The German Guide to Arguing.

[Kai]

There's a Bavarian professor in my department. Originally from Munich, he moved to get his PhD, married a Canadian citizen, and ended up moving again to the US (his kids are tri-citizens, which is pretty cool, but irrelevant to this story).

Having spent many hours speaking with Germans, Canadians, and Americans, he found that our conversations are kind of broken, that the way we argue (or avoid arguing) is a bit unhealthy. Given my German heritage, I have been following his instruction in the German fine art of arguing, and have gleaned a few rules which may or may not be of interest. As I internalize these lessons, I am becoming less full of butthurt, and more prone to having fun.

1. Never take anything personally. In a German argument, insults are often thrown, people get excited, and it may seem outwardly that the interlocutors really hate each other. Do not be fooled! German arguments are almost always in the spirit of kind contentiousness. When a topic is exhausted, the discussion moves on, and there are no hard feelings. This is of course, opposed to the American spirit of argument, which is to wound, and the Canadian tendency to avoid argument all together. Arguing like a German should always be done in good spirits. If the situation truly gets nasty, you'll know because the talking stops.

2. Never intend anything personally. This goes with lesson one. When insults are intended to be personal, then you no longer have a German argument, you have a German fight, which, in contrast to arguing and similar to Discordia, is not nice at all.

3. Be quick to forgive incorrectness, and to correct when incorrect (i.e. give and take). When an argument becomes stuck in a circle, it stops being fun. If no one is willing to give in, to allow room for consideration, you have entered the American school of argument. Recommended actions are giving in, if even momentarily. Or just not arguing with this person in the future.

4. Go balls out. Part of the fun of German arguing is getting excited. Don't be afraid to raise your voice. And while keeping in mind lessons one and two, don't be afraid to throw insults. If it starts getting personal, then it's time to back things off. This is about having fun, not making enemies.

5. Surround yourself with people who know the German school of arguing. If the only people you argue with practice the American school, chances are they will take everything you say personally, even if (in the true spirit of German argument) you never intend it as so. Local pubs can be good for this, sometimes. Universities are often hotbeds of people trained in German argument. Put the two together, and you'll usually find at least one person to practice with. It also takes time and effort to master Lesson One, which is only possible in the presence of others trained in this art. There's no sign for the German school, and on the internet it can be even more difficult to feel this out, even for people with low autism ratings.

6. Mastery of the German school is difficult. Especially for Americans. We are so used to taking and giving offense, to digging our feet in and breaking up flow, or to the opposite, to backing out of any situation where things get heated. Practicing these lessons has added benefits as well: lower butthurt levels, higher fun levels, and stabilized stress levels.


Or, you know, we could all just attempt to wound each other until everyone stops talking.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Funny, when I do that, it's called "Being a dick."   

[Kai]

Funny, when I do that, it's called "Being a dick."   

Either you're intending it to be personal, or they're taking it personally. Or both.

[Junkenstein]

Interesting stuff Kai, thanks.

So, I need to find some Germans.

[Reginald Ret]

I finally have a name for my brand of discussion! Thanks!

[P3nT4gR4m]

Damn, the Scottish school of arguing seems to consist primarily of lesson 2 with personal insults being considered optional.

This opens up a whole new realm of possibility

[Golden Applesauce]

The best part of #1 is that it works even if nobody else is doing #2. Actively refusing to take things personally occasionally makes you wrong, but I've yet to encounter the situation where it's actually maladaptive.

[Junkenstein]

Damn, the Scottish school of arguing seems to consist primarily of lesson 2 with personal insults being considered optional.

This opens up a whole new realm of possibility

This is actually quite true. Most enjoyable arguments are with people who have got #1 and 3 down so there's hope for teaching some folk 4-6.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Okay, I'll give this a try. Still think I'm going to miss just charging in pre-emptively with a broken bottle but I'll do it. For science!