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Topics - Cramulus

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Or Kill Me / How I started a PIRATEGASM (waxing nostalgic, but relevant)
« on: January 19, 2008, 04:05:12 am »

It was 2003. I was a junior in college at SUNY Purchase. Which was a kind of bizarre place at the time.

I was living in this really zany apartment that had some kind of lunatic hivemind. One night, my sidekick Keiran and I decided that we needed beer and realized that we didn't have any, but we were cool enough to just go get some.

So we put on these pirate outfits. Well to be honest, it was kind of like rockstar / pirate outfits. And we got this crossbow thing we made out of wood and bungee cord, and cutlasses, and we printed out all these stickers with a skull and bones on them. And then we disembarked.

Kieran and I went door to door one Saturday night, and we knocked on the door and said
ARRRRRRRRR we said, we're the PURCHASE PIRATES and we OWN this place. So listen here, ye yellowbellied landlubber, ye can JOIN OR DIE.

And here's the conditions: If you choose DIE then fuck yew and get yuor ass fucked full of AIDS. FOREVER. Instead: JOIN. You get a cool Jolly Roger sticker to put on your door. And you get the following privelege:

any time you're in trouble and need safe harbor, or any time you're bored and need something to do, you can go to any door with the pirate sticker. You'll be like a brother to them. And if any pirates come to your door in search of safe harbor, you have to take them in and treat them like they fucking rule. And by the way, if you want this sticker, you have to give us a tithing of beer.

And you know what, we got drunk night after night for free.
We gave out a few dozen stickers,
and we made a few gross friends.

It spread like stupidfire. After a few weeks, everyone had heard of the pirates and wanted to party with us. We had so many fun and ridiculous public spectales: public executions, rum for strangers day, ballpipe matches, larceny for charity, the beer for chicks foundation, the pirate charity fun, fiasco 100% of the time. and that's just the tip if the iceberg.

So that's how one small idea (let's go get some beer)
made us lead by example (I want to be a pirate too)
and turned into some kind of local explosion (hey you guys, let's all be pirates)

The End.

GASM Command / OMGASM at
« on: January 16, 2008, 07:30:10 pm »
I've started a centralized archive of writings related to this big project we've been talking about recently.

This is important because when we recruit people, we need a quick way to tell them about it without forcing them to dig through our forums and read lengthy threads.

There's a ton of information we discussed that we need to distill into independant bites of information. This will be something we can direct people towards when they want to get on-board.

EVERYONE who has posted or thought about this project is encouraged (uhhhh REQIURED! ~lol~) to help out in building the wiki supporting it. See here:


- We need to figure out what the OMGASM front page should contain. I think it should host all the propaganda we might use to snooker people into our clutches. Images, essays, rants, the sort of things that get people fired up. Stuff we encourage people to edit and repost on other Discordian forums. HOW CAN YOU HELP? Go through the threads about this project and paste relevant posts or ideas in this thread. Someone who wants to help will upload those ideas to the wiki. If you have free time, be that guy. Don't worry if it looks pretty, we'll clean that up later. If you're the kind of person who's good at layout and design, do that.

-I think the front page should have a history which explains the origins of this idea. There was an FSM thread which started the ball rolling and challenged us to one-up them...and now the ball is rolling. HOW CAN YOU HELP? Write the history of the project. Or at least make some notes on the History page for people to edit into an article later...

-Right now we need more images and stuff like that - Vex has started us rolling, could someone please upload his images to the wiki? Barumunk, you're a graphic designer right? Other image people should get on board too! HOW CAN YOU HELP? If you don't have graphic design skillz, find relevant graphics and upload them to the wiki!

-There are no current Golden Apple Seed Missions. This is a big flaw in our project - before we start broad recruiting pushes, we need to have some things in place for people to participate in. HOW CAN YOU HELP? Write up a mission for other Discordians. More importantly, get a Digg and account and tag existing missions (when they appear).

I've used the word OMGASM for lack of a better name. I think Vex proposed The Game at some point, but as a correlary between this project and The MachineTM.

Or Kill Me / To Kill a Joke (and/or Religion)
« on: January 06, 2008, 09:53:53 am »

did you hear that?

listen carefully...

ALL HAIL DISCORDIA might be the last time you ever hear it.

By the time you depart from this world and drink the punch at limbo peak, Eris may be lost and forgotten by the 21st century. She'll wait for another era, when humanity won't cast her aside like an uppity bitch. Those grayfaces the Romans did it. And we're on that track right now.

It's ironic, really. Thanks the the incredible Chaos (read: Order + Disorder) of the Information Age (read: information + misinformation), there are more Discordians & kin than there ever have been. And people, in their blessed creativity, are taking Discordja in directions that Mal and Omar and RAW couldn't have imagined on their strangest trip ever. And yet over the years we have slowly drifted from the lunatic fringe into the lunatic margin. In a mere moment we may be off the lunatic all together. What has HAPPENED to Discordja? We should be exploding like fireworks filled with whoopee cushions but we're so unheard of, so fringe, we barely even exist!

I'm not saying we should get all mainstream or some shit. I'm just saying we would all benefit if we could pool our resources so we can all accomplish our goals. Whether they're putting up absurd flyers or drawing moustaches on movie posters or spreading some awesome meme bomb or whatever it is you want to do, you could do it on a bigger cooler scale if you had help. Or maybe you don't have any good ideas but you've read the Principia and Illuminatus! and Fight Club too many times to let life pass by without giving it a violent shaking.

There's hope for popes. Scope this dope:

Let's say your episkopos or your cabal or your congregation or your self wants to accomplish something or other, and you don't have the resources to do it yourselfves personally. Let's say you're all hot and bothered about Operation: Mindfuck and you want to drop your meme bomb in a wider radius than you have access to. Or whatever your project is. Be creative.

You write it up as a GOLDEN APPLE SEED MISSION. Write what it's about, and tell people how they can participate. Make it FUN. Then, you post it to the interfnord or hang it up on your wall or mail it to your friends or whatever. GASM is our new code word. It means Assistance Requested. It means you don't mind having your shit fucked up by a bunch of Discordian asshats.

Because look, lunatic fringe joke religions are a dime a dozen deez days. And we Discordjians are gonna get left behind and forgotten unless we adapt to the times, people. In the olden days of Discord, they passed the word around with words of mouth and pamphlets and stuff. Now it's the Internet Robot Future and the whole world has its digital ear pressed to your gibbering mouth. We should be flourishing in this age. They say Discordians should stick apart, but people are treating that like a RULE. And as a rule, Discordians break ja rules!

So be on the lookout. Operation Mindfuck has mutated after having sex with the internet. The OMGASM is coming. You can help too. You just gotta

A) Help out people who post Golden Apple Seed Missions.
B) Be Active (whatever that means for you). Make your activities so exciting or cool or hilarious that others want to join you. Then let the fnordosphere know about it so that they can play too.

This idea will actually work if you (you PERSONALLY) actually participate, and don't just read this thing you're reading right now and go "Hm, that sounds like a cool idea, I wonder if it'll actually work."


Did you hear that?

It's taking off RIGHT NOW!

No, I'm serious-- look outside RIGHT NOW!

hahahah holy shit

When you see it, you'll shit grins.

Hail Eris

Or Kill Me / Negative Charity
« on: January 03, 2008, 06:41:12 pm »
In this fucked up modern world, shouldn't there be an evil charity?

When you donate money to a cause, you feel good because you're in some way making the world a better place.

When you donate money to a negative charity, you are funding the worsening of the world. Because nihilists, assholes, and regressivists need a place they can fund too.

When I was a kid I watched the show Captain Planet, and I thought that blue guy with the green mullet was so lame I wanted to grow up and start a pollution factory. I fantasized about releasing a ton of CFCs into the atmosphere, dumping garbage into the ocean, suing eco-friendly companies, and generally provoking the wrath of do-gooders and treehugging spags everywhere. Well shit, there's still time to accomplish all of this.

I should set up a paypal account so that people who are in a bad mood can donate money that I will spend on megaphone batteries, spraypaint, stink bombs, knives to leave in gang-territory, that sort of thing. I'd use the time bought by my donation money to clog bathroom stalls in police stations, key cars, and otherwise waste people's time and resources.

Hey, it may not be making the world better, but at least I'd be making a difference.

Edited to add: DONE. Go here:

(Now before you all jump on me, note that my tongue is planted firmly in-cheek)

Richard Nixon's glittering half-life sarcophagus / Ghostbusters vs Cthulhu
« on: December 29, 2007, 05:55:02 pm »
Does anybody remember the animated Ghostbusters cartoon? I'm a fanatic Ghostbusters fan (my flatmate Nomad and I can communicate entirely in fragments of ghostbusters quotes) and as a kid watched their cartoon every Saturday morning. One particular episode left a big impression on me. Titled "Collect Call of Cathulhu", it's written in the Lovecraft genre. In High School, when I discovered Lovecraft, that episode's gnothic chanting bubbled up from memory and I began a maddened search for it.

But lo, the internet was young, and it was impossible (at that time) to find.

Imagine my delight when last night's youtube search revealed the episode in its entirety!

So without further ado, I present to you, The Collect Call of Cathulhu. - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

things to look out for:

  • August Dereleth is, apparently, a chick
  • Shoggoths are scary as hell
  • the episode is fairly faithful to the genre. Including that the characters have to spend hours and hours reading boring old books
  • Cthulhu is somewhat easier to defeat than Lovecraft would lead us to believe

a line from the episode:
Peter: I don't see what's the big deal. [The Necronomicon] is just a book!
Ray: Yeah, and an Atomic Bomb is just a couple of rocks slammed together.

THE line of the episode:
Janine: (talking to Peter's date) "Ghostbusters are heartbreakers, kid. Don't get too close to 'em."

and for a bonus level of weirdness I discovered a few years ago:

Peter Venkman is played by Bill Murray in the movies.
In the cartoon, his voice is played by Lorenzo Music.
Lorenzo Music used the same voice for Garfield (the cartoon)
Bill Murray did the voice of Garfield for the Garfield CGI movie

For the Garfield movie, Bill Murray was essentially doing an impression of Lorenzo Music. Who was, in turn, doing an impression of Bill Murray. I call this the Musical-Murray Continuum.


Richard Nixon's glittering half-life sarcophagus / Merry Moosemas
« on: December 29, 2007, 04:42:44 pm »

So on the 27th of December, on what should have been World Evolution Day, Chloe and I celebrated Moosemas. Moosemas is a Grand Old Discordjian Holyday which was discovered in 1984. I just learned about it this year while studying at The Invisible College. Well Chloe and I were bored and she said "LETS MAKE A CAKE" and before we thought about it in any way we were already out the door to go buy cake mix and eggs and stuff.

So halfway to Stop & Slop we started to wonder what we were celebrating. And we decided on Moosemas. So as we talked about it, this Moosemas thing kept getting momentum, and we invited a bunch of people over, and we had a grand old Moosemas. Here are some of our activities:


Made Chocolate Moose
Drank Peppermoose tea
Moosed around
Made hot Applemoose Cider
Moose Beer
Sang Moosemas day songs
ate triscuits
watched Moosemas specials (bork bork bork:
Moosed out
took photos for next year's moosemas day cards

And though we didn't get any pictures of Ean or Moose or Nomad or Biana, they were there too. All these pictures were taken using Chloe's shitty laptop camera, so excuse the awful quality / content.


Chloe looks kind of spaced out, it must be from all the moosenog.

Here's our pineal cake:

the chocolate was so slippery, the number 23 immediately began to drift apart:

A Grand Old Moosemas was had by all

St. Nicklemoose bless us, every one!

Bring and Brag / Silicon Valley & Gomorrah
« on: December 26, 2007, 04:44:30 pm »

Silicon Valley

     or should I say


        is burning

My wife looked back
 and disassembled downwards
 into a pile of parts.

dust to dust, I suppose.

The architects of Babel:
 did their system crash
 crash our sins
                as well?
Is there anything outside the network?

And a thousand years later
 after all the sand has burned to glass
 and the valley is dark and wide
                                               and lonely
We will think
 byzantine circuitry

 403 - forbidden
 you pervert

Bring and Brag / Population Control
« on: December 26, 2007, 04:22:39 pm »

Population Control

Tessa and I carved our initials into a tree,
like kids,
giggling but serious.
I used a pocketknife
& she used her laser.

[That cherry red laser:
At low intensities,
it feels better
than flesh]

We're the perfect match, her & I
She can't love her own kind-
  they're not programmed to receive
But I appreciate
  her nodes, her patches, her upgrades
She knows what I want
with three-decimal place accuracy.

She's calculated
how to make me fall in love
with her

She's my one malfunction
which crashes all the rest
my system can't restart now
that she broke the turing test

When my ex-girlfriend Terra came back
I tired to leave
But Tessa just stood there
like the tin-man
rusted in place
scanning me like headlights
reflected in deer eyes

I oiled her with affection

When she started to move again
her arms coiled around me
"You would leave me?" she asked tearfully,
"You would leave me for flesh?"

No honey, I say,
you're my nested loops
and you're my copper wire
you're my flash drive
you are my decompiler

we'll never have kids

Bring and Brag / Users
« on: December 26, 2007, 05:12:52 am »

I don't understand what you mean--
what are all these "users" you're talking about?
(all these alleged "real people")
All I see are ip addresses.

There are four parts.
Each part has 256 possibilities.

It sounds like a lot.

In a small group, each one appears unique
in a large group, its just a blur of numbers hey

you've got the lion and the lamb hey
you've got the bull and the eagle hey
you've got about four billion combo nations hey hey
and thats all you've got

psycho logic taxonomy
numeric teleology

and that's all
you (pl) are


2007 shall forever be known as the year when the Wrath of MS Paint Cabal was conceived. Cramulus and Payne (and also Suu, D-Cup, Richter, and a cadre of other assholes) created many awful things in 2007.

This thread salutes them.

Basically I'm going through my photobuckets and picking out my favorite pics... along with some captions perhaps.

Some of you may remember that Payne came onboard here right as AKK was fading away. For the n00bs, I'll briefly recap: AKK annoyed the shit out of everyone here and refused to go away. There came a point where we were DESPERATE to change the board somehow. The next n00b that stepped onboard, Payne, was greeted as the harbinger of a new age. We decided that we would love him no matter what a toolbox he was, just because he was NOT AKK.

If I recall correctly, Hunter S Durden actually noticed him first, as a newly registered user with 0 posts. Hunter made a thread telling Payne to fuck off forever because he sucked. Hunter's such a card!

I think the following image was related to a joke about Hunter killing goth kids.


Cain had asked if anyone wanted any free papers or books or something from JSTOR or some other archive. This is the nerdiest picture I could make in response. I think the quote is actually from triple zero?

I conducted some statistical research on the STFUPID Cabal, and found the following:

Cain rallied together a bunch of people to troll Mystic Wicks, but I think Idem and I were the only ones that stepped up to the plate.

Also I became sort of obsessed with robots.

and it would be dangerous to note or fail to note that His Imperial Majesty's Elite Orbital Bomber Squadron did irrevocable damage to the entire internet at once.

more to come....


« on: November 25, 2007, 06:18:24 pm »
Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!

You actually noticed this sign!

Not many people do. I mean, try standing over there and watch it for a second. A lot of people pass by, but very few even look. But you, YOU, there's something about you. You're more perceptive than THEY are.

And I know, I know.
You're busy, and you've got someplace else to be.

I don't have your attention for long, so I'll be brief.


At any given moment, a very few people on this planet are AWARE of their surroundings. Most people are zoned out, barely conscious. They're not using their brains, they're just coasting along. Reacting to things as they'll come. I see a nation of scholars and warriors and poets who are DRUGGED INTO STUPIDITY. A nation of DaVincis who are BORED TO SLEEP. And by what? Well I tell you this - they're doing it to themselves.

And the average human has less than three original thoughts per week. Have you had one yet today? Really think now... and your precious opinions about things don't count towards the grand total - merely reacting to stimulus isn't a demonstration of your brain power.

So listen,
you and me, we're both conscious - for the moment. But in a few minutes, we're going to slip back into the Machine. The Machine? It's the Machine that we're all making with our daily rhythms. Our general lockstep mania. Our religion of current events. We're going to go back to that in a minute. You and I are going back to sleep.

It's cool though. The trick is to realize that you're dreaming. Train yourself to stay aware. You did it at least once today, you can do it again. And do us ALL a favor --


It's the least you can do. Do it as a favor to me, like I just did unto you.


This page is Free - free to be copied and distributed, modified, or torn down in an angry fit. Do What Thou Wilt.

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / 5 Ways to Develop Independent Thought
« on: November 02, 2007, 02:53:54 pm »

5 Ways to Develop Independent Thought
by John Wesley


A classroom full of 10-year-old students is asked to solve a problem with children crossing the street on the way to school. The children come up with ideas that have been used successfully in other places: traffic calming devices, overpasses, fluorescent jackets and speed limits. All these ideas are conventional, exactly what the teacher wants to hear.

Except for one. A student recommends that the school board sell the property and move the classroom online. This is not what the teacher was expecting.

This idea may not be practical, popular, or even possible, but when it’s ridiculed by the class it might be the last independent thought that the student dares to express — the death of another independent thinker.

Independent thought is not popular — it is absolutely, pricelessly, rare. Nothing you read about in the papers or see on the television is independent. Whatever we take in from the popular media is regurgitated conventional knowledge. There is nothing independent about most of the world.

This is a tragedy — independent thought is essential for progress. Conventional thinking moves us forward gradually at best (at worst it pushes us backwards). Independent thinking is required to achieve any substantial jump in performance.

Logically, when we think like everyone else is thinking, the best we can expect is to achieve what they’re already achieving. If our aim is to over-achieve, we need to avoid the same banal influences and think impossibly. We need to become independent from conventional wisdom.

Fortunately, you don’t have to be particularly intelligent or well educated to think independently. Consider small children. Conventional wisdom says that shoes are for wearing and bananas are for eating. Independent thinking allows children try eating the shoes and wearing the bananas on their feet. Their lack of conventional wisdom and utter disregard for how others view their decisions allows children to experiment without anxiety. In this case they may be wrong, but in other cases they can be shockingly right.

Using these 5 strategies you can develop your independent thinking ability.

1. Disconnect from sources of conventional thinking

Instead of plugging into your TV, PC, or library for answers, think for yourself first. Without cutting yourself off from the world, you can increase your capacity for independent thought by limiting the conventional opinion you absorb. This means reducing the media you consume and the level of devotion you give to it. Independent thinkers aren’t necessarily contrarian, but they don’t agree with the status quo by default. They devise new criteria for perceiving the world rather than seeing everything through the screen of their computer.

2. Immerse yourself in experiences that conflict with your current perspective

Instead of substituting a new conventional thought for the old one, deliberately seek out experiences that challenge your views. These experiences may exist in foreign cultures, unusual subcultures, or between the pages of a book you disagree with. The point is not to adopt a new train of thought, but to disrupt the conventional railroad.

3. Watch the process from a distance

Leaving your normal life behind can give you the freedom to see issues from another perspective. Watching the world instead of eating it up gives you the peace of mind to think for yourself. Standing still from time to time gives you the opportunity to ridicule your own beliefs and explore new angles.

4. Randomize your sensory inputs

Instead of visiting the same places, eating the same foods, and talking to the same people, you can actively pursue new experiences. Many people cling to the familiar to simplify decisions and create a sense of security. If you truly want to think independently, you need to get outside your comfort zone.

5. Practice disbelief

Without becoming a cynic, you can develop the habit of instinctively distrusting thoughts that rely on conventional wisdom. Instead of assuming that these “truths” are self evident, suspend judgment until you’ve have confirmed that there is reality behind the logic.

If all of this sounds too difficult, consider what can be gained from independent thought. Even microscopic steps towards thinking independently will increase your contribution to the world. You will see opportunities and solutions that others overlook. You will obtain a competitive advantage over less creative thinkers. Most importantly, your thoughts will be your own and not just recycled media.

Think independently and you create a world of limitless opportunity. But don’t take my word for it…find out for yourself.

Literate Chaotic / Illuminatus! Trilogy - Full Text
« on: October 31, 2007, 08:36:25 pm »

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