Wow, what a wonderful audience.
It's nice to be in front of such a great group of people.
Which reminds me I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
So, yesterday was a pretty rough day.
I went to the hair salon to get a trim.
The lady who was cutting my hair seemed to have some personal issues.
At one point she yelled out, "I hate myself and I want to dye."
It was a pretty hairy situation.
After I left there I went to get some coffee.
I was about to go in when this bum named Joe stopped me.
He asked me for some change so I gave him a buck.
He in turn handed me a cup of urine.
I suppose the bright side is that's the cheapest Cup of Joe you can get.
BOOOOO!
(http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/333510/2/istockphoto_333510_tomato_splat.jpg)
Tomato, Tomato.
Let's call the whole thing off.
Or at least put it on hold.
We can ketchup later.
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
i guess she found that beets have more accurate aim and do more damage than tomatoes
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:19:43 PM
i guess she found that beets have more accurate aim and do more damage than tomatoes
Sometimes she just follows me around the house with a bunch of Celery.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:21:00 PM
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:19:43 PM
i guess she found that beets have more accurate aim and do more damage than tomatoes
Sometimes she just follows me around the house with a bunch of Celery.
but only on payday, i presume?
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:20:01 PM
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
I hate that I'm probably one of the few that got that one almost immediately.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:21:00 PM
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:19:43 PM
i guess she found that beets have more accurate aim and do more damage than tomatoes
Sometimes she just follows me around the house with a bunch of Celery.
Lettuce return to the OP, we've bean away from it long enough.
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:22:32 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:21:00 PM
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:19:43 PM
i guess she found that beets have more accurate aim and do more damage than tomatoes
Sometimes she just follows me around the house with a bunch of Celery.
but only on payday, i presume?
Yep, coincidentally, that's also Pizza day.
Quote from: Kaou Suu on July 12, 2007, 02:37:04 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 12, 2007, 02:22:57 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:20:01 PM
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
I hate that I'm probably one of the few that got that one almost immediately.
No. I got it too.
Sometimes she goes overboard. Apparently she's a Dream Theatre fan.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:39:14 PM
Quote from: Kaou Suu on July 12, 2007, 02:37:04 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 12, 2007, 02:22:57 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:20:01 PM
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
I hate that I'm probably one of the few that got that one almost immediately.
No. I got it too.
Sometimes she goes overboard. Apparently she's a Dream Theatre fan.
Overboard enough that she throws veggies at you in Arabic 9/8s, eh?
Quote from: LMNO on July 12, 2007, 02:22:57 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:20:01 PM
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
I hate that I'm probably one of the few that got that one almost immediately.
o
o no
SO IT WAS Mrs.WHN THAT INVENTED THE BREAKBEAT!!
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 02:47:29 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 12, 2007, 02:22:57 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 02:20:01 PM
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 02:18:32 PM
Your wife beats you, doesn't she?
Yeah, about 3/4 of the time.
I hate that I'm probably one of the few that got that one almost immediately.
o
o no
SO IT WAS Mrs.WHN THAT INVENTED THE BREAKBEAT!!
:mittens:
Well, I have to waltz on out to some meetings. Be sure to tip your waitresses. They prefer Sirloin by the way.
I'm so glad I didn't get it.
Fuck that "discussion."
I was content assuming Mrs. WHN was an amputee.
Was, being the operative word. Fortunately, the doctors were able to graft new appendages back on to her body. That was no small feet let me tell you that.
You know what they say about wives with big feet...
Not much luck at shoestores?
Big smell?
Really sore nads?
Really big shoe closet?
Ann Coulter?
I have no idea...I fail.
But Paris Hilton wears size 11, and has to buy her shoes on Zappos.com because of it. True story.
I'm assuming that's rather large.
If Paris has such HYUGE plates of meat (feet), why is she so unsteady on her pins when drunk?
Paris Hilton is a MAN, baby!
Videotapes notwithstanding.
Quote from: Payne on July 12, 2007, 03:31:21 PM
I'm assuming that's rather large.
If Paris has such HYUGE plates of meat (feet), why is she so unsteady on her pins when drunk?
You walk in 4" stilettos while intoxicated and you tell me if it's easy.
So, I was feeling a little hoarse.
I figured it was about time for a drink.
I walked into the bar.
I asked for a drink.
The bartender asked why the long face.
I told him about my earlier escapades at the hair salon and the coffee shop.
I asked for a shot of whiskey.
He said they were out.
This made me rather mad.
At that point I started yelling at the bartender.
I called him some rather unsavory names.
He told me to leave.
I didn't, I started throwing shit around.
He called the police who promptly arrived.
So there I was, wild, hoarse, and they dragged me away.
Jebus H. Christ,
punoftheday.com won't publish any of my submissions but they'll post inane crap like this:
"I felt sick after I ate the scallopini. I didn't veal well at all." - SGT Snorkel
I think someone took the AKK course of Punnery.
Lame.
You should make your own website and kick their butts!
Yeah, instead I'm just going to send them ANY pun I come up with good or bad. It'll be like in Shawshank Redemption where what's-his-name keeps sending the letters until they give him the money to make his Prison Library. Except with less prison sex.
It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young, vestal then, you know it hurt me.
But Im breathing so I guess Im still alive
Even the signs seemed to tell me otherwise.
Got my hands down, and my head down,
And my eyes closed, my throats wide open.
I do unto others what has been done to me.
Do unto others what has been done to you.
Im treading water. I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.
Wont you, wont you come a bit closer.
Close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this. I cant stand to burn too long.
Release in sodomy. the one sweet moment Im whole.
I do unto you now what has been to me.
I do unto you now, what has been done.
Youre breathing so I guess youre still alive.
Even the signs seem to tell me otherwise.
Wont you, wont you come on up closer.
Close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole.
Relief in sodomy. have you witnessed that blood and flesh can be trusted. i.
Have you witnessed the blood and, this cant be trusted. i.
Only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.
Got your hands bound, and your head down,
And your eyes closed, you look so precious now.
I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this.
Shit, blood, and come on my hands. Ive come round full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. you look so precious.
You look so precious now...
I had a feeling someone would be a tool quote Tool.
:thanks:
Did you hear the one about the deaf Discordian?
Whut?
:rimshot:
:retard: :retard: :retard: :retard:
Yeah, that one was pretty dumb.
Which, of course, goes without saying.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 07:40:58 PM
Yeah, that one was pretty dumb.
Which, of course, goes without saying.
I'm trying to force-choke you now.
You gotta cut me some slack. Two days in a row I've been in long meetings filled with UNG! This is kind of like my version of yoga and meditation.
And no, there are no jokes in this post.
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 07:46:13 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 07:40:58 PM
Yeah, that one was pretty dumb.
Which, of course, goes without saying.
I'm trying to force-choke you now.
Holy shit.
That one
did get by me.
You asshole.
:lulz:
:thanks:
I'm here til Friday.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 07:37:37 PM
Did you hear the one about the deaf Discordian?
Whut?
did you hear the one about the other dyslectic discordian?
he believed everything he didn't read.
Did you hear about the Discordian? No? Exactly my point.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 07:49:48 PM
You gotta cut me some slack. Two days in a row I've been in long meetings filled with UNG! This is kind of like my version of yoga and meditation.
And no, there are no jokes in this post.
I can believe the bit about meditation.
While the humor style drives me to the edge of violence, I am impressed by the speed and precision with which you whip these out. It's the "catching flies with chopsticks" of words.
so this discordian walks into a bar,
and the place seems almost completely deserted
says the barman "take any barstool you like, there's 99% empty space anyway"
a bloodbath ensued.
Quote from: hunter s.durden on July 12, 2007, 08:02:37 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 12, 2007, 07:49:48 PM
You gotta cut me some slack. Two days in a row I've been in long meetings filled with UNG! This is kind of like my version of yoga and meditation.
And no, there are no jokes in this post.
I can believe the bit about meditation.
While the humor style drives me to the edge of violence, I am impressed by the speed and precision with which you whip these out. It's the "catching flies with chopsticks" of words.
I think a lot of it has to do with people I've known and grown up with. My grandmother had a very dry sense of humor and was always cracking jokes. Some days it comes easy, others it's just not there. I think it has to do with air pressure or something.
I've thought about sending in submissions to Readers Digest for fun.
(ex. Life In These United States, Laughter the Best Medicine, etc.)
They would be twisted and make little though.
For Instance:
Did you hear about the deaf coal miner?
He gave blow-jobs behind the machines after 5!
What do you call a kielbasa with no mustard?
What I ate after I murdered my ex-girlfriend!
i once organized an event for my old students association called "the international day of the bad joke"
one preparation i did for it, just to get my pun muscles loose, was in the weeks before, i wouldn't miss any chance of making a bad joke or pun, and actually make it, no matter how bad it was, or even if it wasn't quite finished but just went "something about about an ooze-fish .. you know, because it .. get it?"
only when the event was actually over, i was having so much fun, i never quit it.
what i also found is that the alcohol residue in your blood on a good hangover day really really helps maintaining that lucid punnive state of mind.
Actually, this is quite true.
I have a friend who I always wanted to go to Sunday Brunch with* because he'd be really hung over, and his bitter, cynical, bad-joke side would be shining through. It was awesome to behold.
*Usually at a bar.
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 08:19:02 PM
i once organized an event for my old students association called "the international day of the bad joke"
one preparation i did for it, just to get my pun muscles loose, was in the weeks before, i wouldn't miss any chance of making a bad joke or pun, and actually make it, no matter how bad it was, or even if it wasn't quite finished but just went "something about about an ooze-fish .. you know, because it .. get it?"
only when the event was actually over, i was having so much fun, i never quit it.
what i also found is that the alcohol residue in your blood on a good hangover day really really helps maintaining that lucid punnive state of mind.
Hmm, and I rarely drink. Perhaps I need to drink more and post more. :mrgreen:
...
You think we hate you now?
RWHN - the history of drink/post and drug/post hasn't been pretty.
Give it a shot. Either you'll produce something of staggering genius or you'll draw fire from Lys for a couple of hours.
One of these days, I'm going to admit that I'm often drunk when I post here.
But not today.
i think it's the combination of still having a slight buzz, some sickness and the cold hard sadism that comes naturally from feeling like that.
mang: nah the point is he's gonna post AFTER he's been thoroughly wasted for some hours, then got some bad sleep and wakes up with a spinning aching head
Yeah, I think I'll just stick with my current pun-ethic.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it right?
Am I right?
Quote from: LMNO on July 12, 2007, 08:32:25 PM
One of these days, I'm going to admit that I'm often drunk when I post here.
But not today.
Sounds like you partake in that of the liquid lunch more often than not.
Man, if I drank at work, I'd get fired, and not for being intoxicated, just for running my fucking mouth at borrowers.
Well, I drank a little last night. But I'm not hungover. And I don't feel funnier. In fact, I can't think of anything funny to say at all.
I walked into the bar last night.
Boy, did that smart!
Anyhow, I yelled out "Gin!"
Someone replied, "No dumbass, we're playing Black Jack!"
:rimshot:
He's here all week, folks! Try the veal!
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on July 13, 2007, 01:41:35 PM
Well, I drank a little last night. But I'm not hungover. And I don't feel funnier. In fact, I can't think of anything funny to say at all.
did you do it to test out the theory? [in which case, you're doing it wrong you should drunk A LOT]
or just happened to drink a little.
No, I ordered high-speed internet, I figured I was all grown up now and my internets should be too.
I got the self-install kit.
Let's just say, after going through all of that I needed a drink or two.
Pessimistic German: A Stitch in Time Saves Nein!
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 08:33:00 PM
i think it's the combination of still having a slight buzz, some sickness and the cold hard sadism that comes naturally from feeling like that.
yes.
I work retail and on days I go to work hungover, I am funnier. but not on the internets.
I always thought it had to do with not caring enough to say the first thing on your mind and worry about the consequences later.
This thread is like a meat grinder disguised as a fleshlight.
Wow, it's that good?
ofuk, now I need to go start drinking.
Quote from: Penumbral on September 12, 2007, 09:56:44 PM
Quote from: triple zero on July 12, 2007, 08:33:00 PM
i think it's the combination of still having a slight buzz, some sickness and the cold hard sadism that comes naturally from feeling like that.
yes.
I work retail and on days I go to work hungover, I am funnier. but not on the internets.
I always thought it had to do with not caring enough to say the first thing on your mind and worry about the consequences later.
this is probably because on the internets when hungover you probably don't even care enough to type it up.
What a wonderful audience, good to see all of you.
So, I was watching the History channel the other day.
They had a fascinating program on King Arthur and his Round Table crew.
Apparently, there is a legend that Sir Lancelot was running an underground Moonshine operation.
The story goes that King Arthur caught wind of it and had his men destroy the equipment.
Yes, that's right, they broke the Still of the Knight.
>>;
:thanks:
I phoned up a witch doctor
I told him about this sick witch I wanted him to see
he asked if I had a medical plan
I said "phoning you was as far ahead as I'd thought"
he asked if I needed cover
I told him no, I'd brave it out in the open
An Etch-A-Sketch was hanging out in a club.
A Lite-Brite and an Easy Bake oven come and sit next to him.
They lay out a few hits of Cocaine on the table.
The Etch-A-Sketch becomes visibly disturbed.
"What the hell guys! You know I can only do one continuous line!"
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on November 14, 2007, 06:36:36 PM
An Etch-A-Sketch was hanging out in a club.
A Lite-Brite and an Easy Bake oven come and sit next to him.
They lay out a few hits of Cocaine on the table.
The Etch-A-Sketch becomes visibly disturbed.
"What the hell guys! You know I can only do one continuous line!"
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a95/discordman/bin/etchalol.jpg)
Quote from: Kaou Suu on July 13, 2007, 02:43:49 PM
Try the veal!
This was the only thing in this thread that made me laugh. And i laughed HARD.
Why? Are you a vegetarian?
No, Stormcrow is really Andrew W. K. Not only does he "PARTY HARD!" he laughs hard too.
I LAUGHED HARD!
\
(http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/020315/124020__andrew_l.jpg)
:lulz:
Quote from: Shinigami715 on November 15, 2007, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Kaou Suu on July 13, 2007, 02:43:49 PM
Try the veal!
This was the only thing in this thread that made me laugh. And i laughed HARD.
I think someone needs to let a little sunshine in.
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"
Why are cones such awful tennis players?
Because they have soft serves.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on November 29, 2007, 04:55:52 PM
Why are cones such awful tennis players?
Because they have soft serves.
CONES LOL
The sheep approached the Farmer with Shear Terror.
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
What's green, has six legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
what is white and lethal when ingested?
a refridgerator
bump, per request.
Good afternoon ladies and gentlespags!
So, have you heard about how George W. Bush gave up golf for the troops.
Yeah, he says he felt bad and didn't want some Mom, after losing her son in a battle, see the Commander of Chief hitting a round of Golf.
Of course, I think he just wanted to be able to prove that there was at least one sand trap he could get out of.
:lulz:
Good afternoon everyone, nice to see you all here today. Are you enjoying the heat? Or is it the humidity?
Anyway, so what has four legs and one arm?
a pitbull in a playground.
:lol:
And: didja know that in San Diego, the 2d most violent dogbite attacks are from retrievers/labs? Number one is, of course, pitbulls.
3rd is Wiener Dogs?
:x
Once again, this thread is amazing.
Ahem! Faust?!
www.principiadiscordia.com/horns.aiff
Right on time. :argh!:
Quote from: Faust on June 16, 2008, 03:25:08 AM
www.principiadiscordia.com/horns.aiff
I was half afraid to open it, but i did anyway. :mittens:
A Dinner Conversation at the Palin Household.
Mr. Palin: You know honey, ever since you reassigned, er, fired that chef, our dinners just haven't been the same.
Sarah Palin: You betcha! Gosh gee willy gosh this dinner stinks.
Mr. Palin: How do you like the bread?
Sarah Palin: Oh by golly gee gosh my bread is all moldy. I just ate moldy bread, gosh by golly.
Mr. Palin: Well, look on the bright side.
Sarah Palin: What's that, golly gee gosh golly?
Mr. Palin: You just greatly increased your cultural experience.
:rimshot:
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on October 10, 2008, 06:38:22 PM
A Dinner Conversation at the Palin Household.
Mr. Palin: You know honey, ever since you reassigned, er, fired that chef, our dinners just haven't been the same.
Sarah Palin: You betcha! Gosh gee willy gosh this dinner stinks also.
Mr. Palin: How do you like the bread?
Sarah Palin: Oh by golly gee gosh my bread is all moldy. I just ate moldy bread, gosh by golly also.
Mr. Palin: Well, look on the bright side.
Sarah Palin: What's that, golly gee gosh golly also?
Mr. Palin: You just greatly increased your cultural experience.
fixt
[horrible realization]
PALIN IS NED FLANDERS
[horrible realization]
So this means she's a Lefty. :eek:
Evidence:
a) Affected 'folksy' speech
b) Ardent Christianity
c) Moustache*
She's NED FLANDERS!!!!!!!!! :lulz: :lulz:
*see latest edition of Newsweek (front cover)
(http://www.theimproper.com/Images/Art/sarah%20palin%20newsweek%20cover.jpg)
You sayin' her lip rip ain't right, Mang?
Holy crap that is terrifying.
That's the cover!
When you get really close to it, you see that the photo hasn't been touched. In fact, Paliners were complaining to Newsweek for that very reason.
Moustache was an exaggeration for comic effect. However, I stand by my original contention: She's NED FLANDERS!! :x
Holy hell that's frightening.
:thanks:
Quote from: Jenne on October 10, 2008, 09:11:46 PM
:thanks:
Geez Jenne, thanks for making the entire board feel queasy. :lol:
ENCORE!
Hey, what does an Iraqi Journalist always have to do after work?
Re-boot!
:rimshot:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were
swimming around in the sea.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and
bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old
pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out
and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian'
I do love a shaggy dog.
Hey did you ever write up an Aristocrats joke when I had that thread going a long time ago?
I think I just threw up in my pants.
I have to say I'm drawing a blank on that one. But knowing how my motivation works, I probably didn't. Where was the thread?
Quote from: LMNO is now Shadowspear Demonhawk on February 26, 2009, 03:37:23 PM
I think I just threw up in my pants.
In my defense, I stole it from someone else.
My memory of this was a bit off... I thought for some reason that a few people wrote one, but it seems it was really just me and the Other Anonymous. And I don't really care for mine anymore... do a better one!
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=7089.0 (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=7089.0)
:horrormirth:
Nothing deserves that icon like RWHN's puns.
Consider yourself lucky, you don't have to live with me. :lulz:
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender queries, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies: "You would to if you were surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers."
So I have this Irish friend of mine, his name is William, and he's an artisan who likes to put on charity events. Normally, he is very successful and has raised all kinds of money, clothing, and other items for the poor people in the community.
Sounds like a really nice guy.
Yeah, but he recently told me about this last event that was a real dud. Didn't get any donations at all.
Hmm, what did he call it?
Will's Knotwork For Food.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Bumpity bump