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Topics - Doktor Howl

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1
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/the-fastest-sinking-city-in-the-world/ar-BBLSR8W?ocid=spartanntp

I'm not gonna quote this, because I don't want to spoil the sense of alarm and dismay that it will impart on you people.

Also, it's worth noting that more groundwater is extracted by Nestle in Michigan than Jakarta's population uses.

Also, note that Jakarta's actual water system can only keep up with 40% of the city's draw.  Lastly, wells in a mega-urban environment, as a primary source of drinking water. 

:horrormirth:

2
Apple Talk / MOVED: The Space Force
« on: August 10, 2018, 04:20:54 am »

3
Apple Talk / A Rare Moment of Introspection
« on: August 09, 2018, 08:07:21 pm »
What if, hypothetically-speaking, all the things I believed about myself weren't true at all?  What if all the personal reconstruction I've been working on since 2002 or so just left me dumb in a different way?  180 degrees different from the dumbasses, but 360 degrees the same?  For all I know, it is impossible to actually be a feminist if you're a guy or an "ally" if you're straight (not that I will claim or admit to being anyone's ally).  You might THINK you are, but do the women or Gays or blacks or whatnot think of you that way?  Or are you coming across as just another fetishist of their culture?

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of years.  I have not yet reached a conclusion.  Or rather, I have, but then events arrange for me to discard that conclusion and start all over again.  But in the meantime, I have to know how to act, so that I don't accidentally turn into something I don't want to be.  And the way I act is, "follow a set of principles, even if some or many or even MOST of the people involved mean absolutely nothing at all to me."  As an interim solution, at least.  I don't like 99% of the people I meet, but I like watching people punch down even LESS than I like the person being punched.  I am essentially just a really, really disappointed Catholic, at least figuratively speaking.

For example, if I were to see a half dozen po'buckers hassling a transgender person, I'm going to step in, even if it means getting my ass kicked (only in Jackie Chan flicks do 2 people beat 6 people in a fight).  I hate the po'buckers and I hate their victim on account of all 7 people are stupid jumped-up primates on a 3rd rate planet around a mediocre star, but if you added up that hate, it would pale in comparison to my hatred of the idea of six people attacking one person for stupid fucking reasons and/or behavior that doesn't affect the po'buckers in the slightest.  And THAT hate pales next to my hate of 6 Goddamn primates suddenly deciding that they are brave because they have 6:1 odds, when alone they would be your bog-standard gutless wonder wearing a MAGA hat in the unemployment line. For similar reasons, I hate most cops.  Especially right now.

I hate cowards.  That's what it really boils down to.  There have been many times in my life that I've wanted to fuck someone up real bad, but have declined to do so because they are smaller than me or much older than me or just plain stupid drunk.  They were not worthy targets.  Not because I am a saint (I am not), nor because I'm the baddest motherfucker on the block (I am old and my bones are made out of glass), but because I have an aversion to mob psychology and the notion of looking in the mirror and seeing something small.

This has led me to do some truly stupid shit over the years and will probably get me killed some day...But we're all gonna die sooner or later, and why not go down swinging? In any case, don't mistake principle for loyalty...If I jump into a fight or even just an internet debate on your side, it's most likely not because I'm your pal.

Another thing I have been thinking about, and it's somewhat connected is "How do I know that my 'rationality' really IS rationality, and not just a different brand of dumbassery like Trumpsters and chemtrail freaks?  I mean, dumbasses don't know they're dumbasses...which is one of the things that makes them dumbasses. I know that I believe loads of things that just aren't so, but how important are all of those things?  Does my dumbassery screw up my priortities, or is it really just occasional mind garbage?

At this point, at least three people I know of are going to jump in to tell me WHAT.  Save your breath...I don't take advice from people that hate me.  I am at least that rational.  I don't have any use for criticism from people who think I am less than human.  Neither should you, so shut up.

Lastly, does this monstrous ego make my ass look big?  Because that's a thing, too.


4
Apple Talk / Why even physics is dumb and SHUT UP.
« on: August 08, 2018, 11:29:41 pm »
Okay, according to Newton, if you drop a silver dollar out of your car window, it falls in a straight line.

According to Einstein, if you drop a silver dollar out of your car, you observe it fall in a straight line and a pedestrian walking by watches it fall in a parabolic arc, and both people are correct.

According to Doktor Howl, you're dropping money out the window and you should stop.  If the above named assholes were so smart, why does this have to be explained?



5
Aneristic Illusions / 2018 Elections fread: A Blue Wave of Failure
« on: August 08, 2018, 05:07:35 pm »
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/winners-and-losers-from-tuesday’s-elections/ar-BBLElqJ?ocid=spartanntp

First guesses on non-certified primary results.  Sanders and Ocasio's endorsements don't look that great, neither do Trump's.

6
Apple Talk / My Meeting with LMNO
« on: July 27, 2018, 07:23:11 pm »
I was having some trouble getting the reforecast to make sense this year.  Nothing seemed to add up, and the board was starting to make ominous rumbling noises.  In the old days I would have just laughed and gone back to work, but everything is different now...So I made the call.

When I arrived, LMNO looked pretty good.  I asked him how he was doing.

"Never mind, Dok, we don't have a lot of time.  I have a one o'clock with the Sultan of Brunei. Open your laptop and let's see what you have."

I sat down and fired up the machine, and opened the excel file.  He gazed at it for a few moments.

"I see your problem.  The numbers are right, but you're only looking at them in two dimensions.  Remember back in calc, when they showed you that a line that crosses over itself can still be a function, if it's looked at as a 3-dimensional image?"

"Yeah.  Taylor polynomial shit.  Amazing at first, but they have you run so many it becomes tedious."

"That is to weed out the dilletantes.  People who aren't serious about the language of creation."

"Um..."

He hit pivot table and rendered it in 3D.  Suddenly, all the projections made perfect sense.

"Wow, thanks, LMNO!"

"We're not done yet.  We are now looking at a graph that has 3 axis that are all perpendicular to each other.  That shows you the present and lets you guess at the future.  To SEE the future, we need to add another perpendicular axis."

"You can't.  No further axis are possible."

"Heh.  Zygote."  He added another axis.

Everything, the whole room, outside the windows, I mean everything spun away.  The graph became a shape that my eyes couldn't process, but I KNEW.  In the spaces between the plotted points, the face of Moloch gazed upon me.

"OH, SWEET JESUS, YOU DO WORSHIP MOLOCH!" I gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous," LMNO said, "We don't worship him.  He's just another market force, like Dagon or what used to be Jehovah."

His eyes were bleeding.  So were mine. I could see the absolute ruin predicted by my reforecast, both for the fiscal year, but also for the following 14 trillion years, until all that was displayed was a universe of atoms too far away from each other to interact.

"Don't look that far along the T axis," he said, "There are no deliverables there."

I scrolled 14 trillion years back to the 0 point.  And I saw all of my political enemies' dirty little secrets, the cheap affairs, the sordid betrayals, the petty embezzlements.

"I understand now, LMNO."

"I knew you would," he said, shaking my hand.  "Welcome to the Old Firm.  We're going to do Great Things."

And nobody ever stopped screaming again.

7
Apple Talk / Anonymous PM responses, 2018 Edition
« on: July 24, 2018, 11:35:51 pm »
(Note:  Usual rules.  Also, I have not, and will not, respond to any PMs concerning Nigel or any other facet of the Great Seriousness of 2015, so all of you vultures shut up.)

1.  Look, why can't you perverts have NORMAL degenerate fantasies, instead of ones involving LMNO and me and ground beef?  I don't fucking get it.  We are no longer young and pretty.  We wheeze when we walk and we sometimes spring leaks like that asshole Charley did, only not out of that particular orifice.  Mostly.  And no, "Meatbomb" is a lousy name for a porno.  There's no stale wit.  It will never sell.

2.  Okay, let me ask you this:  Precisely how long does word salad stay interesting?  How many times am I expected to snort laughter at the phrase "consult your pineal gland"?  As for the rest of it, most of your posts are like a pizza slicer...All edge, no point.  It's not interesting, and it makes everyone feel kinda weird in a bad way, like if you were at a high class cocktail party and that unfunny asshole from Mad TV showed up and started acting like a profoundly damaged 5 year old.

3.  I wasn't aware there was an Official Discordian™ opinion on Bernie Sanders.  It of course bothers me to no end that I cannot comply with this official position.  I hate Sanders, and I hate his fans.  Wait. Scratch that, I don't actually hate HIM, but I DO hate YOU.  He is a goofy old man who for some reason has become famous; you are a cultist, and in the WRONG cult.  It doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, either, because neither result matters.  They™ own the ball AND the ballpark, and here you are demanding a perfect world or no world at all.  I shit on all of you.  Seriously, it's really hard to put into words how much I hate all of you.  Every last stinking primate.  Oh, Goddammit.

4.  Yes, I know that I am Greyface.  But you don't have to shout it all over the place.  I mean, I don't make fun of your mom...uh, wait.  Scratch that.  I am making fun of her right now.  She makes stupid kids.

5.  I appreciate the offer, but that's not legal in this state and I am no longer that flexible.  You should have seen me back in the day, though.  I could have packed the seats in Tijuana.

6.  You cad.  I feel ever so motivated to give you a right thrashing, I am so very incensed, yet my carpet whisk is bent from the last time and I am not prepared to step up to a baseball bat just yet, as I still harbor some minute hope that you will snap to and allow a gentleman to read his bug pron in peace again. Please give my proposal serious consideration and forestall my alternate plan of pouring lye into your food. Thanks ever so. 

7.  ECH had a kid and is busy, Triple Zero joined some bizarre Norwegian cult, Faust still haunts the place, Cain has been laughing for a year non-stop, LMNO drops in once a week, TGRR died of gout, and I don't feel very well.  We still don't want you to come back.  Because we hate you.  And we hate you because you EARNED that hate.  You WORKED for it.  You went OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY to gain it.  But we're just pixels on a screen or something like that, so why do you care?

8.  I agree that I am being unreasonable about Kai and Charley and all those other fuckos.  But I've been unreasonable about them for like FOUR YEARS and suddenly NOW it's worth remarking on?  Jesus H Christ, is this supposed to be old home week or some shit?  Fuck right off with your nonsense.  There are only two possible relationships with Charley...You are his sycophant or you are HIS MOST MORTAL ENEMY EVERRRRRRRRR.  Guess which one I am?  And why is this suddenly coming up again?  Seriously, I feel like I'm having a stroke over here.

9.  Oh, you found me from FB and you're accusing me of plagiarizing myself?  Stealing my own content?  Okay, explain.  This shit I gotta hear.  I mean, yeah, it's cock & repost, but it's MY cock & repost and I can do whatever I like with it.  If it makes you feel less special that the vitriol I dumped on your feet wasn't originally and specifically written for YOU, then please get with ECH to arrange a refund.  He's a reasonable man.

10.  I cannot be held responsible for whatever it is that "Miley Spears" is writing about me over on the subgenius wiki "she" stole.  Hint for the clueless:  Everyone in the "Loveshade family" IS Arden Loveshade.  In the pics he himself has published about his "family" (read: cult), there are exactly TWO people portrayed.  Arden the pedo and some homeless ancient beardo.  Everyone you see writing on that wiki is a handle for one crazy dude from Dallas.  Not the good kinda crazy, either.  More like the "there's a bag over your head and you can smell lighter fluid" crazy.  So next time you feel like kicking the door down and demanding answers, check out his "Discordia for Kids" page and just eat a shotgun.  Love & kisses.

9
Apple Talk / Only Human
« on: July 19, 2018, 04:43:32 pm »
I hear this all the time:  "I'm only human, I'm going to make mistakes."  And, you know, I'd be on board with that except that humans keep making the same mistake over and over again, until one day there's a "heat dome" over half the country, your water is poisonous, and treason pours out of your TV set and stains the carpet. 

Let me put this another way...If you had a guy working for you that day after day made the exact same mistake and ruined product or drove away customers, and no matter how many times you retrained him, he kept doing it, what would you do?  Yeah, that's right.  You'd let him go.  You'd take him aside and quietly explain that this isn't his line of work and he should try something else, somewhere else.  All I am proposing is that we fire the humans.  Tell them to pack up their shit and get out.  I mean, what do we have to lose?  The same silly bastards proposing tax cuts every shift?  Some dumb fucking orange colostomy bag starting trade wars for reasons that even he cannot properly explain? 

Look, I know that humans are cute and can sometimes be funny.  You can almost make yourself believe that they're people, given enough exposure, so it's like deciding to take Old Yeller in for the blue needle.  You might even cry a bit, and that's okay.  But you have to remember that Old Yeller has rabies and keeping him around isn't doing him or anyone else any favors.  Same with humans.  Keeping them around out of sentimentality is really a form of selfish cruelty.  You didn't even neuter them, for God's sake.  There's like 7.6 billion of them. 

It's going to be a busy afternoon, the day you finally decide to clean up this mess, and waiting isn't going to make it go any faster.

10
Apple Talk / The *REAL* Crime of this Year
« on: July 18, 2018, 05:14:43 pm »
This fucking coffee.  It is a national disgrace.  It is a microcosm of everything that's been done to the little guy since 1975.  It tastes like the Iran hostage crisis and the embargo, and it was purchased by the same sort of people that thought the Iran/Contra deal was a fantastic idea.  This shit-in-a-mug makes me want to drone-bomb Juan Valdez and his Goddamn burro.  It makes me hate the flag.  It makes me hate this country, the United States of America.  It makes me hate cops.  It makes me hate ALL WHITE PEOPLE.

I try not to be inflammatory, and I know I have mentioned this all before.  But I am just trying to explain myself; to cry out to the world about the terrible things that have been done to me in the name of "economy".

11
Apple Talk / I was that sort of person.
« on: July 17, 2018, 07:13:49 pm »
There was a time in which I would cheerfully drive down Interstate 10 at 53 MPH in the fast lane, with my right turn signal on for 5 miles.  This was to watch peoples' faces in my rear view mirror, as they went from mild annoyance to mindless rage to homicidal mania.  I would occasionally laboriously count my change at the grocery store at 1 PM on national holidays, when there's like sixty people behind me in line, all of whom were late for their family BBQs or whatever the hell it is that Those People do when they're not at work.

At that time in my life, I would cut up old Newport cigarette packs into 3/8" squares and sell them as acid at Grateful Dead shows for $4 per "hit".  Caveat emptor, assholes, I'm just doin' business the American Way™.  I was a full-fledged member of the Night Crew, and one of my guys ran over someone's tiny home with a 5 ton truck.  See, hippie?  Now you're really "off the grid."

My respect for law and order extended only as far as the ability of the police to track down whomever it was doing whatever horrible things got done that day.  My neighbors cursed my name, and called to police on every party I ever threw.  Which is one reason I invited the mayor to all of my parties.  The other reason is that he became a maniac when you poured rum down him, and he would frequently leave by running naked across the golf course, screaming out how much he hated all of his constituents.

I was that sort of person.

However, thanks to a lot of help from people who were my friends and good advice from well-intentioned folks, I am now a totally different sort of person.  Now instead of foolishly flaunting the law, I USE the law.  Instead of making their lives hell on the highway, I inflict the world on them at the workplace.  Instead of throwing drunken parties, I help stupid people enhance their core competencies.  Instead of doing outrageous things out of a Road Warrior flick, I inspire people to long for a post-apocalypse nightmare.

You should have left well enough alone.

Or Kill me

12
Apple Talk / This Isn't How Any of That Works.
« on: July 16, 2018, 09:56:58 pm »
YES, I *DO* HAVE TO YELL.  Yes, I know you're RIGHT THERE, and I *shouldn't* have to raise my voice.  But you have been spoken to by calm and reasonable people, and you still continue with your monkey bullshit.  You have been told and you have been warned and there you are, still buying The Machine's™ shrink-wrapped product, which is to say "political outsiders are preferable to career politicians."  This is akin to saying you'd like to have a house painter handle your taxes and your investments, because by gosh that bastard can paint like a champ.

I don't think you were paying attention.  Hence the yelling.

Or maybe you're one of those other bastards, who won't shut up about the medical benefits of eating kale or maybe huffing lavender oil.  I have news for you.  People have been using lavender oil in whorehouses since the 1500s, and nobody got any healthier.  Yes, I KNOW that Big Pharma are a pack of bandits, but that fact DOESN'T INVALIDATE BIOCHEMISTRY.  This may all sound like mansplaining, only most of the biochemists I know happen to be women, and also the fact that the universe is binary as hell, often fatally so.  I don't mean it's gendered binary, that's fucking goofy, the universe has no gender.  But it IS binary.  It is yes and it is NO1.  NO, kale will not make your lymphoma go away.  NO, lavender oil will not cure you of allergies.  NO, chlorine and fluoride properly injected into your drinking water will not hurt you, but YES drinking raw water will fuck your shit sideways.  NO, vaccines will not give you the autism.  YES, chemtrails are just condensation.

It pains me that I have to explain this to a population that used to be spacefaring, not so long ago.

I should also have to explain that magic - not stage magic, mind you - but "actual" magic doesn't work.  Friday the 13th is just another day.  Mercury in retrograde means NOTHING AT ALL.  There is no "undocumented persons crisis", and there never really was one.  Nor was there a credible terrorist threat after noon of September 11th, 2001.

You are told that all of these things are true by people who have a VESTED INTEREST in having you believe ANYTHING other than ACTUAL REALITY.  Sometimes not directly.  You may have in fact been told that huffing essential oils is a thing by some other hippie, but that hippie heard it from someone else.  Gwynneth Paltrow, maybe, for an obvious reason.  Or maybe the Koch Brothers, for totally different reasons.  Or maybe - PROBABLY - *both*.

The reason this sort of shit is easy to sell to otherwise intelligent people is that it rewards the receiver in 3 ways:

1.  They get to know more than you and tell you WHAT, without all the bother of going to medical school.

2.  They get to feel like an "insider", like one of the cool people, the privileged few that know the REAL truth.  More to the point, they can congregate and get validation off of each other.

3.  They can sneer at the mundanes who still believe in bacteriophages and other actual, functional things.

This is why I hate you.  This is why I should be allowed to walk around with a 2 foot dildo with "reality" written on it, thumping hipsters.  Yes, "beaten to death with a dildo" sounds awful when the police have to explain what happened to precious Dakota or Scout or whatever the fuck Gen X named their kids, but there really isn't any choice.  When looked at from altitude, it's clearly self-defense.

I mean, just look at You People.



1 Shut up, LMNO.  We're not talking about subatomic particles, here, so just SHUT YOUR NON-MUSTACHIOED FACE.

13
Apple Talk / Back in FB Jail.
« on: July 14, 2018, 12:49:20 am »
:lulz:

This time I think it's for good.

14
Apple Talk / Son of a Bitch, Bunky, what is it THIS TIME?
« on: July 12, 2018, 07:05:53 pm »
What's that, Bunky?  You say that you just wanted things to slow down?  Not change so fast?  You feel like America is passing you by in favor of cheaper (and more reliable) Mexican models?  You're not racist BUT you feel as if our culture is eroding?  You're not racist BUT they should fill out the paperwork?  You didn't expect things to get quite this crazy, you just wanted to tell those Goddamn liberals a thing or two? You were in fact concerned about her emails and maybe she'd get us in a war or something, so you MAGAed or Brexited or ran off and attended Milo Yopolopolis rallies?

Why is it, Bunky, that every time you fuck the world up, you come to me for absolution?  I can't give you that, and I wouldn't if I could.  I don't like you, Bunky.  You are a bad person.  Besides, you have to repent to get absolution, and you can't seem to actually bring yourself to do that.  You're mush-mouthing excuses for kiddie concentration camps and trade wars and breaking up NATO and and and...

No, Bunky, this time I can't tell you that it's going to be okay.  It is in fact against my religion to tell people it's okay when you know that they're doomed.

I didn't catch that last bit, Bunky.  You say that out-of-campaign political rallies are making you just a little bit nervous?  That weird rant about Elton John's organ made you feel like maybe the president might be losing his grip just a little bit?  Don't worry, Bunky, he was technically correct.  Elton John has an organ, but he plays a piano.  As for the rest of that "speech", if his cocaine-fueled 3 AM tweets didn't bother you, why would a minute or two of absolute word salad at the podium?

This is what you asked for, Bunky.  This is in fact what you demanded, what you SCREAMED for in 2016.  And now you're upset because he's doing exactly what he said he was going to do?  You think that your friends are dodging you because they somehow got it into their heads that you're a racist and you're NOT a racist BUT...

Fuck you, Bunky.  Fuck you right in the heart.  In your rage that a black president got elected and reelected, you have moved us back to 1930.  Not just those darn dirty liberals either, but also your mom, your sister, your wife, your daughters. That one hispanic guy you know at work.  Your token black friend.  This is what you have done.

Now piss off, Bunky, and stop bothering me.  The next time I see you, I'm going to beat you with a piece of rebar and throw you into traffic.  Asshole.

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