TELL ME WHEN THE WHISTLE BLOWS

[Doktor Howl]

It's really getting on my ass.  This fucking place breaks down non-fucking-stop, and it's getting to the point where PILLS HERE doesn't do much good.  The streets are full of freaks, the cops just sit in their cars and shake, junkie angels and hipsters just curl up on the sidewalk and fucking die.  The new mayor just walks around looking like someone killed his dog (Thought it would all be easy answers, didn't you, you fucking teabagger swine? Ha!  HAHA!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!).

I'm so fucking stressed out that my lips cramped.  I wasn't aware that was even possible...And I am far from the most stressed out person I know (most of my coworkers are protected by their own stupidity).  Just watch the scum crawl, schlepping their way to the "cool" club, confident in the power of a pocket full of cocaine to make the young girls forget that the creeper is 45 years old.

Just watch the busses go by, loaded stem to stern with people that would be considered clincally insane anywhere else.  A city full of damage cases, from the outright insane, to people in their 30s who think a fur suit is a perfectly reasonable thing to spend the rent money on. 

Just watch the detective cry into his beer.  Just watch the firemen, the only functional public service we have, falling asleep on the job out of sheer overwork.  Just watch the one nurse in the ER who's hard-bitten enough not to go to pieces when the baby in one of the ER stalls dies, and the rest of the  staff all collapse into tears in frustration.

Just watch the grinnning bald guy gobbling pills and driving like an asshole through the legal district at ridiculous speeds.  No, better not watch him, he always turns all weird at exactly the wrong moment.

Well, okay, but I warned you.

Observe the grinning bald guy as he approaches crush depth, as his limbs randomly twitch, and his face turns red with rage over seemingly inconsequential things, like his cell phone beginning to ring.  Observe as the pressure at this depth causes him to begin to crumple and spring leaks, rivets flying around inside like in that one scene in Das Boot. 

No, scratch all that.  Everything's fine.  How could anything be better, in this best of all possible cities, in this best of all possible worlds? 

Okay for something or other,
Dok

[Doktor Howl]

Jesus doesn't save here.  There's no time.  He just leaves the tops off of dumpsters, and then comes and collects what gathers up while he's busy up in Portland.  Sometimes he really gets busy and the dumpster people arrive first, and the departed get to go to the landfill for their eternal reward.

It's fucking party time for the guys in Tucson.  Have a ball, ya'll.  Just don't let 'em whisper in your ear, because you don't need to hear that manner of shit before you die.  Just get back to digging, cause that grave ain't gonna dig itself, and it has to be big enough for you and all your stuff.

[Doktor Howl]

Hahaha!   

There's nobody out there.   

[Doktor Howl]

IS THIS THING WORKING?  *tap, tap*

It seems to me that a change is needed.  Something.  Anything. 

[Doktor Howl]

DO YOU FEEL THE PAYNE?

[Doktor Howl]

It was never like this back in Chicago.  Or on the East Coast.

In all of those places, you felt like someone was driving the train, instead of piling in the clubcar, drunkenly playing rummy while the engine churned away, with the throttle tied down with rope.

And that's what it's like here.  Like there's nobody running shit.  Like a runaway car, and you're stuck in the back seat.  Something's going to happen eventually, and you are powerless to stop it.  And the other assholes next to you keep saying how nice it all is, as long as you stay on the North side.

[Doktor Howl]

Look, you fuckers, you gotta wear comfortable shoes, and practice deep breathing.  Oxygenate that blood...So when Tucson comes for YOU, you can outrun all your buddies.  It's your only hope.  It probably won't save you, but at least it will get you last.

And smile.  All the time.  It goes for the ones that have forgotten their Happy Thoughts™.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

I like to counteract the feeling of my body telling me to set downtown on fire by drinking a quarter bottle of jack daniels and watching 30 Rock for four consecutive hours until I fall asleep crying.

I take special comfort in knowing our city council "doesn't" have people thrown out onto the streets for practicing free speech, our schools "do" have respect for all religions and ethnicities, and the police "don't" pull over and pull guns on minorities for having legally obtained a gun permit.

Because that would be unfortunate.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

My bad, I had the window up and got called away.

On the East Coast, they at least pretend to give a shit whether people live or die. This can translate to stupid shit like writing tickets to people who don't wear bicycle helmets, but I never minded when I was up there because where I'm from and where I am now, nobody gives a shit and they're being pretty overt about trying to pare down the population.

I haven't lived in enough places to see where the public safety thing stops and the WE'RE ALL ON A RUNAWAY 18 WHEELER WITH NO BRAKES WOOHOO GIMME A BUD LIGHT CLAMATO HERP DERP starts, but I suspect it's kaput long before a person reaches Ohio.

[Doktor Howl]

I haven't lived in enough places to see where the public safety thing stops and the WE'RE ALL ON A RUNAWAY 18 WHEELER WITH NO BRAKES WOOHOO GIMME A BUD LIGHT CLAMATO HERP DERP starts, but I suspect it's kaput long before a person reaches Ohio.

And by the time it reaches here, it's weaving from lane to lane, looking for "a moment".  And then the EMTs all stand around trying to light cigarettes, while some fat & vapid "stress counselor" tries to shove unicorns and pink monkeys up their arses.

Where the fuck do people like that come from?  Who the fuck smiles and tells you "life happens" a dozen feet from a mangled sausage creature that used to be a pretty 18 year old girl?  WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?  What in the FUCK is wrong with their heads?  There's a time and a place for everything, but RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN, is NOT the CORRECT FUCKING TIME.

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Also, we don't have race problems, at least not like other cities do.  We're all in the shit together, and race is a pretty minor issue when Mother Tucson comes jitterbugging along, singing old Leonard Cohen tunes and kicking peoples' heads in.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Psh. You and your relentless logic.

YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN SMILE, DOK! You just gotta buckle down and chase that unicorn across that crowded highway, high on life and new age scripture!

Try some of our locally grown "fresh" florida oranges. The people on the commerical seem all sorts of smiley.

[Doktor Howl]

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Psh. You and your relentless logic.

YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN SMILE, DOK! You just gotta buckle down and chase that unicorn across that crowded highway, high on life and new age scripture!

Try some of our locally grown "fresh" florida oranges. The people on the commerical seem all sorts of smiley.

This is one reason I don't watch TV.  Everyone on TV seems so fucking unreasonably HAPPY.  Especially the freaks they have as anchors on the news.  BIG FUCKING SMILE while we talk about the world economy shitting while bankers steal everything that isn't nailed down and half the shit that IS...And aren't they just CHEERFUL BASTARDS under that solemn look while they talk about random shootings?

If I had my way, all of those cocksuckers AND the bastards that write commercials would be dropped off at 4th & I-10 and left there to die in whichever gruesome manner the locals think of first.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Psh. You and your relentless logic.

YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN SMILE, DOK! You just gotta buckle down and chase that unicorn across that crowded highway, high on life and new age scripture!

Try some of our locally grown "fresh" florida oranges. The people on the commerical seem all sorts of smiley.

This is one reason I don't watch TV.  Everyone on TV seems so fucking unreasonably HAPPY.  Especially the freaks they have as anchors on the news.  BIG FUCKING SMILE while we talk about the world economy shitting while bankers steal everything that isn't nailed down and half the shit that IS...And aren't they just CHEERFUL BASTARDS under that solemn look while they talk about random shootings?

If I had my way, all of those cocksuckers AND the bastards that write commercials would be dropped off at 4th & I-10 and left there to die in whichever gruesome manner the locals think of first.

...her body was found in six different areas of the county, and police suspect her father was involved.
In other news, a kitten with a real voice sings happy birthday to her owner!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Psh. You and your relentless logic.

YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN SMILE, DOK! You just gotta buckle down and chase that unicorn across that crowded highway, high on life and new age scripture!

Try some of our locally grown "fresh" florida oranges. The people on the commerical seem all sorts of smiley.

This is one reason I don't watch TV.  Everyone on TV seems so fucking unreasonably HAPPY.  Especially the freaks they have as anchors on the news.  BIG FUCKING SMILE while we talk about the world economy shitting while bankers steal everything that isn't nailed down and half the shit that IS...And aren't they just CHEERFUL BASTARDS under that solemn look while they talk about random shootings?

If I had my way, all of those cocksuckers AND the bastards that write commercials would be dropped off at 4th & I-10 and left there to die in whichever gruesome manner the locals think of first.

...her body was found in six different areas of the county, and police suspect her father was involved.
In other news, a kitten with a real voice sings happy birthday to her owner!

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/whistle_past_the_graveyard

[Doktor Howl]

And then Oysters comes along with a short term solution, one that I have tried on many occasions.  Problem is, the crud the next day is worse, because you can't staple a grin on your face and look like your mask didn't crack, and it gives the crew the jimjams.

Psh. You and your relentless logic.

YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN SMILE, DOK! You just gotta buckle down and chase that unicorn across that crowded highway, high on life and new age scripture!

Try some of our locally grown "fresh" florida oranges. The people on the commerical seem all sorts of smiley.

This is one reason I don't watch TV.  Everyone on TV seems so fucking unreasonably HAPPY.  Especially the freaks they have as anchors on the news.  BIG FUCKING SMILE while we talk about the world economy shitting while bankers steal everything that isn't nailed down and half the shit that IS...And aren't they just CHEERFUL BASTARDS under that solemn look while they talk about random shootings?

If I had my way, all of those cocksuckers AND the bastards that write commercials would be dropped off at 4th & I-10 and left there to die in whichever gruesome manner the locals think of first.

...her body was found in six different areas of the county, and police suspect her father was involved.
In other news, a kitten with a real voice sings happy birthday to her owner!

The newspaper obits here are bad enough.  On some days, they read like the second half of Tacitus' The Annals of Ancient Rome.