First off: congratulate Eve on her new job selling sex toys
Then, more importantly: we're brainstorming up new toys Eve can suggest at her staff meetings.
Here's #1:
it's a mug
and you pee in it
then you drink the pee
Here's #2:
The bong-plug.
it's both a butt plug and a bong.
The slogan: "take a rip from your lover's butt!"
ECH pointed out that you could actually smoke butt hash with it. FINALLY! consumerism has provided a solution.
I'm wondering if I'm actually any good at this.
Basically, all you need to do is to visit your local medieval reenactment society, steal all the weapons and "replica" torture devices and market them for the BDSM crowd.
okay okay okay okay
this one is classy
it's a vibrating champagne bottle
you jam it into your lover (any orifice will do), then flip the switch and it begins to vibrate. As he/she approaches climax, you twist a little knob and the cork pops off at 65 km per hour. Instantly, everybody is soaking wet.
oh my :lol:
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 06:40:41 PM
Here's #2:
The bong-plug.
it's both a butt plug and a bong.
The slogan: "take a rip from your lover's butt!"
Beaver Bongs already exist... Google can provide details (NSFW)
(http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/01/20/17/c6/dunking-booth-at-the.jpg)
It's a dunking booth
except that the pool is filled with pee
okay so it's like a dunking booth
but instead of throwing baseballs at the target
you just throw them directly at your lover. There's no cage or fence to protect him/her.
Wait wait wait cages are extremely sexy.
So there's a cage. And your throwing baseballs as hard as you can at the cage, and that riles up the wild dogs that are also in the cage.
Is that sexy or what?
hmmmmmmmm but it's kind of a narrow market, not everybody is into being attacked by wild beasts
Okay
So when you hit the target, the lover doesn't get dumped out of the cage and into the water, the entire cage gets dunked into the pool.
EDIT TO ADD: thereby causing your lover to drown
fucking BONER TIME, am I right?
What about food that you eat off your lover's body? people seem to love that shit.
but people stick to such traditional things to eat off their lover: whipped cream, strawberries, maple syrup...
people need excitement
they crave something new
they crave
BODY CHEETOS
you cover your lover in sticky orange dust
and then you rub them down with an erotic sanitary napkin
body fondue... you cover your lover in molten cheese or chocolate, then scoop it up using cock shaped fruits and vegetables
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 06:57:27 PM
What about food that you eat off your lover's body? people seem to love that shit.
but people stick to such traditional things to eat off their lover: whipped cream, strawberries, maple syrup...
people need excitement
they crave something new
they crave
BODY CHEETOS
you cover your lover in sticky orange dust
and then you rub them down with an erotic sanitary napkin
:spittake:
All excellent suggestions. I will make careful note.
you know how porn stars fuck with their shoes on?
now YOU can feel like a DOUBLE porn star, with new
HIGH HEELS FOR YOUR HANDS
also
FISHNET STOCKINGS FOR YOUR ARMS
also also also
BRASSIERES FOR YOUR BUTT
Cramulus is gonna make me choke on my hummus
BUTT STICK
no! it's not what you think!
it's lipstick for your sphincter!
which leads me to:
press on fingernails
designed for genitals!
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 07:03:14 PM
BUTT STICK
no! it's not what you think!
it's lipstick for your sphincter!
VERY MARKETABLE. Does it come in a range of colors? Super glossy? Taste good?
Quote from: Eve on November 10, 2010, 07:05:51 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 07:03:14 PM
BUTT STICK
no! it's not what you think!
it's lipstick for your sphincter!
VERY MARKETABLE. Does it come in a range of colors? Super glossy? Taste good?
it comes in both chapstick and mexican flavors
holy crap
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 07:04:54 PM
which leads me to:
press on fingernails
designed for genitals!
Certainly puts a whole different spin on "getting nailed"
I'd like to see some practical sex toys.
Nipple clamps that will also jump your car battery.
Anal beads that, when thrown, create a smokescreen.
Cock-rings that you can use as an emergency whistle.
A fleshlight cocktail shaker. Seems like this one should exist already.
(http://cindydating.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/hazmat-suit-blue.jpg)
it's a hazmat suit
that's it.
(cramulus talks to somebody off camera)
Not enough? Okay.
It's a hazmat suit filled with ants.
So you're obviously not going to be able to have sex with anybody because of the suit and the ants, so basically you just go into some kind of toxic hot-zone and dry hump. The extreme discomfort caused by the ants will cause you and your lover to writhe in extremely erotic ways.
fucking million dollar idea right there. I should patent this shit before one of you hairy palmed jizzwits steals it.
seX-Box 360 - This home gaming console comes with a set of motion sensing undergarment controllers with multiple vibration functions. Play against the AI, or go PVP on seX-Box Live for some real-life simuated human contact!
how about a dildo shaped like a bust of abraham lincoln -- including his signature stovepipe hat
it could be called "The Great Emancipator"
edit: or the "Romancipation Pricklomation"
The Steamer™
It's a buttplug that releases a steady flow of steam into your ass to freshen it and keep it nice and warm while you wait between brutal poundings. Comes with flavor packets: vanilla, strawberry and chocolate*.
*Chocolate recalled for undisclosed reasons.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 06:46:14 PM
okay okay okay okay
this one is classy
it's a vibrating champagne bottle
you jam it into your lover (any orifice will do), then flip the switch and it begins to vibrate. As he/she approaches climax, you twist a little knob and the cork pops off at 65 km per hour. Instantly, everybody is soaking wet.
(http://www.ohwrd.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/fqy.jpg)
Prototype.
Quote from: Cuddlefist on November 10, 2010, 07:15:59 PM
seX-Box 360 - This home gaming console comes with a set of motion sensing undergarment controllers with multiple vibration functions. Play against the AI, or go PVP on seX-Box Live for some real-life simuated human contact!
"PRESS A! PRESS A!"
vagina flavored mouthwash
a bungee cord with a hammer on one end
"Naughty Cupid" costume
includes:
- wings
- toga
- bow
- suction cup arrows
- mask
- 100 feet of nylon rope
- switchblade
- white unmarked van with tinted windows
One of those "test your strength" things you see at a carnival, except you hit it with your cock
also: one of those machines that can flatten a penny
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/94/220654477_bcc474d62b_o.jpg)
no modifications or anything, it's hot as fuck already
microwavable ice
you want to tease your lover with an ice cube, but it's just too cold, right? Just throw it in the microwave. BAM.
"sex goggles"
they double as a blindfold -- because you can't actually see out of them. Due to dildos coming out the eyes
Bicycle built for two where the riders are facing each other
strap on dildo that doubles as a lathe
fuckable golf cart
Anal beads that, when pulled on hard and fast (think starting a lawnmower) traps the energy created from the friction to charge your phone.
I actually think I saw that in Sky Mall magazine.
You can't already fuck a golf cart? :?
that's the trick, we just sell regular golf carts
a blow-up doll that isn't so fucking judgmental
suction cup dildos that allow you to get Eiffel-towered by the washing machine and dryer at the same time
suction cup dildoes and fleshlights that you attach to your basement furniture.
This could facilitate
(a) getting ganbganged by multiple pieces of furniture at once,
(b) arranging chairs, televisions, couches into a hardcore furniture orgy.
I just read the entire thread from the beginning, and now I can't stand up without my erection knocking over the monitor.
The Fuck-Bible
this is sort of like the family bible that has a bottle of liquor hidden in it
but sloppier
strap on dildo that doubles as an AM Radio / belt sander
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UvNSDtL4Ts4/SyIhtGKQeEI/AAAAAAAAAIA/-Q-4hm1vIgo/s320/jaw_dropping_butch.jpg)
"Pit and the Pendulum" sex swing
you tie your lover to the bed and hang the sex swing above it
then get onto the sex swing and rock back and forth
slowly at first
building speed
building anticipation
until the hook in the ceiling gives out
Many people eroticize Leia's metal slave bikini from Star Wars.
and I agree, that is hot,
but it's a distraction from the room's real erotic centerpiece, this guy:
(http://www.blueharvest.net/images/crumb/crumb4.jpg)
The product is a little Salacious Crumb that sits on your bedpost and snickers at you, occasionally making inappropriate comments in an alien tongue.
for the exact same experience, you can just invite Marv Albert over for dinner and let things develop naturally.
(http://www.blueharvest.net/images/crumb/crumb4.jpg)(http://www.unclebarky.com/reviews_files/page3_blog_entry427_1.jpg)
same fucking guy!
Quote from: Sir Squid Diddimus on November 10, 2010, 08:01:47 PM
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UvNSDtL4Ts4/SyIhtGKQeEI/AAAAAAAAAIA/-Q-4hm1vIgo/s320/jaw_dropping_butch.jpg)
This.
Very appropriate material for Hump Day.
insert-able dynamite
---which in turn creates a demand for TNT condoms
DAYUM.
:mittens: on the fread.
And congrats to Eve, of course!
Spinning, tit-mounted fireworks
(http://www.sizlopedia.com/wp-content/uploads/face-recognition.jpg)
(http://www.dragonfire-fireworks-scotland.co.uk/images/lexicon_wheel.jpg)(http://www.dragonfire-fireworks-scotland.co.uk/images/lexicon_wheel.jpg)
(http://tell.fll.purdue.edu/JapanProj//FLClipart/Nouns/people&animal/legs.gif)
note: diagram to scale
Shlong Shoes: Shoes with dildos pointing out from the tips; a foot fucking that you won't forget!
Ear Muffs! Like fleshlights that strap on your head so you can actually fuck someone in the ear (or at least tip drill their ear....)
The Deadly Assp: A rubber snake for your anal pleasure!
Ahem.
Chinese wiener trap.
Quote from: Sigmatic on November 10, 2010, 09:15:00 PM
Ahem.
Chinese wiener trap.
Hehehehe. I'm a fan of this one.
I would have tried to invent a female equivalent, but I lack the brain damage to even conceive of such a thing. I leave it in the capable hands of PD.
A time released liquid adhesive that keeps teh lady parts stuck together for a length of time.
Also, mint.
A padded, vibrating cup specifically designed for the testicles, that achieves a firm fit by gently pumping air into an inflatable collar.
Mainstreamed unisex urethra stimulation kit, with mini autoclave for sterilizing the parts.
:mittens:
Suddenly, Richter.
Killin' it.
New Delicate TouchTM Panties
It's a pair of panties with microwear foam latex hands hot glued to the inside of it so that you get the sensation somebody is playing the piano on your ladyparts as you walk, also it plays Christmas music.
Being Festive Never Felt So Good!
The Cone!
Fully sized, regulation safety orange, this cone is all the fun of a construction site without the hassle of congested traffic!
NOW WITH REFLECTOR TAPE!
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on November 11, 2010, 05:35:22 AM
The Cone!
Fully sized, regulation safety orange, this cone is all the fun of a construction site without the hassle of congested traffic!
NOW WITH REFLECTOR TAPE!
Sir Reginald approves this message.
(http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n262/telarus/SirReginaldCone.png)
- A paddle with interchangeable inserts for short spike, prickly hairs, or other surfaces designed to stimulate bound extremities. The inserts will be the standardized size of 3x5 index cards. This way, those whishing to try a non - commercially available surfaces can make their own.
- Tactical Insertables. Featuring additional weight for use as an impact tool (Ha HA!), retention straps, enhanced gripping surfaces, knuckle dusters, and TACTICOOL COLORS (pixelated camo, coyote brown, ACU gray, black). These are the perfect accesory for when your kinky play is interupted by a home invasion, or love in the war zone.
(Available with the patented Slickmattetm finish. Nonreflective as not to give away your position or your dirty deeds, but still perfectly smooth for you lover's comfort.)
ScrotaLamp
It's a miniature lava lamp, only instead of the "lava" you stuff your painted nutsack into it.
Guaranteed to brighten your amateur sex videos.
The Elder Gag: A ball gag and head - harness bedecked with multiple silicone tentacles.
Quote from: Richter on January 12, 2011, 04:37:35 PM
The Elder Gag: A ball gag and head - harness bedecked with multiple silicone tentacles.
ITT we find out that "Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," is ball-and-gag for "Richter, what did we choose for safe word again?'
Quote from: Cramulus on November 10, 2010, 06:59:18 PM
body fondue... you cover your lover in molten cheese or chocolate, then scoop it up using cock shaped fruits and vegetables
This might actually sell.
Quote from: Sigmatic on November 10, 2010, 10:15:18 PM
I would have tried to invent a female equivalent, but I lack the brain damage to even conceive of such a thing. I leave it in the capable hands of PD.
Basically two double ended strap ons connected together and with padlocks.
:aaa:
MADNESS
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on January 12, 2011, 06:50:47 PM
Quote from: Richter on January 12, 2011, 04:37:35 PM
The Elder Gag: A ball gag and head - harness bedecked with multiple silicone tentacles.
ITT we find out that "Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," is ball-and-gag for "Richter, what did we choose for safe word again?'
:lulz:
Remember the "Snakelight"? It was a flashlight with a flexible tube body so you could wrap it around stuff. One of those, but with a vibe on one end, and a fleshlight on the other.
...Since this CAN technically fuck itself, I think it should be called the "Ouroboros"
Fread makes my face hurt. :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
A theramin butt blug, especially for Cram.