The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[P3nT4gR4m]

I just realised you're writing the script to the ultimate sitcom here. Does your life come with a laugh track?

[altered]

No, Howl has a live studio audience.

[P3nT4gR4m]

No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.

All the time 

[altered]

What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.

[The Johnny]

Something like a spinoff of Eraserhead would be fitting, the element of the weird laughtrack specially.

[Doktor Howl]

What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.

[Doktor Howl]

No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.

All the time 

We are very serious about havin' a good time, here.

[Doktor Howl]

Things I said at work today:

"Billy, take the new guy out back and shoot him."

"No, I can't take the day off just because it is a Saturday.  The things will not do themselves and we have a deadline.  It may be artificial and meaningless, but it is still a deadline."

"Steve, you can tell an artificial deadline from a real one by whether or not anyone loses funding by missing it.  Which means they are all real.  Why are you looking at me like that?"

[altered]

I've had some "take them out back and shoot them" moments today.

Highlight: a SERIES of MULTIPLE representatives replaced a woman's hardware over the course of a month. This equipment is NOT compatible with the woman's home, and if they had followed the clearly laid out instructions for troubleshooting, the VERY FIRST THING THERE is that it REQUIRES a mechanical box, not a digital one. Yes! Yes, she is having problems! They didn't pay attention, of course she's having problems!

So one month, 169 dollars and multiple headaches later this lady has to be informed by me that SIX REPRESENTATIVES SKIPPED BASIC TROUBLESHOOTING STEPS. I sold her a device that IS compatible at a discount, and gave her a month's free service in exchange. She's happy, I'm glad she's happy, but by god I wish someone would send these brave souls responsible for the mess marching out the third floor window in single file.

[Doktor Howl]

A short motivational talk I gave to my department, upon being told I needed to do motivational talks:

Weapons manufacturers are the most degenerate people on Earth.  You can see the crusted filth on their lips over the phone.  They have fat wallets and tiny necks, and the hubris of 1979 automotive executives.  They are the absolute scum of mankind, but their checks cash.  This is why we do business with them; we aren't the good guys, either.  It is said there is no ethical consumption under capitalism and we are the reason this is true.

I do not say this because I feel we should all roll around in our own evil.  I say it because we have one layer of purity in our otherwise depraved lives:  We get the job done.  Whether someone wants to topple a neighboring government, or just chop off an enemy's hand, people like us have ALWAYS been the go-to for the capability to do so.  I am reasonably sure that Nebuchadnezzar had a few dozen wise guys that just sat around all day inventing newer and better bow strings.  That's us.  We're that guy.  We have always been that guy.

We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better.

Now, I trust you are all properly motivated.  Let's get back to work.

[altered]

"We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better." Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???

[Doktor Howl]

"We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better." Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???

Sure, why not?

[Doktor Howl]

Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

Clayton:  "That might be a BIT aggressive."

Me:  "You obviously don't have the same kind of enemies I have."

Clayton:  "You're right, I don't.  That's sick."

Me:  "Our clients DO.  If I was selling to you, I'd say 'the best deterrent since the MIRV', but I am selling to people who think like me."

Doug:  "That's sick.""

Melissa:  "That is pretty sick."

Me:  "Have you people looked at what we DO for a living?  How about 'Make your enemies wake up deader,' or 'Your enemies won't wake up *anything*'?  If you want *healthy*, why are you even in this business?  We are not healthy people and we are not making a healthy product." 

Melissa:  "Or how about 'And nobody ever heard anything out of your rival's fat mouth ever again'?"

Me:  "See, that's what I'm saying.  This is a sick product for a sick time on a sick planet, and we should own that."

Melissa:  "...a sick product for sick people.  I can work with this."

Clayton:  "We can't call our clients sick."

Melissa:  "Not in so many words, no.  But if you give me a couple of days, I can say the same thing in a way that makes them want to be even sicker."

Clayton:  "Go with that."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "We're not the good guys, Doug."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Doug."

[altered]

How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. It's just the facts.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I don't know what you're selling, but I want one.