiculous way
To get away
When there's predators around!

Owls have their charms of course,
Though held to Athena's name
I like the way they
Silently glide down
On unsuspecting game.

Parrots can be grand company.
They're very smart ones
After all.
Though best to have
A towel to hand
Should you bring
One to a fancy ball.

I shan't take up your time-"

"Please do!"

Fuck me!
I cut Her off!
Better to drink
the spit-valve juice
From the court of

Be She smiled quite kindly
On me in my folly.
Like a cat presenting
Me with a canary!

And though topically
About feathered friends,
I suspected shit might
Get a bit hairy.

"Have you heard of the starling?
I think they're just darling!
They breed in ways
that take my beath.
But over prime nest space,
To keep fast a good place,
My Wizard they fight to the death!!

And dodos weren't stupid!!
They just had it too good,
For too long,
Not a weakness as such.
I loved them so dearly.
Their fearlessness
Just proved too much.
So sailors all ate them.
To this day
I just HATE the Dutch!

Pengiuns, on the other hand,
Need water as much as land.
They drink sea water,
Didn't you know?
But those SAILORS again,
Slew cock, chick, and hen
And just for their fat home to bring.
But I have the ear of kings,
So I yanked a few strings,
And the Antarctica treaty
Is now a thing!!"

I could see that She
Was getting worked up
But I dared do nothing
But listen.
She needed to vent,
And so on She went,
But her eyes, like a dagger,
Did glisten.

"I love kakapos!
They come from New Zealand.
They're flightless ones too,
And so cute!
Brought on a disaster.
They brought rats, cats,
And ferrets to boot!
But often they shot them
Whenever they'd spot them


And She stopped for a moment.
My dear Eris took a DEEP,
DEEEEEP breath.

"And my birds, Wizard,
my sweet birds,
They all pay the price.

So I try, Wizard,
To teach the humans
How to just play nice."

She never asks or offers hugs.
I know Her all too well.
And so I took the liberty,
How long I cannot tell.

And so I ask you
my good reader,
If you would be so kind,
To spend some money
for the birds,
Or other dear creatures,
A link below
You will find.

  - T. W. Joseph

(Feel free to copypasta unaltered and post link of choice, I chose this. )

Apple Talk / JUSTICE for Justice
« on: November 06, 2020, 05:42:22 pm »
This is my dear Igbo brother Justice Ihechi Raphael. He was murdered in cold blood by the genocidal Northern Nigerian forces about a week ago. I was maintaining contact with him on a backup FB account of his after his original account was falsely labeled a "scammer" and deleted. He wanted only peace and prosperity for his people, and ALL people, who have been subject to an ongoing, tragically effective, genocide by the north since the 70s. His brother contacted me yesterday. My hope was to one day embrace him under the sun with my feet on African soil. Now I must cry JUSTICE for Justice. I want cold, hard revenge, but he would not have wanted that. I will instead by nonprofit means seek the JUSTICE needed for him and untold millions more murdered by the so called nigerian "government". I am YET AGAIN heartbroken and will be in mourning for a while. Then I shall continue about my plans with new vigor. A few poorly aimed bullets was all it took to take his life, but I WILL ensure that loss was not for nothing.

I will have JUSTICE for Justice!!
On my Soul so it will be.
Or Kill Me.

Or Kill Me / They're All Already Fucking Dead
« on: October 31, 2020, 01:39:17 am »
They're All Already Fucking Dead

It's sometimes hard dealing with reality. One of the nicer things about hypomania is the unreasonable, unreasoning OPTIMISM it grants. Yeah sure, people think you're twacked out on meth sometimes because you're speaking a mile a minute. You definitely DO suffer delusions, especially as the sleep deprivation stacks up. The drawbacks pale in comparison to the simple ability to KEEP TRYING in the face of adversity, and 4 weeks into lithium therapy that I otherwise would not trade for the world it has begun to grate on me. Terry Pratchett (PBUH) had a word for it, knurd, the opposite of drunk, a horrible lucidity.

Mostly in my lucidity these days I see death. I see lots of death. In a very real way I even see myself as dead, and fortunate to know it.

That nice guy that takes pictures and writes poetry?

The sweet old lady that was kind enough to give you a piece of candy on the bus?

The self absorbed asshole making 7 figures off of the backs of thousands of workers?
Dead as fuck.

Your family?

Your friends, and THEIR friends.

Enough children to pile 50m tall?
You guessed it.

It might seem that this is about the current plague, and that's a factor, but there's more. There's so much fucking more. It will be more war in the streets. It will be jackboots and black bags in private residences. As folks drop off and infrastructure gives out it will be starvation and contamination. I see it coming because I am knurd, the opposite of drunk, and horribly lucid.

I felt it first when I read the material safety data sheet on the poison I and my beloved friends had been dosed with in February. Dead and scheduled for a slow lingering one at that. I feel like that moment when a mortal but not immediately fatal wound is struck in pitched battle. I continue, but the deal is done. I see this coming for more people than would seem plausible in the next decade(s). Worse because I am knurd I FEEL the sorrow of those about to lose, and be themselves lost... For no reason. Due to easily preventable circumstances now FAR too late to alter. Circumstances cravenly brought about with INTENT, by means of deception and semantics.

When the death finds you and yours you will feel rage. You will feel helplessness and loss. If there was ever a time to FEEL RAGE it is now before the actual losses mount. My rage is cold and timely, for I am knurd, the opposite of drunk, and horribly lucid. I still stand upon the field knowing that I will never leave it. If everyone could realize this oncoming wave of death now we might just win. For my part I will settle for just taking as many pieces of the bastards as possible before I finally rejoin The Great Majority.

Aneristic Illusions / What the fuck happened DPRNK
« on: September 25, 2020, 02:39:34 pm »

According to the North Korean message, North Korean troops first fired blanks after the man found in the North’s waters refused to answer other than saying he’s from South Korea a couple of times. Then, as he made moves to flee, the North Korean troops fired 10 rounds. When they came near the floating object, they only found lots of blood but no sign of him.

So the article says dude was apparently tryina defect TO N.Korea. Was found clinging to dear life on a bouy in the ocean and was not only shot at but then burned .. On a "floating object" in the ocean. But it seems that was walked back... I'm a bit sleep deprived right now so that is all the brain I have to spare for writing, but this is capital WWeird with two Ws.


One Antero Alli has done an incredible thing. Must see PD!
I'd like to rant, but this Work speaks for itself.

Apple Talk / Here's your Goddamn hate letter Howl!
« on: May 24, 2020, 04:07:42 pm »
From: The Wizard Joseph, Memeber Discordian Society, Renunciate of many things recently

Unto: Doktor Hamish Howl, Memeber Discordian Society, Sometime Subgenius, Obnoxiously Accurate Prophet

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT YOU BASTARD!!?? Can't just the occasional, little, itty bitty, implausibility slip past undetected and actually happen? I wouldn't mind personally if you took some time off and stopped with the prophecy thing just for a little while!! Just a little delusion for the sake of comfort is all anyone could ask in this clusterfuck of a reality. IT'S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH!! Worst part is I can't even blame YOU anymore than I can blame a mirror or a photograph for showing me my own scabby undercarriage in an ill light. BUT I CAN BE ANNOYED!!

Yeah so Vermin Supreme was a long shot. Yeah so I got disillusioned before the end entirely. I saw Vermin trim his beard and dress corporate as his mad dog VP pick pandered openly to the "Plandemic" crap, then despite this get railroaded out by someone They astroturfed in anyway. I should not have wasted my time and YOU WERE RIGHT FUCKING AGAIN!! STOP IT!! It's like lemon juice on papercuts ON MY EYEBALLS!!!

You know since I got some word count to kill in this HATE LETTER I owe you BECAUSE you are right I just want to say that this has been the main problem with you since I got here. It's not that you're ALWAYS right. It's that you're right extremely frequently and I often initially disagree only to discover that worse than you being right I WAS WRONG!! I can feel your righteous emmanation in the astral like a lit match on a sunburn and it's NOT GOING AWAY!!! Yours is not the holy light of some benevolent Creator of Heaven and Earth. YOU SIR ARE HAWKING RADIATION!! YOUR LIGHT IS THE HORRIBLE FLATULENCE ISSUING FROM AZATHOTH'S FROTHY CAKE EATER into an eldritch PICCOLO with a PITCH fit to liquefy my GODDAMN BRAINS into a cup so I can MIX IT WITH HEMLOCK and guzzle that shit DOWN TILL I FINALLY DIE!!!

Kindest personal regards.

This thread is to present various quotations from profoundly uneducated self-professed worshipers of the actual, literal devil with no context. Please note that the terms "lucifer" and "satan" are both titles and not the proper names of any beings real or imagined, but in trying to explain that I often see just the most AMAZING reactions and lulzy bullpucky ever. Moreover "lucifer" is a crappy Latin mistranslation of an ancient title of totally mundane royalty from the old testament and in itself does not even mean "light bearer" at all. "Satan" is a title meaning loosely adversary or accuser and is effectively a legal term like prosecutor. All of these are taken from a group doing its best to give these academic truths a go, but the religious fanatics are crawling all over the threads and absolutely will not be contradicted nor will they shut up. I like the admins quite a bit and so I do not intentionally troll, but these folks take ANY contradiction as a declaration of Holy War and are REALLY touchy about perceived slights real or imagined. They are remarkably similar to Abrahamaic fanatics and even the slight comparison no matter how obviously true sets them off like a string of firecrackers.

Oh.. and EVERYONE is an EXPERT on magighahl theory and practice of course.
 :pope: :wasp: :notnice: :umad: :penis: :magick: :penis: :rpger:

Apple Talk / what the fuck is wrong with me (an alphabetical list)
« on: April 26, 2020, 01:37:00 am »
Absolutely not meant for internal use

Been grinding too hard for no reason

Cannot be bothered to stop fapping

Definitely not the demiurge

Easily distracted by memes

Flatulent and unapologetic

Got to got to try a little tenderness

Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur

Identity deconstruction enthusiast

Just can't seem to pay attention to normal things

Killed Bill Hicks and ate his soul to make a spiritual point

LMNO has told me to stop and I cannot I will not

My highest academic ambition involves a potatoe and Dan Quayle

Nobody told me what NOT to be growing up and it shows

Obviously has no social consciousness despite being in a society

Probably not the grand singularity of consciousness but won't listen

Quite enamored of a certain rather shady Goddess and works for no pay

Really sad that Ben Mack is still out there breathing air other folks could waste instead

Stopped in the name of love but forgot what to do next

Terrible about inserting cats into mythologies that cats do not want to be in

Underlying lack of self worth leading directly to collecting beanie babies by force

Very much into BDSM but not in a sexual way

Why why am I like this in public fuck sake WHY

Xenophilic, single, and looking to mingle barbarous memes and inauspicious genes

Yeet is one of my favorite neologisms and I use it all the time

Ziggy comics are not a respectful, safe, or stable invocation vehicle for the Aesir apparently

So the attached file has a strange story. I found the attached image as an uncaptioned "blank" while trawling for completely unrelated images. I was so moved by the haunted eyes, hand position, and ample empty space to the left that I nabbed it having no idea what to do with it. about a week later a friend of mine posted a fairly lengthy and heart-breaking telling of her sexual assault experiences and the sheer alienation and harassment she experienced in addition to the assault itself. I resolved to take the essence of her message as summarized in a few lines and make an easy to distribute meme to show her that she had been heard and that in hearing I acted with what effect I could. This image came right back to me and I "just knew" that it was the right image, knowing nothing of Ian Curtis nor Joy Division at the time.

I made the meme, got her approval, and distributed it to several groups and my wall. This morning one of my friends asked me if i was talking about this Ian person having been assaulted or if I was making reference to some band called Joy Division. I asked for clarification as I didn't have the slightest clue what he meant at the time. He told me that the person in this image was Ian Curtis and that he had committed suicide in 1980 while the lead singer of Joy Division, a band that derived its name from NAZI systematic rape in the death camps. We were both taken aback to discover the apparent perfect storm of symbolism, ignorance, and timing that led to the meme. I have since listened to and read the lyric of several Joy Division songs and though the music is not my flavor it's some of the rawest shit I ever heard.

I'm just kinda posting this thread to document the occasion and make the meme available to the readers and members of PD for distribution if they want. It's rare that I get true, uncontrollable chills from synchronicity, but I admit to being a bit shaken on this one.

High Weirdness / Mama Rona
« on: April 18, 2020, 02:43:47 pm »
One of the duties/privileges of being a pope is making new "spirits" as necessary to bettering humanity and in the pursuit of lulz. There are no lulz in Mama Rona. She exists to scare the shit out of you until you act right. She is what I call an animeme, a spirit with a meme initial origin/vector, but that will over time grow and change on its own. I have seeded her throughout various of my FB groups with the following text.

"I present an anthropomorphic personification of the Novel Coronavirus Named Mama Rona! Mama Rona is horrible, deadly, but fair. She takes whomever she pleases. She passes below the gaze of the sage and the scientist. Her hand against children is light, yet from them she may touch you and be... unkind. Wear a mask and she may pass you by, but she might not. Be clean and she will be appeased, but that's no guarantee. But IF you act right, encourage others to act right, she will take less, and one fine day pass on by."

As I add new memes and images to spread I will update and collate them here. If I, hopefully, start to find memes/write-ups that I did not do then she will have come of age and be her own being.

Apple Talk / A Discordian Resolution, Maybe Paradigm Revolution
« on: March 23, 2020, 03:01:55 am »
So, it's come to this huh? Locked in an imaginary box on FB with an assortment of weirdos, freaks, and other reality deviants while The Powers That Be steadily manage to fuck up their precious little paradigm because they largely got blindsided by a teeny-tiny little super bug. I know for a fact at this point that some shit is about to go down. Sadly it's a given that things are going to get bad. I propose that we merely do our part as self proclaimed associates of The Goddess Eris to also make the apocalypse as WEIRD as possible, like uncomfortably weird. What are They gonna do to stop us? There's a world shaking emergency developing! They're a little preoccupied at the moment. Didn't even see the Discordians coming. Suckers.

I propose not weirdness for its own sake, but rather a sense of alleviating humour be brought into the world in the Name of Eris! Get involved in your local community efforts and be openly Discordian about it. Let your freak flag fly sky high, but also do something tangible to make yourself useful to the world AND LET THE WORLD SEE YOU DO IT IN HER NAME.

Reach out to your local community action groups and claim to represent The Discordian Society's contribution to their efforts. Make the Goddess proud! Get some shit done like you have nothing left to lose, because you don't really. You CAN make yourself useful AND make a mark in Eris' name though.

Now is the time to crank up the weirdness! Would you rather just die in a box, waiting for the world to return to "normal" again!? We all know better, and I think we can do better while haveing WAY more fun doing it than anyone could reasonably expect in times like these!! If they think that the Coronavirus virus is bad just wait until They got Eris cropping up all over the place and Her damned Discordians intentionally insinuating themselves into the fabric of society. They'll never get the paradigm clean again. You just can't get Discordianism out once it sets in. Her shit is permanent!

Try to think of this as a way to cope, a way to let your stress out and also do something good for the people around you. The Powers That Be ain't coming to help anybody, It is known. So stand strong! Clench your fist. Set your face to the sun and declare that you will NOT go down without a fight!! Remember that YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET! You have the power of Eris coursing through your neurons and can do something memorable AND helpful for the people around you!

They want you
So be

The Goddess be with us all.
Hail Eris.

Techmology and Scientism / Re: Coronavirus data and events as they come in
« on: February 29, 2020, 03:39:29 pm »
This thread and topic originated in the Trump Hilarity thread. Things are no longer hilarious. This thing is definitely going to do some game changing damage. Rumors of an engineered origin are unsubtantiated but because of the unusual symptom spectrum and infection rate as well as the not entirely uncertain possibility of post symptomatic latency infection and reoccurrance I cannot discard the possibility at this time. I very much wish I could, but this thing is WEIRD for a coronavirus and quite destructive out of all proportion.

Well, there was a report of someone in Japan who tested positive twice.  I suspect that she either wasn't cured completely, or someone messed up the labwork, but an intermittently lethal virus that humans can't develop a long-term immunity to would be a pretty neat doomsday weapon.

If it doesn't get you the first time, just wait for the next go-around!

I was just reading about this.  Coronavirus immunity doesn't last very long.

But it's not THAT short.  The test was bad?
Quite possibly. Or whatever chemical signature they were looking for was still present post-symptoms

There is a small but real chance it remains dormant in the system post-symptoms, if so it just might reemerge symptomaticly later like impetigo, even be infectious asymptomatic like. This is not my opinion, but if more double positive tests occur it would be a... Bad indication.

It's much worse than I thought. It causes damage to various organs and systems in a very unpredictable symptom presentation. Incubation ~5 days, 4-7 range reported, coronaviruses can range from 2-14.

A range like that makes it extremely difficult to track from site to site, and I suspect we'll be unable to keep track at all very soon because we already have tertiary cases.

Virus rna shows up in various discharges and fluids as well as active viruses, rna may be detected for weeks after. If folks are testing positive well after symptom cessation this is hopefully why. If they are STILL testing positive for rna a month from now it means they are still producing waste rna. That STRONGLY would imply that the virus is still replicating and infectious. By the time we know it WILL be far too late. If it's still replicating post symptoms it DEFINITELY has a REAL chance of a completely different symptom presentation as it enters otherwise protected systems. It would build up in the body over time potentially breaching the blood-brain barrier. I shudder to think what this fucker would very likely do to your mostly defenseless grey matter.

Cain you said that a bioweapon that presents only a nasty flu would be a let down... If you read the symptom spectrum it's NOT THE FLU BUDDY!

This one is a monster and if it does what my worst fear here implies... It just might be engineered, at first, but will heavily mutate over time into SEVERAL or even DOZENS of unique strains in relatively short order. It may be debilitating, deadly, prolific, and ultimately incurable. I've made a LOT of humanity killers in Plague Inc. This thing has all the right stuff not to wipe out, but to suppress a whole culture with illness and death at great medical cost in what will soon be an environment of limited supply. Stock up on hand sanitizer, masks, and impermeable gloves. They may not save you, but they will soon be very valuable trade goods.

I give it 4 months at a guess, then the political rallies become a deathbed, and they're feeding the idiots dangerous propaganda already, intentionally.

Fuck I hope I'm wrong and this will pass by then, but I SERIOUSLY doubt it. The infection control protocol is basically a medical space suit right down to full facial eye protection. This thing is very upsetting in the best case scenario. The worst case, if I'm right about the latency period and a second symptom expression in the brain, would seem to me a perfect storm by design or chance.

It will make no difference which.

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Thought Club
« on: February 03, 2020, 01:43:50 am »
Rule number one

You do not think about Thought Club.

Rule number two


There may be more rules like this, but see rules one and two.

Welcome to Thought Club.

Apple Talk / The Precipice
« on: July 18, 2019, 12:04:45 pm »
Melvin Melville felt the Cool Breeze on his face as he stood with his toes at the edge of the highest cliff on Sugarsweet Bluff. It was about 3 in the morning and he saw the lights of the city he had grown to hate splayed out in front of his vision. He had decided it was time to die, and so had made the climb up the well-known hiking trails and passed the sign that said, "Warning Keep Out" that never had been very effective at keeping people from seeking the highest point on the bluff to take in the amazing view, or make out, or whatever it was normal people did there.

Melvin had chosen this as the place where he would die. The bluff face was over 50 stories high, and there was nothing but hard rock at the bottom. Melvin had thought very hard about how he would take his own life. He couldn't afford a gun. Hanging seemed like it would be terribly painful if you didn't do it right, and Melvin knew for a fact he was a fuck-up. So he had decided to find a place to jump that would ensure a swift death.

Melvin didn't really want to hurt himself, he had had enough of that in life, he just wanted out. He had wanted out for years now. Still he found himself standing there at the edge. Part of him was still nervous about actually jumping. Melvin still had questions about what happens when you die. He had seen enough things in his life to question whether the atheists were correct about Oblivion. He hoped that that was what would happen, but he didn't know for sure. Melvin decided to pray, to What he didn't know. Part of him felt like he was just stalling things.

"Uh, God? If You are You then You know who I am so I'll skip the introduction. This world you allegedly made is a real piece of work, You know that? All we do is suffer and die, and all the while You hide Yourself from us, if You're really there at all. Maybe I'm just a coward, but so are You! Everything about this world is meaningless, and it's full of horrible things and people that just increase the suffering! What the hell were You thinking!? If You really gave half a shit You'd send a sign of some sort, but You don't. You can't be arsed to! Whatever it is You're doing up there while we suffer and die better be pretty damn important!! You know what? I'm sick of this world, and I'm sick of You too if You're even real!! You got about 5 seconds to show me something or I'm out of here..."

This was it. The moment Melvin has been waiting for. He looked down for a moment and felt incredibly dizzy. Melvin looked up and closed his eyes. All he had to do was lean over and it would be done. Melvin felt his heart pounding and his knees shaking. He gathered up all his meager strength of will and...

"You know there's nothing we can actually do to stop you."

Melvin's eyes snapped open at the sound of a soothingly melodic voice coming from in front of him. There was a thin and perfectly chiseled face but inches from his own. A pair of bright, wide, and slightly slanted lavender eyes were looking directly into his own. Melvin screamed, startled beyond comprehension, and pitched over backwards on to the hard rock behind him.

Two things immediately registered themselves in his mind as soon as the pain from hitting the ground had cleared up enough for him to sit up. His legs were dangling over the edge, and Melvin noticed that he had lost a shoe. He also realized that the thin, and well-dressed in white, figure of a man standing in front of him was  standing on thin air. Melvin screamed again just for good measure, and scrambled backwards from the edge until his back came up against a nearby tree. He was hyperventilating.

"Do not be afraid" the figure in front of him said with a momentary smirk. "Perhaps it would help if I stood over here?"

The apparition casually took a few steps forward and was now standing with his feet on the ground. Melvin couldn't help but notice that he was extremely tall in addition to being whip thin. It wasn't helping him calm down at all.

Between heaving breaths Melvin managed to get out, "Who.. the.. Who the hell are you?"

There was a look of momentary annoyance on the man's face, but after it passed he said, "I am Niliel, seraph in service to Azrael the Archangel of death, and I have come to talk you down as it were."

"What the ever-living fuck is a seraph?", gasped Melvin, his breathing slowing down ever so slightly.

"I'll thank you to watch your language please. To answer your question the seraphim are a choir of angels that resonate to the Truth. I am under no obligation to actually tell you the truth, but I will never lie.", the angel said.

Melvin's hand had landed on a stone about fist-sized. "Fuck you! You're not real!," he shouted and hurled the rock straight at the angel's face. Melvin had played baseball as a child and was actually rather good at throwing things. The rock flew true and smacked the angel right in the kisser. It soundlessly bounced off of the angel's face and out over the precipice. Niliel didn't even flinch. It was as if Melvin had thrown the stone at a statue. A few awkward seconds later the sound of the stone hitting the ground far below the bluff could be heard.

"Come now, there's no reason to make a fool of yourself Melvin. I mostly deal with the already departed, Souls that have departed suddenly and usually in very large numbers. You wouldn't believe what a fuss they make sometimes. I'm on something of a working sabbatical these days, lending myself to odd jobs here and there. My orders in your case are to provide answers to your questions,  and to ensure that you fully comprehend the consequences before you commit to suicide."

"Oh is that all?", Melvin said just before he passed out on the cold hard ground.

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