New People Should Probably Read This.

[Freeky]

NEW PEOPLE:  PLEASE FILL OUT THIS FORM LETTER AND SEND TO YOUR FOLKS, SO THEY WON'T WORRY.

Hello Mother and Father,

I am writing to you to tell you that this is the last time that you will ever hear from me.  Since my induction into the Church of Discordianism my eyes have been opened to many Truths.  Reverend Roger and Dark Empress Nigel have been counseling me almost non-stop.  They have explained to me that you are EVIL, and that after this final letter to you, I must never have contact with you again. 

You are EVIL because of the oil that you squander and pollute the Earth with.  You are EVIL because of your shoulder-to-the-grindstone work ethic, wasting your lives in the shallow pursuit of material wealth.  You are EVIL because of the pain and suffering that your way of life causes the impoverished peoples of third world countries.  You are EVIL because you made me clean up my room before I could go out with my friends.

I want you to know that though I HATE YOU, I'll always love you.  Don't try to find me; I'm very happy here in my closet assembling clockwork Nixon dolls and other Swag.  I have to go now because I have to work on increasing my production or Triple Zero won't give me my daily carrot and alfalfa sprig.

I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

Love,
<Your Name>

OH SNAP.  HILARIOUS THING THOUGHT OF.

[Triple Zero]

It's amazing the amount of production value you can get as long as one remembers to administer the alfalfa sprig orally.

[kingyak]

I seem to have missed the clockwork Nixon dolls. Is it too late to place an order? I believe they would be a fine addition to my Fuzzy Heroes army.