We in Tucson would like to point out to you Americans that your president is insane and your shit is fucked. You have a Nazi infestation and you should maybe do something about that.
Here in Tucson, it's still 1962 and Neil Sedaka is still president and breaking up is hard to do.
That being said, we in the Tucson Irregulars have some advice for those of you stuck in your post-republic hellhole.
1. Forget what it means to be human. Do whatever you have to do to stay off the trains.
2. Keep your uniform well-pressed. Slovenliness will attract the eye of your superiors.
3. Don't be Gay or brown. If at all possible, be male.
4. Practice these phrases: "I am a patriot," and "I have a personal relationship with Jesus," and "If you don't like it, go somewhere else."
5. Crying after sex is normal. I mean, it's normal for *you* right *now*.
6. Prepare for the notion that the next blackout may be the new normal.