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Messages - Cramulus

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10996
Why I'm excited for the R0B0T REV0LUTI0N
by Professor Cramulus


Alright, we all know that when the shit hits the fan, humanity's back is going to be up against the wall. But the thing is that the robot revolution is going to be real sexy. We'll WANT to submit to them. Rawr!

Your robot girlfriend will be anything you want and more. You can customize her appearance to match your taste, whether you want a swedish bikini model or a tentacular hentai zombie!

She'll have personality packs you can install. You can configure her to act and talk like a naughty schoolgirl, a naughty dominatrix, a naughty UN Ambassador, or even a naughty nurse!


Robotic girlfriends are superior to meat-based ones in every way. They'll never nag you about anything, they'll never cheat on you, and they'll never leave you.

All the vestigial systems which come standard on a meat-based girlfriend have been removed in the robotic model, such as periods, aging, and orgasms.

A variety of protein pills will be available. By changing her "diet" you can change her build or hair color. You can sculpt her from slim and trim to pleasantly plump and back to the undernourished waif setting in a short three week diet cycle. These cycles take months, if not years in the outdated human models. and unlike humans, robots do not get stuck in one setting.


Your robot girlfriend's nipples will be dials. One will be a volume control, the other an AM/FM tuner

Your robot girlfriend will have a keg in her stomach cavity. She'll secrete delicious beer through her tongue, tears, and hoo-hoo. Most people have wanted a girl to pee on them, but don't like human urine. Now you can have Heineken urinated into your eager mouth!

You don't have to be insecure in any way around your robot girlfriend. Robots can be programmed to think your penis is gigantic, even if her records obviously indicate otherwise.


My robot girlfriend is going to have a wireless modem which receives live feeds from cameras placed around the room. She'll take in all camera streams and instantly edit them into high quality porn footage. Her eyes are functional video projectors, so she can project the porn onto the wall as you rail her from behind.

When not in use, her butt unit will stream funky porn music.

Holy shit my robot girlfriend is going to have rockets on her feet so we can fly around as I pork her over and over again.

Hate condoms? Worried about getting your robot girlfriend pregnant? Scientists have developed a birth control patch with 80% efficacy!


See, the Robot Revolution is the sexiest thing to happen to mankind. With options like these available, no one will want to date a smelly girl. When given a choice, they'll pick the stainless steel fembot every time.

"Check out the nodes on that robo-ho!"

For humanity, the end will come not with a bang, but with a moan of ecstasy



So presented with these facts, I must ask...

10997
Literate Chaotic / Re: Favorite Song Lyrics/Poetry
« on: May 17, 2007, 03:11:22 pm »
I can't stop --
the meme is in charge now





 All right! It's zee Wango, zee Tango
1-2-3-4
Come on boys
Time to Wango

My baby she like to rock
My baby she like to roll
My baby she can dance all night
My baby got no control
She do the Wango Tango

My baby she can scream and shout
My baby she can move it out
My baby she can take a chance
My baby got a brand new dance

Wango Tango
Wango Tango
It's a Wango Tango
Ooooh yeah! (oooooh..)
Baby!

My baby like to rock
My baby like to roll
My baby like to dance all night
She got no control
She do...

Wango Tango
Wango Tango
Wango Tango
Ooooh yeah! (oooooh..)

Yeahhhhhhhhhh!
Baby! Baby! Baby! Ooooh I like the way you look baby
You look like you're made for me honey
If you wanna take a little chance
I'm gonna show you a new dance
Baby I gotta Wango down one time with you honey
I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it
Well, it's a brand new dance
Yeah been sweepin' the nation
I said a brand new dance
A rock 'n' roll sensation
Yeah I like it baby, I do it every night
I got to do it 'cos I like it so much
Oh honey believe it baby
You see it's a crazed gyration of the rock generation
It's my motivation to avoid the nauseation, frustration
When I need some lubrication - Baby!
Kinda like, goes kinda like this
You take her right ankle out
You take her left ankle out
You get her belly propped down
You get her butt propped up
Yeah lookin' good now baby
I think you're in the right position now baby
Yeah but if you ain't quite ready I'll make sure everything is a little bit nicer 'cos
I'm gonna get a little talcum
I'm gonna borrow it from Malcolm
Yeah you look so good baby I'm startin to drool all over myself
I got the droolin', droolin', get all wet, salivate, salivate
I got slimy legs, slimy legs, slimy legs
Got slimy, slimy, slimy, slimy, heh heh heh
Yeah you look so good baby, I like it, I like it, I like it
You know what I been talkin' about honey
It's a nice dance, we gotta a nice dance goin' here
Now what you gotta do, I'll tell you what you gotta do
You got to pretend your face is a Maserati
It's a Maserati
It's a Maserati
It's a gettin' hotty
It's a Maserati, Maserati, Maserati
It's a fast one too man, that thing's turbocharged
You feel like a little fuel injection honey?
I'll tell ya about it, I'll tell you about it
I'll check out the hood scoop
I gotta get that hood scoop off, shine and shine and buff
I gotta buff it up, buff it up, buff it up, buff it up, buff it up,
Yeah, shiny now baby, heh heh heh
You've been drivin' all night long
It's time to put the old Maserati away
So you look for a garage, you think you see a garage
Wait a minute, Hey!, there's one up ahead
And the damn thing's open
Hello! Get in there!

Is my baby alive? (Is my baby alive?)
Is my baby alive? (Is my baby alive?)
Is my baby alive?
She Wango'd to death

Wango Tango (Wango Tango)
Wango Tango (Wango Tango)
Wango Tango (Wango Tango)
Wango Tango (Wango Tango)
Wango Tango
Wango Tango
Wango Tango
Wango Tango
Wango Wango
Tango Tango
Wango Wango Wango Wango
Tango Tango Tango Tango

10998
Literate Chaotic / Re: Favorite Song Lyrics/Poetry
« on: May 17, 2007, 03:08:43 pm »

Gay Voodoo Limbo Tango Wango

sunday night in the city of sin--my django, oh baby
sunday night and i'm crawlin along--my django, oh baby
all alone since my baby left me--my one and only django
all alone till i found a little club
i ducked inside
i made to die
but i came alive
i came alive

some girl, she was on the floor
she made them devil eyes
lit the night
she was africa
she moved her body
just like africa
dropped my gender i.d. into a bin
got on the dance floor, started shakin'

say goodbye to django
wango tango
say goodbye to django
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
say goodbye to django
wango-wango my baby django
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
wango-wango, limbo tango with me

c'mon baby, shake off the rust
dance like a tribal chieftain
all covered with dust
shake your gay ass
let go of fear
come on baby, dance over here
ooohhh! man you're queer
ooohhh! we're in africa
juicy lucy, mother of all
we're dancin' in africa
we're havin' a ball
say goodbye, say adieu
goodby django
hello...hello...wait for it...
hello: gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
shake it
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
shake it baby, shake it
everybody be alive
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango all night

some girl, she was on the floor
she made them devil eyes
lit the night
she was africa
she moved her body
just like africa
i dropped my gender i.d. into a bin
i got on the dance floor, started shakin'

say goodbye to django
wango tango
say goodbye to django
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
say goodbye to django
wango-wango my baby django
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango
wango-wango, limbo tango with me

gay voodoo limbo tango-wango-wango
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango-wango
shake it and bake it and don't never fake it
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango-wango
gay voodoo limbo tango-wango-wango

what's that?
django's on the phone?
django who?

10999
Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Re: Lollercaust?
« on: May 17, 2007, 03:03:19 pm »
I think practicing Discordia and preparing for the robot revolution are identical activities.

Tin foil hats, for instance.

11000
Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Re: Lollercaust?
« on: May 17, 2007, 02:59:33 pm »
I suggest that a good premise is all that's needed to get the funnay balls bouncing. Like if the booklet appears as a guide to preparing for the ROBOT REVOLUTION.

11001
Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Re: Lost Keys
« on: May 17, 2007, 02:19:03 pm »
Who is the one who built the prison?
Who is the one who can let you out?
Who is the one who makes the day and the night and the grass green?


I don't think a 'higher power' is necessarily an external power.

11002
Literate Chaotic / Re: The Invisibles, by Grant Morrison
« on: May 17, 2007, 02:11:32 pm »
I think there's a graphic-novel style collection of volume 1, but not the rest. Get this: I found the graphic novel in the children's section of the public library.

I'll upload more when I get home tonight.

11003
Literate Chaotic / Re: The Filth, by Grant Morrison
« on: May 17, 2007, 12:44:39 am »
How'd you like The Filth, Payne?

11004
Or Kill Me / Re: Keepin' up with the Joneses...
« on: May 16, 2007, 06:13:41 pm »
Discordia for Old People

1. sermons composed almost entirely of complaints about how Discordia's changed for the worse
2. you get to become really religious right before you die (also known as "cramming for finals")
3. more fire and brimstone than Discordia For Kids
4. "Back in my day, Eris used to keep a chilly dagger in her bosom for punk kids like you"
5. Eris' gift to her loyal followers is complete senility

11005
Or Kill Me / Re: Keepin' up with the Joneses...
« on: May 16, 2007, 04:34:59 pm »
I'm 25


but I act like I'm 666

11006
              Professor Cranulus, I did
              your 'speriment and now I
              can't stop thinking about goats!
                               \






                                                        \
                                      That lady had short arms,
                                       and I will never love again




         yes, yesssss....
 it all goes according to plan
                 /

                 \
              MUAHAHAHAH!

11007
PARTICIPANTS NEEDED

Procedure:

  • Get yourself really close to orgasm
  • Immediately prior to orgasm, click on one of the following links: Link A, Link B, Link C, Link D, Link E, Link F (all NSFW ... but you shouldn't be participating at work anyway)
  • You must stare at the image for the duration of your orgasm
  • Report short-term and long-term and results here

Do it for SCIENCE

11008
Or Kill Me / Re: Enough
« on: May 15, 2007, 06:55:14 pm »
But its true.  I remember at MW, where they were talking about telling their co-workers, or "coming out of the broom closet".  Who gives a shit?  I mean, really?  Sure, if I want to be your friend or are interested in you in other ways, I might eventually ask a question like that, but its hardly a top priority.  Same for flaunting my own beliefs.

In short, stfu, no-one cares what you believe.  If you're so Pink you feel compelled to have to let everyone know how you label yourself, well thats your problem and I hope you get used to the consequences.

SRSLY! If a coworker ever "came out of the broom closet" to me (I lol'd at that phrase) I'd say "Yes, and I jerk off in the bathroom right after lunch. Now we both know unnecessary personal facts about each other."

11009
Principia Discussion / Re: Best Music For Sex
« on: May 15, 2007, 06:52:58 pm »
William Shatner

ex-girlfriend once tied me to a chair,
turned on william shatner
left the room


(it was revenge for adding william shatner mp3s to every single one of her playlists)

11010
Literate Chaotic / Re: The Worst Dark Lord Ever
« on: May 11, 2007, 03:18:54 pm »
Randall Flagg: Pleased to meet you, Lloyd. Hope you guessed my name.
Lloyd Henreid: Huh?
Randall Flagg: Oh. Nothing. Just a little classical reference.
                  /



Yeah, Randall Flagg was a bad ass.




nice avatar btw, yarbles. I'm a big fan of metropolis.

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