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Doktor Howl's official 2012 platform for the presidential election.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, January 13, 2011, 10:06:20 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

January 13, 2011, 10:06:20 PM
The EGfaBT Presidential Platform
(Doktor Howl Candidacy version)

1.  Seeing as how America has spent the last 8 years demanding secret police, and the last 31 years demanding that we get "tough on crime", I shall endeavor to do precisely these things.  If America wishes to have perverts staffing TSA checkpoints, I shall hire directly from the sex offender registry.  If they want a self-righteous doctrine of punishment, rather than equal protection under law and the right to due process, I shall ensure that mere accusation constitutes conviction.

Your children shall be arrested at school, your sisters and daughters will be forcibly groped – legally – by officials, and your sons shall be arrested and held without trial for crimes against the state.  This is what you have demanded; this is what I shall do.

2.  Seeing as how America has had it with the "entitlement state", all government assistance to the poor and elderly will be ended immediately.  In place of the previous programs, all poor people will be issued a 30 inch piece of lead pipe, and told to get their own money by whatever means they see fit.  The elderly, on the other hand, will be dealt with in what in some places is a more traditional method.  Your grandparents will be placed on icebergs and set adrift.  

These steps will end the evils of social security and welfare.  Again, I shall bow to the will of the majority in doing this.

3.  Whereas The People have demonstrated their hatred for illegal immigration, all illegal immigrants shall be drafted into penal battalions for the war effort (see article 4).  So-called "anchor babies" will be processed into special children's units at age 9, and sent to the front.  Failure of any person to be able to provide positive proof of citizenship on demand will result in the immediate induction of that person, with no "appeals" or any other liberal loopholes allowed to impede this process.

This step will both ensure a steady supply of troops, and will result in well trained, if sociopathic, young men who will certainly appreciate America for what it is.

4.  Whereas The People are obsessed with using military force to solve any problems, real or imagined, in the international arena, any person found to be without documentation (see article 3), or found to be an enemy of the state (see article 1), or accused of a felony or misdemeanor, shall be inducted into the armed forces, for deployment in wars against any and every nation accused of having terrorist connections.  The determination of what constitutes "terrorist connections" shall be at the sole discretion of Fox News.

May as well get it over with.

5.  Whereas The People have grown weary of the establishment clause of amendment I of the United States Constitution, only certain sects of Christianity will be permitted to exist in the United States.  Anyone accused of being of any other religion, or being an atheist or an agnostic, shall be deemed an enemy of the state, and dealt with accordingly (see article 4).  The permitted sects will consist of Baptists, Calvinists, and Catholics who know how to stay in line.

This is what you wanted, right?

6.  It being noticed that "scientists" insist on making assertions that displease The People, all scientists shall be interned and put to work constructively, developing new weapons for the military.  Any refusal of such duty will result in the offending scientist being inducted into a penal unit and shipped overseas for immediate front line duty.

This should put an end to any more nonsense about climate change or evolution.

See you at the polls, America.  One more time, anyway.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Remington

#1
January 13, 2011, 10:13:13 PM
Doktor Howl 2012: Change we deserve!
:mittens:
Is it plugged in?

Remington

#2
January 13, 2011, 10:15:02 PM
Is it plugged in?

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
January 13, 2011, 10:18:18 PM
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

hooplala

#4
January 13, 2011, 10:20:37 PM
What town do you live in Rem?  I'm moving there.
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)" — Walt Whitman

Adios

#5
January 13, 2011, 10:23:56 PM
I'm going to charge the White House with a pitchfork.

Suu

#7
January 13, 2011, 10:35:15 PM
I've decided to run against The Doktor, because I can.

...We need more candidates anyway.

Tonight I shall formulate my agenda, and announce my campaign.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Jasper

#8
January 13, 2011, 10:40:44 PM
Wow!  A platform I actually find scarier than Palin's.  That alone impresses me!

Got my vote. 

Cainad (dec.)

#9
January 13, 2011, 10:45:16 PM
We must, of course, invest in some of those coroplast (corrrugated plastic) campaign signs to stick along the side of the road.

Anyone got some design ideas?

Eater of Clowns

#10
January 13, 2011, 10:46:04 PM
As founding (and sole) member of the Arbitrary Egocentric Draconian contingent, you have our support.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Cainad (dec.)

#11
January 13, 2011, 11:13:30 PM
EVIL GENIUSES FOR A BETTER TOMORROW

Some of you may have noticed that some of these otherwise very commendable proposed changes might have a deleterious effect on people who are much wealthier than you.

Rest assured, I have spoken with the Good Doktor and we have agreed that the very rich should not be prosecuted for their crimes. After all, lawyer fees and court time take away from the time that the very wealthy have to put into making America better for The Rest of Us. But of course, this raises the issue of just where we set our limits on this sort of thing. Just how rich do you have to be to afford Deluxe Equality Under The Law?


Here is my proposal:

Every individual's liability in all civil and criminal cases will be tied directly to their income tax bracket. The higher your bracket, the more you can get away with. The top 0.5% don't even have to show up in court anymore, just a signed note from their personal secretary will do.

If you worked that hard to make that much money, you've EARNED all the Freedom you can get away with. It's what Ayn Rand would have wanted.

Epimetheus

#12
January 13, 2011, 11:14:32 PM
The Bewildermentarian Cabal officially withholds any endorsement for now.
POST-SINGULARITY POCKET ORGASM TOAD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
January 13, 2011, 11:17:30 PM
Quote from: Epimetheus on January 13, 2011, 11:14:32 PM
The Bewildermentarian Cabal officially withholds any endorsement for now.

Enjoy Tehran.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

#14
January 13, 2011, 11:17:59 PM
I'll lead the California campaign! I live in the best place possible for it to start, after all.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."
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