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Topics - Doktor Howl

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Apple Talk / I was that sort of person.
« on: Yesterday at 07:13:49 pm »
There was a time in which I would cheerfully drive down Interstate 10 at 53 MPH in the fast lane, with my right turn signal on for 5 miles.  This was to watch peoples' faces in my rear view mirror, as they went from mild annoyance to mindless rage to homicidal mania.  I would occasionally laboriously count my change at the grocery store at 1 PM on national holidays, when there's like sixty people behind me in line, all of whom were late for their family BBQs or whatever the hell it is that Those People do when they're not at work.

At that time in my life, I would cut up old Newport cigarette packs into 3/8" squares and sell them as acid at Grateful Dead shows for $4 per "hit".  Caveat emptor, assholes, I'm just doin' business the American Way™.  I was a full-fledged member of the Night Crew, and one of my guys ran over someone's tiny home with a 5 ton truck.  See, hippie?  Now you're really "off the grid."

My respect for law and order extended only as far as the ability of the police to track down whomever it was doing whatever horrible things got done that day.  My neighbors cursed my name, and called to police on every party I ever threw.  Which is one reason I invited the mayor to all of my parties.  The other reason is that he became a maniac when you poured rum down him, and he would frequently leave by running naked across the golf course, screaming out how much he hated all of his constituents.

I was that sort of person.

However, thanks to a lot of help from people who were my friends and good advice from well-intentioned folks, I am now a totally different sort of person.  Now instead of foolishly flaunting the law, I USE the law.  Instead of making their lives hell on the highway, I inflict the world on them at the workplace.  Instead of throwing drunken parties, I help stupid people enhance their core competencies.  Instead of doing outrageous things out of a Road Warrior flick, I inspire people to long for a post-apocalypse nightmare.

You should have left well enough alone.

Or Kill me

Apple Talk / This Isn't How Any of That Works.
« on: July 16, 2018, 09:56:58 pm »
YES, I *DO* HAVE TO YELL.  Yes, I know you're RIGHT THERE, and I *shouldn't* have to raise my voice.  But you have been spoken to by calm and reasonable people, and you still continue with your monkey bullshit.  You have been told and you have been warned and there you are, still buying The Machine's™ shrink-wrapped product, which is to say "political outsiders are preferable to career politicians."  This is akin to saying you'd like to have a house painter handle your taxes and your investments, because by gosh that bastard can paint like a champ.

I don't think you were paying attention.  Hence the yelling.

Or maybe you're one of those other bastards, who won't shut up about the medical benefits of eating kale or maybe huffing lavender oil.  I have news for you.  People have been using lavender oil in whorehouses since the 1500s, and nobody got any healthier.  Yes, I KNOW that Big Pharma are a pack of bandits, but that fact DOESN'T INVALIDATE BIOCHEMISTRY.  This may all sound like mansplaining, only most of the biochemists I know happen to be women, and also the fact that the universe is binary as hell, often fatally so.  I don't mean it's gendered binary, that's fucking goofy, the universe has no gender.  But it IS binary.  It is yes and it is NO1.  NO, kale will not make your lymphoma go away.  NO, lavender oil will not cure you of allergies.  NO, chlorine and fluoride properly injected into your drinking water will not hurt you, but YES drinking raw water will fuck your shit sideways.  NO, vaccines will not give you the autism.  YES, chemtrails are just condensation.

It pains me that I have to explain this to a population that used to be spacefaring, not so long ago.

I should also have to explain that magic - not stage magic, mind you - but "actual" magic doesn't work.  Friday the 13th is just another day.  Mercury in retrograde means NOTHING AT ALL.  There is no "undocumented persons crisis", and there never really was one.  Nor was there a credible terrorist threat after noon of September 11th, 2001.

You are told that all of these things are true by people who have a VESTED INTEREST in having you believe ANYTHING other than ACTUAL REALITY.  Sometimes not directly.  You may have in fact been told that huffing essential oils is a thing by some other hippie, but that hippie heard it from someone else.  Gwynneth Paltrow, maybe, for an obvious reason.  Or maybe the Koch Brothers, for totally different reasons.  Or maybe - PROBABLY - *both*.

The reason this sort of shit is easy to sell to otherwise intelligent people is that it rewards the receiver in 3 ways:

1.  They get to know more than you and tell you WHAT, without all the bother of going to medical school.

2.  They get to feel like an "insider", like one of the cool people, the privileged few that know the REAL truth.  More to the point, they can congregate and get validation off of each other.

3.  They can sneer at the mundanes who still believe in bacteriophages and other actual, functional things.

This is why I hate you.  This is why I should be allowed to walk around with a 2 foot dildo with "reality" written on it, thumping hipsters.  Yes, "beaten to death with a dildo" sounds awful when the police have to explain what happened to precious Dakota or Scout or whatever the fuck Gen X named their kids, but there really isn't any choice.  When looked at from altitude, it's clearly self-defense.

I mean, just look at You People.

1 Shut up, LMNO.  We're not talking about subatomic particles, here, so just SHUT YOUR NON-MUSTACHIOED FACE.

Apple Talk / Back in FB Jail.
« on: July 14, 2018, 12:49:20 am »

This time I think it's for good.

Apple Talk / Son of a Bitch, Bunky, what is it THIS TIME?
« on: July 12, 2018, 07:05:53 pm »
What's that, Bunky?  You say that you just wanted things to slow down?  Not change so fast?  You feel like America is passing you by in favor of cheaper (and more reliable) Mexican models?  You're not racist BUT you feel as if our culture is eroding?  You're not racist BUT they should fill out the paperwork?  You didn't expect things to get quite this crazy, you just wanted to tell those Goddamn liberals a thing or two? You were in fact concerned about her emails and maybe she'd get us in a war or something, so you MAGAed or Brexited or ran off and attended Milo Yopolopolis rallies?

Why is it, Bunky, that every time you fuck the world up, you come to me for absolution?  I can't give you that, and I wouldn't if I could.  I don't like you, Bunky.  You are a bad person.  Besides, you have to repent to get absolution, and you can't seem to actually bring yourself to do that.  You're mush-mouthing excuses for kiddie concentration camps and trade wars and breaking up NATO and and and...

No, Bunky, this time I can't tell you that it's going to be okay.  It is in fact against my religion to tell people it's okay when you know that they're doomed.

I didn't catch that last bit, Bunky.  You say that out-of-campaign political rallies are making you just a little bit nervous?  That weird rant about Elton John's organ made you feel like maybe the president might be losing his grip just a little bit?  Don't worry, Bunky, he was technically correct.  Elton John has an organ, but he plays a piano.  As for the rest of that "speech", if his cocaine-fueled 3 AM tweets didn't bother you, why would a minute or two of absolute word salad at the podium?

This is what you asked for, Bunky.  This is in fact what you demanded, what you SCREAMED for in 2016.  And now you're upset because he's doing exactly what he said he was going to do?  You think that your friends are dodging you because they somehow got it into their heads that you're a racist and you're NOT a racist BUT...

Fuck you, Bunky.  Fuck you right in the heart.  In your rage that a black president got elected and reelected, you have moved us back to 1930.  Not just those darn dirty liberals either, but also your mom, your sister, your wife, your daughters. That one hispanic guy you know at work.  Your token black friend.  This is what you have done.

Now piss off, Bunky, and stop bothering me.  The next time I see you, I'm going to beat you with a piece of rebar and throw you into traffic.  Asshole.

Apple Talk / My Discordia Brag part 2: I got my head straight.
« on: July 03, 2018, 08:20:00 pm »
I have been all over the world and two things are constant every place I have gone.  HUMANS ARE STUPID and SHUT UP.  These facts are incontrovertible.  I mean, I am also stupid, but MY stupid MAKES SENSE.  I may have gotten my tongue stuck in a Epson tractor feed printer in 1996, but I don't say things like "LOWERING TAXES WILL RAISE PROSPERITY.  WE MEAN IT THIS TIME." or "OUR OWN INDEPENDENT NUCLEAR DETERRENT HAS HELPED TO KEEP THE PEACE FOR NEARLY 40 YEARS."  I may not understand everything there is to know about LGBT issues and Black issues and women's issues but I KNOW THEY HAVE ISSUES and I am not here to FLOG EVERYONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A PERFECT UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GAY BLACK JEWISH WOMAN, thus absolutely alienating the people I am *supposedly* trying to CONVINCE.

That's the HUMANS ARE STUPID part.  The SHUT UP part is SELF-EVIDENT.  Either RANT YOUR GUTS OUT or SHUT UP.  There is no room between those two things in THIS particular day and age, but THAT'S OKAY, because I am up for ANY PROGRAM.  I have PULLED THE WOOL over my own eyes, only my delusions don't seem very safe.  They involve melting icecaps and Divine teaching me how to do the Charleston, the DEVIL'S OWN DANCE.  My head is a noisy, crowded place that never HEARD of a fire inspector.

Is your head also out of code?  I hope so, brothers and sisters, because if you look around, HOW WELL HAS THAT CODE BEEN WORKING ON A SOCIETAL LEVEL?  That's right, it's like the Cotton Club fire in this shit EVERY DAY and your exceptionalism will not save you.  Nothing will save you.  Not even "Bob", though he will at least make sure you look good while you are trampled by the other club-hoppers. 

And if your head IS out of code, have you spouted about it?  Have you LAUGHED SO HARD YOUR JAW UNHINGED?  Have you ranted, or will you just plain SHUT UP?

One or the other, brothers and sisters, one or the other.  The ONE THING that ALL THE GODS HATE is "whataboutists" (and, of course, no-fault insurance).  Either you are FOR the jackboots of an out-of-control state, or you are AGAINST them.  Either you are FOR stupid, self-destructive primates, or you are AGAINST them.

As a great man once said "Your car broke down and an animal just ran off with your show and the car is sinking and your wife screaming...But NEVER GIVE UP THAT SHIP."  He was right.  He ranted AND he SHUT UP and while that is beyond the ability of most people, it is worth emulating.  So fuck you.  I might have one shoe and my car and my wife might be down a bog somewhere, but I GOT MY HEAD STRAIGHT.  You should work on that.


Apple Talk / What's the matter NOW, Bunky?
« on: July 02, 2018, 09:16:15 pm »
What's the matter NOW, Bunky?  You look a little stunned.  I know you didn't really expect all this mishegoss, what with kiddie concentration camps and the president jabbering things about the elimination of due process.  Aside from hardcore racists, who would have expected all this?  Even the current president's enemies assumed he was just putting on a carny act for the rubes.  I mean, just a few years ago, it seemed like things were looking up.  Not perfect or even good, but improving.  And now this?

One of my favorite faux-Eastern mythology tropes is the wheel of time.  It's still turning and so we go from ascendency right back down into the settling pond.  Of course, if you're Black or Hispanic or LGBT or even just unreasonably female, you're strapped to that wheel, so hold your breath; it might be a while.  Trump has another SCOTUS pick, and I will bet money that he'll get at least one more after that.  Roe vs Wade will be a memory, you will be back-billed your wages if you lose your job, and our children will drink filthy water for the rest of their lives.  Unless they're Honduran or some other smudgy demographic, in which case they'll breathe filthy water.  On account of being strapped to the wheel.

We can blame all of this on progressives or Hillary voters or people who didn't vote at all, but here's the actual fact:  The American political system functioned exactly as intended by the founders, but it still gave us Donald Trump.  So we can all stand around blaming each other, or we can dig up the founders and shit on their bones.  Not so smart NOW, are you, James Madison?

And we haven't reached bottom.  No.  This is only 18 months out of 48, AT BEST, and can you imagine the shit Trump will get up to between the next election and the inauguration if he loses in 2020?  There's still a very long way to fall...And don't expect to get saved by the midterms.  The left is still hopelessly fragmented, because we haven't yet felt enough pain to learn.  We are still factionalizing and playing other monkey games.  Except for Maxine Waters, who is arguably the only currently-serving democrat with a complete spine.

We are in fact so clueless right now that we're arguing over whether to be civil to Nazis.  Roll that one around your brain for a bit.  Being civil to Nazis.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Again, Maxine Waters is right on point.  We don't owe the po'buckers civility.  We owe them a kick in the nads, with engineer boots.  We are not talking about political opponents anymore...The only remaining political opponents we have are on our own side, which hates each other.  No, we are talking about an existential threat to civilization that isn't even FUN.  Civility was for Clinton vs Dole, and this is a whole different monster altogether.

Now, Bunky, I can see that all the time I've been talking, you have been fidgeting and wanting to talk, to tell me that "my particular faction is exceptional and blameless."  Or that "things have always been this bad, but you're too mainstream to have noticed."  My response to that is to bray laughter and spittle in your stupid face, Bunky, and maybe happy slap you.  BOTH of those quotes indicate that you are too wrapped in your own ideology to tell bad from worse, and there is no functional difference between you and the right wing BUTWHATABOUTists.

So shut the fuck up, Bunky.  Nobody wants to hear your hipster shit.  Go practice your digeradoo or your ukelele or whatever the fuck it is that You People do when you're not actively enabling toddler gulags.

Seriously, just look at yourself.

Aneristic Illusions / UNLIMITED Immigration Nutbaggery Thread
« on: July 02, 2018, 07:04:21 pm »‘womp-womp’-and-pulling-a-gun-on-immigration-protesters/ar-AAzr1Nw?ocid=spartanntp

The guy is now up on 3 charges.  Bringing the gun to a protest is automatically an arrest in that area.

Apple Talk / My Discordia Brag part 1: I am just your reflection
« on: June 30, 2018, 10:57:28 pm »
You have your Discordia, and I have my Discordia.  My Discordia is driven by the urge to see maximized human potential.  I don't expect or want perfection, but I DO think we can do better than kiddie gulags, casual racism that isn't so casual anymore, and an abandoned space program.  Humans were meant to do grotesque things, and we have settled for the banal.  I think that has to change, and that's why I am a Discordian.  This dissatisfaction with humans that are content to be humans is an irritant to most people I run into.  That's okay, your approval is not my concern.

What IS my concern is that things should be BETTER FASTER SEXIER MORE OVER THE TOP.  Widescreen and loud as hell.

I am a funhouse mirror.  You look at me, you see yourself, only far more manic, more into it, and maybe with a beard that you haven't got.  My beard is strictly there to protect YOU, the citizen, from my dangerous levels of GUAPO.  You should take a moment to thank it; it is all that stands between you and DEATH BY SEXY.  It's also worth mentioning that your reflection is doing the safety dance while you yourself are standing there with a briefcase and a latte, wondering how you are going to finish your insane workload before deadline.

BE THE DEADLINE.  BE what John Q Public lives in dread of (finished that with a preposition, DARE ME TO DRIVE?).  Be the vague, formless terror in the breakroom.  Humans really can't function without that, and there just ISN'T ENOUGH TO GO AROUND without YOUR help.  I am MIGHTY, but even I can't DO IT ALONE.

I am a dataist.  I am a mad scientist.  I am laughing maniacally while the world saves me the trouble by DESTROYING ITSELF.  I'm gonna go ON RECORD, though, as saying MY apocalypse is WAY cooler than this one...You are pensively waiting to be drowned by the rising ocean; MY apocalypse has REALLY FUCKING BIG GIANT SQUID coming in with the remorsely advancing tide.  Your apocalypse has financial collapse; mine has ARMIES OF RADIOACTIVE GORILLAS.  Your apocalypse is the banal failure of the machine; mine is of BIG GODDAMN NEON SIGNS saying "THESE SYSTEMS ARE FAILING."

Pick your poison.  Ignominious extinction, or FIGHTING NESSIES IN THE SEWERS.

Stop that shit.  Put that briefcase down.  EXPLAIN YOURSELF.  HOW, in this day and age, are you not ON FIRE?  Why are you not THROWING YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND HOWLING?  The world is your Pripyat Amusement Park.  GET ON THE FUCKING RIDE, OR KILL ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.

I mean, seriously.  Just look at You People.

Apple Talk / Harlan Ellison has died.
« on: June 29, 2018, 12:42:53 am »

Apple Talk / What's the Matter THIS Time, Bunky?
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:15:51 pm »
What's the Matter THIS Time, Bunky?  You say you woke up one day and they were shoveling kiddies into toddler gulags?  You say this wasn't exactly what you expected when they told you they were going to make America great again?  You just wanted a president that was maybe not quite know

I've been thinking about your problem, and it occurs to me that Trump has delivered on his promises.  He told you exactly what he was going to do, and you didn't believe him.  His idea of when America was great has everything to do with concentration camps, internments, and ethnic cleansing.  Ask Japanese Americans.  Ask a Navaho.  This is in fact what you chanted for at all of those rallies.  But cheer up, Bunky, at least you didn't get HER and her emails.

When you sit and wonder how Germany got so awful in the 1930s, well, now you know. 

What's that?  You didn't want this, you just wanted to feel proud again?  Proud of what?  I can't help you if you can't tell me what the problem is or was.  And it doesn't look like you want to tell me what it was.  Almost as if you maybe feel a tiny bit ashamed of what was bothering you.  If not, maybe you should be ashamed, because you know that I know that you know what the problem was.

But I am here to help you, Bunky.  I am here to erase the clog of congnitive dissonance that is making your ears ring.  In one simple phrase, I can clear up all of the horrible contradictions that plague you whenever you hear a couple of hundred toddlers crying for their parents while the ICE guards laugh at them and make orchestra jokes.  Is it really that easy?  It's really that easy.  The phrase is this:

"We're not actually the good guys."

Now, Bunky, I can see your hackles going up, but let's be reasonable about this.  At what point since the end of the Korean war have we been on the side of the angels?  At what point can you say that America is okay, without having to contrast it with some horrible totalitarian regime like North Korea or Great Britain?  Try this simple test:  Argue a defense for what's going on right now without using any outside comparisons or comparisons with any other presidency or congress.  Argue it on it's own merits.

Just because there are worse people doesn't make us good people. 

To recap:  Trump told you about all of this in advance, continual political rallies are a bad sign, and we're not the good guys. 

I hope this helps.

Or Kill Me.


No water for poor people, plus more conservative-leaning electoral college votes.

That IS after all, what this entire thing is about.

I may not have been easy to get along with around here.  I may not have been the best ally you could ask for, or even the best friend (allowing for different definition of 'friends'.)  I may have made you mad a few times or a million times.  I may have run some decent people off with the AKKs of the world (a lot of the decent people don't flounce, they just quietly leave.)  I could even be at least partially responsible for the fact that there are now like 10 regular users, and that includes the 3 basket cases.  I may have just called three people basket cases.

I may, I admit at least the possibility have been wrong about The Great Seriousness of 2015 (though I doubt it), I may be inflexible or vindictive in response to that Seriousness.  Hell, let's just be honest; I am both inflexible and vindictive about it.  I may still be; no, I AM.  There's no point putting on rose-colored glasses when you're the one offering excuses, right?  No.  You must hope that the recipients are doing so, because how often do people really CHANGE?  The answer is, of course, "all the time, only you usually don't see it because it takes so long."

I may even have started an entire excuse thread that lists only my alleged crimes, but nothing actually resembling an excuse for those crimes.

What can I say?  I'm a bastard.

Sincerely (sort of, but modified),

Apple Talk / Theology as an Exercise in Management.
« on: June 06, 2018, 12:58:26 am »
Okay, so God makes this cosmos, a planet, and eventually a race of particularly clever monkeys.  He then turns to his workers, the angels, and says "bow before my creation; they have free will, and are thus superior."

Lucifer in accounts payable doesn't like THAT even a little, rebels, and gets the whole department cast down.  How exactly Lucifer rebelled without free will is not explained.

Meanwhile, God has told the prehensile little bastards on Earth that they can do whatever they like with their free will, so long as they don't learn right from wrong.  In short, they can do anything except make an informed decision.  A snake who may or may not have been related to Prometheus1 comes along and explains things, for which he is cursed to travel on his belly.  God throws the humans out (starting to see a pattern, here?), and blames the entire thing on women in the workplace.

So the humans are like "whatever, we'll make our own Eden", so God drowns everyone.  The few survivors say "Meh" and go back to work.  God has a snit about it and fucks off.  The boss's kid drops in, gives us some helpful advice, but by now we've fucking HAD IT with Gods and the carpenter gets nailed to a stick.

I was thinking about this on the drive home today, and I have come to the conclusion that all of this mess is a crisis in management, rather than labor.

1 It is worth mentioning that EVERY religion has a Prometheus figure.

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