Something's wrong.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Welcome, my friend, to the February of 40-something male life.

It hides behind a door, you see, and then whacks you with a sock full of dimes.  One day you're fine, life is this great big thing stretching out in front of you, and then BAM!  You're looking back down the road you just walked up, second guessing yourself and wishing you were a few miles back down the way you came.

But you can't do that, of course, and you look damn silly if you try.

It's not that the fun stopped...It's that the fun changed, and you have to change with it.  Consider:  When you were a kid, you may have thought that when you were grown up, you'd buy ice cream every day.  Then when you became an adult, and could do that...Well, you didn't want that anymore, as that is the wish of a child, not the desire of an adult.

And then you hit 40 or so, and you feel like you're treading water, because none of your childhood wishes apply anymore. 

The TRUTH is, this is the BEST time of your life, because you have no set preconceptions of what to do...And if you can avoid the two most common traps waiting for you, you can do ANY DAMN THING YOU WANT.

Those traps are:

1.  Denying that you've reached this point, and trying to act like a 25 year old.  Goofy fuckers.

2.  Deciding that you're OLD and SERIOUS now, and joining the Tea Party, or some other fucked up collection of walking midlife crisises.

No, the trick is to take a little while and think about it.  What do you WANT to do?  This age is the ONLY FUCKING TIME you get to make that choice, so choose wisely.

And as for your old man...Well, I can't help you there.  I could make trite comments about a religion neither you nor he believe(d) in, or maybe ask if he'd be pleased by you spending so much time and emotional energy dwelling on his death...But to what end?  It wouldn't make you feel any better.

I can't imagine that hole will stop getting larger until you fit in it.  Because that, ultimately, is what sons and daughters do.  They take our place when we die, and they carry on.  Rinse, repeat, hey, welcome to the human condition.

So, anyway, that's about all I have to say about this, except that you need to THINK and DECIDE, and then DO.

But there's no hurry.  You have pretty much the rest of your life to figure it out.  I sure as fuck haven't managed to properly decide yet.

QFT

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, the thing is to THINK.  Something we are always convinced there isn't time to do.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Don't they have some kind of accelerated program your daughter could get into?

My daughter got into a thing where she could work at her own pace and she finished up early, even with copious fucking off.

She's enjoying high school with her friends.  I can do that much for her.

Ah, that's another story. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Don't they have some kind of accelerated program your daughter could get into?

My daughter got into a thing where she could work at her own pace and she finished up early, even with copious fucking off.

She's enjoying high school with her friends.  I can do that much for her.

Ah, that's another story. 

Yes, and I can see how that might be an unlikely situation in the great metropolis of Seguin.  Something tells me the high schools and their inmates are slightly different.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Don't they have some kind of accelerated program your daughter could get into?

My daughter got into a thing where she could work at her own pace and she finished up early, even with copious fucking off.

She's enjoying high school with her friends.  I can do that much for her.

Ah, that's another story. 

Yes, and I can see how that might be an unlikely situation in the great metropolis of Seguin.  Something tells me the high schools and their inmates are slightly different.

Yes.

They normally make kids wait until they're 18 to go to the self paced thing, but she got to go early. Officially because she has a high IQ but she was still flunking out, but the real reason is that they didn't want to deal with her and she didn't *quite* let them get enough on her to send her off to TYC.

Before that, from about sixth grade on, the object was to be "punished" by being sent to alternative school, where they actually treated the kids BETTER and it was possible to get through the day without going off on some moron teacher. We were always overjoyed when she got sent to A school.

[insideout]

I've had something similar happen a few times.

when I was about 20, my brain went into a funk for awhile.  At the worst I contemplated suicide.  I relieved the issue by getting a new girlfriend.  Seems looking back that the brain problems were caused by testosterone issues, and having a new girlfriend helped with that.

had it happen again when I was about 32.  I got out of the army, and I'm thinking at the time it was a result of longterm mental and psychological abuse at the hands of loving members of the military.

had it happen again in 1997 when i started having chronic migraines.  turns out that feeling like an icepick stabbing in the side of your head over and over multiple times a week can really mess you up.

happened again when my dad and brother died in the same year.  Grief can screw you over bigtime as well.

and it happened again this year.  this time I'm mostly righted again.  Turns out I had a Vitamin D3 deficiency.  I dunno why that would fix things, but simply taking Vitamin D3 has helped massively with bad brain state this year.

The point I'm trying to make is that you are not the best detector of the cause of the problem when your brain is the one that is fucking up. So many possibilities, and it's much easier to narrow down when you have help than when you don't.

Get help where you can find it.  I wish you the best.

[Richter]

Admirable troofpaste in here so far.

My own contribution is less grounded, but from what I've observed it seems to be the way things are.  Sometimes the wind shifts.  It doesn't make sense, it shouldn't happen, but it just DOES.  Or the gravity starts going the wrong way.  Or that little stream you stepped into starts to sweep you away.  It doesn't make sense, but a bit of life you thought was a constant changes for a short while.  When this happens some folks will go to their grave spouting "no, it shouldn't do that..." as it bowls them over or drags them under.  The way out is to accept it then see how you can exploit it.  All of you watch your asses for the next few days, OK? 

[P3nT4gR4m]

Admirable troofpaste in here so far.

My own contribution is less grounded, but from what I've observed it seems to be the way things are.  Sometimes the wind shifts.  It doesn't make sense, it shouldn't happen, but it just DOES.  Or the gravity starts going the wrong way.  Or that little stream you stepped into starts to sweep you away.  It doesn't make sense, but a bit of life you thought was a constant changes for a short while.  When this happens some folks will go to their grave spouting "no, it shouldn't do that..." as it bowls them over or drags them under.  The way out is to accept it then see how you can exploit it.  All of you watch your asses for the next few days, OK?

This got me thinking ... Humans, like bodies in motion, seek rest. Instinctively, they seek routine, status quo, they resist change. This is not necessarily what's best for them but, if they manage to get some they'll hang onto it for dear life, whilst it sucks them down all the while. Then something changes and panic sets in. Don't panic. Change (even bad change) is good for you. Embrace the chaos.

[Reginald Ret]

1) Its a new form of grieving.  Dad's been dead for a couple of years, and there's a him-shaped hole in the world, and it's getting bigger.

2) Connected to the above and conflated with some of Roger's rants, I've been doing things, but I haven't been doing things.  I haven't done enough to leave a mark on the world, and all my book and music projects have been essentially selfish flights of narcissism, doing things to say I did them, not to actually change anything.

3) I'm worried about my health, but I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing.  I should lose 20-30 pounds, cut back on the alcohol, eat healthier, and all the rest, but I'm simply not doing it – especially the cutting back on alcohol bit.  Which prompts quiet anxiety that I may be turning into (or I may be) a functioning alcoholic, which we know usually turns into a non-functioning alcoholic.

4) Biological clock.  What's missing is a child.

5) My brain chemicals are screwy, and I'm sliding into depression.

6) I'm not getting enough sleep.

I figure number six and number three are the easiest things to check, although number three has been on the To Do list for about a decade now, so "easiest" is a fairly relative term.  But there.  I've written it down.  Something's up with my headstate.

Fix 6 first. (easy fixes are great for getting started) also, this should give you the energy to do 2 (and/or realize that lots of what you do is already worthwhile but you were to tired to notice)
Get a psychiatrist or something to check for depression.
One of alcohol's long term effects is a reduced capacity to enjoy. More alcohol is an effective but very stupid short term fix for this.
Shit, got to get back to work.
Feel better soon.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

LMNO, you sound like me about two years ago, except for the marriage part. I think Roger hit the nail on the head... happens to women too. And you bring up the job satisfaction thing, which is huge.

You may not need as much sleep as you used to, but I agree that you should start there. 5-HTP and a magnesium supplement helped my sleep immeasurably, FWIW.

As you get older alcohol is going to be more and more your enemy... but if you're anything like me, you'll need something to fill its place. Not in terms of chemical satisfaction, but in terms of SOMETHING TO DO. I realized that I was drinking because I was bored. Now I try (with some failures, usually spectacular) not to drink very much or very often at home, I don't go out much, and most of the time I do homework, watch movies, or read instead. If that sounds like I've become boring... well, sure. That's kind of true. I'm at peace with that.

As far as kids go... many of my friends are just now having them, which seems weird to me because I'm so so done with babies. But all I'm saying is that if that's still something you guys want, there's always the adoption route, and you won't be the oldest parents on the playground by any means. There is also the option of volunteering with homeless or disadvantaged youth, which is not like parenting but can be remarkably fulfilling, because in a way changing the life of homeless kids can leave a greater legacy than having your own.

But I haven't addressed the big one, the one that I think is at the heart of your discontent. Your job. It's not fulfilling, and in America we have somehow fallen upon this notion that what a man does is not who he is. But if we spend 8-12 hours a day devoting by far the largest part of our cognitive and physical energy toward a task, how can it not affect who we are? And if we don't find it fulfilling and rewarding, in ways more meaningful than monetary, there is no question that it will have a negative impact on our overall well-being.

I suspect that this is the primary reason you don't cut back your drinking, eat better, get more sleep, exercise more. It's because you're psychologically stuck, and your job is the main thing sticking you.

You're still plenty young enough for a career change. Take it from me. Or hell, look at John Cacioppo, my hero, the world's leading social neuroscientist, who is on his third career... the previous two seemingly unrelated.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I agree with Nigel on the job thing. I used to want to "make a difference" and have a "fulfilling job" you know what? Fuck that shit. I want paid. I'm happiest doing the bare minimum to make that happen now because my life (the only bit that matters) is evenings and weekends. My career is a fucking waste of time that I lump in with sleep and forget about. It's like taking a shit - something I have to do but not something I have to enjoy, or even stay awake during.

[Elder Iptuous]

arent you saying the exact opposite of what Nigel is saying?

[LMNO]

I was wondering the same thing.  And incidentally, I pretty much am doing it the P3nt way -- I've got a job I don't much care about, can spend a relatively large amount of time on PD.com, allows for the occasional two-hour, two-beer lunch, and pays me.

I kind of like Nigel and Roger's advice right now. 


I'm going spider hunting in my own skull.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I was wondering the same thing.  And incidentally, I pretty much am doing it the P3nt way -- I've got a job I don't much care about, can spend a relatively large amount of time on PD.com, allows for the occasional two-hour, two-beer lunch, and pays me.

I kind of like Nigel and Roger's advice right now. 


I'm going spider hunting in my own skull.

Careful.  There's things down in there that are better left alone.  Trust me on this.

[Freeky]

I think Nigel and Roger are right about the job. Doing something that fulfills you may very well fix or at least ease the psychological thingies, though a change in career is probably the hardest thing to do.

Fwiw, doing something I found fulfilling helped my head brain a bit.