Dear Customer

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is a thread for all those conversations you wish you could have. You know the ones.

I'll start.

Dear Customer,

I was in the process of shipping the order that you placed this morning, and noticed that you requested that I get back to you on whether I could expedite your order and how much it would cost. I sent you the information you requested regarding shipping costs: $8 for Priority (1-3 days), $28 for Express (1-2 days), or no additional charge for the First Class (1-3 days) shipping that you already paid for, and am awaiting your response so that I can move forward with the shipping process. Your order, which would otherwise already be on its way to you, will be delayed while I wait for you to respond.

[Suu]

Dear Customer,

I provide a measurement worksheet for your knowledge. This is so when you take measurements for your clothing order, I can make the best possible fitting garment for your body. If you choose to neglect this worksheet and the measurements I receive are incorrect, I am not responsible for the fit. I asked you several times if you were absolutely sure that you had a 15" shoulder span with a 55" chest, and you swore up and down the measurements were correct, even after I told you that my shoulder span as a woman with a 42" chest span was 18". I cannot process a refund for you, in fact, I couldn't even resell this garment, because after your adamant attestation of the accuracy of these measurements, I just assumed you were badly deformed and stopped questioning the validity of them in the event it would lead to offense. Well, offense intended: You're an idiot.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Dear customer,

I understand you need this order urgently, as a matter of life and death but guess what? Surf's up - I got more important shit to attend to. Go fuck yourself!

Love and kisses,

P3nT

FTR: I delete this exact email and send a proper one in it's place at least twice a month

[Reginald Ret]

Dear Salesperson,

We are a shoe warehouse, not a hospital.
Cut it out with the ALL CAPS emails ad the multiple exclamation marks.
On a similar note: Not everything is urgent.
And another thing: I don't have time for all your special requests. There are about 10 salespersons and only one of me, i cannot possibly process 5 special requests a piece in addition to my normal tasks.

P.S. Learn to use the software, I'm sick of looking things up in the system that you have full access to.



Dear Bossman,

I want the same pay as the Salesidiots or I will stop explaining their jobs to them. Or at least pay me something close to what everybody else with this job gets. You know, like i have been promised several times now?

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Dear Customer,

When you place an order and we give you what you order, it isn't us you should be pissed at if it's wrong. We can only do what you tell us to do. We cannot stop you from being an idiot before you speak. For that you want Miss Cleo. Or a shiny can of Shut The Fuck Up soda, which we do not serve, being a Coca-Cola establishment. So sorry.

Pls die in a fire.

[Salty]

Dear Customer,

Stop touching my leg. It's actually not a part of the program. Think of this place as a strip club, with no nudity. Or lapdances. Or sexual gratification of any kind whatsoever. Mostly because I love my work, but also mostly because you're gross. I know how to hurt you, forever.

THX

P.S. OHYEAH. I touch you, you don't touch me.

[Dildo Argentino]

Dear Customer,

You know that deadline we agreed on?

It doesn't apply if you make "minor adjustments" (a set of convoluted changes equivalent to a 40% rewrite of the document) the day before it.

Regards,
Translator

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dear Customer,

No, oddly enough, I CAN'T make that set of beads in a larger size for the same price. Wait, that's not true... I CAN, I just WON'T.

[hooplala]

Dear Customer,

I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening.  I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.

The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun.  I always enjoyed that aspect of science.  However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE.  Light works that way, however, pigment does not. 

If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class.  So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school. 

signed,

An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dear Customer,

I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening.  I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.

The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun.  I always enjoyed that aspect of science.  However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE.  Light works that way, however, pigment does not. 

If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class.  So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school. 

signed,

An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You

so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.

[hooplala]

Dear Customer,

I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening.  I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.

The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun.  I always enjoyed that aspect of science.  However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE.  Light works that way, however, pigment does not. 

If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class.  So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school. 

signed,

An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You

so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.

That really happened, back in the year 2000.  I was flabbergasted.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dear Customer,

I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening.  I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.

The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun.  I always enjoyed that aspect of science.  However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE.  Light works that way, however, pigment does not. 

If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class.  So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school. 

signed,

An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You

so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.

That really happened, back in the year 2000.  I was flabbergasted.

Yep, that's pretty amazing. 

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Dear Customer,

If you are not willing to even look for the power button on the third-party printer you've used regularly for more than a year, I'm not going to help you get your computer to print with it.

You clearly stated that you understand you called a company that does not make printers—yet you still feel it should be my responsibility to know where the power button is on your one particular printer out of the thousands upon thousands of printers you may have. Fascinating.

To be perfectly honest, it didn't take me 20 minutes to circumvent our web filter to locate a diagram with the power button clearly indicated, but I'm glad you hung up on me when I came back on the line.

P.S. Your banging-on-the-printer routine was potentially funny, but you'll note that in Office Space the Michael Bolton character actually tried pressing some of the buttons first. Jesus fucking Christ.

[Count Chocula]

Dear Customer,

     I cannot tell you where the package you ordered from Mrs. Nigelson is without a USPS Tracking number. Maybe next time you should upgrade to Priority Mail which includes free USPS Tracking and $50 of insurance instead of opting for First Class. Or maybe you could have just paid the extra $.90 for a USPS Tracking Number on your First Class package.

How would I know where your package is? You do realize millions of packages are sent every day, right?

Yes, I can hold on.

Ma'am.... That tracking number has letters in it. USPS tracking numbers do not contain letters, unless it's Express Mail. You are giving me a UPS tracking number, maybe you should contact them, considering it's a different company and all.

I'm sorry, but I cannot help you unless you can provide a valid USPS Tracking number.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AINT PAYING FOR SHIT

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

    People.