Suu's typical rant on how you should properly tip your waitstaff.

[Cain]

Steve Dublanica, who is quoted there, has a very funny book worth reading.

[Z³]

Just stumbled across this site, and figured it was worth posting here.

30 Secrets Your Waiter Will Never Tell You
http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/30-secrets-your-waiter-will-never-tell-you/article169699.html

Here's their 2 regarding tipping (hooray relevance!)

20. If you walk out with the slip you wrote the tip on and leave behind the blank one, the server gets nothing. It happens all the time, especially with people who've had a few bottles of wine.
—Judi Santana

21. If you say, "Don't worry—I'm a really good tipper," that always means you aren't.
—Chris

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

2. I have no choice, I work holidays. Thats the biz.

3. I smoke, not when I have tables, but I smoke. Also I cant smoke when I have tables, where does this guy work? Dennies?

4. Bartenders get paid to make drinks. You order them, they make them, I dont care.

5. I get to taste the soup, a lot. Besides that, I usually just get bread. If I eat family meal (cook food), I risk being yelled at.

6. We just microwave the same soup, but this is one of those things that risks you forming some kind of personal vendetta w/ your server. I dont really indulge in those impulses, but some people do.

7. Depends on where you go. At my job they will kiss ass for customers, and only on one very special occasion can I think of something bad happening to (a very prominent self important ass) someones food.

8. This one doesn't really make sense to me, I mean... Its not in character with the sort of place I would want to work or eat, however I do know that places do this. For example, Wheatfields ( a local chain) opened up a store downtown, they dont have enough space down there so apparently they pre-cook a lot of food at another location, and microwave it. Seriously. Anybody who knows anything wont eat there, but I dont think thats a lot of people anymore.

9. Same sort of thing as above. Seriously, are people this gullible?

10. Yeah. I used to keep a bottle of Ipecac on me when I was a bartender, but thats a different story.

11. Sometimes they're just looking for a quick exit so they can stiff you without looking you in the eye.

12. I dont really care about this bullshit, I fill waters, and I dont listen to you unless the words you say correspond to things on the menu. Professionally Aloof. Thats what waiters need to learn, its not personal, just be a fucking robot and do it... and learn the menu/wine-list.

13. When I was a bartender, I knew that the house made a killing off of liquor profits so I'd be more apt to hook up people who tipped well, and the people who would ask to be hooked up annoyed the shit out of me because they invariably never tipped well (and thus never got hooked up, fucking idiots.) As a waiter I dont have a lot of control over this aspect of business, but some waiters do, most dont.

14. We're always listening. Dont have conversations in restaurants if you dont want to be overheard.

15. Some variation of this douchebaggery seems to occur frequently, where I work people seem to know the owner... and then they always ask where he is. HE'S DOWNSTAIRS GETTING DRUNK AND LOOKING AT PORN

16. I wish this would happen to me.

17. Open Table is sweet.

18. I don't use my name, and its actually against the rules at my job, and I hate it when people ask my name. I am a faceless fucking automaton here to answer questions about the menu, bring you your bread/drinks, drop off your food, clean up after you, and tell you to have a nice evening. Thats basically it. We don't have a personal relationship.

19. I dont know, I mean, I might light something on fire.

20. I think people who do this do it on purpose, and if I ever see you on the street...

21. I dont believe anything you say.

22. I work at a french restaurant.

23. Depends on where you go, but yeah, a lot of places do this. Not nice places, like you can afford to eat at nice places.

24. Send it back right away, this is truth. Actually, if you're at a really shitty place, they'll probably get pissed and either fuck with your food or otherwise be bitches about it... and nice places they remake your food, they dont fuck with it, and they want you to come back. The big thing, no matter where you are, is how soon you catch it. If you realize they seriously fucked up your food, dont eat any more of it than you have to... wait until you get a chance, tell your waiter, or his boss, and show how they fucked up your food. If you eat it, you obviously wont get any comp.

Scammers are more common at the lower end, but food gets fucked up everywhere. Its not necessarily a big deal.

25. People drink smoothies?

26. This one seems really anal to me. If you're worried about people touching the things you eat/drink, why are you eating in a restaurant? I mean, I know that germs exist, and I even wash my hands... but... wow.

27. Good owners probably wont be around for you to talk to, thats why they hire managers... so they dont have to micromanage everything. None the less, you'd be fucking surprised how many people actively seek out comp even when nothing is wrong. Here is a tip, if you're going to tell them its inedible DONT EAT IT, THATS A CONTRA FUCKING DICTION, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. If you're food is fucked up, it will probably get fixed (almost anywhere), unless you're an asshole about it... in which case it it will get fixed, and nuts rubbed on it possibly.

28. Dont go out to eat, Bob Saget.

29. Idk, is my waiting experience going to get me any kind of good non-food-slave job? Probably not.

30. Aww, thats nice.

[Z³]

possible double post, I was just going to Edit/Correct teh part where i said "You are food" but now I think this is funny.
BRAAAINS.

[Bu🤠ns]

Anthony --what's his last name...the guy who eats all that gross food.... was on the  travel channel last night eating blowfish and something occurred to me...

I was thinking that if someone in the restaurant was qualified to serve blowfish, NOBODY will fuck with the staff.  But what is it, like 12 people in the country are certified to serve blowfish?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

You

are

an

idiot.

The damming of rivers is what has caused the depopulation of wild salmon- this is WELL fucking known and documented by everyone who works in salmon conservation. "Overfishing" is the cover story The Machine tells us to avoid having to actually do anything about it. And you, having bought the cover story and not bothered to think about it or do any research, are spreading the bullshit one tiny ripple further. AND you have the gall to call it "the Truth" as if you fucking know anything Fox news didn't tell you.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The thing about people with food allergies asking with each new dish irritated me because my best friend has a food allergy, and she does ask about every dish simply because if the chef or the server makes a mistake or forgets one time, IT WILL KILL HER. She once didn't think to ask about a "peanut" dish in the cafeteria at work because she assumed it was actually made with peanuts, but it turned out to be mixed chopped nuts and she went into anaphylactic shock in the cafeteria and had to spend the rest of the day in the ER. She's just damn lucky she works in a hospital, so she was already there when it happened. It's a little thing worth double-checking about.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also, farm salmon is gross. It has a strange texture and tastes odd.

[Z³]

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

You

are

an

idiot.

The damming of rivers is what has caused the depopulation of wild salmon- this is WELL fucking known and documented by everyone who works in salmon conservation. "Overfishing" is the cover story The Machine tells us to avoid having to actually do anything about it. And you, having bought the cover story and not bothered to think about it or do any research, are spreading the bullshit one tiny ripple further. AND you have the gall to call it "the Truth" as if you fucking know anything Fox news didn't tell you.

Wow that's harsh. I mean I may be wrong, but do you have to be a condescending ass about it?
Oh, and you cant really get anything but farm salmon here in Nebraska.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

You

are

an

idiot.

The damming of rivers is what has caused the depopulation of wild salmon- this is WELL fucking known and documented by everyone who works in salmon conservation. "Overfishing" is the cover story The Machine tells us to avoid having to actually do anything about it. And you, having bought the cover story and not bothered to think about it or do any research, are spreading the bullshit one tiny ripple further. AND you have the gall to call it "the Truth" as if you fucking know anything Fox news didn't tell you.

Wow that's harsh. I mean I may be wrong, but do you have to be a condescending ass about it?
Oh, and you cant really get anything but farm salmon here in Nebraska.

Maybe it was your condescending ass behavior that brought it on ("dick").

Naw.  Everyone's unreasonable but you.

[Z³]

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

You

are

an

idiot.

The damming of rivers is what has caused the depopulation of wild salmon- this is WELL fucking known and documented by everyone who works in salmon conservation. "Overfishing" is the cover story The Machine tells us to avoid having to actually do anything about it. And you, having bought the cover story and not bothered to think about it or do any research, are spreading the bullshit one tiny ripple further. AND you have the gall to call it "the Truth" as if you fucking know anything Fox news didn't tell you.

Wow that's harsh. I mean I may be wrong, but do you have to be a condescending ass about it?
Oh, and you cant really get anything but farm salmon here in Nebraska.

Maybe it was your condescending ass behavior that brought it on ("dick").

Naw.  Everyone's unreasonable but you.

Do you speak a language other than hostility?
If I'm wrong, which there is a good possibility of, I dont mind this being pointed out to me.
I do get sick of being dog-piled for tiny errors, Its the red-assed Baboon behavior that gets old pretty fast.

Also, its contrary to any sort of productivity. IF somebody is genuninely wrong, IE me, and you respond instantly with naked hostility... this will NOT change my opinion one iota, that sort of aggression is never going to change anybodies point of view, its just going to switch on fight or flight instincts and lock the brain down hardcore.

[East Coast Hustle]

woah there.

first of all, dude lives in Nebraska so dams aren't really something in the public eye and forefront of fishery conversation.

second of all, really? that much vitriol over some potential salmon misinformation?

also, it's absolutely true that outside of the PNW and the handful of major culinary destination cities in the US (Chicago, LA, NYC, Boston, the other Portland, DC) most of the time when you order "wild" salmon, what you're getting is almost certainly not wild salmon. Most of it comes from Scotland or Norway, is farm-raised, mis-labeled "organic", and is pawned off on unsuspecting customers at insanely inflated prices.

also also, I happen to know for a fact that Z3 doesn't take Fox News any more seriously than the rest of us.

ETA: Not that Z3 can't speak for himself or present his own defense perfectly well, but dude is my friend IRL so I'm gonna speak up if I think he's getting unfairly piled on.

I'd do the same for you, Nigel.

[East Coast Hustle]

The thing about people with food allergies asking with each new dish irritated me because my best friend has a food allergy, and she does ask about every dish simply because if the chef or the server makes a mistake or forgets one time, IT WILL KILL HER. She once didn't think to ask about a "peanut" dish in the cafeteria at work because she assumed it was actually made with peanuts, but it turned out to be mixed chopped nuts and she went into anaphylactic shock in the cafeteria and had to spend the rest of the day in the ER. She's just damn lucky she works in a hospital, so she was already there when it happened. It's a little thing worth double-checking about.

I'l get called a dick for this, I'm sure, but the reality is (and almost every chef I've ever know agrees with me on this point) that if you have a potentially deadly food allergy YOU SHOULD NOT BE EATING IN A RESTAURANT.

I got people all the time who were deadly allergic to shellfish, and wanted to know what was safe for them to eat.

In a seafood restaurant.

with a non-compartmentalized kitchen.

that specializes in lobster and local shellfish.

I always told them that they were more than welcome to bring their own food and eat at the table and have drinks and have a good time with their friends but FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR POSSIBLY ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER A MISPLACED PARTICLE OF CLAM YOU FUCKING ASSGOBBLERS.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

You

are

an

idiot.

The damming of rivers is what has caused the depopulation of wild salmon- this is WELL fucking known and documented by everyone who works in salmon conservation. "Overfishing" is the cover story The Machine tells us to avoid having to actually do anything about it. And you, having bought the cover story and not bothered to think about it or do any research, are spreading the bullshit one tiny ripple further. AND you have the gall to call it "the Truth" as if you fucking know anything Fox news didn't tell you.

Wow that's harsh. I mean I may be wrong, but do you have to be a condescending ass about it?
Oh, and you cant really get anything but farm salmon here in Nebraska.

Do you?

1: I tell people the truth. You're ok with any kind of steak, the fish is ok too, but if you're the kind of asshole that only eats wild salmon you're contributing to the depopulation of wild salmon, and you've probably never eaten wild salmon anyway (dick).

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The thing about people with food allergies asking with each new dish irritated me because my best friend has a food allergy, and she does ask about every dish simply because if the chef or the server makes a mistake or forgets one time, IT WILL KILL HER. She once didn't think to ask about a "peanut" dish in the cafeteria at work because she assumed it was actually made with peanuts, but it turned out to be mixed chopped nuts and she went into anaphylactic shock in the cafeteria and had to spend the rest of the day in the ER. She's just damn lucky she works in a hospital, so she was already there when it happened. It's a little thing worth double-checking about.

I'l get called a dick for this, I'm sure, but the reality is (and almost every chef I've ever know agrees with me on this point) that if you have a potentially deadly food allergy YOU SHOULD NOT BE EATING IN A RESTAURANT.

I got people all the time who were deadly allergic to shellfish, and wanted to know what was safe for them to eat.

In a seafood restaurant.

with a non-compartmentalized kitchen.

that specializes in lobster and local shellfish.

I always told them that they were more than welcome to bring their own food and eat at the table and have drinks and have a good time with their friends but FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR POSSIBLY ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER A MISPLACED PARTICLE OF CLAM YOU FUCKING ASSGOBBLERS.

That does seem completely retarded.

In my friend's case, she is taking a risk, sure, but for the most part pecans and walnuts are rarely-used enough that there are a lot of places she can safely eat. We go out to sushi a lot, and Thai. The dish she ordered was a Thai "peanut" dish and it didn't even occur to her that they might call chopped mixed nuts "peanuts".

I have another friend who is unfortunately very allergic to onion protein. I'm so, so glad I'm not her! That would kill me.

[East Coast Hustle]

man, I would pretty much starve to death if I were allergic to onions.