So, Larry Lobster dies and goes to heaven. He's given a harp, a halo, and some wings. He petitions St Peter to be allowed to go back to earth for one more day, as his good friend Sam Clam is opening a club.
St Peter says it is OK, but he needs to be careful not to loose his things he just got.
So, he goes back, there is a tearful reunion, and then party all night at the new club. the next day, he goes back to heaven.
St Peter says, 'did you bring your stuff?' Larry Lobster checks... halo, check! wings... check! harp? oh no!
St Peter says, 'what happened to your harp?'
Larry Lobster replies, 'i left my harp in sam clam's disco'
*rimshot*
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.0
Read Cain's joke and then tell me you're sure this is the kind of thread you want to be starting.
Quote from: cavehamster on March 12, 2010, 05:40:18 AM
So, Larry Lobster dies and goes to heaven. He's given a harp, a halo, and some wings. He petitions St Peter to be allowed to go back to earth for one more day, as his good friend Sam Clam is opening a club.
St Peter says it is OK, but he needs to be careful not to loose his things he just got.
So, he goes back, there is a tearful reunion, and then party all night at the new club. the next day, he goes back to heaven.
St Peter says, 'did you bring your stuff?' Larry Lobster checks... halo, check! wings... check! harp? oh no!
St Peter says, 'what happened to your harp?'
Larry Lobster replies, 'i left my harp in sam clam's disco'
*rimshot*
I don't get it.
Quote from: Paesior on March 12, 2010, 05:42:20 AM
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.0
Read Cain's joke and then tell me you're sure this is the kind of thread you want to be starting.
Nah, I love bad jokes.
Quote from: Paesior on March 12, 2010, 05:42:20 AM
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.0
Read Cain's joke and then tell me you're sure this is the kind of thread you want to be starting.
I loved that joke! It made me giggle.
Quote from: Mistress Freeky on March 12, 2010, 05:44:15 AM
Quote from: cavehamster on March 12, 2010, 05:40:18 AM
So, Larry Lobster dies and goes to heaven. He's given a harp, a halo, and some wings. He petitions St Peter to be allowed to go back to earth for one more day, as his good friend Sam Clam is opening a club.
St Peter says it is OK, but he needs to be careful not to loose his things he just got.
So, he goes back, there is a tearful reunion, and then party all night at the new club. the next day, he goes back to heaven.
St Peter says, 'did you bring your stuff?' Larry Lobster checks... halo, check! wings... check! harp? oh no!
St Peter says, 'what happened to your harp?'
Larry Lobster replies, 'i left my harp in sam clam's disco'
*rimshot*
I don't get it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6d03gbmAzc Maybe that will help...
Heres my ultimate joke (I can't think of anything else :() -
2 Asian walk into a bar
q: what's brown and sticky?
a: a stick.
:horrormirth:
Quote from: Mistress Freeky on March 12, 2010, 05:44:15 AM
Quote from: cavehamster on March 12, 2010, 05:40:18 AM
So, Larry Lobster dies and goes to heaven. He's given a harp, a halo, and some wings. He petitions St Peter to be allowed to go back to earth for one more day, as his good friend Sam Clam is opening a club.
St Peter says it is OK, but he needs to be careful not to loose his things he just got.
So, he goes back, there is a tearful reunion, and then party all night at the new club. the next day, he goes back to heaven.
St Peter says, 'did you bring your stuff?' Larry Lobster checks... halo, check! wings... check! harp? oh no!
St Peter says, 'what happened to your harp?'
Larry Lobster replies, 'i left my harp in sam clam's disco'
*rimshot*
I don't get it.
I left my heaaaaart, in San...Fran...Cisco....
here's a bad joke
cavehamster: "Hey Kel, do you like mead?"
Kel: "its not bad"
cavehamster: "ill drop off some"
kel "where's the mead?!?!!? i see no mead!!!"
:p
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
Quote from: -Kel- on March 12, 2010, 06:01:14 PM
here's a bad joke
cavehamster: "Hey Kel, do you like mead?"
Kel: "its not bad"
cavehamster: "ill drop off some"
kel "where's the mead?!?!!? i see no mead!!!"
:p
Hey! I said I would drop it off when I got my vacuum back, not teleport it over right away ;)
I put a bottle on the bike this morning, I shall deliver it this evening. :lulz:
Quote from: cavehamster on March 12, 2010, 07:59:26 PM
Quote from: -Kel- on March 12, 2010, 06:01:14 PM
here's a bad joke
cavehamster: "Hey Kel, do you like mead?"
Kel: "its not bad"
cavehamster: "ill drop off some"
kel "where's the mead?!?!!? i see no mead!!!"
:p
Hey! I said I would drop it off when I got my vacuum back, not teleport it over right away ;)
I put a bottle on the bike this morning, I shall deliver it this evening. :lulz:
hehehehe, YAY!!!
Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: A boolean grape.
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the root password.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
Oh no, light bulb jokes:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Quote from: Ten Ton Mantis on March 12, 2010, 06:05:17 PM
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
I'll admit this made me chortle out loud.
Q: Why don't you ever have to worry about starving to death in the desert?
A: you can always eat the sand which is there.
Quote from: Lady Grinning Soul on March 12, 2010, 05:51:10 PM
q: what's brown and sticky?
a: a stick.
:horrormirth:
This is my favorite joke of all time
OF ALL TIME.
Quote from: Emerald City Hustle on March 12, 2010, 10:02:05 PM
Q: Why don't you ever have to worry about starving to death in the desert?
A: you can always eat the sand which is there.
This is terrible and I am texting it to Mario immediately.
Quote from: Performance. Environment. Actuators. Sensors. on March 12, 2010, 05:42:20 AM
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.0
Read Cain's joke and then tell me you're sure this is the kind of thread you want to be starting.
Best joke ever. Only problem: cannot condense it to Twitter form and unleash it on the web in a compact manner. I can link to it, I suppose, but most people will get bored before finishing it.
Fine, fine. TBAWSMOTBAWB joke.
[quone]
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
"Sure."[/quote]
Quote from: Calamity Nigel on March 13, 2010, 03:34:49 AM
Quote from: Lady Grinning Soul on March 12, 2010, 05:51:10 PM
q: what's brown and sticky?
a: a stick.
:horrormirth:
This is my favorite joke of all time
OF ALL TIME.
MINE TOO!!!
:awesome:
(wonders what it says about me when an English word joke is my favourite joke ever.)
..
wait I just remembered this is also one of my favouritest bad jokes, which is originally in Dutch, but not being a word joke also works in English:
Two idiots are waiting in front of a traffic light.
One says to the other, "It's green."
Says the other, "A frog?"
Quote from: Triple Zero on March 13, 2010, 06:24:35 PM
(wonders what it says about me when an English word joke is my favourite joke ever.)
..
wait I just remembered this is also one of my favouritest bad jokes, which is originally in Dutch, but not being a word joke also works in English:
Two idiots are waiting in front of a traffic light.
One says to the other, "It's green."
Says the other, "A frog?"
:lulz:
I like that one.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
I FOUND IT FUNNY :x
HERE IS TERRIBLE JOKE
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
ALSO MAY I SUGEST A SUPPLMENTARY ONE?
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Quote from: NotPublished on March 13, 2010, 09:38:26 PM
I FOUND IT FUNNY :x
HERE IS TERRIBLE JOKE
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
ALSO MAY I SUGEST A SUPPLMENTARY ONE?
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Q: How did the blonde die?
A: She got sick and could not afford health insurance.
What do you call an Arab driving an airplane?
A pilot, you dick.
Two blondes walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have noticed.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Q: What is purple and concord the world?
A: Alexander the Grape.
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was giving it last rites.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A: The same middle name.
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q: What do you call a half-dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Nonconformist
I'm a social drinker. When someone says "I'll have a drink", I say "Social I!"
HA! HAHA!
/Peewee laugh
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?
Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.
Quote from: dimo on March 16, 2010, 06:36:35 PM
What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?
Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.
:spittake:
A guy goes to a bar. The place is empty except for the bartender, so he sits at the end of the bar and orders a beer. He takes a drink, and hears a little voice say, 'Man, nice shirt'. Looks around, no one there. Takes another drink, and the voice says, 'Wow, where did you get those shoes??'. He still can't find the voice. He takes another drink and the voice calls out, 'Like your pants!' He calls the bartender over and asks where the voice is coming from.
"What is the voice saying, sir?" asks the bartender.
"It told me it liked my pants and shoes," the guy responds.
"Oh, that's just the nuts, sir. They are complimentary!"
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2010, 06:38:01 PM
Quote from: dimo on March 16, 2010, 06:36:35 PM
What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a four-year old?
Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out the window.
:spittake:
:thanks:
What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?
They both fuck up trees.
That FYI is the only joke I can remember if prompted to tell a joke.
A guy goes to the store, picks up a bottle of milk, a loaf of bread, and a bag of potato chips. Goes to checkout, and the clerk remarks, "I can tell you are single."
The guy says, "How can you tell I am single from what I am buying?"
And the clerk says, "Because you are ugly"
ENKI
o.m.g. (!)
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't "jelly" a dick into your girlfriend's ass.
WATCH ME.
also, I less-than-three this whole thread.
Q: What's the difference between a chicken?
A: To get to the side!
Q: What do you call a murderer that has fibre?
A: A cereal killer.
What kind of tree can you wear? A fir coat.
What kind of rain has presents? A bridal shower.
What do you call a good-looking taxi? A hansom cab.
What do you call a perforated relic? A holey grail.
What kind of pig can you ignore at a party? A wild bore.
Ah, chickens.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals of the campfire with his penis.
Quote from: LMNO on March 17, 2010, 01:32:10 PM
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't "jelly" a dick into your girlfriend's ass.
This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. I actually made 20 bucks once for telling this joke. And the other night, I was making toast and jelly, and a female friend asked the same question in all seriousness, I couldn't even make it to the punch-line. I just started laughing and she was all like "what's so funny?"
What method did Dracula use to arrange his furniture?
Fang Shuei
I just made that up. I wantz a cookie.
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2020/1789401725_225d6966d9.jpg)
Wow, those are some friggin scary cookies :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Thnx
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
A mad social scientists kidnaps three of his colleagues: an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician. He locks them in individual cells with stacks of unopened cans of food, a pencil, and no can openers.
After three weeks he checks on them.
The engineer's cell is long empty. It appears that he made an explosive out of the junk in his pocket, got out, and took all the food.
The physicist has calculated on the floor of his cell the precise angle to cleanly open a can by throwing it at the wall, and now has a strong throwing arm and a wall covered with baked beans.
In the mathematician's cell, the cans are stacked neatly in the corner. In front of the mathematician's dessicated corpse is written:
Quote
Theorem: If I do not open these cans, I will die.
Proof:
Assume the opposite.
Quote from: Suu on March 27, 2010, 03:12:12 AM
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
:? :? I think that one went right over my head.
Quote from: dimo on March 28, 2010, 04:23:49 PM
Quote from: Suu on March 27, 2010, 03:12:12 AM
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
:? :? I think that one went right over my head.
It's a joke from the Breakfast Club where a character gets cut off (falls out of the ventilation ducts) before getting a chance to say the punchline.
Why did the hippy try out for the gymnastics team?
He heard they were looking for someone who was double jointed.
They chose an epsilon so small it was negative!
Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful that when he tried to remember someone's name, he drew a blank.
A travelling salesmen walks up to a house and rings the bell.
The door opens, and he sees an 8-year-old kid standing there with a lit cigar in one hand, and a glass of scotch in the other. Behind him, the salesman sees the flat-screen TV is showing a fairly graphic porn film, and there's a coffee table covered with junkfood right in front of it.
The salesman says, "Hi... Are your parents home?"
The kid looks at him and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
But did he find the shortest route between cities?
:lulz:
An english major, an engineer, and a mathematician are asked to create a pen with the greatest area out of a given piece of fencing.
The english major spent a lot of time making squares and measuring them, then finally gave up.
The engineer made a circle out of the fencing, and went out for a beer.
The mathematician rolled the fencing up very tight, stuck it into the ground, and shouted "I DECLARE MYSELF TO BE INSIDE THE PEN".
Haha, that reminds me of these two.
An engineer wakes up and finds his kitchen on fire. He gets the water hose, drowns it, and then goes back to bed.
A physicist wakes up and finds his kitchen on fire. He quickly calculates the water required to put out the flames, and provides just that amount to put out the flames, and goes back to bed.
A mathematician wakes up to his kitchen on fire, sits down and calculates that it is possible to put it out, and goes back to bed.
So, an engineer, a programmer, and a physicist are driving along down a hill, when the car goes out of control, and ends up flipping upside, sliding down the hill, and coming to a stop in the ditch. All three pile out. The engineer points to the broken brake line, the big pothole up and road and claims this is the cause. The physicist pulls out some graph paper, calculates the forces involved, and agrees with the engineer. The programmer shakes his head and says, 'Help me flip it over, and let's try it again...'
Just link the sci-jokes archive (http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/) already.
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.
Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."
-----
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
-----
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are taken,
one at a time, into a room to undergo a psychological test. In the room is
a table (upon which is a pad and pencil), a chair, a bucket of water, and a
waste basket rigged so that it can be set ablaze from an adjacent room in
which the psychologists watch.
The engineer is first, and the basket is set ablaze. The engineer
immediately jumps up, grabs the bucket of water and dashes the entire thing
onto the fire, flooding the entire room and extinguishing the fire.
The physicist is next. The basket ignites, the physicist quickly calculates
exactly how much water is required to extinguish the flames and pours
exactly that amount, neatly extinguishing the flames.
The mathematician next. The basket blazes up, the mathematician calculates
exactly how much water is required to put out the fire, and then walks out
of the room.
The statistician is last. The basket is ignited. He grabs the bucket, pours
half on one side, half on the other, and announces, "It's out."
-----
From: Alison Reeve <e9329216#NoSpam.student.uq.edu.au> & unknown.
Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician)
are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out
of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with
alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer. "If we hit it enough we can
put it out".
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials
until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the
fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of
oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the
statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both
scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
-----
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
-----
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
Quote from: PeregrineBF on April 07, 2010, 12:14:09 AM
Just link the sci-jokes archive (http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/) already.
You are my new hero. I didn't even know that existed.
What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite melon?
\
(http://www.drinkatwork.com/FozzieBear.jpg)
/
CANTELOPE!!!1
Wakka wakka wakka! :lulz:
What do a horse doctor and an old Nazi have in common?
They're both veterinarians (veteran Aryans).
Here's one I posted in the "This is sick" thread last week.
" I don't understand, what is this fascination that Belgian men have about having sex with 28 year old women?"
"There are twenty of them, . . . . . . . . " :omg:
Why don't women call Dracula back after the first date?
They're not fond of the surprise bat sex.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga...?
...
Poker Face!
Quote from: Bang Bang Zoom on April 14, 2010, 09:44:08 PM
Quote from: PeregrineBF on April 07, 2010, 12:14:09 AM
Just link the sci-jokes archive (http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/) already.
You are my new hero. I didn't even know that existed.
This place is great.
This one in particular has me cracking up:
QuoteTheorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 19, 2010, 11:55:27 PM
This place is great.
This one in particular has me cracking up:
QuoteTheorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
I'm not sure if I'm laughing because I get it, or I'm laughing because I don't at all...
It's funny either way. I never thought I'd find a joke that was both Incongruous-Nonsensical and Incongruous-Resolution.
It's incorrect, though.
(Just to prove that I'm not a humorless joke ruiner, though, I laughed at the Lady Gaga joke)
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 12:37:33 AM
(Just to prove that I'm not a humorless joke ruiner, though, I laughed at the Lady Gaga joke)
YES. I MADE SOMEONE LAUGH.
My life is complete!
Quote from: Abbess Jade on May 20, 2010, 02:59:28 AM
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 12:37:33 AM
(Just to prove that I'm not a humorless joke ruiner, though, I laughed at the Lady Gaga joke)
YES. I MADE SOMEONE LAUGH.
My life is complete!
I laughed at that GaGa one as well, and I told someone else, and they laughed too.
So, How do you get a drunken Pikachu, onto a Bus?
Just gotta Pokemon. (Better?)
Jesus christ dude BBcode is like the easiest thing to learn and you fuck it up constantly.
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 05:03:47 AM
Jesus christ dude BBcode is like the easiest thing to learn and you fuck it up constantly.
Not constantly, but I'll own it, up to occasionally. I'd never used it until I got on this site.
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 19, 2010, 11:55:27 PM
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
This is only possible if a = b = 0.
JOKE RUINT!!!
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 19, 2010, 11:55:27 PM
QuoteTheorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
you are dividing by 0.
Quote from: BadBeast on May 20, 2010, 05:26:15 AM
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 05:03:47 AM
Jesus christ dude BBcode is like the easiest thing to learn and you fuck it up constantly.
Not constantly, but I'll own it, up to occasionally. I'd never used it until I got on this site.
BUT BUT BUT you just click on the "Quote" link and then you make sure to type OUTSIDE of the quote tags!!
INSIDE the quote tags is for what OTHER people wrote
Quote from: Weltbürger on May 20, 2010, 11:51:29 AM
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 19, 2010, 11:55:27 PM
QuoteTheorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
you are dividing by 0.
That's the joke dipshit.
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 21, 2010, 02:12:37 AM
Quote from: Weltbürger on May 20, 2010, 11:51:29 AM
Quote from: Requia ☣ on May 19, 2010, 11:55:27 PM
QuoteTheorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1
you are dividing by 0.
That's the joke dipshit.
If we call this mathematical problem a joke, then my answer was the punchline and you're supposed to laugh.
A man felt he had a problem with his size. At the local clinic,
an excited doctor told him that because of his particular blood type, he
could undergo a radical new surgery: a small section of baby elephant
trunk could be grafted onto his penis, giving it extra strength and
length.
"Swote!" said the man, and in a few days he was out of hospital with his
new pachydermic penis, and strict instructions to "lay off" for two weeks.
At the end of the two weeks, he took his girlfriend out for the ultimate
dinner. Candles, wines, violins, fine food... this was the night. But when
they were sitting at the table, he felt a stirring in his left trouser
leg, and suddenly his penis fumbled onto the table, grabbed a bread roll
and disappeared again.
"My God!" said his girlfriend. "Can you do that again??"
With a wince, he said "I think so - but I don't think my ass can take it."
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 05:03:47 AM
Jesus christ dude BBcode is like the easiest thing to learn and you fuck it up constantly.
And it only seems to happen when I'm answering from my mobile phone. Which has a 2 inch screen.
Quote from: Abbess Jade on May 20, 2010, 02:59:28 AM
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 20, 2010, 12:37:33 AM
(Just to prove that I'm not a humorless joke ruiner, though, I laughed at the Lady Gaga joke)
YES. I MADE SOMEONE LAUGH.
My life is complete!
Oh man, I haven't checked this thread in weeks, and then find that little gem in here... I'm thankful I was not drinking anything, thanks for the laugh ;)
One of my favorite jokes is to yell "I want Samoa dat!" when anyone mentions the island nation. Regardless of context.
So there's this stage magician who does kid's parties for a side job. He's on his way to a gig, and gets pulled over by a police cruiser for speeding. The magician tells the officer that he was running late for a gig. The officer checks him out on the computer and returns.
"Well, you're clear. But I'll tell you what, I like magic, so if you can do some magic for me I'll let you off with a warning."
"Oh, man. I sent all my equipment ahead with my partner."
"Hmm. Have anything in the trunk?"
"Well, let's see."
No magic stuff was in the trunk.
"Well, can you juggle?"
"Oh, sure!", and pretty soon the magician is juggling a road flare, a wrench, a tire iron, a hubcap, and a squeegee.
While this is going on, a drunk is passing by. He watches the magician for a few seconds, shakes his head, and gets into the back of the police car. The officer had seen this and went over to the car.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?"
"You might as well take my drunk ass to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I'm gonna pass THAT test!"
Here we go...
Stop me if you've heard these ones:
Q: How many fruitflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2. But you wonder how they got in there.
Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21. One to hold the light bulb, the other 20 to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you slow down a death metal guitarist?
A: Put sheet music in front of him
Guitarist: How many drummers does it take to... AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHH
Drummer: [strangling] ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING DRUMMER JOKES!!!!
Story:
Ok, so this dude goes on long trips and his wife's a nympho. He wants to make sure she gets her rocks off while he's gone without banging random dudes. So he goes down to Kinky Sex Shop and tell the clerk the sitch. Clerk says, "I've got just the thing for you. Voodoo Penis. It's a magic dildo that will do what you say". He buys it, brings it home and gives the instructions to his wife. She tries it out. She says "Voodoo Penis, pussy" and she has a good time. When she's done, she says "Voodoo Penis, stop!" and lo and behold, Voodoo Penis stops. Well, she's on her way to work, and decides that she could stand to get a quick one on her commute, and says "Voodoo Penis, pussy!" The dildo jumps right to her nether regions and starts giving her a mindblowing orgasm. So much so, she gets pulled over by the state trooper. He says, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" So she tries to explain the Voodoo Penis to her. State Trooper responds, "Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Joke teller: Did you hear that one about the foreigner?
Joke listener: No...
Joke teller: He was real stupid
Story:
American, Englishman and Irishman walk into a bar, they each order a pint.
It's not a very clean bar and there's this fly going around. The fly lands on the Americans pint and he says, "Fuckin' fly!!!" and flicks him off, proceeding to drink his beer. The disturbed fly whizzes around a bit and alights on the Brit's beer. The Englishman says, "Oi! Bahkeep! Vairz a floi on me beeah. I fink I wont anothah fuckin beeah!" The bartender takes the Englishman's beer away and give him another. This of course, disturbs the fly, who is now whizzing around again. The Irishman takes his sip of his pint, puts it down and the fly lands on it. The Irishman's eyes widen, and with lightning fast reflexes, grabs the fly, throws him on the bar and starts shouting, "SHPITH ITH OUT YE FECKIN' BASTURD!!!"
I have more. But again. Stop me if you've heard these ones.
How many really real Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they don't even realise the bulb has gone, because they are the only really real source of light.
How many really fake Discordians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'll just wait for a really real Discordian to light the way.