What's my Effin Problem.

[Cuddlefish]

First: long time no post. How are you all? I've been lurking, as I've been very busy with school, and in my down time I can hardly muster an intelligent thought, let alone make an intelligible or meaningful post.

However, I've been seeking advice on an issue that I've been experiencing, and I feel like no one I talk to about it is being a 'straight shooter' with me. And all this time, I have forgotten the perfect place for blunt but honest advice: the wonderful land of the interbutts!

So, here's my 'problem' (I put that in quotes, because I'm not sure if it's self created, or even if anyone would consider it a problem).

I attended my first semester at a 'real' university last semester. As a transfer student from a community college and an 'older' person (on average, I'm about ten years older than the other students) I had a desire to be taken seriously and prove that I could achieve, despite the stereotypes associated with community college. Furthermore, my own expectations were high; I performed well at CCRI, and I felt the need prove to (myself?) that I was capable of achieving more. I struggled with severe self-doubt throughout the semester, and continually felt as if I had already failed.

Well, the grades started rolling in. An A. Another A, followed by another.

Five in total.

A 4.0.

A perfect score

I've never felt worse about an achievement. Especially one that I set for myself and worked hard to get.

For some reason, this 4.0, which is supposed to be an imaginary, idealized grade which no one ever really gets, is making me feel really stupid. I'm almost embarrassed by it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why.

So, PD, why am I such a stupid asshole? I'd really like to know.

P.S. I know it is in bad form to make a post of such a personal nature after such a long period of non-contribution, but, as I often find, you guys are the only people I can turn to.

P.P.S Tomahawks.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Hey Dimo!

I'm guessing that why you feel stupid with such a great grade is because the reason you got it was to prove something, and to kinda downplay the fact you went to community college. Perhaps you inherently know it doesn't really matter whether you did or not so long as you get to your degree. As a result, you feel stupid that you got all As not because it's an awesome grade, but that you aimed for that grade for all the wrong reasons. Does that sound like a reasonable analysis?

[Don Coyote]

Do you think you would have been happier with a 3.8?

[Trivial]

Did it feel too easy?

[Cuddlefish]

Hey Dimo!

I'm guessing that why you feel stupid with such a great grade is because the reason you got it was to prove something, and to kinda downplay the fact you went to community college. Perhaps you inherently know it doesn't really matter whether you did or not so long as you get to your degree. As a result, you feel stupid that you got all As not because it's an awesome grade, but that you aimed for that grade for all the wrong reasons. Does that sound like a reasonable analysis?

It's definitely something I've thought about, but I did it because I wanted to, so I'm not sure this is accurate. I think something else is going on.

Do you think you would have been happier with a 3.8?

In a way, yes. I've said to friends a few times 'A 3.8 can be improved,  but a 4.0 can only go down,' but I don't think I'm eating my own bullshit on that one.

This is a weird thing to say out-loud in type, but it feels that someone else would be better suited to having it. I don't feel worthy of it. I don't understand why;I worked really hard and there's no obvious reason I can see that I should feel this way. I didn't slack or cheat or anything. I usually enjoy reaching personal goals. But this is shite for some reason.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Hey Dimo!

I'm guessing that why you feel stupid with such a great grade is because the reason you got it was to prove something, and to kinda downplay the fact you went to community college. Perhaps you inherently know it doesn't really matter whether you did or not so long as you get to your degree. As a result, you feel stupid that you got all As not because it's an awesome grade, but that you aimed for that grade for all the wrong reasons. Does that sound like a reasonable analysis?

It's definitely something I've thought about, but I did it because I wanted to, so I'm not sure this is accurate. I think something else is going on.

Do you think you would have been happier with a 3.8?

In a way, yes. I've said to friends a few times 'A 3.8 can be improved,  but a 4.0 can only go down,' but I don't think I'm eating my own bullshit on that one.

This is a weird thing to say out-loud in type, but it feels that someone else would be better suited to having it. I don't feel worthy of it. I don't understand why;I worked really hard and there's no obvious reason I can see that I should feel this way. I didn't slack or cheat or anything. I usually enjoy reaching personal goals. But this is shite for some reason.

Ah, yeah, if you're feeling unworthy of it, something else is going on. How are you doing otherwise?

[Cuddlefish]

You know what it's like? It's like showing up to Steve Wiebe's house and reaching the kill screen in Donkey Kong on your first try, in front of him and his whole family, never even having seen the game before. It's just kind of a dick move, y'know?

Ah, yeah, if you're feeling unworthy of it, something else is going on. How are you doing otherwise?

Otherwise, mostly well.

[Don Coyote]

I think I know how you feel. If I had busted my ass (which I did) these last two quarters and been rewarded with a 4.0, I'd probably feel a bit let down, and that maybe I should just slack off more.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

You know what it's like? It's like showing up to Steve Wiebe's house and reaching the kill screen in Donkey Kong on your first try, in front of him and his whole family, never even having seen the game before. It's just kind of a dick move, y'know?

Ah, yeah, if you're feeling unworthy of it, something else is going on. How are you doing otherwise?

Otherwise, mostly well.

So you feel like you've outdone your fellow students when you shouldn't have both as a matter of principle and as a reasonably possible outcome?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I don't even know. I'll have to think about it some. Maybe it didn't feel sporting, like you had an unfair advantage? Ultimately, probably, only you will be able to figure out the reason why, but other people will be able to help you sort it out. So keep talking.

[Cuddlefish]

You know what it's like? It's like showing up to Steve Wiebe's house and reaching the kill screen in Donkey Kong on your first try, in front of him and his whole family, never even having seen the game before. It's just kind of a dick move, y'know?

Ah, yeah, if you're feeling unworthy of it, something else is going on. How are you doing otherwise?

Otherwise, mostly well.

So you feel like you've outdone your fellow students when you shouldn't have both as a matter of principle and as a reasonably possible outcome?

I think that's a fair assessment. I think, in addition, it's like I've got a target on my back now. Outside of performances with the band, I get sort of paranoid when I feel I'm being observed in some way. Like everybody's watching to see if/when/how I'll fuck up now that I'm holding something that's so easily broken. Pressure, I guess, in a way. I just don't know if it's real or imagined.

[Cuddlefish]

I don't even know. I'll have to think about it some. Maybe it didn't feel sporting, like you had an unfair advantage? Ultimately, probably, only you will be able to figure out the reason why, but other people will be able to help you sort it out. So keep talking.

It's weird. It's like, this world must be so totally fucked if a two-time-high-school-drop-out, punker, pot-head, discordian, whacko is the one who's pulling a 4.0. I'm not trying to downplay myself, here, but I think it says something about the state of affairs in education here in 'murrica.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Is it safe to say this course or whatever is the start of something? Like you're going to do more, higher-level education based shit on the back of it?

If so then you trashed level 1. It'll put you in good stead for level 2 and beyond but it's going to get harder. Your game now is to keep that 4.0 thing as close to the top as poss for as long as you can hold onto it.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

A 4.0.

A perfect score

I've never felt worse about an achievement. Especially one that I set for myself and worked hard to get.

For some reason, this 4.0, which is supposed to be an imaginary, idealized grade which no one ever really gets, is making me feel really stupid. I'm almost embarrassed by it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why.

This reminds me of when I got to the point that I could draw just about anything in a photorealistic way. Many people were very impressed by it, but I quickly realized it only meant that I can turn my hands into an extremely slow replicating machine. Other people often viewed it as this great accomplishment and used the word "creative" and "artist" a lot, but the more I did it and the more I thought about it, the less I found it valuable or "creative art" in any sense.

I learned to make the page conform to what my eyes can see, and you have learned to conform the page to what educators want you to understand. They're both nice skills to have that result in external praise and open doors, but it seems neither of these accomplishments are especially meaningful to either of us, in and of themselves.

I felt stupid because I was putting too much stock into what other people thought of me, even though it was initially gratifying to the ego.

[Faust]

Welcome to Academia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

it means you're doing fine, now keep using that self concious nervous energy to continue getting good grades.