For S.

[Sepia]

You were certain about the words when you spoke them loud for an audience for the first time, we saw in your eyes the possibility of changing the future, we felt that we could be behind the wheel in that yellow bus and we'd control it for the first time in our small lives, we would be deciding on when to turn left or right, when to stop and after a while we might have gone offpiste.

Down slopes and riding mesas, crashing with ourselves in every possible way, every possible direction. Our thoughts were with us the whole time, the thoughts we grew when we were still sitting in the back of the bus, clenching our fists and dreaming of a future where we wouldn't ride a bus like the future we dreamt about when we stood infront of the mirror with an electric razor, seeing it as a microphone and seeing as the tiles were superimposed over the crowds of people that were gathered here and we knew we had been born to deliver this speech, it was our fate to act as we had acted. Like we would act.

Like the words you would tell me, beautiful they were and I'd always wanted them to be like that, to be pretty like they were but still
rough, still containing a grain of truth, illusory or not and when you told me I was in doubt, paranoia crept in and settled on my spine like a baby falling prey to entropy, rotting and dying as the cancerous flesh grew around me but I saw you then

for the first time

I saw that you were very beautiful, that my words would come out garbled and probably true and I knew I had missed something, knew I had left something out, something that would torment me untill my days ended

yet you

You would not end, you would live your life even if I passed by in mine but I had been struck to the ground by the bolts of zeus or the fist heaving mighty mjølnir and there were no more plans, there was only improvization and I was left to myself for a while with your words and your meanings fading, an echo in my mind and like how nationalism grows the strongest in the hearts of those exiled, the echo grew and every night before I went to bed I would see your face and hear your voice, a führer of love coming to tell us all that it's ok to grow chaplin 'staches now

I wanted you to lie because I knew you were good at lying, you had that face with those eyes and you knew how to lie, how to lie well but we'd lie in bed and you'd torture me with your questions and I loved the sheer chaos of it, the feeling of an abyss close by tugging objects closer, not of will but simply of nature.
We were drunk then and we were high and there had been something else in those shots too and it was moving its way from our stomachs to our heads, from our heads to our hearts and from our hearts it escaped into words and we would tell the truth and I'd be stuck on you as I no longer remembered you as a human being but an echo, growing harder and heavier in my mind, gaining crescendo as you pinned me down and bit me on my upper lip and you asked would you kill for me would you die for me and I realized you didn't know me at all and that was so beautiful that I only answered

I'd live for you and words from there on grew more certain, they weren't rehearsed from a mirror, they were born from the sprawling chaos that of life which we always think is a hole in our soul but it was always because we didn't understand their function as we carried them in our hearts and in our brains and we got on the bus and watched the sun set over the mesas.

[Jenne]

"you had that face with those eyes and you knew how to lie"

fuck me running.  *fans self*