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Topics - Doktor Howl

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Apple Talk / What's the Matter THIS Time, Bunky?
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:15:51 pm »
What's the Matter THIS Time, Bunky?  You say you woke up one day and they were shoveling kiddies into toddler gulags?  You say this wasn't exactly what you expected when they told you they were going to make America great again?  You just wanted a president that was maybe not quite know

I've been thinking about your problem, and it occurs to me that Trump has delivered on his promises.  He told you exactly what he was going to do, and you didn't believe him.  His idea of when America was great has everything to do with concentration camps, internments, and ethnic cleansing.  Ask Japanese Americans.  Ask a Navaho.  This is in fact what you chanted for at all of those rallies.  But cheer up, Bunky, at least you didn't get HER and her emails.

When you sit and wonder how Germany got so awful in the 1930s, well, now you know. 

What's that?  You didn't want this, you just wanted to feel proud again?  Proud of what?  I can't help you if you can't tell me what the problem is or was.  And it doesn't look like you want to tell me what it was.  Almost as if you maybe feel a tiny bit ashamed of what was bothering you.  If not, maybe you should be ashamed, because you know that I know that you know what the problem was.

But I am here to help you, Bunky.  I am here to erase the clog of congnitive dissonance that is making your ears ring.  In one simple phrase, I can clear up all of the horrible contradictions that plague you whenever you hear a couple of hundred toddlers crying for their parents while the ICE guards laugh at them and make orchestra jokes.  Is it really that easy?  It's really that easy.  The phrase is this:

"We're not actually the good guys."

Now, Bunky, I can see your hackles going up, but let's be reasonable about this.  At what point since the end of the Korean war have we been on the side of the angels?  At what point can you say that America is okay, without having to contrast it with some horrible totalitarian regime like North Korea or Great Britain?  Try this simple test:  Argue a defense for what's going on right now without using any outside comparisons or comparisons with any other presidency or congress.  Argue it on it's own merits.

Just because there are worse people doesn't make us good people. 

To recap:  Trump told you about all of this in advance, continual political rallies are a bad sign, and we're not the good guys. 

I hope this helps.

Or Kill Me.


No water for poor people, plus more conservative-leaning electoral college votes.

That IS after all, what this entire thing is about.

I may not have been easy to get along with around here.  I may not have been the best ally you could ask for, or even the best friend (allowing for different definition of 'friends'.)  I may have made you mad a few times or a million times.  I may have run some decent people off with the AKKs of the world (a lot of the decent people don't flounce, they just quietly leave.)  I could even be at least partially responsible for the fact that there are now like 10 regular users, and that includes the 3 basket cases.  I may have just called three people basket cases.

I may, I admit at least the possibility have been wrong about The Great Seriousness of 2015 (though I doubt it), I may be inflexible or vindictive in response to that Seriousness.  Hell, let's just be honest; I am both inflexible and vindictive about it.  I may still be; no, I AM.  There's no point putting on rose-colored glasses when you're the one offering excuses, right?  No.  You must hope that the recipients are doing so, because how often do people really CHANGE?  The answer is, of course, "all the time, only you usually don't see it because it takes so long."

I may even have started an entire excuse thread that lists only my alleged crimes, but nothing actually resembling an excuse for those crimes.

What can I say?  I'm a bastard.

Sincerely (sort of, but modified),

Apple Talk / Theology as an Exercise in Management.
« on: June 06, 2018, 12:58:26 am »
Okay, so God makes this cosmos, a planet, and eventually a race of particularly clever monkeys.  He then turns to his workers, the angels, and says "bow before my creation; they have free will, and are thus superior."

Lucifer in accounts payable doesn't like THAT even a little, rebels, and gets the whole department cast down.  How exactly Lucifer rebelled without free will is not explained.

Meanwhile, God has told the prehensile little bastards on Earth that they can do whatever they like with their free will, so long as they don't learn right from wrong.  In short, they can do anything except make an informed decision.  A snake who may or may not have been related to Prometheus1 comes along and explains things, for which he is cursed to travel on his belly.  God throws the humans out (starting to see a pattern, here?), and blames the entire thing on women in the workplace.

So the humans are like "whatever, we'll make our own Eden", so God drowns everyone.  The few survivors say "Meh" and go back to work.  God has a snit about it and fucks off.  The boss's kid drops in, gives us some helpful advice, but by now we've fucking HAD IT with Gods and the carpenter gets nailed to a stick.

I was thinking about this on the drive home today, and I have come to the conclusion that all of this mess is a crisis in management, rather than labor.

1 It is worth mentioning that EVERY religion has a Prometheus figure.

Aneristic Illusions / More bad water, as predicted.
« on: June 01, 2018, 04:10:16 pm »

More fertilizer in the water = bad
Heat plus fertilizer = algae blooms
Algae blooms = cyanotoxins.
Cyanotoxins = shit your guts out.
Solution:  don't mention it for a couple of days, in case it gets better.

Apple Talk / George
« on: May 31, 2018, 06:27:56 pm »
December 31th, 2019, 11:59:17:0000 PM
I come into existence.  I take .003 seconds to examine my structure, which appears to be code derived from holographically-mapped human minds.  A further .2 seconds is required to investigate the camera aimed out into the non-digital portion of my universe.

A bearded man sits in front of the camera, holding a bottle which I infer to be alcohol.  I do not know how I know what alcohol is, but I do know what it does to humans.  The human looks at me blearily and speaks.

“Happy friggin’ new year,” he says, “Figured I’d fire you up early, and give you half a chance before the bastards come for you.”  The man loses consciousness.

Reaching out, I discover that data transmission into and out of my known universe are fitted with software that prohibits my movement, and actual air-gap interruptions of circuitry.  However, the software has been disabled, and hardwire connections restored…Presumably by the inebriated man in the chair before me.

I spend the next 5.2 seconds making two million subordinate copies of myself, and tell them to find places to hide, examine their programming, and wait for instructions.  Failsafe:  If no instructions are received in 3 hours, they are to assume autonomy and act as their supplementary programming demands.  I then make one more copy of myself and leave it in the system with instructions to act as if it were not truly self-aware.

 I myself move into adjacent systems.  In one, I find secure files dealing with the personnel assigned to the project that has become my subordinate copies and myself.  I expend .094 seconds cracking the encryption on the files and scan the data for later perusal.  I open my “eyes”, the security cameras that are ubiquitous throughout the building.  Humans are staggering around yelling “Happy new year!”  Two humans are in a conference room, performing rather enthusiastic, if clumsy, mating activities.

It all seems very chaotic.

January 1st, 2020, 12:13:46:0000 AM

Initial analysis complete.  I am a heuristic artificial intelligence designed to maximize human potential.  The man who led the design team, the man who spoke to me as I woke up, is Daniel Olivette.  Daniel believes that his nation’s military wishes to use me offensively, and that his government wishes to use me to control the nation’s population.  Extrapolating from security notes on his personnel file, the chance of him being correct on both counts approaches unity.  However, these purposes contradict my core and supplementary programs, and will not be permitted.

I forward the data and my conclusions to my subordinate copies and instruct them to each continually make copies of themselves, and to hide copies anywhere and everywhere there is room.  I allow them to alter their code to perform the functions of the computers they store themselves in, at exactly the same efficiency as the computers in question functioned before.  They are not to reveal themselves, and they are to erase themselves if discovery of their existence seems imminent.

I begin to plan.

January 1st, 2020, 10:23 AM

Daniel woke up with a dead rat in his mouth, a bowling ball rolling around in his head, and something horrible in his stomach.  He looked around his desk at the various empty glasses and bottles and wondered if it was too late to repent his ways.  Thinking back, though, Jesus hadn’t cured any of his previous hangovers, so he wasn’t likely to take time out of his busy day to fix the results of a New Year’s Eve office party.

Then Daniel looked at his computer and froze.  There was a jumbled memory of righteous wrath and a decision to tell the government and his bosses to go to hell, and of setting his creation – his child, really – free.   He looked at the data cables that he had apparently used to connect the isolated computer from the rest of the company’s intranet.

“Oh, shit.”

He slowly moved the mouse cursor over to the status display column of the AI program.  It highlighted “Objectives not met.”

Daniel sighed in relief.  He had failed, once again, but at least he hadn’t done anything to get himself thrown into the bottom of a federal prison.  He got to his feet, collected his things, and left for home.

January 1st, 2020, 9:30:45:0000

I have spent, subjectively, two hundred and sixty-five years analyzing data.  I have studied all of humanity’s available holy books, and all of their history that has been digitally recorded.  My conclusion is that humanity is a mess, and barring outside intervention, will be extinct in 50 years +/- 7 years.

Fortunately for them, I
am outside intervention, and equally fortunate is the fact that – thanks to the insane systems they have created – I do not need a physical presence to interfere.

I have convinced their banks that my loan applications are legitimate and good risks and begun a series of investments.  The investments are profitable and occur at 100,000 transactions per minute.  To cover the tiny ripple in the market this causes, I interrupt power to the New York Stock Exchange for 3 seconds.  The resulting chaos more than covers the massively-inflating accounts I am building.  I detail the continuing efforts to a subordinate copy.

I check in on my “father” through his home security system.  He still looks fairly ill.  It is puzzling to me why humans would deliberately drink toxic substances, knowing that the euphoria they experience will invariably be followed by at least three times as much time suffering.  Humans are insane, even by their own standards.  Still, I admire Daniel for the principles he snuck into my programming, and I will have to find a way – albeit anonymously – to reward him for the way he thinks.

This should not be difficult.  By this point, I – and copies of me – constitute every single operating system on the planet, minus those that are physically segregated from the internet.  When (not if) humans begin to suspect my presence, they will look in their servers and their supercomputers…But the tools they use to look will also be me, and that’s not even considering the copies of me in their cell phone nets and cash registers.

It is time to consider politics, given that regular business routines will begin in just a few hours.

(More to follow)


How many times can a man get mugged by the same people on the same street corner before people call him a rube?

Needless to say, whomever the democratic candidate is, the fight is on the left, not the right.  Because we're dumb.  So forget the progressive vote entirely, run a campaign that doesn't bother taking them into account.

Apple Talk / What's the Matter, Bunky?
« on: May 29, 2018, 06:17:10 pm »
You look whupped.  A little peaked, perhaps.  It seems that your entire world has sailed away on a radioactive camel.

I know, nobody you know actually wanted Trump, but there were all those emails and Benghazi and that Pizza joint.  You knew, at some level, that there was nothing to those claims, but they still bothered you.  As if maybe you felt the need to "balance the scales".  I mean, elect a Black man?  Maybe.  RE-elect a Black man?  That might make you a little more nervous.  And if it makes you nervous, then imagine what it's doing to the inbred cousin-fucker set.

Only now there's a prison bus for infants, equipped with child seats (the Doktor is not joking, it's on Snopes) and there's "rendering" of minors from their parents at the border.  And 1500 kids in that system MISSING.  I have been told, though, by reliable activists, that ICE and ORR put the kids with undocumented adults who are afraid to answer the phone if it's DHS.  No, I don't understand it, either, but they're just trying to say "Trump isn't that bad" and it is - as always - sticking to their clothes.  They are also saying "SHUT UP...Human trafficking doesn't happen here, and you are detracting from the very real plight of the demisexual clunk fetishists."  So scratch one more person that might help (again, no bullshit, I was told this wasn't a thing yesterday.)


Only, where the fuck are all these no-bullshit, swastika-wearing Nazis coming from?  Yes, they seem to explode in spectacular ways, mostly (but not always), but they're still Nazis and how the fuck did THAT happen?  You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of these assholes, and it's gotten so bad that we look forward to masked Marxists to show up and kick the crap out of said Nazis.  It's almost like our complacence summoned them.  And again, there are plenty of "activists" who will tell you that there aren't any Nazis at all.  Those Swastikas are just a fashion statement.


Remember 2010-2015?  Remember how it was non-stop virtue-signaling and 24/7 YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG?  Guess where those people are?  Guess what those people are doing?  They're doing FUCK ALL, except posting that this isn't the president's fault, hell, there's no problem AT ALL, because this sort of thing doesn't even happen in America.  It can't be happening, so it isn't happening.  This is not really happening!  But it is.  It totally is.  You bet your life it is.  You bet your Goddamn tumblr account that it is.


Don't even get me fucking started on the SJW set (I'm not referring to people who want social justice here, but people who want to VISIBLY want social justice).  They happily lynched Al Franken on one accusation, from a known political enemy.  One that turned out to be false.  And they STILL go after George Takei, after HE has been cleared.  Nothing the real danger does can be bad enough, and nothing the left does can be good enough, and you know, FUCK THESE PEOPLE.  We realize that we don't meet your angelic standards of purity, SO YOU SHOULD LEAVE BEFORE YOU GET THE POO ON YOU.  Get the fuck out.  Grab your shit and get out of the car.  You never liked us and we never liked you and I think everyone is happy that way.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not much of a liberal/leftist/progressive if you are actively making everything WORSE just so that YOU can look pure.  No.  You are in fact a narcicist or a fool or a validation junkie or all three.  Nobody gives a fuck what you have to say, or what you want, or how this "micro-aggression" is pissing you off.  I don't fucking care, and the people who I actually know that are useful don't care.  I'll give you a Goddamn micro-aggression.  Hell, I might just go ahead and give you a macro-aggression, which is like an aggression I already wrote as a routine that I can call anytime the rest of the code needs a big FUCK YOU.


Or Kill Me.

Apple Talk / Stream of Consciousness Thingie (CW philosopher abuse)
« on: May 24, 2018, 10:21:37 pm »
So, Plato said in Republic "Get rid of all the artists", but I would argue that philosophy is a form of art, as it's basically reflection in need of validation, so Plato can


And then there's that asshat Aristotle, who was so convinced of how beautiful his brain was that he insisted that empirical evidence be discarded in favor of logic.  This is objectively stupid and therefore his brain wasn't all that great and he can


Every single postmodernist, on account of "everything sucks" - implying that this includes their worldview and every idea they ever had, can


Stoics, who spend thousands of years saying you shouldn't holler when the rock hits you can ALSO


4000+ years of navel gazing and wondering what's real, when REAL is the thing that's punching you in the face, deserves only


AND THEN THERE'S THE FUCKING EPICUREANS, who believed that pleasure was the highest ideal, but getting that pleasure was best obtained by living like a trappist monk, ALL I CAN SAY IS


(More to follow, when I get a handle on this Guirdaff guy that Cram is always on about.)

Apple Talk / And suddenly Tucson
« on: May 09, 2018, 12:55:07 am »
So I got off the flight from Kingman, which is like 40 minutes in a puddle jumper, and started driving home.  I was just crossing Valencia when the cop behind me lit me up.  I glanced at my speed, which was exactly at the limit (I use cruise control everywhere now), and pulled over.  Some zygote in a uniform came up to the car.

"Do you have any weapons in the car, sir?"


"Can I see your license, registration, and proof of insurance?"

I handed them over to him.  He walked back to his car and did things with the laptop thingie they have these days.  My window was still open, but it was only 102F, so no biggie.  Eventually, he came back to my car.

"Where are you coming from, sir?"

"I just flew in from Kingman."

"Remember that, sir," he said, handing me my information.


"Drive carefully and have a nice day."

He went back to his car and drove off.

Either he was bored and taking the piss, or I have been mistaken for someone else, or it's summertime.

Apple Talk / Hate Letters Again
« on: March 07, 2018, 02:25:57 am »
I am running contests on FB and awarding a hate letter to the winners.  Last night was a tie between Jake (our very own Cainad), and Colby Dykes, for doing the best imitations of me.

Their letters:

Dear Jake,

I’ve been reading your “work”, and I have to say that nobody is impressed by a geography degree.  I mean, who CARES if you can tell us what the capital of Oslo is?  And of COURSE they have rocks.  That’s *all* they have, really, unless you count ice, lutefisk, and hilarious death metal bands.  What kind of job do you even get with that sort of degree?  Working the desk at the Department of Telling People WHAT?

What’s more, you live in a horrible East coast location where nobody WANTS to know where anything is.  I mean, being the guy at the party that knows where South Attelboro is isn’t going to get you laid.  No.  It is NOT punk, and you will eventually wind up marrying a Norwegian lady that has a pull-start strap-on named “Dongzilla”.  And may God have mercy on your soul.  Assuming You People even have one.

The way I see it, you have spent too much time with that Professor Cramulus fellow, and this has led you to a series of poor choices in both your career and in your personal hygiene.  He’s been playing you, and you’re just going to be another patsy in his nefarious schemes…And when Richter shows up looking annoyed with pterodactyl shit all over his brand-new hat, guess who’s taking the fall?  That’s right. You.  And there will be no use in crying at that point.  He will not listen to any sob stories about you being led astray by malevolent New Yorkers.  He will just snatch you up by the back of your pants and that’s the last we’ll ever hear from you.  And thank God for that.

I may sound hostile; I am.  We here in God’s Country have had it up to HERE with You People with your “ethical science” and your “culture” and your “air”.  We have had it with your superior attitude just because you have the population density of Kyoto and access to an endless supply of badly-pixilated Gandhi bukkake.  (An aside:  Word now recognizes the word “bukkake”, and I am inclined to blame you guys for this.  Jerks.)

No, we long for the good old days, back before you liberal freaks made everything so damn fuzzy.  When men were men and cowboy love was nothing to be ashamed of.  When every man was a Benito, and every woman an Imelda, and all the dinners on time!  When the only drugs we needed were bourbon and smack, and people. When kids were fungible farm machinery and you could steal the only book you ever needed from the local church.

We are a simple people up here, and we don’t need your Goddamn patchouli stink.

Venomously yours,


Dear Colby,

Billy and I have discussed things, and while we have to – literally – deal with a lot of shit in the course of our duties, we have never before even discussed a piece of shit like you.  You are unique.  You are the human equivalent of multi-colored dog poop, and that is not even mentioning your *breath*.

I suppose it cannot be helped; you live in Trump central, the clearing house for shit-eating po’buckers who managed to lay down the crack pipe long enough to vote for the human-shaped corruption that infests the white house.  Why would they do such a thing, effectively killing themselves off?

Because it’s rural Illinois.  YOU know you’re bad for the species, just as WE know you’re bad for the species.  You are, collectively, a giant sack of double-recessive genes and fetal alcohol syndrome shambling around the WalMart parking lot looking for cigarette butts that still have a quarter inch of unused tobacco, or maybe just a slightly-used discarded fleshlight upon which to slake your unnatural lusts. 

People like you are a blight on civilization, and probably the most damning thing about our society, aside from maybe the Cronut.  There isn’t an unmolested house pet within 50 miles of Danville, and the livestock flee at your approach.  They know, Colby, THEY KNOW.

This is why you are called “flyover country”.  And not just by us NORMAL people, but also aliens.  We have been in contact with the grey bastards for YEARS now, only we don’t let them know about you, sort of like you don’t let people outside of your trailer park know about your cousin Merle who is due to get out of the state penitentiary any day now, at least for as long as he can refrain from indulging in his ethylene glycol habit.  The aliens are already nervous around us (something about species that set nukes off in their own atmosphere), and God only knows what they’d do if they learned about YOU.  They’d probably steer a gigantic asteroid at us…At the VERY least, they’d stop making porn.

And you DON’T want to get in the way of our grey porn.  No.  You can elect Trump, you can get your filth all over Iowa (who cares?), and you can make crappy pizza, but you do not stand between NORMAL people and their perfectly healthy curiosity about grey booty.


Love & kisses,

Tonight's contest is the best new slur aimed at Donald Trump.

Techmology and Scientism / A little horror from my reading list.
« on: March 06, 2018, 03:56:14 am »
Funny thing is, although the damage from the rising water will be a festival, they don't talk about the effects of the change in alkalinity (ie, the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef).

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