DM/Player Ownage

[Doktor Howl]

Then the GM throws a mummy at us. I look at him like he's insane, and he adjusts it on the spot. Halves its HP. We are level 1, after all.

Someone needs to learn balancing.

You guys would make me eat my DM screen.  Again.

[Freeky]

Then the GM throws a mummy at us. I look at him like he's insane, and he adjusts it on the spot. Halves its HP. We are level 1, after all.

Someone needs to learn balancing.

You guys would make me eat my DM screen.  Again.

Hell yes we would.

[President Television]

Oh, that's not the worst part. He did plan to show us a little mercy, mummy-wise... by having a fountain in the passageway before the mummy room that produced magical cure-all water. Water that fully restored the HP and cured all diseases of anyone who drank it. Diseases like mummy rot.
Since I'd been preparing extracts and bombs the whole time and we hadn't been keeping track of my vials, I declared that I had a vial on me that I could put the water in. The DM started panicking a little bit when he realized that I could essentially claim to have infinite vials on my person, so he wouldn't let me do it until I assured him that I'd only take the one. Which I did. I was pretty OP to begin with, so I figured I wouldn't need much of it.

Then after the fight he rolled up random loot. From the magic item tables. At level 1. I ended up with a suit of shadow studded leather armor worth roughly 3,000 gp, which I intend to sell back to the mages' guild next session so I can buy a CL 20 potion of Greater Magic Fang. At level 2, I'm taking the Feral Mutagen discovery, which gives me a 1d8 bite attack and two 1d6 claw attacks when mutated. At level 3, I'll get an extract called Alchemical Allocation, which allows me to use a potion without consuming it. I think you can see where this is going.

[Doktor Howl]

Then after the fight he rolled up random loot.

Where do these people come from?

[President Television]

Then after the fight he rolled up random loot.

Where do these people come from?

Michigan, apparently.

[Doktor Howl]

Then after the fight he rolled up random loot.

Where do these people come from?

Michigan, apparently.

1.  He didn't have the loot done BEFORE the game?  That's just being a lazy DM.

2.  Average loot per encounter per APL times the number of encounters = total GP.  The DM then buys the items he wants running around in his campaign, then buys non-coin loot, then places the items and loot in appropriate places.  This is so you don't have a guy running around with, for example, infinite potions of greater magic fang CL20 at level 3.

ETA: The total average loot for a 4 person party going from level 1 to level 2 should be about 3600 GP.

[President Television]

At any rate, it was a pretty fun session. The oracle got to do his chaotic evil bit and I got to be useful. The GM's just new to the system, and he's the kind of guy who'd probably enjoy a White Wolf game. Very much a roleplayer. We're talking about a guy who deliberately made weak stat choices for his NPCs because it was in keeping with their personalities. A clumsy bard with low Dexterity, for example.

[Doktor Howl]

The oracle got to do his chaotic evil bit

Oh, boy.

We're talking about a guy who deliberately made weak stat choices for his NPCs because it was in keeping with their personalities. A clumsy bard with low Dexterity, for example.

That's normal, isn't it?

[President Television]

The oracle got to do his chaotic evil bit

Oh, boy.

He actually displayed unusual self-control this time. All he did was torture a goblin a little and stab it through both eyes with a spear. Once I ran a BESM game and he held the cashier at a burger joint at gunpoint for not selling fish and chips, so he's improving.

We're talking about a guy who deliberately made weak stat choices for his NPCs because it was in keeping with their personalities. A clumsy bard with low Dexterity, for example.

That's normal, isn't it?

Maybe. I really can't say, since I've only played games run by two GMs, but this bard was intended as a party member, so at the very least I think everything would have turned into an escort mission or we would have left him to die with his low AC.

[Doktor Howl]

All he did was torture a goblin a little and stab it through both eyes with a spear.

And this was fun for everyone?

NEXT MONTH:  CHARLES MANSON, THE ROLE PLAYING GAME.

Maybe. I really can't say, since I've only played games run by two GMs, but this bard was intended as a party member, so at the very least I think everything would have turned into an escort mission or we would have left him to die with his low AC.

There is no substitute, when DMing, for preparation.  Second only to this is maintaining willing suspension of disbelief.  If all the NPCs are Godlike, it kind of becomes White Wolf-esque NPC theater.

So, yeah.  NPCs should be a bit wimpier than the PCs.

[President Television]

All he did was torture a goblin a little and stab it through both eyes with a spear.

And this was fun for everyone?

NEXT MONTH:  CHARLES MANSON, THE ROLE PLAYING GAME.

Not really. He's the kind of guy who does this sort of shit on a consistent basis, so everyone either looks the other way or stares slack-jawed. But what I'm saying is that he did better than he usually does. What he did was fun for him, and what I did was fun for me, and the two things never really intersected. But we each had fun in our own separate ways.
Wow, I'm actually defending this. Unbelievable.

Maybe. I really can't say, since I've only played games run by two GMs, but this bard was intended as a party member, so at the very least I think everything would have turned into an escort mission or we would have left him to die with his low AC.

There is no substitute, when DMing, for preparation.  Second only to this is maintaining willing suspension of disbelief.  If all the NPCs are Godlike, it kind of becomes White Wolf-esque NPC theater.

So, yeah.  NPCs should be a bit wimpier than the PCs.

Wimpier, yeah. That, I understand. Using one of the class's primary stats as a dump stat, though...
Oh, well. I think I'm approaching this from too much of a powergaming angle.

[Doktor Howl]

All he did was torture a goblin a little and stab it through both eyes with a spear.

And this was fun for everyone?

NEXT MONTH:  CHARLES MANSON, THE ROLE PLAYING GAME.

Not really. He's the kind of guy who does this sort of shit on a consistent basis, so everyone either looks the other way or stares slack-jawed. But what I'm saying is that he did better than he usually does.
Wow, I'm actually defending this. Unbelievable.

One of the ways I screen new players is by asking them to email me their character concept (or describe it, if we're talking in person).  Having DM'd since 1977, certain things are now clearly warning signs.

"I'm CN so I can do anything I want." (warning sign)

Wanting to play an evil character (instant disqualification).

Asking if they can template their character (no).

Asking if they can play a monster race (no).

Asking if they can play a drow (instant disqualification).

Asking what level they're starting at (FIRST).

After being told it's Pathfinder "book" rules only (no 3rd party, with a grand total of 5 house rules handed to them, clearly written), the question "Yeah, but can I play this one badass class from this cool 3rd party 3.5 supplement?"  (bye)

Is it okay to pass notes to the DM?  (GTFO).

***

When a new player is at the table for the first time, some things that ensure they won't be there a second time:

"I'm stealing the wizard's dagger."  Bye.

"I'm only playing my alignment."  Who chose the alignment, fuckwad?  Note that this is ALWAYS said after the player in question did something to spoil the session or even the campaign for at least one other player.

"Dibs on the magic thieves' tools!"...From the fighter.

Butthurt when you get knocked out, stat-hit, or killed.

[President Television]

Yeah. I agree with most of those, with one exception. CE guy wants to run an aquatic campaign, and I still can't wait for him to start so I can join in as a lizardfolk bard and be a lounge lizard. Sing "love boat" all game long.

I'd follow those rules myself when DMing if I wasn't so limited in terms of player selection. After all, a game with a psychotic killer oracle is better than no game at all, even if he occasionally steals the scene and cramps everyone else's style.
Though I might never allow him to play a bard again. Once I ran a session in which the players were sneaking through a dark, dark torture chamber, and one of them caught a glimpse of some shiny eyes in the distance, and the tension and mood was just perfect... and then a certain bardic jackass decides to burst into song, alerting the bugbear to the party's presence.
Needless to say, the neutral good ranger suffered no alignment shift for butchering him on the spot.

[Doktor Howl]

Yeah. I agree with most of those, with one exception. CE guy wants to run an aquatic campaign, and I still can't wait for him to start so I can join in as a lizardfolk bard and be a lounge lizard. Sing "love boat" all game long.

Have fun with the 3D battlemat.   

[Freeky]

Yeah. I agree with most of those, with one exception. CE guy wants to run an aquatic campaign, and I still can't wait for him to start so I can join in as a lizardfolk bard and be a lounge lizard. Sing "love boat" all game long.

Have fun with the 3D battlemat.   

Psh.  You see difficulty, I see OPPORTUNITY!