The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

This twerp is partially responsible.

https://arxiv.org/abs/1712.07962

One of the more bizarre properties of negative mass is that
which occurs in positive–negative mass particle pairs. If both
masses have equal magnitude, then the particles undergo a process
of runaway motion. The net mass of the particle pair is equal to
zero. Consequently, the pair can eventually accelerate to a speed
equal to the speed of light, c.

This is where this guy lost me.

That's because there's other mass in the universe, so this clown was forgetting Mach's Principle.

[Doktor Howl]

Okay, so you have this blue sky project, right?  You've been told to force electrons to "tunnel".  You don't care why or how, just that they do it.  And that loads of them do it in a very short period of time.

So you smack them with lasers pulsing a few hundred thousand times per second, to make this happen (it doesn't, at least not that we could prove.).  This may involve side effects of particles going bad (whoopsie, sorry everyone).  But it doesn't work.

The goal of all of this lies in an obscure postulation from the 90s.  When electrons tunnel, the space surrounding them gets "greasy".  Some dumbfuck called it "quantum foam" (this included for LMNO's benefit), which allows you move in different ways (Hello, HP Lovecraft).  Like up in time, so long as you return within 1/100,000 of a second ahead of where you left off (in objective time.  How long you fucked off for is up to you and your ability to withstand being sand blasted by particles that you pass through fast enough for them to effectively count as radiation (If a bullet hits you at 700 MPH, are you any more dead than you hitting a bullet at 700 MPH?).  Oh, and your fuel source.  That's kind of important, too.)

Now, once you get upstream, a few things would supposedly happen.

1.  The universe has to collapse probability because there is an outside observer.  So you get *a* version of the future.  Lottery tickets will not help you.  This is a potential future.

2.  When you can no longer keep the universe greasy, you snap back to where you were.  The universe doesn't care what condition you're in, just that the conservation books are balanced. 

3.  When snapback occurs, the potential universe ceases to exist.  An omnicide every trip!

If this sounds like bad science fiction, it is.  Except for a few interesting lines of math, this is utter shit, and has been from the beginning.  However, we did learn a few new tricks with lasers, only the patent doesn't belong to us.


State Congressman XYZ:  "So you're telling me that every time you start that thing up, there is a miniscule chance of getting this "vacuum decay" and wiping out creation?"

Me:  "Yes."

SC:  "And were you planning on doing that?"

Me:  "I have been doing it every day for two weeks.  Imagine my disappointment."

SC:  "..."

Me:  *stares motherfuckerly*

SC:  "You're nuts."

Norton:  "Oh, shit, here we go."

SC:  "What?"

Me:  "They called me...mad.

*meeting ends, project scrapped, waiting for new assignment."

[Faust]

I give it six months before the huge loss of distribution power is traced to the illegal lab built under Howls house. At which point it will be too late to stop him because he will have got the doomsday machine working despite the woolly physics, out of spite

[Doktor Howl]

I give it six months before the huge loss of distribution power is traced to the illegal lab built under Howls house. At which point it will be too late to stop him because he will have got the doomsday machine working despite the woolly physics, out of spite

I'll show them.  I'll show them all.

[LMNO]

I'm a bit puzzled about how this got into the large-scale experimental phase, since the theory seems as flimsy as it is.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm a bit puzzled about how this got into the large-scale experimental phase, since the theory seems as flimsy as it is.

This wasn't the large scale phase.  Our entire part of this was to see if these lasers could be used to influence particles.

The answer is "We don't know, but there is no data that indicates that we did shit except have a blinky-lights particle rave."

[Doktor Howl]

Well, okay, never mind then.

[LMNO]

I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?

[Doktor Howl]

I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?

Naw, that's done.  I'm on the bench for a bit.  So they have me hauling people's budgets into daylight to see what wiggles, while the lab monkeys tear down the chamber and pack up the lasers.

No idea what's next.

[The Wizard Joseph]

I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?

Naw, that's done.  I'm on the bench for a bit.  So they have me hauling people's budgets into daylight to see what wiggles, while the lab monkeys tear down the chamber and pack up the lasers.

No idea what's next.

I have some ideas for multi application cryogenic projectiles and possibly near indefinite heat retention "battery" cubes. Not really informed enough technically to piece together the specifics, but I have visions in my head and what seems like some sort of "technical" specs in my head on a regular. For example what substance stays solid at extraordinary high temperatures in a hard vaccuum best, and what is that max temp?

[Doktor Howl]

Dan:  "So, it's looking like Wyoming."

Me:  "By which you mean 'it looks like abject failure.'"

Dan:  "We can't afford a local move.  Wyoming will pay us to move."

Me:  "We print money.  Why can't we afford a local move?"

Dan:  "Because Wyoming will pay us to move."

Me:  "I will pay you $100 to stick your head in the dip tank."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "Because that's what's happening here.  We are moving to a mile and a half altitude hellscape of awful weather and mosquitoes the size of baseballs so that we can save a few bucks."

Dan:  "It's not a few bucks."

Me:  "Have you asked how many people are willing to move to Wyoming?  Most people would rather go to Delaware.  Or the competition."

Dan:  "That's why I need you to help me sell this."

Me:  "Did you just say that with your bare face hanging out?"

Dan:  "Maybe that wasn't such a great idea."

Me:  "No, I can totally do this.  Imagine it.  'Hey, Norton, remember how I never ever lie to you?  Wyoming is gonna be great!  There's lots to do and more right wing troglodytes than you can shake a stick at.  We can stay warm by burning cow flops!  Imagine the exciting night life of being 800 MILES FROM ANYTHING WHATSOEVER!"

Dan:  "Stop."

Me:  "CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP!  Once a year we can go hang out when the carnival is in town.  Rodeos 4 times a year.  Black flies!"

Dan:  "Oh, for the love of God..."

Me:  "Web-toed neighbors beating on drums at night.  Vile and arcane tomes they can't read!  Dick & Jane's Necronomicon Picture Book!"

Dan:  "Hamish..."

Me:  "A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS!"

Dan:  "Goddammit, Hamish..."

Me:  "THE ALBINO STOAT HAS BEEN SEEN AS FAR SOUTH AS SHERIDAN!  FLEE!  ALL IS LOST!"

Dan:  "HAMISH!"

Me:  "Yes?"

Dan:  "Can't you just say you're not on board with it?

Me:  "I like to stay positive."

Dan:  "Get out of my office."

Me:  "Righteo, I'll just start on that PR blitz."

Dan:  "unnnng"

Me:  "This is all normal, Dan."

[The Wizard Joseph]

 

I almost peed at "albino stoat"!

[Doktor Howl]

I gather I have a new project.  I get the files tomorrow.

[TheAudience]

Were you able to avert the move to Wyoming?

[Doktor Howl]

Were you able to avert the move to Wyoming?

No idea.

However, this project is disgustingly portable and will not help me resist that move. 

On the plus side, I will spend a lot of time shooting things, so yay for me.