http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
This is fucking amazing.
Oh lord, that piece of corn.
Reading more about depression, I'm pretty sure I was mis-diagnosed through a good chunk of my 20s.
I thought it was sociopathy for a while, or "cold logic", but considering my family history, it could well have been mild depression.
Interestingly enough, it was Discordia that helped me through in those years.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 22, 2013, 05:53:00 PM
Oh lord, that piece of corn.
Reading more about depression, I'm pretty sure I was mis-diagnosed through a good chunk of my 20s.
I thought it was sociopathy for a while, or "cold logic", but considering my family history, it could well have been mild depression.
Interestingly enough, it was Discordia that helped me through in those years.
Outside of insomia, I never had that kind of depression. Mine was more teenage "EVERYTHING SUCKS", which is pretty much miles and miles better than "EVERYTHING IS NOTHING".
I was nowhere near as bad as what was described there. But that emptiness... That LACK. It struck a chord.
Only hyperbole and a half can make depression fucking hilarious. Totally spot on, too. The few times I've sailed the closest to suicide, what really surprised me was it wasn't an emotional decision. There was no emotion involved. Whatsoever. I just couldn't justify to myself hanging around for another few years of pointless void :eek:
Same here. I always felt that whatever "sound" I was making (whatever effect I was having around me - socially mostly) was much like the sound an empty vase makes when you ping it.
It was like smashing it might be more significant, and have some meaning even though I rationally knew it was a terrible meaning.
I often struggle with that hollowed out feeling still.
Love that comic. The depression one is particularly apt. Her book just came out recently, too, I believe. I need to check it out.
Oh I know I know I KNOW that one is kind of my favorite and it made me cry and cry and cry. That CORN.
I have only been really, actually depressed once in my life. I've had anxiety and anger and horrible heartbreak and despair and sorrow, but depression, only once. And it was the worst thing ever, because I didn't feel anything and I didn't care about anything. That was summer and fall of 2011. That was also the most scared I think I've ever been, but not in a normal "fear" way, but in a "what if this is the rest of my life?" way? In a "God I hope I don't live a long time, this is awful" way. I went back to therapy for a while and that didn't help with the depression, but it helped with some unresolved fear-of-abandonment issues. And I decided to completely turn my life on its head and do something new, because the old things that used to make me happy weren't working anymore.
I'm not back to 100%, to tell the truth. But I've never been so happy to be happy to be alive.
I totally know that hollow inside feeling. It's an unpleasant sensation. It's strange because like LMNO there was a while in my 20s where I was convinced I was a sociopath, but I started to slowly realize that half the time I have a surplus of emotions, and the other half is hollow. Sometimes simultaneously, if you can believe that.
Eventually I just came to accept that this is how I am. Not sure what I would do if only the hollowness prevailed.
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 11:45:08 PM
Not sure what I would do if only the hollowness prevailed.
Well, you could use the lack of emotion to do the things you usually are afraid to do. Depression can be used against anxiety issues. Turn a weakness into a strength. Weaponize your psychopathology.
Oh, uhm don't make yourself depressed to do this, that would be impressively stupid. The cure is often worse than the disease. Don't fight fire with fire indoors.
I can't tell if that's the best idea I've heard, or the absolute worst.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 23, 2013, 12:19:07 AM
I can't tell if that's the best idea I've heard, or the absolute worst.
I actually did that once and it helped me get out of the rut i was in. I didn't care about anything so I managed to prepare a meal for some friends. You would think this is not scary or hard, but it was for me. Especially since 3 out of the 4 friends were professional cooks and my selfesteem was even lower then.
I used my complete lack of fear or trepidation about the future to pull everything for sale off my website, fill out forms for food stamps and financial aid, and go back to college to do things I didn't know anything about, something that had always felt overwhelming and risky compared to the nice safe rut of making beads forever and ever, something I am very good at.
I was like, well, whatever, as long as I don't give a fuck I might as well do something I always wanted to to back when I still cared about things. Obviously what I'm doing right now isn't working for me so whatever, switch it up.
I would like to someday fall in love again, and at times I miss the crazy passionate intense person I used to be, but for now I'm pretty happy with just being OK and knowing I'm accomplishing things.
Oh yeah I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I'm an OCD perfectionist control freak. Depression lessened my fear of doing things wrong, and allowed me to half-ass shit for the first time in my life. It's very freeing. Fuck it, I say, if I did that wrong somebody will catch it and walk me through it. My pride doesn't have to prevent me from doing things anymore just because I don't have time to make sure they're perfect. Perfectionism is really not always the asset it sounds like it would be, particularly as a student; it can be crippling. In my experience, half-assing an extra credit project and getting it in on time is better than agonizing over it and never turning it in at all.
Also, I was pretty sure that I was going to die if I didn't stop doing what I was doing, which was drinking all the time and not actually accomplishing a fucking thing.
Quote from: :regret: on November 23, 2013, 12:17:08 AM
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 11:45:08 PM
Not sure what I would do if only the hollowness prevailed.
Well, you could use the lack of emotion to do the things you usually are afraid to do. Depression can be used against anxiety issues. Turn a weakness into a strength. Weaponize your psychopathology.
Oh, uhm don't make yourself depressed to do this, that would be impressively stupid. The cure is often worse than the disease. Don't fight fire with fire indoors.
You just blew my mind.
Man that shit is spot on. At the worst times of it, I wouldn't feel anything but boredom. And the idea of doing anything to alleviate the ennui was extremely unappealing. Problem=incredibly bored. Solution=do something fun. Problem=I.... can't bring myself to do fun things for some reason. I kinda don't want to do fun things, even though that makes perfect sense. Guess I'm just fucked, man.
And then the sleeping. I can't say that I've actually felt suicidal outside of puberty when throwing a bucket of aggressive-making testosterone on top of a baseline generally shitty mood will make you want to hurt yourself anyway, because you want to break everything anyway. But the wanting to die thing I can relate to. Suicide indicates an active role in making that happen. Instead, when I'm feeling particularly low I spend most of my time in bed, because sleeping is the least energy consuming way for me to approximate not existing and therefore not feeling the crushing boredom and self-loathing involved.
Another thought on this. I think I recently went through a mini-bout and just didn't recognize it because it felt a little different. I wasn't bored, and I didn't feel sad, I was just uninterested in everything. Including sex. Which screwed with Villager's head a bit because she thought that maybe I was falling out of love with her or didn't find her attractive anymore. That's the real shitty part is how it affects others when they're not trying to force you to be happy. I just didn't want to get it on. My libido was gone. Not her fault. So I put in the extra effort so as not to make her feel like crap either. You know what was kinda funny about that though? I started getting interested in things again.
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 12:59:57 AM
Oh yeah I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I'm an OCD perfectionist control freak. Depression lessened my fear of doing things wrong, and allowed me to half-ass shit for the first time in my life. It's very freeing. Fuck it, I say, if I did that wrong somebody will catch it and walk me through it. My pride doesn't have to prevent me from doing things anymore just because I don't have time to make sure they're perfect. Perfectionism is really not always the asset it sounds like it would be, particularly as a student; it can be crippling. In my experience, half-assing an extra credit project and getting it in on time is better than agonizing over it and never turning it in at all.
Also, I was pretty sure that I was going to die if I didn't stop doing what I was doing, which was drinking all the time and not actually accomplishing a fucking thing.
Perfectionism sucks ass. Striving for perfection is just fine but perfectionism means that perfect feels like barely adequate and anything less is a complete failure. It feels as if it is worse than not having tried at all. Some days it even feels as if trying and failing is worse than sabotaging myself. At least that way I will have succeeded at what i was trying.
Quote from: :regret: on November 23, 2013, 03:19:52 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 12:59:57 AM
Oh yeah I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I'm an OCD perfectionist control freak. Depression lessened my fear of doing things wrong, and allowed me to half-ass shit for the first time in my life. It's very freeing. Fuck it, I say, if I did that wrong somebody will catch it and walk me through it. My pride doesn't have to prevent me from doing things anymore just because I don't have time to make sure they're perfect. Perfectionism is really not always the asset it sounds like it would be, particularly as a student; it can be crippling. In my experience, half-assing an extra credit project and getting it in on time is better than agonizing over it and never turning it in at all.
Also, I was pretty sure that I was going to die if I didn't stop doing what I was doing, which was drinking all the time and not actually accomplishing a fucking thing.
Perfectionism sucks ass. Striving for perfection is just fine but perfectionism means that perfect feels like barely adequate and anything less is a complete failure. It feels as if it is worse than not having tried at all. Some days it even feels as if trying and failing is worse than sabotaging myself. At least that way I will have succeeded at what i was trying.
Oh hell yes. This is why I have taken great joy in my newfound ability to half-ass things. I can start out half-assing, and then if I have time I can rework shit until it's adequate. I feel like I have unlocked ULTIMATE POWER! Hey look at this shit, I'm just gonna sort of throw a half-hearted effort at it. Yeah now I guess I have time to work on it some more, lookit that it's pretty much good enough I guess. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK! I'll just turn it in like this, and guess what it'll get a 94%.
There is a time those six points would have eaten at me. I would have been like, shit, MORON, if you'd just noticed these OBVIOUS oversights you would have at least gotten a 96%.
But now I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. NOT GIVING A FUCK, THAT'S ME.
Guess what I DON'T GIVE A FUCK about right now? Photosynthesis, and the photosynthesis paper I have to write next week. Yep. I seriously do not fucking care about photosynthesis. So I'm just going to half-ass something until it looks pretty much OK, and then if I have some time I'll work on it until it's good enough I guess. And then I'm going to TURN THAT BITCH IN and NOT CARE.
I told my kids, I was like, listen, just half-ass it. It's OK. It's fucking public school, FFS; turn something in, it's better than nothing. This principle has turned them around from F students to A/B students, which is totally good enough because seriously, nobody fucking cares about public school.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on November 23, 2013, 03:43:44 AM
Another thought on this. I think I recently went through a mini-bout and just didn't recognize it because it felt a little different. I wasn't bored, and I didn't feel sad, I was just uninterested in everything. Including sex. Which screwed with Villager's head a bit because she thought that maybe I was falling out of love with her or didn't find her attractive anymore. That's the real shitty part is how it affects others when they're not trying to force you to be happy. I just didn't want to get it on. My libido was gone. Not her fault. So I put in the extra effort so as not to make her feel like crap either. You know what was kinda funny about that though? I started getting interested in things again.
I'm still not interested in sex. Which is a lifetime first for me. I just don't care.
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 05:47:07 PM
Quote from: :regret: on November 23, 2013, 03:19:52 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 12:59:57 AM
Oh yeah I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I'm an OCD perfectionist control freak. Depression lessened my fear of doing things wrong, and allowed me to half-ass shit for the first time in my life. It's very freeing. Fuck it, I say, if I did that wrong somebody will catch it and walk me through it. My pride doesn't have to prevent me from doing things anymore just because I don't have time to make sure they're perfect. Perfectionism is really not always the asset it sounds like it would be, particularly as a student; it can be crippling. In my experience, half-assing an extra credit project and getting it in on time is better than agonizing over it and never turning it in at all.
Also, I was pretty sure that I was going to die if I didn't stop doing what I was doing, which was drinking all the time and not actually accomplishing a fucking thing.
Perfectionism sucks ass. Striving for perfection is just fine but perfectionism means that perfect feels like barely adequate and anything less is a complete failure. It feels as if it is worse than not having tried at all. Some days it even feels as if trying and failing is worse than sabotaging myself. At least that way I will have succeeded at what i was trying.
Oh hell yes. This is why I have taken great joy in my newfound ability to half-ass things. I can start out half-assing, and then if I have time I can rework shit until it's adequate. I feel like I have unlocked ULTIMATE POWER! Hey look at this shit, I'm just gonna sort of throw a half-hearted effort at it. Yeah now I guess I have time to work on it some more, lookit that it's pretty much good enough I guess. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK! I'll just turn it in like this, and guess what it'll get a 94%.
There is a time those six points would have eaten at me. I would have been like, shit, MORON, if you'd just noticed these OBVIOUS oversights you would have at least gotten a 96%.
But now I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. NOT GIVING A FUCK, THAT'S ME.
Guess what I DON'T GIVE A FUCK about right now? Photosynthesis, and the photosynthesis paper I have to write next week. Yep. I seriously do not fucking care about photosynthesis. So I'm just going to half-ass something until it looks pretty much OK, and then if I have some time I'll work on it until it's good enough I guess. And then I'm going to TURN THAT BITCH IN and NOT CARE.
:lulz:
I used to half ass so much in my first couple years at school and still passed everything easy. Then the next round of exams fucking killed me when they turned out to be
somewhat harder and I couldn't just coast through. A fact I only learned after I sat the exams and got my results through, of course.
In terms of perfectionism, I've gone through a few phases of that - expecting perfection whenever I attempted something (and kicking myself
fucking hard for not achieving it), not attempting anything ever because I couldn't get it perfect and so it seemed like a waste of time and finally embracing a form of omni-mediocrity where (I assume) I'm distinctly slightly below average at everything.
At the moment I'm pretty much resigned to significantly more ignorant than I thought, nowhere near as eloquent as I thought, disappointing in bed and absolutely riddled with neuroses and mental blocks.
Some days I think I'm not the messiah I once was...
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 05:47:07 PM
Quote from: :regret: on November 23, 2013, 03:19:52 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 23, 2013, 12:59:57 AM
Oh yeah I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I'm an OCD perfectionist control freak. Depression lessened my fear of doing things wrong, and allowed me to half-ass shit for the first time in my life. It's very freeing. Fuck it, I say, if I did that wrong somebody will catch it and walk me through it. My pride doesn't have to prevent me from doing things anymore just because I don't have time to make sure they're perfect. Perfectionism is really not always the asset it sounds like it would be, particularly as a student; it can be crippling. In my experience, half-assing an extra credit project and getting it in on time is better than agonizing over it and never turning it in at all.
Also, I was pretty sure that I was going to die if I didn't stop doing what I was doing, which was drinking all the time and not actually accomplishing a fucking thing.
Perfectionism sucks ass. Striving for perfection is just fine but perfectionism means that perfect feels like barely adequate and anything less is a complete failure. It feels as if it is worse than not having tried at all. Some days it even feels as if trying and failing is worse than sabotaging myself. At least that way I will have succeeded at what i was trying.
Oh hell yes. This is why I have taken great joy in my newfound ability to half-ass things. I can start out half-assing, and then if I have time I can rework shit until it's adequate. I feel like I have unlocked ULTIMATE POWER! Hey look at this shit, I'm just gonna sort of throw a half-hearted effort at it. Yeah now I guess I have time to work on it some more, lookit that it's pretty much good enough I guess. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK! I'll just turn it in like this, and guess what it'll get a 94%.
There is a time those six points would have eaten at me. I would have been like, shit, MORON, if you'd just noticed these OBVIOUS oversights you would have at least gotten a 96%.
But now I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. NOT GIVING A FUCK, THAT'S ME.
Guess what I DON'T GIVE A FUCK about right now? Photosynthesis, and the photosynthesis paper I have to write next week. Yep. I seriously do not fucking care about photosynthesis. So I'm just going to half-ass something until it looks pretty much OK, and then if I have some time I'll work on it until it's good enough I guess. And then I'm going to TURN THAT BITCH IN and NOT CARE.
:lulz:
YEAH BABY
You know that's how things are done.
Personally, I'm experimenting with "fully-assing" things. Don't just fuck up, drop your pants and ROLL in your fuck up. Fucking up half-way gets you in trouble; fucking up ALL THE WAY gets you promoted.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be improved by fucking it up, as long as it is fucked up proper.
It's like when Keelin and I go out for a drive. She's got 2 wheels on the curb, we're listening to Rob Zombie, and she's all like "Don't tell me how to drive, old man", and then kills someone's mailbox...and I'm all like
THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.
And...NOTHING HAPPENS.
Now, drive 7 MPH over the limit and tell me what happens. Oh, yeah, YOU GET A TICKET. Because you HALF-ASSED IT.
Didn't Hunter S Thompson have a riff on that in Fear and Loathing? Something about driving like a maniac to show the cops how in control you are?
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 25, 2013, 07:00:03 PM
Didn't Hunter S Thompson have a riff on that in Fear and Loathing? Something about driving like a maniac to show the cops how in control you are?
That was when he was leaving Vegas for the first time. Not quite the same thing. If you act like a maniac and get pulled over, you're either doomed, or the cop won't want to deal with the mania.
However, if you act like a maniac, you're less likely to get pulled over, because:
1. If a cop sees you, he probably doesn't want to deal with it (especially if it's close to shift change), and
2. If other people see it, they won't report it, because they have this weird fear that they will be in trouble, too. If they see you SORT of acting badly, they'll report it in a heartbeat.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 06:53:32 PM
Personally, I'm experimenting with "fully-assing" things. Don't just fuck up, drop your pants and ROLL in your fuck up. Fucking up half-way gets you in trouble; fucking up ALL THE WAY gets you promoted.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be improved by fucking it up, as long as it is fucked up proper.
That was my old style of doing things, back in the days when a Bad Idea put a glint in my eye and a silly grin on my face.
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 25, 2013, 09:41:33 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 06:53:32 PM
Personally, I'm experimenting with "fully-assing" things. Don't just fuck up, drop your pants and ROLL in your fuck up. Fucking up half-way gets you in trouble; fucking up ALL THE WAY gets you promoted.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be improved by fucking it up, as long as it is fucked up proper.
That was my old style of doing things, back in the days when a Bad Idea put a glint in my eye and a silly grin on my face.
WE HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT, HAVE WE, CATS?
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 09:42:23 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 25, 2013, 09:41:33 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 06:53:32 PM
Personally, I'm experimenting with "fully-assing" things. Don't just fuck up, drop your pants and ROLL in your fuck up. Fucking up half-way gets you in trouble; fucking up ALL THE WAY gets you promoted.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be improved by fucking it up, as long as it is fucked up proper.
That was my old style of doing things, back in the days when a Bad Idea put a glint in my eye and a silly grin on my face.
WE HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT, HAVE WE, CATS?
Getting old, for me, happened the moment it occurred to me that I wanted to live.
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 26, 2013, 12:03:49 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 09:42:23 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 25, 2013, 09:41:33 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on November 25, 2013, 06:53:32 PM
Personally, I'm experimenting with "fully-assing" things. Don't just fuck up, drop your pants and ROLL in your fuck up. Fucking up half-way gets you in trouble; fucking up ALL THE WAY gets you promoted.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be improved by fucking it up, as long as it is fucked up proper.
That was my old style of doing things, back in the days when a Bad Idea put a glint in my eye and a silly grin on my face.
WE HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT, HAVE WE, CATS?
Getting old, for me, happened the moment it occurred to me that I wanted to live.
I find myself in that mindset more often these days...But when I am in FUCK IT mode, I am far less concerned with consequences than I was when I was younger.
Frankly, I'm down with it.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 23, 2013, 12:19:07 AM
I can't tell if that's the best idea I've heard, or the absolute worst.
It would be moot in my case. Depression puts me in "Why bother?" mode.
Non-depressed half-assing and NOT GIVING A FUCK is Da Bomb, though. :lulz:
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on November 26, 2013, 12:19:46 AM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 23, 2013, 12:19:07 AM
I can't tell if that's the best idea I've heard, or the absolute worst.
It would be moot in my case. Depression puts me in "Why bother?" mode.
That's part of the problem. When you're down there, you don't want to get up. Well, you do, but it's a lot of effort and you've got no energy to do it.