http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Num.%2015:32-36;&version=KJV
Quote
32 And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.
33 And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.
34 And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.
35 And the Lord said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.
36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the Lord commanded Moses.
WHAT A DICK!
OH WOW WOW WOW
I clicked on the speaker icon and now this amazing deep voice is saying the most incredibly insane things from my computer speakers.
1 Chronicles 13
Quote
13:9 And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled.
13:10 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God..
INDEED!
Didn't God grease some guy who stubbed his toe while carrying the ark?
"I'm sorry, it was an acci-"
"STFU!" *ZAP*
Bible... ugh. I try not to read things filled with violence and smut... gotta keep them separate.
QuoteSamaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
Hosea 13:16
THIS IS FUN
Quote from: Ezekiel 4:12-15For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.
God: Willing to compromise.
This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.
God's a fucking dick.
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 30, 2013, 04:44:14 AM
This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.
God's a fucking dick.
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 04:35:40 AM
Quote from: Ezekiel 4:12-15For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.
God: Willing to compromise.
Ezekiel: inspects before blow jobs.
Deuteronomy 23
Quote23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
God is such a dick you need a good dick to talk about him.
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 04:46:05 AM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 30, 2013, 04:44:14 AM
This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.
God's a fucking dick.
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 04:35:40 AM
Quote from: Ezekiel 4:12-15For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.
God: Willing to compromise.
Ezekiel: inspects before blow jobs.
:spittake:
God kills off all the local guys except Lot and instigates BIBLE THUMPIN DRUNKEN INBREEDING:
Quote29 And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.
30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.
31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.
37 And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.
38 And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Kings+2%3A23-24&version=NIV;KJV
Quote23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy!" they said. "Get out of here, baldy!"
24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.
My single favourite "Bible WTF" moment of all time: God sends two bears to kill 42 children, for jeering at Elisha and calling him "baldy".
Newsflash: God is a complete dick. Whole bible. Start to finish. And that's just based on what he does, directly, according to the drug/mania induced rants of primitive intellects holy and most sacred scriptures. Apply logic to the concept of omnipotence/omniscience and pretty much all the bad shit, past and future, that the bible doesn't say god did? Yup he's totally to blame for all that shit too.
The holocaust? - totally 100% Gods fault.
Hiroshima/Nagasaki? - god!
Aids? - god
My overdraft - Yup, wanker is behind that too.
So, yeah, fuck god. He gave me bipolar, he's a cunt. And I'm glad his kid died. There, I've said it.
3 Psalms
Quote3 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
2 Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.
6 I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.
7 Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
8 Salvation belongeth unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.
To be fair, I've played Sim City, I've played Populous, I've played Mega Lo Mania, I've played Dungeon Keeper I've played the Sims. If I was in God's position I'd be just as bad.
God and the Devil - two wankers arguing over who's turn it is to get the controller
Have we forgotten Ezekiel 23:20?
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
Now that's my kind of party!
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on January 30, 2013, 02:13:56 PM
Have we forgotten Ezekiel 23:20?
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
Now that's my kind of party!
Ezekiel's a pretty fun book!
Lesson learned; no wonder all those Abramaic religions do such massively fucked-up shit. Their religions are all based on a God who is a giant, arbitrary asshole.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on January 30, 2013, 04:26:02 PM
Lesson learned; no wonder all those Abramaic religions do such massively fucked-up shit. Their religions are all based on a God who is a giant, arbitrary asshole.
The deity in question even admits to being psychologically imbalanced.
He is one God but talks to himself, and refers to himself in the plural. He then goes on to say that it's wrong to worship other gods because it makes him jealous.
If I were the only god in existence, I wouldn't care if people worshiped non-entities. I might even dress up as them for Halloween and abuse the omnipotential for lulz.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on January 30, 2013, 04:26:02 PM
Lesson learned; no wonder all those Abramaic religions do such massively fucked-up shit. Their religions are all based on a God who is a giant, arbitrary asshole.
They were a race of slaves with a prehistoric intellect and no concept of science. Go figure
Whenever i get into it with my mother about religion she indicates that i'm "not a seeker" and that i've given up looking for the truth because i have rejected the faith i was given. This, of course, means only that i haven't studied the christian bible enough, and supporting literature. When i freely admit that it is true that i haven't studied the bible much since leaving the faith, it gives her the reassurance that she need not listen to the second half of my response where i say that i feel no need to do so, since rejecting the fundamentals of the belief structure precludes the need to further wade through the finer points.
but perhaps it would be fun to go through the bible and study it a little more, anyways, since it is so dominant in our society and history.
Then when she gives me a dubious look that at the claim to having studied it in depth, i can hand her the copy of the bible they bought me as a child annotated in the margins with a bunch of "WTF?!" and some "Check this shit out!".
Quote from: Mome Papess Trivial on January 30, 2013, 02:23:56 AM
1 Chronicles 13
Quote
13:9 And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled.
13:10 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God..
INDEED!
That's what you get for mishandling a a charged ancient supercapacitor without the required Holy PPE.
Quote from: Cain on January 30, 2013, 10:02:27 AM
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Kings+2%3A23-24&version=NIV;KJV
Quote23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy!" they said. "Get out of here, baldy!"
24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.
My single favourite "Bible WTF" moment of all time: God sends two bears to kill 42 children, for jeering at Elisha and calling him "baldy".
GOD SUPPORTS 40
th TRIMESTER ABORTIONS!
Quote from: Waffles, Viking Princess of Northern Belgium on January 30, 2013, 12:30:49 PM
3 Psalms Quote3 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
2 Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.
6 I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.
7 Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
8 Salvation belongeth unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.
God: Keeps his pimp hand strong.
:lol: speaking of pimps in the bible abraham sent his wife to a couple of strange bedrooms. Figured if he told kings that lusted after his elderly barren wife that she was his sister they wouldnt kill him. Ancient kings liked granny porn apparently
Certain folks in my town love to point out that Mohammed married a 9 year old when he was, like 50. Aren't there some biblical figures that married teenage girls when they were in their hundreds?
Cant think of any off the top of my head but mary was probably twelve
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on January 30, 2013, 06:58:22 PM
Whenever i get into it with my mother about religion she indicates that i'm "not a seeker" and that i've given up looking for the truth because i have rejected the faith i was given. This, of course, means only that i haven't studied the christian bible enough, and supporting literature. When i freely admit that it is true that i haven't studied the bible much since leaving the faith, it gives her the reassurance that she need not listen to the second half of my response where i say that i feel no need to do so, since rejecting the fundamentals of the belief structure precludes the need to further wade through the finer points.
but perhaps it would be fun to go through the bible and study it a little more, anyways, since it is so dominant in our society and history.
Then when she gives me a dubious look that at the claim to having studied it in depth, i can hand her the copy of the bible they bought me as a child annotated in the margins with a bunch of "WTF?!" and some "Check this shit out!".
She'll just explain to you that it's allegory. That's what they do with all the inconvenient parts.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 30, 2013, 10:03:55 AM
Newsflash: God is a complete dick. Whole bible. Start to finish. And that's just based on what he does, directly, according to the drug/mania induced rants of primitive intellects holy and most sacred scriptures. Apply logic to the concept of omnipotence/omniscience and pretty much all the bad shit, past and future, that the bible doesn't say god did? Yup he's totally to blame for all that shit too.
The holocaust? - totally 100% Gods fault.
Hiroshima/Nagasaki? - god!
Aids? - god
My overdraft - Yup, wanker is behind that too.
So, yeah, fuck god. He gave me bipolar, he's a cunt. And I'm glad his kid died. There, I've said it.
:lulz:
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 08:25:43 PM
:lol: speaking of pimps in the bible abraham sent his wife to a couple of strange bedrooms. Figured if he told kings that lusted after his elderly barren wife that she was his sister they wouldnt kill him. Ancient kings liked granny porn apparently
WAT.
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 31, 2013, 01:48:24 AM
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 08:25:43 PM
:lol: speaking of pimps in the bible abraham sent his wife to a couple of strange bedrooms. Figured if he told kings that lusted after his elderly barren wife that she was his sister they wouldnt kill him. Ancient kings liked granny porn apparently
WAT.
Yup. They describe sarah as being 90 and barren and a little while later shes marrying pharaoh. Then hes like abraham how could you do this to me? Heres your wife back. And abraham does it again with some dude named abimelech. I suppose after so many decades you need a little kink to spice things up.
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 31, 2013, 02:15:52 AM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 31, 2013, 01:48:24 AM
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 08:25:43 PM
:lol: speaking of pimps in the bible abraham sent his wife to a couple of strange bedrooms. Figured if he told kings that lusted after his elderly barren wife that she was his sister they wouldnt kill him. Ancient kings liked granny porn apparently
WAT.
Yup. They describe sarah as being 90 and barren and a little while later shes marrying pharaoh. Then hes like abraham how could you do this to me? Heres your wife back. And abraham does it again with some dude named abimelech. I suppose after so many decades you need a little kink to spice things up.
Okay, let me ask that again.
WAAAT.
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 31, 2013, 02:16:55 AM
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 31, 2013, 02:15:52 AM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on January 31, 2013, 01:48:24 AM
Quote from: Queef Erisson on January 30, 2013, 08:25:43 PM
:lol: speaking of pimps in the bible abraham sent his wife to a couple of strange bedrooms. Figured if he told kings that lusted after his elderly barren wife that she was his sister they wouldnt kill him. Ancient kings liked granny porn apparently
WAT.
Yup. They describe sarah as being 90 and barren and a little while later shes marrying pharaoh. Then hes like abraham how could you do this to me? Heres your wife back. And abraham does it again with some dude named abimelech. I suppose after so many decades you need a little kink to spice things up.
Okay, let me ask that again.
WAAAT.
Yeah it doesnt make a shitload of sense to of either. Lol
You just need to get into the headspace. Try to imagine you live in a world which is flat, the sky is a couple of hundred feet in the air with little candles hanging from it to represent stars, the sun is driven across the sky by an invisible guy in a chariot and, because your intellect is so primitive, compared to the modern mind, hallucinations, visions and complete psychotic breaks are the rule rather than the exception, to the point where they're not even thought of as such, they're just god fucking with you and you can start to see where the bible is coming from.
It's all perfectly understandable in context. What fucks me up is how the hell supposedly "modern" people can buy it and way too many to be attributable to the odd throwback, too. :eek:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 31, 2013, 02:17:41 PM
You just need to get into the headspace. Try to imagine you live in a world which is flat, the sky is a couple of hundred feet in the air with little candles hanging from it to represent stars, the sun is driven across the sky by an invisible guy in a chariot and, because your intellect is so primitive, compared to the modern mind, hallucinations, visions and complete psychotic breaks are the rule rather than the exception, to the point where they're not even thought of as such, they're just god fucking with you and you can start to see where the bible is coming from.
It's all perfectly understandable in context. What fucks me up is how the hell supposedly "modern" people can buy it and way too many to be attributable to the odd throwback, too. :eek:
People's brains weren't any different back then; they had the same basic intellectual capacity we do now.
We're not smarter, we're just better fed.
I don't mean physiologically different, I'm talking about the actual intellect and worldview that was running on that hardware but, yeah, diet and childhood abuse we can barely imagine prolly figure quite highly in there too.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on January 31, 2013, 09:56:13 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 31, 2013, 02:17:41 PM
You just need to get into the headspace. Try to imagine you live in a world which is flat, the sky is a couple of hundred feet in the air with little candles hanging from it to represent stars, the sun is driven across the sky by an invisible guy in a chariot and, because your intellect is so primitive, compared to the modern mind, hallucinations, visions and complete psychotic breaks are the rule rather than the exception, to the point where they're not even thought of as such, they're just god fucking with you and you can start to see where the bible is coming from.
It's all perfectly understandable in context. What fucks me up is how the hell supposedly "modern" people can buy it and way too many to be attributable to the odd throwback, too. :eek:
People's brains weren't any different back then; they had the same basic intellectual capacity we do now.
We're not smarter, we're just better fed.
While not supporting P3nt's claim that they were dumber back then, doesn't poor nutrition, to include eating spoiled food, increase the likelihood that you will operating in an impaired or altered mental state which could include hallucinations and delusional behavior being conflated with reality?
I don't believe I could hallucinate God commanding bears to kill 40+ children for calling a man "baldy", regardless of nutrition.
Quote from: Cain on January 31, 2013, 10:16:56 PM
I don't believe I could hallucinate God commanding bears to kill 40+ children for calling a man "baldy", regardless of nutrition.
Spare the bear, spoil the children.
Quote from: Cain on January 31, 2013, 10:16:56 PM
I don't believe I could hallucinate God commanding bears to kill 40+ children for calling a man "baldy", regardless of nutrition.
You've never tried the right hallucinogenics and/or level of manic psychosis
ITT: Proof the Old Testament is fucking awesome.
I advised Richter to do random justice to Proverbs while sitting in a church for an SCA event once. That was good times. So good, I have the Book of Proverbs as an app on my phone. For enlightenment, chuckles, and OMGWTFs.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 31, 2013, 10:21:07 PM
Quote from: Cain on January 31, 2013, 10:16:56 PM
I don't believe I could hallucinate God commanding bears to kill 40+ children for calling a man "baldy", regardless of nutrition.
Spare the bear, spoil the children.
:spittake:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 31, 2013, 10:09:12 PM
I don't mean physiologically different, I'm talking about the actual intellect and worldview that was running on that hardware but, yeah, diet and childhood abuse we can barely imagine prolly figure quite highly in there too.
Good point
Given that they periodically roasted their own children to "please God", I think we can assume there was a lot of all of the above going on.
They didn't have our accumulated knowledge. For all they knew, roasting kids WAS the only way to keep the crops coming in...And in a desert society, life is kinda cheap. The occasional kid vs the tribe, not much of a question, there.
I'd just like to point out, people nowadays believe in angels, the healing power of crystals, auras and lucky numbers. People with free access to basic scientific literature, at least a decade of mandatory education under their belt and unfettered access to the internet.
The main reason this still isn't the organising principle of our modern societies (for the most part) is that military scientific labs > goatherders with sticks. Until those wacky kids at DARPA figure out how to weaponise remote viewing, at least.
Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2013, 02:08:50 PM
I'd just like to point out, people nowadays believe in angels, the healing power of crystals, auras and lucky numbers. People with free access to basic scientific literature, at least a decade of mandatory education under their belt and unfettered access to the internet.
The main reason this still isn't the organising principle of our modern societies (for the most part) is that military scientific labs > goatherders with sticks. Until those wacky kids at DARPA figure out how to weaponise remote viewing, at least.
Need some kind of exploding goat gif. :horrormirth:
(http://www.benettonplay.com/toys/flipbookdeluxe/flipbooks_gif/2009/08/28/236305.gif)
Quote from: Pæs on February 04, 2013, 05:59:04 PM
(http://www.benettonplay.com/toys/flipbookdeluxe/flipbooks_gif/2009/08/28/236305.gif)
Close enough. :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Today's verse from the Book of Proverbs app on my phone:
"There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother." 30:11
Quote from: Suu on February 05, 2013, 05:33:30 PM
Today's verse from the Book of Proverbs app on my phone:
"There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother." 30:11
Fail - needs moar DIVINE SMITE (bear borne or similar) :argh!:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on February 05, 2013, 05:35:02 PM
Quote from: Suu on February 05, 2013, 05:33:30 PM
Today's verse from the Book of Proverbs app on my phone:
"There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother." 30:11
Fail - needs moar DIVINE SMITE (bear borne or similar) :argh!:
Proverbs isn't so much about smiting, but more like the fortune cookie of the Bible.
"Divers weights are an abomination unto the LORD; and a false balance is not good." 20:23
WHAT
are you sure it's not 'diverse'? because i don't like double-standards either...
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on February 05, 2013, 09:36:37 PM
are you sure it's not 'diverse'? because i don't like double-standards either...
I suspect it would be 'diverse' as 'divers' is an archaic creative spelling of 'diverse'.
BUTI think it's better as 'divers'.
GOD HATES SHRIMP AND OVER AQUATIC THINGS WITHOUT SCALES!!!!! :argh!:
God hates fags the metric system. They're an abomination.
Also, a broken scale irks him slightly. He suggests getting a new one.
Behold! Yahweh enjoys a spot of primate territorial poop-flinging!
Malachi 2:3-4
Behold, I will rebuke your offspring, and spread dung upon your faces, the dung of your offerings, and I will put you out of my presence.[a] 4 So shall you know that I have sent this command to you, that my covenant with Levi may hold, says the Lord of hosts.
Also, his prophets resort to childish insults, insinuating their enemies eat poop and drink pee, while engaging in linguistic colonialism -
Then Eli′akim the son of Hilki′ah, and Shebnah, and Jo′ah, said to the Rab′shakeh, "Pray, speak to your servants in the Aramaic language, for we understand it; do not speak to us in the language of Judah within the hearing of the people who are on the wall." 27 But the Rab′shakeh said to them, "Has my master sent me to speak these words to your master and to you, and not to the men sitting on the wall, who are doomed with you to eat their own dung and to drink their own urine?"
28 Then the Rab′shakeh stood and called out in a loud voice in the language of Judah: "Hear the word of the great king, the king of Assyria!
Ye. Speak Engrish, or die.
(http://i.imgur.com/kq7ANev.jpg)
Quote from: Mome Papess Trivial on February 06, 2013, 02:21:48 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/kq7ANev.jpg)
Not just any sex. Ghost sex by proxy.