It hasn't been easy. It still isn't. Finding out you've wasted years on your life, thinking you had it set, that you'd done it right. Years of feeling just a little smug, sometimes, that happy little glow of "nothing bad can ever happen." Right up until it happens.
Now, it's, "what has SHE got that I haven't got?" (Easy answer, that one. My husband.) "Why her? She's disgusting." (She is. Really. Petri dish with feet.) Now it's hours of "where did I go wrong," and "what could I have done differently," and, worst of all, "how could I have changed myself to make it work?"
Stupid questions, really... but they dance around my head, bouncing off each other, sending sparks that burn when they skip off my brain. They're normal enough, I suppose. It's not the first time I've been cheated on. Granted, it's the first marriage that's been destroyed. The legal crap that's to come is scary as hell, but I've had relationships blow up in my face before. Maybe it's because this time I'd promised forever.
Funny, my idea of forever was a bit longer than four and a half years.
He said, originally, that he'd walk away and leave me with everything, he felt so bad. Like I'd want to live in the home we'd made together, surrounded by the ghosts of happier times. Now, of course, that it has come down to it, every thing that's even remotely "ours" (as opposed to "I had this when we met") is an argument. The sum total of the furniture I was allowed to take was a dresser (which was mine, before), a table that's about ready to fall apart, and some shelves. Some dishes from the kitchen (pretty much on my own for pots and pans), and a coffee pot I bought for ten bucks four years ago and left at work. Going through cash like it's water, trying to make the place livable. (You can't imagine what the words, "hey, I've got some stuff in storage, you need it?" meant. There wasn't more than a couple things I could use... but the fact that a friend cared enough...) My bank account is hemorraging, he's complaining that I owe him for half the cell phone bill, the car insurance, the health insurance, he's got NO money... but the little tramp is bragging to her friends about lobster dinners. (Oh, yes... when you live in a state you can spit across, never, EVER forget that you have no idea who talks to who, and how fast the fact that you're bragging about fucking a married man will get back to his wife.) And, let me tell you, finding out that they were talking about having kids months before I'd even moved out of the house was a special treat.
The hardest part is remembering things. The look in his eyes when I finally asked him if he even wanted to TRY working things out. He never did answer that question. Remembering that kicked-in-the-gut sensation when I realized that he'd run around with her behind my back, but that he'd permitted her to chip away at our relationship for, literally, years. Remembering him defending her with the, "if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else." Yeah, that helps, a lot. How many other women have been whispering their poison about me into your ears for years? Even worse, remembering that wonderful vacation we went on, less than a month before I found out about her.
Yeah. The good times are the hardest to remember. I can't help wondering, when I think back, "was he glad it was ME that was there, or was he wishing it was HER?"
I sometimes wish I could forget it all. Forget the years of marriage, the years before that we lived together. Wipe out over a decade of life, of memories. Just shovel out the brain, start over. I don't want this crap cluttering up my brain, keeping me awake at night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in so long, I don't remember what it's like to wake up to an alarm, rather than using it as a "stop lying there feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass to work" reminder.
You know what?
Fuck all that.
Through the worst of this, I've made some great friends, and I've found out some people I thought WERE friends, weren't... and some who I thought were just casual buddies were really friends.
I've been smacked in the face with the fact that other people have got the kind of baggage to lug around that I can only stare at in jaw-dropping horror. If they can get through that shit, I can get through this.
Yeah, it'd be nice to flip the "I don't care" switch and go on like the whole decade didn't happen... But, it did. He's not worth cutting out that much of my life for... and killing the part of myself that cares isn't going to do me any good.
So, yeah. I'm going to cry, sometimes. I'm going to see one of my friends who's pregnant (and what the FUCK was in the water around here, anyway?) and choke up at the lost time and lost chances. And I'm going to get angry, and take it out on the guys at fencing practice. (Sorry about the bruises, honest.) I'm going to lean on my friends a little too much for awhile.
But you know what?
This might have been the best thing that ever happened to me.
Bastard doesn't deserve me.
:sad:
It may sound untrue and trite, but there'll come a time when you're not asking yourself "Where did I go wrong" and "How could I have changed myself," but you'll stop asking questions altogether and start laughing when he starts realizing what he's got himself into, what he's lost.
Trust me on this.
For what it's worth, this will pass. My first marriage lasted 25 years and when I finally got tired of being battered I walked out on $735,000.00.
Sorry you are having to go through this kid. Hang in there.
Thanks, all.
The answer to "how could I have changed myself" is probably that I could have, quite a bit... and I would have been miserable. And, when I'm right in the head, I realize that I didn't go wrong. We went wrong... and he was weak enough to give up.
Quote from: Sister Fracture on February 08, 2011, 10:34:36 PM
but you'll stop asking questions altogether and start laughing when he starts realizing what he's got himself into, what he's lost.
Yep, like when the kids pop out with their faces covered in herpaderp...or his piss burning after she bounces on to the next victim. Whoops.
Am I the only one thinking of vicious vindication here or....?
There are days when I'm feeling particularly vicious. Some days, I don't. We'll see how I'm feeling once the paperwork's over.
Glad to see you're turning it around.
The best revenge you can get is simply being happy.
Hay, you're free! If memory serves it took me quite a while for that to really sink in (lotta panic or misery or some shit happened first) but, once I did, life got real fucking awesome, real fucking quick.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 01:11:21 PM
Glad to see you're turning it around.
The best revenge you can get is simply being happy.
That's the first goal. I'm focusing on stuff that I enjoy doing, and thinking back to things I used to enjoy, but stopped doing because HE didn't enjoy them, or didn't like me doing them. (And, while I'm at it, I'm raking through stuff that got ditched prior to him.)
It's a pretty scary list. I'd all but stopped listening to music, just because he didn't like my music. It's been so long since I've danced that I'm not sure I remember where my feet are. (Though given the fact that I can trip on a perfectly flat surface, how great a loss that is, I dunno, yet.) I'd dropped me more physical of the sword fighting styles that I used to enjoy, and he'd discouraged me from trying to pick it back up. (I caught him going through my old armor bag looking for stuff to give to his new girlfriend to get HER started, though. No frippin' way. I took the bag, and am toying with giving it another try.) He used to nag me about what I spent my time on...
He hated that I spent time reading, goofing around with Facebook games, playing World of Warcraft. Irony, I've been so busy that I haven't had time to read much of anything, I've quit the stupid Facebook games, and my WoW time is way down.
Got a few personal goals set, too. Going to get that gym membership I've been thinking about, take off some of the extra weight. Eat better, take better care of myself. Mostly that's for me... Though, I won't deny the thought of him seeing me looking great, having a good time, and moved on with my life isn't a bad one.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on February 09, 2011, 01:24:45 PM
Hay, you're free! If memory serves it took me quite a while for that to really sink in (lotta panic or misery or some shit happened first) but, once I did, life got real fucking awesome, real fucking quick.
Yeah, that's starting to sink in. I suspect it'll hit after all the legal crap is over with, but the simple fact that I don't have to take shit from anybody if I decide I want to hang out and drink at a buddy's place until midnight, and walk home through the city streets afterward, is a good thing.
I think most of us blame ourselves initially because we have a harder time coming to terms with loving such a terrible excuse for a human being than we do with "Oh I must have fucked something up because I....."
As most have said, you'll move on from blaming yourself and placing the blame where it is deserved.
As LMNO said, the best revenge is being happy.
Of course seeing them out and you looking like a million bucks when she needs to touch up her roots and lose 100 pounds, get on proactive for reals, maybe see another dentist because those caps, damn... that is nothing to turn away from. Take your victories when you can. Eventually you'll just feel sorry for her and disgusted with him. It just seems to take forever....
Quote from: Khara on February 09, 2011, 03:21:48 PM
I think most of us blame ourselves initially because we have a harder time coming to terms with loving such a terrible excuse for a human being than we do with "Oh I must have fucked something up because I....."
Also, blaming yourself puts the control in your own hands, at least in your head. "It's my fault because..." means, "If I do (or don't do) THIS next time, this can't happen again." It's bullshit, but it makes things easier to swallow, sometimes. Is there anything I could have done to prevent this? No, because by the time I found out about it, he'd already decided the marriage was over and he was moving on. Sure, I knew we were in trouble, I just couldn't get a grasp on what the hell was going on. (She works with him, so she had every weekday for three years to chip away at things.)
QuoteAs most have said, you'll move on from blaming yourself and placing the blame where it is deserved.
It's tough. The instinct is to blame myself, because me, I can fix. I can't fix him. (Well, okay, maybe with a pair of pinking shears, but that's neither here nor there.) I certainly can't fix her, and she's not my problem, anyway. (Though I CAN make sure people know about what she does to the marriages she touches; she starts her shit on somebody else, and they WILL be warned.)
QuoteAs LMNO said, the best revenge is being happy.
Of course seeing them out and you looking like a million bucks when she needs to touch up her roots and lose 100 pounds, get on proactive for reals, maybe see another dentist because those caps, damn... that is nothing to turn away from. Take your victories when you can. Eventually you'll just feel sorry for her and disgusted with him. It just seems to take forever....
Nope, not likely to EVER feel sorry for her. She's a nasty little ball of malice who deliberately destroyed my relationship, along with the one SHE was in the whole time, as well. And I hit disgusted with him awhile back.
Mostly I suppose I'm mourning the man I THOUGHT he was. That man's dead and gone, and that hurts.
Blaming yourself only works if it's the TRUTH.
"It's my fault because I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him" is crap.
"It's my fault because I didn't see what a worthless sack of crap he was" is better.
"It's my fault because I ignored the evidence that he's a cheating scumfuck" is also better.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 03:46:05 PM
Blaming yourself only works if it's the TRUTH.
"It's my fault because I didn't sacrifice enough of myself for him" is crap.
"It's my fault because I didn't see what a worthless sack of crap he was" is better.
"It's my fault because I ignored the evidence that he's a cheating scumfuck" is also better.
And, "It's my fault because I actually tried to work things out for almost an entire year while he was lying to me about them being "just friends" and who knows what else" works, too.
I've got a habit of seeing the best in people, and ignoring the parts that are gonna bite me in the ass. I suppose that's something I should work on.
Whether you're blaming yourself or someone else it's just dwelling in the past. Let it go, move on. Everyone loses the blame game
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on February 09, 2011, 03:55:35 PM
Whether you're blaming yourself or someone else it's just dwelling in the past. Let it go, move on. Everyone loses the blame game
Yeah, I know... But it's hard to let go of. If I can figure out whose fault it was, or, even better, how it was MY fault, I can make sure it never happens again, see? Yeah, I know. It's bullshit. Bad things happen, and there's no changing it... But it's living in my head, and I'm not sure how to chase it out.
I've got a future to get on with, and that's what I should be focused on... I'm just not quite sure what to do with it, just yet.
To follow my current short-term guru's advice, don't look at the mistakes you made, look at how you came to make those mistakes.
That is, don't get hung up because the cake turned out to be salty, figure out that you didn't know the difference between sugar and salt, and change that.
If the process doesn't change, then neither will the results. So focus on the process instead of the results.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 04:08:53 PM
To follow my current short-term guru's advice, don't look at the mistakes you made, look at how you came to make those mistakes.
That is, don't get hung up because the cake turned out to be salty, figure out that you didn't know the difference between sugar and salt, and change that.
If the process doesn't change, then neither will the results. So focus on the process instead of the results.
Well, I suppose that's easy, then. I have shit taste in men.
To be honest with myself, I know SHE wasn't really the problem, she's just the reason we couldn't work out the problems. I'm not so hot with communication, the more something matters to me, the harder it is to say. I grew up with a fairly bad stutter, which gets worse when I'm under stress. I've mostly got a handle on it, most people never even notice. If I'm upset, and something is hitting me hard, I lock up and can't get anything out. And HE just got impatient with me when that happened.
Hell, that's not even what the problem was.
When it comes down to it, it came down to that I wasn't what he wanted. I can boil through all the crap he's handed me in the past year, and that's what I get. All the, "I did all this because I thought you wanted," all the, "I always thought we could," all the other crap. He saw what he wanted to see in me, and never bothered to see if that's what I really was... And I never noticed.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 04:33:39 PM
Well, I suppose that's easy, then. I have shit taste in men.
Women are funny, that way.
Well, not all women, I am sure. But loads of them. I remember this one girl I was good friends with, back in the 80s. I had the hots for her, but she had a thing about the "wild-eyed Southern boys", and kept flinging herself into the arms of one abusive shitbag after another. I imagine she thought she could change them, or maybe she thought she deserved them.
After a couple of years of watching this, I wondered what I ever saw in her.
Years later, I ran into her. She had spent all that time blaming me because I didn't stop her or say anything. Of course I
had said something, loudly and repeatedly.
She wound up, it seems, marrying some yahoo from North Carolina shortly after we had gone our separate ways, who later got religion and tried to make her a "promise-keeper"'s wife. I never did hear how it all ended up.
I have never, at least, tolerated any kind of physical abuse. (One bastard had the balls to kick the chair I was sitting in. Once. He apparently forgot I had a rattan sword within reach, and was immediately informed that if he wanted to play that game, I'd let him hit me, ONCE, so I had a bruise to show the cops, and then would proceed to beat him until he couldn't testify to what happened.)
The emotional and verbal abuse I have, in the past, tolerated, however... I gotta work on that one before I try getting involved with anyone else. Gotta find somebody I can tell to go piss up a rope when it's needed.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:07:16 PM
I have never, at least, tolerated any kind of physical abuse.
Oh, this was never physical abuse. At least not that I saw. She had an urge to be a doormat, and they obliged.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:07:16 PM
The emotional and verbal abuse I have, in the past, tolerated, however... I gotta work on that one before I try getting involved with anyone else. Gotta find somebody I can tell to go piss up a rope when it's needed.
A better approach is to get to know the person first. The interesting thing about many (most?) women is, they can't do both. They either date the guy right away, or they become friends and get locked into that mindset.
If you aren't friends with someone, why the hell would you ever get serious with them?
This follows Roger's 2nd Rule of Relationships: "Don't sleep with people that hate you". This can be extended to "Don't sleep with people you can't have a civil/interesting conversation with."
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:15:02 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:07:16 PM
I have never, at least, tolerated any kind of physical abuse.
Oh, this was never physical abuse. At least not that I saw. She had an urge to be a doormat, and they obliged.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:07:16 PM
The emotional and verbal abuse I have, in the past, tolerated, however... I gotta work on that one before I try getting involved with anyone else. Gotta find somebody I can tell to go piss up a rope when it's needed.
A better approach is to get to know the person first. The interesting thing about many (most?) women is, they can't do both. They either date the guy right away, or they become friends and get locked into that mindset.
If you aren't friends with someone, why the hell would you ever get serious with them?
This follows Roger's 2nd Rule of Relationships: "Don't sleep with people that hate you". This can be extended to "Don't sleep with people you can't have a civil/interesting conversation with."
Damn straight. This time I am married to my best friend.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:15:02 PM
Oh, this was never physical abuse. At least not that I saw. She had an urge to be a doormat, and they obliged.
Yeah... Not so much an urge to be a doormat, just a case of being willing to take garbage rather than confront it. Got better on that one in the past year.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:15:02 PMA better approach is to get to know the person first. The interesting thing about many (most?) women is, they can't do both. They either date the guy right away, or they become friends and get locked into that mindset.
If you aren't friends with someone, why the hell would you ever get serious with them?
This follows Roger's 2nd Rule of Relationships: "Don't sleep with people that hate you". This can be extended to "Don't sleep with people you can't have a civil/interesting conversation with."
Yeah, that. My first instinct was to object that we'd known each other for years before we started dating... but we didn't, not really. Obviously.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:20:59 PM
Yeah... Not so much an urge to be a doormat, just a case of being willing to take garbage rather than confront it.
I see no functional difference. Glad you got past it.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:20:59 PM
Yeah, that. My first instinct was to object that we'd known each other for years before we started dating... but we didn't, not really. Obviously.
You saw what you wanted to see. Common human behavior.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:25:51 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:20:59 PM
Yeah... Not so much an urge to be a doormat, just a case of being willing to take garbage rather than confront it.
I see no functional difference. Glad you got past it.
Yeah, well, he found something I wasn't willing to tolerate. And it took me awhile to get a good grip on telling him he was out of his fucking mind if he thought it was going to happen and I was going to stay around and watch.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:25:51 PMQuote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:20:59 PM
Yeah, that. My first instinct was to object that we'd known each other for years before we started dating... but we didn't, not really. Obviously.
You saw what you wanted to see. Common human behavior.
Also made the mistake of assuming that the loyalty I so admired when he showed it to his ailing father would hold true as loyalty for ME, as well. My bad, that one.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:02:35 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 04:33:39 PM
Well, I suppose that's easy, then. I have shit taste in men.
Women are funny, that way.
I'd be more willing to say it's a peculiar habit of humans in general. Plenty of men have horrible girlfriends and wives.
And boyfriends. Homosexuals aren't immune, either.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 05:33:53 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:02:35 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 04:33:39 PM
Well, I suppose that's easy, then. I have shit taste in men.
Women are funny, that way.
I'd be more willing to say it's a peculiar habit of humans in general. Plenty of men have horrible girlfriends and wives.
Point. But it's easier to point at the other gender and generalize. :lulz:
True. If I had a dollar for every time I've looked at one of my friends and asked, "what the HELL are you thinking," I'd be buying that house I've been drooling over.
(Mind you, I believe my exact words upon seeing the little tramp my husband is now banging was, "Are you out of your fucking MIND?")
One of my favorites, unfortunately at my expense:
"...You put your dick in that?"
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:41:19 PM
True. If I had a dollar for every time I've looked at one of my friends and asked, "what the HELL are you thinking," I'd be buying that house I've been drooling over.
(Mind you, I believe my exact words upon seeing the little tramp my husband is now banging was, "Are you out of your fucking MIND?")
Three things:
1. Have fun with yourself, ie, get in the shape you want to be in, emotionally and physically.
2. Have fun with your friends.
3. Relish the thought of HIS thoughts when the new wears off and the old shines through.
:)
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 05:43:26 PM
One of my favorites, unfortunately at my expense:
"...You put your dick in that?"
I believe the phrase I used at one point in this mess was, "If you put your dick in that, I do NOT want it back."
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:44:11 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:41:19 PM
True. If I had a dollar for every time I've looked at one of my friends and asked, "what the HELL are you thinking," I'd be buying that house I've been drooling over.
(Mind you, I believe my exact words upon seeing the little tramp my husband is now banging was, "Are you out of your fucking MIND?")
Three things:
1. Have fun with yourself, ie, get in the shape you want to be in, emotionally and physically.
2. Have fun with your friends.
3. Relish the thought of HIS thoughts when the new wears off and the old shines through.
:)
That is the plan.
Got weight to ditch, both physical and emotional. Got friends, some awesome new ones and some great old ones I need to reconnect with. And when he winds up alone and comes crawling back, I'll be too busy to even laugh. Much.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:49:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 09, 2011, 05:44:11 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 05:41:19 PM
True. If I had a dollar for every time I've looked at one of my friends and asked, "what the HELL are you thinking," I'd be buying that house I've been drooling over.
(Mind you, I believe my exact words upon seeing the little tramp my husband is now banging was, "Are you out of your fucking MIND?")
Three things:
1. Have fun with yourself, ie, get in the shape you want to be in, emotionally and physically.
2. Have fun with your friends.
3. Relish the thought of HIS thoughts when the new wears off and the old shines through.
:)
That is the plan.
Got weight to ditch, both physical and emotional. Got friends, some awesome new ones and some great old ones I need to reconnect with. And when he winds up alone and comes crawling back, I'll be too busy to even laugh. Much.
"I know you from somewhere, don't I?"
It's funniest when ex's try and hook up for one night stands or "friends with benefits". LOL
Can't remember where I heard it.
Going back to a bad relationship is like going back to the fridge to see if the milk's still bad today.
It's poured down the sink... I'm just dealing with the lingering smell.
Something that helped me a lot - enjoy being single. Lot of people (myself included once upon a time) seem to be desperate to settle down with someone, cos that's what biology wants us to do or some bullshit. Problem is, if you're in that mindset, you tend to make allowances, overlook little things that, lets face it, after a decade or so are going to be pretty fucking big things. A relationship is about compromise, granted but the greedier you are and the less things you're willing to compromise on, the happier you're going to be in the long run and, trust me, monogamy is one long fucking run. Fuckheads rush in.
Yes... It's just been a longass time since I've been single. Working on that bit.
I think I'm just a terrible human being, but the way I see it is this is a "John Tucker Must Die" issue. She ruined your relationship, she ruined Kev's. She ruined Giddeon's, she tried to come between Herb and I and may have partially succeeded.
You give him 30 days to file. If he does not, YOU do it, file for adultery, forward the fucking papers to their place of employment and shit can them both. The ball is in your court at that time and he will not be eligible to receive alimony because the state of RI makes adultery contested, and you can basically suck him dry. That was the threat I had to make and it worked, within 6 hours I had papers in my hand last February.
The important thing is you moving on, and doing so with such gusto you can rip his life to shreds in the process. Me? I'm still not done with the asshole. He doesn't want to play nice for my belongings, I said, "Don't make me bring an army." and what was his foolish response? "Bring your army."
...So Enzo will be joining me, and I'm also going to ask Llew as well. One guy to hold me back, one to grab my shit. Richter will be out of the house and so will Nurse East. They are not to get involved. However, if he keeps playing this, "Tuesdays I'm off but it's my date day" I'm going to tell him to make sure his little blonde fuck pillow is there too, so she can see really how terrible I am in person. And if she opens her mouth, I'll be sure that she's in tears before I leave. Both of them, and I won't even have to lift a finger. (chances are by that point one of the guys will have me in an arm bar anyway.)
My problem is that I'm too angry and too spontaneous to go in without someone to stop me from ending up in jail. Hopefully it won't end up that way for you.
Quote from: Luna on February 08, 2011, 10:23:18 PM
It hasn't been easy. It still isn't. Finding out you've wasted years on your life, thinking you had it set, that you'd done it right.
Your years have only been wasted if you didn't learn anything from them. If that's the case, you should consider taking a hard look at yourself because you're the only thing you can control.
You know, it's really weird seeing you give good honest advice, as opposed to capslock insanity.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 06:23:43 PM
You know, it's really weird seeing you give good honest advice, as opposed to capslock insanity.
My whole world is a lie. :sad:
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on February 09, 2011, 06:23:43 PM
You know, it's really weird seeing you give good honest advice, as opposed to capslock insanity.
I've seen him do it before and I'm pretty sure it's mainly for the shock factor
I don't have the kind of rage you do, Suu. Good on some points, bad on others, I suppose. But if women were all the same, men would have it too easy.
He is not, at this point, giving shit over much personal stuff that he doesn't have SOME claim on. (Read, anything I owned prior to the marriage.) When things DO get nasty, it'll be because he threw the first punch. You were there for the DVD split, if we can handle things that civilly, I'd rather not get into the "bring your army" thing.
He's VERY aware of what our mutual friends are going to think of what he's done... And so am I. Ranting and raving won't make my point any better, or make them think any less of him. There's no point in doing it.
(And, holy crap, 4 responses while I was typing this.)
Quote from: SHIBBOLEET THE ANNIHILATOR on February 09, 2011, 06:21:52 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 08, 2011, 10:23:18 PM
It hasn't been easy. It still isn't. Finding out you've wasted years on your life, thinking you had it set, that you'd done it right.
Your years have only been wasted if you didn't learn anything from them. If that's the case, you should consider taking a hard look at yourself because you're the only thing you can control.
Yeah, I'm working on that. It's a process, I figure if I just snapped my fingers and said, "Yep, got it," I'd be full o' more shit than my shitbag husband.
Yeah, you weren't there for our DVD splitting, which was me boxing up almost everything and running out of the house, and him eventually catching up to me at the Z's raiding my closet and taking them all back with General Stuart holding me back. :kingmeh:
-Suu
Fine upstanding young lady.
You might see the advantage in me keeping things reasonably civil until I get the rest of my stuff, anyway. He's still got most of my RPG's, which I DO want back.
Once the stuff is split, and the legal crap is done... Well, by that point, if my brain is right, I won't give a shit what he's doing with whom.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 07:03:00 PM
You might see the advantage in me keeping things reasonably civil until I get the rest of my stuff, anyway. He's still got most of my RPG's, which I DO want back.
Once the stuff is split, and the legal crap is done... Well, by that point, if my brain is right, I won't give a shit what he's doing with whom.
Oh, I'll be fine as long as I have my books, my drafting table, and my mother fucking stainless cookware. I could care less about anything else, but my mom is pushing for legal action against him if he refuses to give up other things that were wedding presents from the Suu Family and rightfully mine...basically anything that has any value. I don't want to take it that far, because it's highly unnecessary, but I get my angry from my mom, and my angry is only a fraction of the wrath that only a 48 year old 100lb soaking wet Irish woman can deliver. She's also suggested sending my brother up to take care of it, which I do NOT want, because then Enzo will have 2 people to hold back, and my brother is bigger than Herbert.
Fact is, I just want my stuff now. He was chill before and let me store stuff in the basement while I didn't have the space for it, and is well aware of the fact I'm taking goods from the kitchen, there is no reason for this behavior now. None.
Lemme be sure I understand.
His only bitch is that his only night home is Tuesday, and that's date night. Not that you're taking the stuff. Yes?
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 07:25:07 PM
Lemme be sure I understand.
His only bitch is that his only night home is Tuesday, and that's date night. Not that you're taking the stuff. Yes?
He has more time home, he's just trying to prove to me that he goes on dates. I could give two shits, I want my fucking Cuisinart. I'm being cool with making sure he's home while I do it so he knows what I'm taking, but if I get the green light to show up with boxes and have Richter let me in, I don't want to hear him complain.
On the other side of the spectrum, the only reason I personally want backup is so I don't lose my shit if he get's pissy. Not to beat his ass or anything, just to make sure *I* don't do it.
Quote from: Suu on February 09, 2011, 07:40:05 PM
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 07:25:07 PM
Lemme be sure I understand.
His only bitch is that his only night home is Tuesday, and that's date night. Not that you're taking the stuff. Yes?
He has more time home, he's just trying to prove to me that he goes on dates. I could give two shits, I want my fucking Cuisinart. I'm being cool with making sure he's home while I do it so he knows what I'm taking, but if I get the green light to show up with boxes and have Richter let me in, I don't want to hear him complain.
On the other side of the spectrum, the only reason I personally want backup is so I don't lose my shit if he get's pissy. Not to beat his ass or anything, just to make sure *I* don't do it.
Yeah, you don't want to drag the roomies into that crap. And I didn't figure you wanted the guys for violence,
I'll be pissy if you get my buddies arrested.
Toss it in his lap. Ask him how HE wants to get your stuff to you if he can't be bothered to supervise you packing it up.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 07:52:43 PM
Toss it in his lap. Ask him how HE wants to get your stuff to you if he can't be bothered to supervise you packing it up.
No.
The last time it was his responsibility to do something it took me a fucking year to get divorced in which I had to THREATEN him to do it, and then he fucked it up anyway. I'm not waiting another year for my shit. Either he lets me come and get everything with Richter there, or he deals with me plus 2 impartial guys who have collectively beat the piss out of him before in armor, and you KNOW they'll walk in all happy-go-lucky like, "What's goin on?!" Smiling and such, to make it even MORE awkward for him.
Seriously, I have a list. It's essential a tub of books and my drafting table from the basement, the Wolfgang Puck cookware, a Cuisinart Blender, and the silverware my aunt gave me. They can keep the rest. The other stuff left in the basement is a tub of artwork I have that's old but I should probably do something with (like put in my storage unit) old costume supplies I'm going to go through and the rest is my sister's shit which she seems to not really care about considering she lives 1300 miles away. I've given Richter and Herb the greenlight for a bonfire.
Yeah, they're both good like that. I just don't want to have to bail anybody out.
I dunno... Tell him to pack it by next Friday and stack it for you, and you'll call later to bitch about what he missed, maybe?
No. He won't pack it anyway and will have some sort of excuse as to why. He has to trust me, or be home.
Quote from: Suu on February 09, 2011, 08:39:43 PM
No. He won't pack it anyway and will have some sort of excuse as to why. He has to trust me, or be home.
Yep, those are his three options. Pack it himself, trust you, or be there. (And, face it, trust you isn't really an option, as that will involve bitchiness and roommates.)
See, THIS is the shit I'm hoping to avoid by keeping things civil, at least until I have my stuff and the paperwork cleared.
Quote from: Luna on February 09, 2011, 08:42:59 PM
Quote from: Suu on February 09, 2011, 08:39:43 PM
No. He won't pack it anyway and will have some sort of excuse as to why. He has to trust me, or be home.
Yep, those are his three options. Pack it himself, trust you, or be there. (And, face it, trust you isn't really an option, as that will involve bitchiness and roommates.)
See, THIS is the shit I'm hoping to avoid by keeping things civil, at least until I have my stuff and the paperwork cleared.
Richter and Nurse East won't bother me. They know what I'm doing. There is no reason for this bullshit from him. None. He's trying to pull weight or impress me that he has a girlfriend (I'll be even more impressed when he finally comes out) and it's not working. Though my sister did just text and tell me she still has her keys...Unfortunately that downstairs door is new.
Quote from: Suu on February 09, 2011, 08:48:01 PM
Richter and Nurse East won't bother me. They know what I'm doing. There is no reason for this bullshit from him. None. He's trying to pull weight or impress me that he has a girlfriend (I'll be even more impressed when he finally comes out) and it's not working. Though my sister did just text and tell me she still has her keys...Unfortunately that downstairs door is new.
Nah, breaking in (with or without keys) wouldn't be cool.
What's to lose with trying reasonable? "Hugh, look, I just want my stuff. If you don't want it to interfere with your date night, just have (list) packed. I'll bring some people, we can have it out in fifteen minutes, and everybody's happy."
If I seriously wanted to break in, I could have done it already.
Quote from: Suu on February 09, 2011, 08:58:54 PM
If I seriously wanted to break in, I could have done it already.
Sure, no doubt, there.
Like I said... Give being reasonable a shot. Who knows, it might throw him enough to work... or at least give you the, "well I TRIED to be reasonable" argument.
Luna, I'm so so sorry you got seriously dicked over by the one person we pick in our lives to be the guy who never does that. So tricky picking someone who actually follows through with that.
I hope it continues to be civil for you. I've watched as my brother has slowly eaten his soul with his impending divorce. His wife still lives with him, and she asked for a divorce in August. They're trying to live amicably together until the lease runs out, and it's...well, it's a dance of the dead that we're all witnessing. I hate it. And I don't live with them.
Suu, hang in there, Babe. I feel that anger and seem to know a variant of it well. I hope in the end you get everything you need and want to feel whole again. To feel YOU again.
Both of you. Stay strong. Lessons--well, lessons are lessons, it's really the application of said lessons that in the end really matters. Everything else is just bullshit. And no parting of ways after years of loyalty and commitment to someone's goodness AND badness is a simple matter. Even if we really want it to be.
I hug both of you. (sorry, I'm mushy like that)
He actually asked me to stay in the house after we split, to save me paying rent. (Yeah, right, because he wanted me to keep paying the bills.) If he seriously thought I could share a house with him while he was sleeping with that tramp (regardless of whether he brought her to the house, EVER, or not), he is out of his mind.