Author Topic: Unlimited How Not to Be a Fat Fucky Bastard thread: now 100% more fat free  (Read 56324 times)

Doktor Howl

  • Вся ваша база принадлежит нам
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 400367
  • Pants Wrecker
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #60 on: August 10, 2010, 02:26:28 am »
My weight-loss plan: Be Vegetarian

Yay protein deficiency!  :wink:
I'm a vegetarian and won't touch tofu, but I never have a problem with protein. Eggs, dairy, and nuts, my friend.

Eggs are bad for losing weight.  Eat turkey instead.  It's okay, they like it.  Like schmoos.
"THUS SPAKE THE DESERT PROPHET ROGER, HIS EYES AGLAZE, HIS BALLS AFIRE, HIS HAIR RECEEDED DUE TO YOUR INABILITY TO SHUT UP"
- Junkenstien

"Locals and authorities are quick to act on suspicions that wartime arms may be lurking in their midst. Even police were convinced by one elderly German who reported finding an old bomb in his backyard, only for bomb clearance staff to conclude that the item was, in fact, a zucchini."
- Newsweek, 8/9/18

Juana Go?

  • Hideous and Otherworldly Attack Duckling of DESPAIR
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 65322
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #61 on: August 10, 2010, 02:39:06 am »
At this point, I'm a vegetarian because it's easier than going back. But good to know, Dok. I'll keep that in mind next time an omelet starts to sound good.
“Call me sentimental, but there’s no-one in the world that I’d like to see get dysentery more than you.” — David Nicholls (One Day)

Stelpa

  • Deserved It?
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 2778
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #62 on: August 10, 2010, 05:32:38 am »
My weight-loss plan: Be Vegetarian

Yay protein deficiency!  :wink:
I'm a vegetarian and won't touch tofu, but I never have a problem with protein. Eggs, dairy, and nuts, my friend.

Eggs are bad for losing weight.  Eat turkey instead.  It's okay, they like it.  Like schmoos.

DONT WORRY SIR I AM RICH IN PROTEIN :D

Pope Pixie Pickle

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 54399
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #63 on: August 12, 2010, 06:40:30 pm »
For me tofu only works in oriental cooking. otherwise its just uurgh..
"YOU SAY CULTURAL MARXISM LIKE IT'S A BAD THING"

Requia ☣

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 53479
  • Delicate and pretty shark of impending doom.
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #64 on: August 24, 2010, 05:23:12 am »
Anybody know how to calculate calories burned hiking?

I have a suspicion its the same as walking the same distance (less burn on the way down) but I'm not sure.
Inflatable dolls are not recognized flotation devices.

Triple Zero

  • DO NOT ABUSE EXCEPT FOR URGENT FURNITURE MOVING EMERGENCIES
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 80835
  • Horrible and Sexy Queen of Cheese
    • View Profile
    • Random BIP
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #65 on: August 31, 2010, 06:05:00 pm »
Quote
I have a blender but no juicer, do you think I can make attempt, or would I really require juicer?
Trust me it won't work. :lulz:

Glad you liked the idea of the recipes, Trip. I can heartily recommend this juicer:
http://www.amazon.de/Philips-HR1861-00-Aluminium-Entsafter/dp/B0007XHGHA/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1277800894&sr=1-9
Seriously. DO NOT buy anything cheaper. If you do it will last 5 minutes and will make crappy juice and I will laugh at you. :)

Aaargh goddamn my birthday is coming up (thursday) and they priced it up to 115 euros ... :-(

Hey BTW, does it also do oranges? How does that work, won't you get bitter flavour from the peel? Or does it somehow peel it for you? What about grapes? If it squashes the pits in grapes, those taste horrible.
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Requia ☣

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 53479
  • Delicate and pretty shark of impending doom.
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #66 on: September 15, 2010, 09:45:10 am »
Anybody know how to calculate calories burned hiking?

I have a suspicion its the same as walking the same distance (less burn on the way down) but I'm not sure.

I found an answer to this if anybody is curious, the difference for flat walking versus up then down is pretty small, 3 calories per 100 feet up per 100 pounds of weight.  (Assuming the source is accurate).
Inflatable dolls are not recognized flotation devices.

Ob_Portu

  • Divinity Sifter
  • Known & Noted
  • **
  • Posts: 1118
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #67 on: October 27, 2010, 02:12:46 pm »
Just eat blood.

Seriously.
I'm not crazy, I'm perturbed.

Ob_Portu

  • Divinity Sifter
  • Known & Noted
  • **
  • Posts: 1118
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #68 on: October 27, 2010, 02:13:49 pm »
ORGANIC free range WILLING blood.
I'm not crazy, I'm perturbed.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 687093
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #69 on: October 27, 2010, 08:40:46 pm »
Anybody know how to calculate calories burned hiking?

I have a suspicion its the same as walking the same distance (less burn on the way down) but I'm not sure.

I found an answer to this if anybody is curious, the difference for flat walking versus up then down is pretty small, 3 calories per 100 feet up per 100 pounds of weight.  (Assuming the source is accurate).

Hiking uneven terrain burns more calories than walking a smooth incline, because of the extra muscles engaged in keeping your balance. So it depends a lot.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


ranacuaro

  • Known
  • *
  • Posts: 54
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #70 on: October 29, 2010, 05:48:32 am »
Okay, having lost 35 pounds, a few people have asked me how I did it.  What you're going to get here is a very difficult plan that requires discipline.  There is no easy way.  I'd also like to give credit to Nigel, who helped develop the bare-bones plan that the doctor gave me into a more comprehensive and effective method.

First, cut out all of the following:

Fast food.  No exceptions other than salads.
Anything that went in a deep fryer.  Period.
Booze of any kind.  No exceptions, no days off.
Junk food (chips, ice cream, pastries, etc)
Non-diet soda.  This one is a killer.

You will notice that I have not mentioned carbs, etc.  There is good reason for this.  You NEED carbs.

Second, plan your calorie limit.  Nigel pointed out a really good site, http://thedailyplate.com  Go there, and plug in your height, weight, age, etc, and tell it the following, no matter what the real case is:

1.  I wish to maintain my present weight.
2.  I do low/moderate exercise

When you do this, it will give you your "break even" calories.  Subtract 500 from this number.  This is your target goal, every day except Sunday.  On Sunday, hit your break even number, but don't exceed it.  You need to do this to be in decent condition for Monday at work, and to give yourself a rest.

Third, plan your diet, using the number generated above for your total daily intake.  HOWEVER, no meal should be larger than the following example:

1.  Two slices of bread, low cal mayo, and either a piece of cheese OR meat the size of the palm of your hand.
2.  A pile of veggies the size of your fist.

Calculate the calories involved (regging an account at the daily plate opens up all kinds of neat tools for doing this), and you can figure the number of meals per day.  This is important...the idea is to shrink your stomach.  Multiple small meals are better than 3 solid meals.  Space these out evenly over the day.  Plan 340 calories for 2 slimfasts or the like.  This is important, and I'll cover it later.  Also, plan 90 calories for bed time (also covered later)

If you aren't having a sammich, then substitute it with the food you are going to eat, but nothing larger than your fist in total volume.

Fourth,  Eat a piece of fruit within 20 minutes of waking up (or veggies, etc), to keep your body from going into conservation mode.

Fifth, Veggies should be about 80% of your diet.  This has the added advantage of being CHEAP.  ONE piece of fruit per day (loose fruit like berries, etc, should again be the size of your fist.)  Bear in mind that for these purposes, tomatoes are veggies, but corn and peas are fruit.

Sixth, DO NOT EAT WHILE ON THE COMPUTER OR WHILE WATCHING TV.  If it's time to eat, get away from the comp or TV.  Break the habit of eating while you do these things, they're killers.

Seventh, Diet soda has zero calories.  Coffee has 4 calories per cup, tea has zero, and water has zero.  No milk (if you need calcium, take Tums), no juice.

Eighth, LEAVE THE TABLE HUNGRY.  Do NOT fill up with low/no cal food like pickles, etc.  The idea here is to shrink your stomach, which will ease unnecessary hunger.  When you get too fucking hungry, have one of your two slimfasts.  They're nothing but Potassium, and will trick your hunger for a couple of hours.

Ninth, Eat a salad right before bed.  Garden salad ONLY.  No meat, no eggs, no anything.  Lettuce and sliced veggies only.  Use either balsamic vinagarette or low fat Italian dressing.  DO NOT PUT THE DRESSING ON THE SALAD, leave it on the side, and dip into it.  This salad will let you go to bed without an empty stomach, and will also have the added advantage of making you shit the whole world out of your guts in the morning, which will make you feel better than you'd think possible.

Tenth, NO CHEATING.  NO "VACATIONS".  Not even if you're at a fucking wedding.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  I cannot stress this enough.

Eleventh  Do cardio workouts.  Do not lift weights.  All the weights you need are already attached to your fat ass.  Treadmill is best (eliptical if you have bad knees), go as fast as you can comfortably walk for one hour, then a 5 minute cool down.  If you can't afford the gym, just go for a walk, but keep your pace up.  Drive out a 2 mile route, and use it.  When that becomes easy, and it will, add a mile.  4-6 miles is the most you want to do.  IF YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT, DO NOT - I REPEAT DO NOT - RUN.  Your knees won't like it.  Calculate the calories (daily plate or elsewhere) burned AND ADD THEM TO YOUR DAILY ALLOWANCE.  Replace those calories, you'll need them.  The purpose of exercise is to stimulate your metabolism, not burn fat.  It requires a marathon to lose one pound of real weight.  Lastly, drink loads of water while doing this and DO NOT WEAR PLASTIC OR WHATEVER TO MAKE YOURSELF SWEAT.  Water weight loss is an illusion, and will FUCK YOUR KIDNEYS UP.  Work out for two days straight, then take a day off, then two more days, then a day off, etc.

Twelvth, NO FUCKING CHEATING.  NO VACATIONS.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  EAT NOTHING YOU HAVEN'T PLANNED INTO YOUR DIET.  This is NOT easy, for the first several weeks you are going to be in pain from hunger, feel weak, cranky, everything else.  This is NORMAL.   It is the price you pay for NOT BEING A FATASS.  The Slimfasts are there to help you.

There's a few more hints I'll post as they come to mind, and I'd appreciate Nigel's input, but that's the basic plan.

Okay for now,
Dok.

thanks bro  :mrgreen:

Dysnomia

  • window evolutionary biologist
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 47885
  • vibrating love waif of Eris
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #71 on: November 20, 2010, 06:51:00 pm »
three weeks-  meal shake breakfast, small snack, meal shake lunch, small snack, healthy dinner.  Run 5-7 days a week.  I only really go a mile though because I'm a wimp, and the mile loop I do with the dog at babysitting is all hilly.  On weekends sometimes I do the flat two mile loop at the park nearby.  With walk breaks though.

also, I loff tofu.  I also am quite fond of tofutti cream cheese.  It was an experiment, and to me, it tastes awesome.  Not that I don't love regular cream cheese...in fact now I have PUMPKIN!   :D

Now I'm on smaller portions, avoid fast food (that sorta works), avoid sweets (also sorta works...), and am still running.  So far, I've lost 10 pounds.  I even was able to get into a pair of pance that I've never been able to get into!   :D
It's all fun and games, till someone gets herpes.

http://cdn.smosh.com/smosh-pit/122010/mow-the-lawn.gif

Ob_Portu

  • Divinity Sifter
  • Known & Noted
  • **
  • Posts: 1118
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #72 on: November 21, 2010, 10:33:55 pm »
Hey Doctor Howl Your a turkey. 

I'm not crazy, I'm perturbed.

Salty

  • Anarcho-Kardashian, Prophet
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 71640
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #73 on: November 21, 2010, 11:50:15 pm »
Oh all right.
Looks like I need to make some popcorn. 
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 36736
    • View Profile
Re: How to not be a fat bastard.
« Reply #74 on: November 22, 2010, 01:35:09 am »
Hey Doctor Howl Your a turkey. 



Whatever you say, screwy.   :lulz:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.