End Stache Abuse: Go Straight Edge

[Cramulus]

Hi Pee Dee. I've been noticing something recently, and because we're such good friends, I think I should bring it up. I mean, if I had something disgusting stuck in my teeth, I'd hope you'd be a good friend and let me know about it. So I want to tell you something and I'm not going to sugar coat it.

You're not the same board I used to know. You've changed, and it's a bad change.

Those changes include weight gain, recklessness, promiscuity, waking up in weird places, getting beat up and arrested. You also have a weird look on your face that reminds me of those zombie drug addicts you used to see in the vacant lot on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. Those people end up dead in the weeds.

I love you and I want to see you get back on track. This is hard for me to say, and it's going to be hard for both of us, but it's time to quit the 'stache. Your facial hair is getting out of control. It's not just affecting not your life, it's affecting all of us. You're not the same person when you're wearing a moustache, you become a mad with power. You get this look in your eyes, this insane fever, and it scares me.

We've had some good times. Everybody loves a stache now and then. It's a cheap ride. But it's getting out of control.

But I'm here for you. I'm going to help you get over this. Together, we can overcome the 'stache abuse.  You're going to need a straight edge razor, and then this can be done. Do you remember what it used to be like? What it was like to have a clean shaven face?



stand with me!
be strong!
overcome!

[LMNO]

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!



MAYBE IT'S YOU WHO HAS A PROBLEM, HUH?



I CAN SHAVE ANY TIME I WANT TO.


BRB, GOTTA GET MORE 'STACHE.

[Rumckle]

I'm sorry professor, but you've created a monster.

This epidemic of 'stache isn't going to cease just because you asked it to, even if you were the person who made it cool. It is out of control professor, and the ride and going to stop any time soon.

I'm sure you remember the days, back when the 'stache wasn't your life. Back when it was all about the lulz. Back when you were the original evangelical discordian. Back in the times of ballpipe^TM.

But life moves on. 'Stache is the way of the future. Much like Rage^TM was the future three years ago.

'Stache is the future Professor Cramulus.
You have professed it and we have listened.


Now where are those fucking diabetics?

[Doktor Howl]

Hi, I'm Dok Howl, and I'm a 'stache addict.  I've been clean for 4 years.

I lost everything because of 'stache.  My house, my family, my job...I even shaved my dog to death, just for that extra bit of fur...I don't even want to talk about my crazy glue bills, which plague me to this day.

But thanks to the Professor Cramulus' program, I am utterly bald from the neck up, and I'm rebuilding my life, one day at a time.  Sure, I have to live in a box out behind his house and sew garments all day, but isn't that (and the occasion trip to the airport to sell pamphlets) a small price to pay for deliverance from the nightmarish existence I had been dwelling in for all those years?

One day at a time.  One day at a time.  I'm NOT crying.

[Richter]

Oh, is this an intervention.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you all voer the sound of how AWESOME my Stache looks. 

Aren't you all fucking precious, sitting around my coffee table, all SERIOUS like.  How'd you get into my fucking house anyways?  Is it supposed to eb touchign or soemthing, that you've all coem together to glower at me like this? 

Are you all threatening me?  What are you going to do, hold me down and waxe my 'stache off against my will?  I'll grow back to it, and you can't stop that.  You know what I was BEFORE 'stache?  Before BEARD?  Jawless, weak looking, baby faced round.  Not anymore.  I've got this god- given hair barrier between myself and the world. 

Could I be strong without BEARD or 'stache?  No.  I'm fine with my furry symbiote, my chin - tribble of mightyness.  Together with my balls, I cannot be stopped.

Oh cute, you're going to bar the door now?  force me to choose between hurting my friends or lsitening to them?  Fucking emotional terroroists.  You can't handle even BEING near my stache, jealous pricks.  I'll show you though.  I'll show you ALL.  I'll STACHE my way out through the fuckign sheetrock jsut like TH.......

[Elder Iptuous]

Hello, I'm Iptuous, and i'm a 'stache addict, too.
i'm just about to get my one year chip.
but.....
i keep some 'stache in a box.
it's in my computer room.
it's old and kinda falling apart.  pretty gross, actually.
but i can't get rid of it.  i just can't....
one time, i pulled it out of the box and held it in my hands and stared at it for a while....  a little bit of the wax in it got washed away from me crying on it.
i almost broke.
but just as i was lifting up to put it under my nose, an hand caught my arm.  startled, i turned around to see my loving wife.  the pleading look in her face sank my heart like a torpedo.  the 'stache fell to the floor as i sobbed on her shoulder.  Thank god for her...

i still have it.  even after that i can't get rid of the last bit of 'stache....
someday, maybe i'll be strong enough to make that jump.  until then, i'm glad i have you guys, and my wonderful wife to support me in my moments of weakness....

thanks.

[Jasper]

I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check.  I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.

[Cramulus]

I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check.  I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.

if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?

[Doktor Howl]

I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check.  I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.

if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?

JUST ONE MORE RIDE

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

What was that? You're jealous of my bitchin' porn stache? Yeah, I don't blame you. It truly is a magnificent lipmane. I'm gonna stache till the day I die.

AtD,
Knows his problem isn't a problem at all.

[Jasper]

I may be on 3 counts of possession with intent to sell rides, but I keep my habit in check.  I've got this under control, although I really appreciate the concern.

if you can quit at any time, and you're in control of your stache, why don't you shave now? It's not a big deal, right?

Because...then I would have to grow a new one.  The one I'm working on is so sweet man, sometimes it curls around my lips when I smile, the effect is pretty hilarious but I was starting to accidentally eat the ends so I trimmed it a bit, but it'll be back. 

...Wait, were we talking about something else?  Man I love my 'stache.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You know, I am going to come right out and say it.

I love 'stache. I love it and I can't get enough of it and I don't want to change.

Some people might look down on me for it, say I'm immoral or weak or without virtue, but a day without the dream - yea, even the dream - of burrowing under some hot 'stache action like a tiny owl hooting her mating call is a day not worth being alive for.

I keep 'stache wax on my desk, and sometimes I sniff it. Just for a fix.

[LMNO]

Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.

I actually used to hoot the mating call of the burrowing owl when I went in to kiss Mario.

It sounds like this:

http://www.owlpages.com/owls.php?genus=Athene&species=cunicularia

[Freeky]

Incidentally, your "tiny owl hooting" riff makes my pants tight.

I actually used to hoot the mating call of the burrowing owl when I went in to kiss Mario.

It sounds like this:

http://www.owlpages.com/sounds/Athene-cunicularia-2.mp3

That's hilariously adorable...