« on: December 17, 2008, 09:30:21 pm »
He started distancing himself as soon as her husband moved out. Maybe he couldn't deal with her availability, and what that meant about her feelings for him, even though they were on the table long before that. He is a mess in a lot of ways, and she is a mess in a lot of ways, and together, they are just a compounded mess. In some ways they have been good for each other, but in some of the same ways they've been good, like allowing each other a respite from the harshness of their respective situations, they've also been unhealthy, by taking it to the point of drunken irresponsibility. A respite should not be an escape, and a relationship based on escapism has nowhere to go.
She feels lost in the lack of support from him. She grew dependent on him, and now that he's not here she doesn't know what to do. She can't even seem to get much work done, she hasn't been productive at all this week. It's funny because it seems like she hardly leaned on him at all when she was processing the really hard part of losing her husband... this part... but now that she's losing him, it's even harder because there's just a void where he used to be, and she wants to go to him but she can't. There's nothing there for her to go to.
And... she just misses him. He is completely unique and unlike anyone else she has ever known, and he is the only person she's ever met who really, truly seems to fit her. Except she misses what they had, not what they have. So she thinks this is the right thing. She cannot, at this point, cope with being rejected sexually and intimately, scooted to the sidelines of his life, and deal with his selfish, manipulative wife moving back into his house, to either hear about them getting back together, or know that he's withholding details of his life to spare her. Either way, the situation is unsalvageable. The only way for her to salvage HERSELF is to walk away from this completely, permanently.
Maybe her complete withdrawal will help push him back into an unhealthy marriage even more completely... but she can't afford to know, or allow it to affect her decision. She is going to wait a couple weeks, then ask him to please drop off her laptop and any other stuff she left at his house over at her sister's. She figures that if she gives it a couple of weeks, it won't seem as much like an angry symbolic gesture as like simple closure. Or, maybe he'll just do it on his own.
So, she's drinking tea instead of wine and trying to sleep at night and sometimes she stands in the kitchen and screams and screams at the unfairness of life, or it hits her in the middle of checking her mail or feeding her pets and it hurts like she's been punched in the gut, and she know that she will always miss him and always love him, but that in time it won't hurt so much, and then it won't hurt every day, and then someday she will only think about him part of the time, and someday, she will think about him hardly at all. And things will be OK.