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Topics - Red

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Discordian Recipes / Red's Low Fat Cookery
« on: March 17, 2014, 11:40:47 pm »
Like practically everyone else, I have been trying to lose weight. My main tactic is to cut the fat and keep on moving. So far I have dropped a couple pants sizes so it seems to be working!

I've noticed some of you fine people are also trying to keep an eye on their weight, so I'll share some of my finds with you here.  :) 

As the title suggests, I'm focusing on cutting out the fat as much as possible without using artificial sweetners or other aids. If the sugar levels look scary, get your butt down to the grocery store for Splenda and use that instead. Need powdered sugar? Crush the splenda up. Need brown sugar? Add in a little molasses or sorghum for flavor.

Notes before I get started:
Yes, I bastardize things a lot by using a microwave so feel free to alter stuff by using a stove or oven if you want. It should work about the same either way unless I warn you otherwise.

Basic Substitutions - this way I can get lazy with my descriptions! Not on a diet? Use regular stuff.
  • Eggs = fat free boxed eggs. ("Quick eggs") These are made out of eggs, not vegan.
  • Veggies = frozen vegetables. I find these allow better portion control and you don't end up buying water
  • Bacon = turkey bacon.
  • butter = ACTUAL BUTTER. Hey, sometimes you just have to go all the way!

2
Or Kill Me / Times of Night
« on: March 15, 2014, 05:55:13 am »
I feel the clock needs to have better names for the times of night. I have been on graveyard shift so long that these nicknames have stuck in my head... maybe they will help someone? Probably not. Either way the aristrocrats renamed times!

8 Pm: Finally Awake O'clock (The sun is gone. Hooray!)
9 Pm: "Normal" bedtime O'clock (AKA "Silence of the norms.")
10 Pm: Still early O'clock (Damnit, why is everything closed?)
11 PM: Night is young O'clock (What? You're tired already?)
12 AM: Midnight (AKA "The Pumpkin hour")
1 Am: Getting Started O'clock (Sleep is for the WEAK.)
2 AM:  Time Warp o'clock (Wait, where did 1 AM go?)
3 AM: Awesome O'clock (the time in which you find the awesome)
4 AM: Derp O'clock (the time in which your brain becomes oatmeal)
5 Am: gotobed O'clock (smile.jpg)
6 AM: Too Damn Early O'clock (only old farts and the damned are up)
7 AM: Curse the SUN O'clock (SKREEE! HISS!!)

And that's my night. Currently it's just passing out of time warp and into awesome.

3
Apple Talk / Personalized Dictionary
« on: February 23, 2014, 08:51:33 am »
Moving this to the dictionary.

Do you have any words or phrases that you made up and use in your every day life? If so, come share some of them here so we can grab them and pretend we're so awesome for using our own special language appreciate them in all their glory!

Here's a couple of mine...

Walmartian: A person who clearly does almost all if not all of their shopping at Walmart. They often are proud of this fact and talk about shopping at Walmart a lot. Bonus points if they do all their shopping around 2-3 AM when the midget hookers are stalking the aisles. Triple points if they actually are the midget hooker in question.

Example: Joey is a major Walmartian- he never shops anywhere else!

FUn: A feeling of determined frustration at an event that one must finish. It's one of those events that puts the "F*** YOU" in fun.

Example: Taking my exams was FUn.

ORANGE JUICE: Any event which seems emotionally difficult at the time, but in hindsight will probably seem like nothing or even turn out to be funny. Can also be used as an exclamation of emotional anguish during one of these situations.

Ok, there's a story on this one...

My best friend was trying to open a box of orange juice and failed miserably. It has been a bad week, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. She slumped to the floor, sobbing because she felt like a waste of a human being for not being able to open a box of orange juice. Suddenly everything in her life sucked even more than before and nothing in the world mattered because she couldn't even open a box of orange juice. When her dad found her and asked what was wrong, she wailed "ORRANGE JUUUIIICEEE!!" and collapsed in tears.

She's planning to say that on her death bed now.
Citizen Kane can keep his sled, she'll have the ORANGE JUICE.

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