Untitled Rant About Myself.

[EK WAFFLR]

Lately I've been really, really down. I don't know why, exactly. All the things that bother me and makes me want to dig a deep fucking hole in my lawn and jump into it head first are things that only four weeks ago, I'd laugh at.

I've suffered from depression and somewhat mild anxiety attacks for a little over a decade. The last four years have seen me on a steady rise from the pit I was in from 2002-2006.
Now, it's as if I've been sent back seven years.

I really do not have a god damn thing to complain about, other than my three dislocated spinal disks and periodical migraines, but I am so goddamn fucking unhappy.
I'm so lonesome I could cry, as the song goes. But I cannot cry. I have a constant lump in my throat, and whenever I'm alone, I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into tears any moment.

The fact that I'm between jobs doesn't bother me much at all, to be honest. I'll find a job soon enough.
The fact that I was out sick from my previous job for well over a year doesn't bother me much.
What DOES make me horribly, terribly depressed, on the other hand, is the fact that I am completely and utterly unable to maintain a romantic relationship. And I don't know why.
I see only two reasons for this, both of them equally ego shattering to think about.
Either, I have fallen into a decade long pattern of falling for emotionally and mentally unstable women, immature women, violently jealous women (who also happens to fuck people I thought were friends behind my back).
OR, I am such a horrible person to live with that I scare women away.

This is what runs around my head every fucking day, and has for weeks. And I am fucking tired of it! I thought I was finished with this shit six years ago.

I just want it to stop.

Last night I watched the newest Big Bang Theory episode, and I HAD A COMPLETE AND UTTERLY TOTAL FUCKING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN!
I curled up on the floor in a fetal position and wept and wept and wept for two straight hours.
I didn't feel any better afterwards


Waffle Iron,
Snot-stached emo kid.

[Luna]

This is where I desperately wish I had sage words of advice to offer...

[Placid Dingo]

I don't have a lot to offer beyond sympathy, Waffle Iron. Hang in there.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Aww, Waffle Iron.

If you were not on a different continent, I'd give you a hug and bake you cookies.

[Doktor Howl]

Lately I've been really, really down. I don't know why, exactly. All the things that bother me and makes me want to dig a deep fucking hole in my lawn and jump into it head first are things that only four weeks ago, I'd laugh at.

I've suffered from depression and somewhat mild anxiety attacks for a little over a decade. The last four years have seen me on a steady rise from the pit I was in from 2002-2006.
Now, it's as if I've been sent back seven years.

I really do not have a god damn thing to complain about, other than my three dislocated spinal disks and periodical migraines, but I am so goddamn fucking unhappy.
I'm so lonesome I could cry, as the song goes. But I cannot cry. I have a constant lump in my throat, and whenever I'm alone, I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into tears any moment.

The fact that I'm between jobs doesn't bother me much at all, to be honest. I'll find a job soon enough.
The fact that I was out sick from my previous job for well over a year doesn't bother me much.
What DOES make me horribly, terribly depressed, on the other hand, is the fact that I am completely and utterly unable to maintain a romantic relationship. And I don't know why.
I see only two reasons for this, both of them equally ego shattering to think about.
Either, I have fallen into a decade long pattern of falling for emotionally and mentally unstable women, immature women, violently jealous women (who also happens to fuck people I thought were friends behind my back).
OR, I am such a horrible person to live with that I scare women away.

This is what runs around my head every fucking day, and has for weeks. And I am fucking tired of it! I thought I was finished with this shit six years ago.

I just want it to stop.

Last night I watched the newest Big Bang Theory episode, and I HAD A COMPLETE AND UTTERLY TOTAL FUCKING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN!
I curled up on the floor in a fetal position and wept and wept and wept for two straight hours.
I didn't feel any better afterwards


Waffle Iron,
Snot-stached emo kid.

You sound like you could use a little Holiness^TM.

[NewSpag]

I just want to say that I barely even know anything about you, but from what I've seen so far you seem like a cool guy in my book.  Hang in there brother, theres probably a Mrs. Waffle Iron out there somewhere in a similar dilemma because you haven't come along and brightened her life yet.

[Luna]

Aww, Waffle Iron.

If you were not on a different continent, I'd give you a hug and bake you cookies.

This.  Only I'd bake brownies, 'cause I do them better than cookies.

[EK WAFFLR]

Thanks everyone.
You warm my heart.


I am really just pissed off at myself for letting this get to me so hard.

[Luna]

Thanks everyone.
You warm my heart.


I am really just pissed off at myself for letting this get to me so hard.

Don't be...  It's important to you, and that's fine.  Been through it, myself.  I suspect most of us have, at one point or another.  You FEEL, and, trust me, that's just fine.  I'm no stranger to curl-up-on-the-floor-and-cry nights...  They suck (which is an epic understatement). 

[Freeky]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Getting angry only will make you more depressed. Try practicing not caring that you're depressed, and work your way up from there.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

The crazy seems to be going around a lot right now

[Lenin McCarthy]

Oh, I can identify. Except maybe the bit about romantic relationships (I don't have those at all (yet, hopefully)).

But yeah, depression and anxiety hits me at irregular intervals. It sucks.

I don't really have any good advice to offer, either. 

[NewSpag]

One suggestion:  Don't watch Chuck Lorre sitcoms when you feel down.  That awful canned laughter is enough to drive any sane person to tears.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Don't totally blame yourself until you KNOW. Sometimes people just have a long run of shit luck, but it runs out of steam eventually.

I have noticed that people who are in a hurry to get to the Serious Relationship^TM stage and rush things along tend to be the psychos and control freaks. That's problematic when you're LOOKING for something serious.

Maybe try keeping things at friends with benefits for an extended period until you really know what the deal is?

[Salty]

One suggestion:  Don't watch Chuck Lorre sitcoms when you feel down.  That awful canned laughter is enough to drive any sane person to tears.

Oh you WISH that was canned laughter. It's not.

Ima let that sink in.


WAFFLE IRON: BRO. Breakdowns are good, even if you don't feel better afterwards.
And I know where you're coming from with a lot of that. We live in a similar climate and we seem to have similar taste in women. 

The only advice I can give I feel you probably already know: You must take that "horrible to live with" quality and take it ALL THE WAY TO THE WALL.

These people who cannot handle it? They are not worthy. Period.
Someone will find those same qualities as GOOD things.

Unless, you know, you're some kind of god damned Scandinavian furry (an elk?).