I feel violated.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Or at least my sense of White American Privilege™ feels violated. 

You see, I am a huge fan of ethnic food, and I try to sample something new every month.  So I went to a Mongolian BBQ with the wife and another couple (Those of you who have been to one of these places are already laughing, and can just FUCK RIGHT OFF).

FIRST:  Mongolians don't actually HAVE quisine, other than fermented mare's milk.  So what you ACTUALLY get is Thai, Chinese, Korean, etc.  No problem...BUT

Second:  You have to grab a bowl and go pick out YOUR OWN SHIT. 

Listen, this is AMERICA™.  It is NOT fucking North Korea.  No.  When I put my money on the table, I expect a feed bag to be strapped to my face by the wait staff.  I do NOT expect to go up and make a royal abortion out of my meal, and then pay DOUBLE what I would have paid at ANY OTHER RESTAURANT.

Third:  Chop sticks?  REALLY?  Look, chop sticks are for eating LITTLE FOOD.  I am not here to eat LITTLE FOOD.  This is Goddamn AMERICA™, you arse biscuits, and we eat BIG FOOD.  Oh, and in the bowl, those chunks of ham were about 1" on a side.  But since they are also soaked in ice water, when they're actually COOKED, they're about the size of my thumbnail.

Also, because the lady answering the phone had a badly cleft palate, we assumed she was actually some kind of Mongolian, and numerous difficulties that could have been avoided, weren't.  For one thing, it was a CHAIN RESTAURANT (Ghengis Grill), which means they do a special little song...No, scratch that, a special LOUD song for everyone whose birthday it is.  Like TGIFridays, or some shit.  And there's always one employee who GETS INTO IT.  But unlike the Mongols of old, I could not pile rugs on her and then drive horses over the rugs.  I feel ripped off.  This was BULLSHIT.

Of course, the business model of having your customers make most of the meal pays the company quite well.  You can't bitch at them if your food TASTES the way a barnyard SMELLS, because who picked out the ingredients?  As for the customers,  this model rewards two kinds of people.

1.  Stupid/ignorant people (the difference being that ignorant people will only go once), and

2.  People who think they can do a better job of ethnic food than the chef.

Lastly, while I didn't actually expect fermented mare's milk, they could have at least offered Eastern stuff.  But they didn't.  They had about 30 rather standard and overpriced cocktails with tough sounding Mongol names...But I gotta say, slapping a Mongol name on a Blue Moon beer with a shot of cinammon whiskey dropped in it doesn't actually make it a genuine enthic drink.  How about a Chai, for fuck's sake?  I mean, that's at least EASTERN, right?  No dice.  I could have a Raspberry Tea or a Dr Pepper though, if I wanted one.

Overall, I rate the Mongolian BBQ Experience (on a scale of 1 to ECH) at an "Enki".  There is NO EXCUSE for this shit.  Even if they light the grill on fire every 15 minutes.  When I go to a restaurant, I want my food prepared by someone who knows what they're doing, and don't need any fucking details.

I mean, if I was WILLING to cook my own food, and I was ABLE to cook my own food, I'd have stayed HOME AND DONE JUST THAT, and saved a bundle.

Or Kill Me. 

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

 

[Cain]

You can't trust Mongols.  This is their way of mocking outsiders.

You're meant to throw a huge fit, then slaughter the chef.  It's a test and, unfortunately, your restraint is the cause of your failure.  No fermented mare's milk, riding steppe ponies and looting the restaurant down the road for you.

[Elder Iptuous]

 
... heh. an Enki....

hey, next time go to a mongolian place run by some mongolians.  there's only one i know of around here, but it's a helluva lot better than ghengis grill.

what's you next cuisine to conquer?
you done the brazilian steakhouse thing yet?  that makes you feel like a goddamned 'merican!

[LMNO]

Wait, they took your bowl and cooked it for you on a grill?

Over in these parts, they place a huge bucket of boiling broth (which comes in flavors varying from mild chicken to holy-fuck-my-face-is-melting) in front of you on a special table that keeps the broth at a roiling boil for the entire meal.  They then give you plates of raw meat and vegetables, which you shove into the boiling liquid until cooked.  It's like a cross-contamination festival in an active volcao crater.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I HATE THE MONGOLIAN GRILL.

Dude, MONGOLIAN food. Who the fuck thought that was a good business model?

OH YEAH, THE FAT AMERICAN WHO WAS ALL, YES, SUBURBANITES WILL PAY TWENTY BUCKS TO PILE RAW MEAT IN A BOWL AND WATCH MY MINIMUM-WAGE MEXICAN CHEF GET IT HOT ON THIS SIMPLE COOKING DEVICE.

Brazilian food, on the other hand, is either a terrible joke or a wonderful lie. Gauchos with meat on swords wandering around carving it onto your plates.

[Elder Iptuous]

jesus! it costs $20 for a bowl of mongolian slop over there?!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

jesus! it costs $20 for a bowl of mongolian slop over there?!

I thought it did, but I looked it up and it's only $13.50. Still, though.

[Elder Iptuous]

that's still ridiculously emote worthy.
it's half that down here.
and for all you can eat.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

that's still ridiculously emote worthy.
it's half that down here.
and for all you can eat.

Well, yeah, but you have to be in Texas.

[Elder Iptuous]

that's still ridiculously emote worthy.
it's half that down here.
and for all you can eat.

Well, yeah, but you have to be in Texas.

true. 
wife and i are planning on moving out of TX soon, but then we'll surely miss living without the restaurant density of the metroplex.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I still think America^TM DESERVES a Scottish restaurant chain.

This gives me hope. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

In a moment of hilarious synchronicity, there was an email from Groupon for a discount at my local mongolian grill, just now.

I think I'm going to get it. Mostly because it's in a location that's famous for being a drug front.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

that's still ridiculously emote worthy.
it's half that down here.
and for all you can eat.

Well, yeah, but you have to be in Texas.

true. 
wife and i are planning on moving out of TX soon, but then we'll surely miss living without the restaurant density of the metroplex.

Are you moving to a land without restaurants?

Christ, the restaurants I went to in Texas were awful. It seems like almost anywhere other than Nebraska would be an improvement.

[Elder Iptuous]

I still think America^TM DESERVES a Scottish restaurant chain.

This gives me hope. 

seriously.  we have to wait for the Texas Scottish Festival & Highland Games, or the Ren Faire to get any of that poinsonous ambrosia down our gullet?
That is criminal!