Plug a SNES controller into Sylvester Stallone's hairy nutsack. What do you get?

[trix]

Contra III
(inspired by a random review causing me to play it again)

Alright, I'm not the first to say this by a long shot, but:

The most bad ass video game ever made is called Contra III: The Alien Wars. Now, don't get me wrong, Contra and Super C are also bad ass, but Contra III perfects the bad ass formula that made old games awesome. I watched an Irate Gamer review on Contra III and that idiot sucked hard at the game, and kept whining because he sucked so bad and blaming the game. Here's the problem folks, most games reward the player for being a huge pussy. Contra III rewards the bad asses instead. Most hard games, if you want to survive, you have to play carefully, hang back, get a feel for the situation, figure out the pattern, and play around it. Not Contra. Contra, if you want to survive, you have to shoot everything that moves instantly, running full speed right at it blasting away. That's it, that's the secret of Contra. And the bosses? Well, you can hang back and try to dodge their shit like a pussy and do a little damage here and there, and eventually die, or, you can grab your nutsack and run right up to the monsters face and blow it to shit. Which, through some magical amazing AI programming, always works better! Bad, fuckin, ass.

Storyline. What storyline? Do you give a shit what the storyline in a shoot aliens game is about? Neither does Contra. There is no story line. No cut scenes. No whiny bitches to save. No pussy ass save points. The second you start the game, you get a big ass machine gun with infinite ammo (Yes, infinite ammo, no pussy ass ammo hunting in this game!) and 10,000 aliens coming right fucking at you. You don't have a pussy ass health bar or heart system or kevlar, no, you get hit one damn time on your toenail, you're fucking dead. That's it. This game is HARD. It doesn't fuck around. It's not quite as bad as the Irate Gamer pretends, because he plays like a pussy and sucks hard at Contra, but it ain't fuckin easy either. Even if you set the difficulty to easy, it's STILL hard as shit! And if you manage to beat it, it calls you a pussy and tells you to turn up the difficulty level! So beat it on normal, and guess what, it calls you a pussy again and tells you to up the difficulty to hard! That's right, this is the manliest video game ever made.

If you want to beat this game without cheating like a pussy, bring a friend. You want a friend that not only wont suck, but wont steal your fucking lives either. Yeah, that's right, when you 2player to try and gang up on this hardcore shit, and the suckier player runs out of lives, he can steal one from the better player! This is good if the one that doesn't suck is okay with it, but can be a real pain in the ass if you give the dude your life and he dies seconds later, only to steal another life.

I've probably played thousands of games in my life time, and Contra III is the most straight up bad ass manly killing spree of a game I have ever played. I mean, Duke Nukem is up there, but Contra III doesn't even bother with witty one liners or sunglasses or talking to bathroom mirrors, no, in this fucker you just shoot aliens then shoot some more aliens, then blow up some aliens while shooting other aliens. Every now and then you blow up a building or fortification or tank or something too, when they are low on aliens to slaughter.

[trix]

Because you all apparently have no taste in video games, I give MYSELF mittens!


Also, this place could use a Fun and Games forum for the gamers among us!  I like the RPG section, but there are other great games that aren't RPG as well...

Although, if I could find a decent DM (I've tried myself, I suck.) in my area, I'd participate more in the RPG section.

- trix

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nobody cares.

[Doktor Howl]

Nobody cares.

See, Nigel, this is exactly what I'm talking about.  You need to come out of that shell you're in, and try letting your inner child run around a bit.

Group hug?

Group hug.

[P3nT4gR4m]

This fread is now about Nigel's inner child. Finally it has a purpose!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nobody cares.

See, Nigel, this is exactly what I'm talking about.  You need to come out of that shell you're in, and try letting your inner child run around a bit.

Group hug?

Group hug.

[Doktor Howl]

Nobody cares.

See, Nigel, this is exactly what I'm talking about.  You need to come out of that shell you're in, and try letting your inner child run around a bit.

Group hug?

Group hug.

My head is on a little sideways, today.  But in a good way, for once.

[Suu]

I don't like video games.

See also, Douchebag #2: http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=29553.0

[trix]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I don't like video games.

See also, Douchebag #2: http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=29553.0

I love video games but shitty rants about them, not so much. Anyway about this internal offspring ...

[Doktor Howl]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

You're fucking with the wrong person here.  Just saying.

Dok,
Knows what Nigel did on 8/10/2010.

[trix]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

You're fucking with the wrong person here.  Just saying.

Dok,
Knows what Nigel did on 8/10/2010.

It's mostly her forum name... my mom is an insufferable bitch.

[Doktor Howl]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

You're fucking with the wrong person here.  Just saying.

Dok,
Knows what Nigel did on 8/10/2010.

It's mostly her forum name... my mom is an insufferable bitch.

Still, you don't want to wind up like poor little Billy.  He still can't walk straight.  It was awful.  Just awful.

[trix]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

You're fucking with the wrong person here.  Just saying.

Dok,
Knows what Nigel did on 8/10/2010.

It's mostly her forum name... my mom is an insufferable bitch.

Still, you don't want to wind up like poor little Billy.  He still can't walk straight.  It was awful.  Just awful.

  sounds like an amusing story, any chance you have a link laying around?  I wouldn't know what to forum search for.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nobody cares.

I care enough for the both of us.  I even care about you!  So much so, that I'd be happy to help you remove that giant stick from your anus, if you ever tire of it.

I was saving it there for you.