Author Topic: So here's a question  (Read 5167 times)

Sir Squid Diddimus

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So here's a question
« on: April 14, 2014, 07:36:50 am »
Kind of out of the blue, but you spags are the most logical and, quite honestly, realistically thinking people I know.
HYPOTHETICALLY (seriously, don't dig too deep into this shit, it's just a question I'm pondering)
What's worse on a child:
A) A parent suiciding themself,   OR
B) A child watching their parent suffer for their whole life, wondering when and if it's going to happen, and in those years, watching their parent degrade and suffer the entire way

My uneducated guess is B.
A, they can grieve and get over it after some undisclosed amount of time, and live on knowing their parent is finally at ease and content and FREE (from their depression, or ailment that wants this kind of thing, or whatever), while B, they would constantly have this worry in their hearts. "Will it be today? Tomorrow? Next week?"

What are your thoughts PD?

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2014, 08:11:57 am »
A.

B would only be worse if they had a slow but terminal illness. That's not necessarily a logical assessment other than you're going to die from it anyway and it's going to suck the whole way there. Suicide is still the taking of human life, which I find repugnant in all but a very narrow set of circumstances that necessitate it.

But I can't say that logic should apply in this situation. The kid's going to be really fucking upset either way. I don't think that the maturity to even process this hypothetical even exists until well into teenage years. But seeing them try to at least fight back and stay alive would probably be preferable.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2014, 08:26:33 am »
From personal experience and via friends/family, I would suggest the question to be somewhat moot.

It's like asking if it's worse to get stabbed in the left or right eye. Both fuck you up and cause considerable distress, trying to determine if one is somehow worse is a little difficult and irrelevant when you've got a bit of metal in your face.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2014, 12:49:52 pm »
The problem is that there is no really right or wrong answer for something like this. Both cause suffering and pain to the child in different ways. Plus there's a lot of factors involved, as there's no guarantee this child has the understanding that their parent is depressed and suicidal. And if they did understand, why aren't they getting involved to ensure the safety of said parent?

Toughie question.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2014, 01:10:22 pm »
Hmmm, it is difficult to compare two so disparate and ill-defined hypotheticals.
Situation A depends on the people that take care of the kid afterwards, if those are good at that sort of thing then this is the better option, if not then not.
Situation B depends on the way the not-suiciding parent handles the stress. Common responses to extreme stress are stupidity and violence.



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B                                                1             3                 
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2014, 03:55:01 pm »
A. My parents are a bit of an experiment on this. My maternal grandfather was bipolar and alcoholic, and killed himself when my mother was youngish. He may have left his body in the bathroom for one of her sisters to find, I'm not sure. Mom gets really skeevy when I ask about him, so I don't anymore. My mom, and all of her sisters (large Irish Catholic family), all have some level of depression, anxiety, and trauma. Probably at least partially genetic, but I wouldn't bet a kid on it. Don't underestimate the power of trauma on a child's developing mind.

My biological paternal grandmother was also an alcoholic, and while never diagnosed, my dad's family thinks she may have been self-treating for bipolar (also: large Irish Catholic family). She and paternal grandfather divorced after my dad's cohort was grown. My dad and all of his brothers, aside from being engineers, all seem neurotypical. We went to her house after she died, and she definitely was not - a hoarder, if nothing else.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2014, 06:05:21 pm »
Whichever kid has a worse support system when it happens, will suffer more.

Both situations are shitty.  Any kid faced with one, will probably feel that the other one would be better, because that's not the one they're dealing with.  Any kid that doesn't get stability and love in the wake of that will be fucked up for a long time because of it.

This is a really grim question.

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2014, 06:13:57 pm »
Kind of out of the blue, but you spags are the most logical and, quite honestly, realistically thinking people I know.
HYPOTHETICALLY (seriously, don't dig too deep into this shit, it's just a question I'm pondering)
What's worse on a child:
A) A parent suiciding themself,   OR
B) A child watching their parent suffer for their whole life, wondering when and if it's going to happen, and in those years, watching their parent degrade and suffer the entire way

My uneducated guess is B.
A, they can grieve and get over it after some undisclosed amount of time, and live on knowing their parent is finally at ease and content and FREE (from their depression, or ailment that wants this kind of thing, or whatever), while B, they would constantly have this worry in their hearts. "Will it be today? Tomorrow? Next week?"

What are your thoughts PD?

A.  Children of suicides tend to be suicides.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2014, 08:02:16 pm »
As a product of B, I think A would be more damaging for a number of reasons.

I've yet to meet a person with depressive tendencies that doesn't go through cycles. While they vary between individuals, and the elevated moods don't always equal out the depressed ones, there are periods that are better than others. Those periods, however brief, are an important thing to be able to look to.
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Sir Squid Diddimus

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2014, 10:18:08 pm »
Kind of out of the blue, but you spags are the most logical and, quite honestly, realistically thinking people I know.
HYPOTHETICALLY (seriously, don't dig too deep into this shit, it's just a question I'm pondering)
What's worse on a child:
A) A parent suiciding themself,   OR
B) A child watching their parent suffer for their whole life, wondering when and if it's going to happen, and in those years, watching their parent degrade and suffer the entire way

My uneducated guess is B.
A, they can grieve and get over it after some undisclosed amount of time, and live on knowing their parent is finally at ease and content and FREE (from their depression, or ailment that wants this kind of thing, or whatever), while B, they would constantly have this worry in their hearts. "Will it be today? Tomorrow? Next week?"

What are your thoughts PD?

A.  Children of suicides tend to be suicides.

I'm not sure I understand this answer.
Do you mean the children tend to suicide themselves also?
Cause I've never seen that happen (not to say it couldn't)

I know this is a weird ass question, but I'm curious because I wonder how it affects the kids involved.
A friend of mine with children, two friends of mine's mothers, and my grandfather all committed suicide.

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2014, 02:14:02 am »
My understanding was that children of people who commit suicide are more likely to commit suicide, not that they necessarily do.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2014, 04:01:47 am »
A.

Because you never really understand WHY, especially if it's not explained to you, over and over, until you understand and agree with the decision.

And it's gonna haunt you forever.

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2014, 04:37:48 am »
A is worse.
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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2014, 05:03:54 am »
Is the way the parent handles their suffering transparent to the child? Because while a suffering parent is terrible for the child, I imagine in many cases the full extent of the suffering is invisible to a child whose empathy and similar will still be developing. A dead parent is probably a more simple concept to digest.

Though I don't know from first hand experience, I have not heard many children of suicidal parents express that they know their parent is at ease and free from their depression. If there's any recurring theme, it's the understanding that 'my parent left me'.

I don't know at what age I got a proper handle on the impact of depression on either of my parents, but it would have been easy to be oblivious to, or understood as something entirely different to what it was.

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Re: So here's a question
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2014, 06:46:54 am »
I don't know, all I have is "I know this one guy..." and "My friend..."

But this has a ring of truth and is likely the correct motorcycle:

Whichever kid has a worse support system when it happens, will suffer more.

Both situations are shitty.  Any kid faced with one, will probably feel that the other one would be better, because that's not the one they're dealing with.  Any kid that doesn't get stability and love in the wake of that will be fucked up for a long time because of it.

This is a really grim question.
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