Anachronisms

[Doktor Howl]

Pancho and Lefty never did know when to quit.  They were old-time train robbers, desperados, and they never did actually adjust to the law coming to the old West.  They just kept doing their thing.

It's difficult, you must realize, to rob a modern train from horseback.  The damn things go fast as hell, and when you finally do get on, there's no payroll or bejeweled passengers to rob.  The internet took care of all of that, with all this new digital payroll.  They still rob the trains, though, because they're a certain type of people, and robbing trains is what they do.

The TSA and the FBI have investigated them, and have stated that they could put a stop to the train holdups anytime they chose to...But nobody's getting hurt, and nothing of any real value is taken (try to fit a conex box on a horse).  Sure, it's still armed robbery, but who wants to be the guy that ended that chapter of history forever?

It's even said that the train drivers slow down a bit when they see the old guys coming.  They're not as spry as they once were and neither, for that matter, are their horses.  

They do it, they say, because this new world of iPods and the internet and 3000 channels on the TV is no fit life for a human being.  They have nothing but scorn for Bernie Madoff, who was nothing more than a slick confidence man...And don't even get them started on bankers.

No, they'll tell you about campsites and hideouts (even if nobody is looking, you have to have a hide out), and hoof beats kicking up dust as they pull up even with the locomotive.  "That's living", they say, and any who want to laugh at them for their anachronistic behavior should be prepared to for them to laugh right back.

"Look at you, with your mobility scooters and your mortgages and your credit cards!  Look at you, with your debt and your worries and your safe lives.  Just LOOK at you, you've been DEAD for 30 years!  Go find your grave and crawl in it, you fucking zombies!  We're ALIVE, and we plan to stay that way until we get killed.  You won't find us dying in front of a computer or a TV or any of the other modern gewgaws designed to make ROBOTS out of you!

"Keep your trinkets, your toys, your cheap Chinese crap that you've been told you need.  Stay in your mausoleums.  Live your "lives".

"Now if you'll excuse us, the 4:15 from El Paso is due in about 15 minutes, and I have a birthday gift for Jack, the engineer.  Known him for years.

And they rode off through the desert, plumes of dust from a cleaner time.

Okay for now,
Dok

[Phox]

Wow.

[Luna]

Oh, YES!

[Doktor Howl]

Pancho and Lefty rode across the desert, annoyed by the sight of high tension lines, which ruined the view.  It was getting dark, and time to make camp.  Beans & bacon, again...It had always been beans & bacon, and Pancho still wasn't used to the horrible gas that Lefty emitted as a result.  Every day.

As they began to assemble the camp, however, there was a bright light all around them.  The starship hovered in place for a moment, then zipped into the heavens.  The empty camp below was soon visited by coyotes, drawn to the smell of the bacon.

*ouch*

Pancho wanted to wipe his mouth.  He'd been sicker'n even that last round at Madam Tien's bordello last June, when he'd gotten into the mescal for a weekend.  He couldn't, however, do anything about it, as he was strapped to some kind of table.  Groans to his right told him that Lefty wasn't feeling much better.

He looked around.  He was in a featureless grey room, with a very low white light illuminating it from strips on the ceiling.  There were no doors that he could see, and no other occupants save Lefty and himself.  A mild panic began to build.

"Get ahold of yourself, man", he though to himself, "You've been in rougher spots than this."  His wrists were strapped down, but he was still able to slip his hand in his pocket, where his folding knife was.

A half hour later, he was free, and cut Lefty loose.

"What're we gonna do?", asked Lefty?

"Simple, ya idjit.  We're gonna lay back down and make it look like the straps are still good.  Then when whatever John Law got us comes in, we jump him."

"Okay."

After about another half hour, a section of the wall irised open, and two small humanoids walked in.  They were little guys, with gray skin, large heads, and dead black eyes. 

"I heard about these guys", Lefty whispered, "They're gonna probe us."

And indeed, one of the gray creatures approached the table Pancho was on, brandishing a silvery metallic rod of some kind.

"Hell with that.", Pancho said, slid off the table...And kicked the grey dude in the junk.  The alien let out a high-pitched whistle and fell to the floor.  Lefty leapt off his table and punched the other alien in the face.  The Alien started to get up, and Lefty started doing the groin-stomp boogie on him.

A moment later, more aliens poured through the door, just as Lefty had managed to stick his alien in a grey cloth bag he had found, and was just beginning to beat the sack against the wall.

Three of the aliens aimed something that looked like pistols at Lefty.  He dropped the bag.

The lead alien said, in a hoarse voice, "You are interesting subjects.  This is good."

"Subjects for what?"

"Experimentation."

"I heard about you guys all the time.  You've been probing people for years.  What are you looking for?"

"We aren't sure", the alien rasped, "We were told to probe humans, and then the masters left.  We are terribly bored, of course, but orders are orders."

"You've been sticking rods up peoples' butts for years?  What the hell kind of job is that?"

"It is the job we have.  The masters have given their instructions.  Now, please get on the table."

"Or else what?"

"Or else we shoot you."

"If you shoot us, you won't be able to probe us."

"That does present a problem."

"Well," Lefty said, "This here is what we call a 'Mexican stand off.'  These things can go on for days.  Unless you're interested in a quicker resolution."

"What do you propose?"

Lefty grinned, and pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket.

"You boys ever play poker?"

To be continued

[Elder Iptuous]

Oh, i like where this is going. 

[Adios]

Aw hell, I only rob trains anymore because the women like to kiss me.

And you're sleeping downwind tonight you bastard.

Oh, and 2 pair does not beat a flush, but that was damn well played.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I like where this seems to be headed...

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Liking the twist here. And how the greyfaces in the story are literally greys.

[Triple Zero]

Hahaa I like this story! Especially the aliens!

(check it, Aliens playing poker, no Greys though)

[Doktor Howl]

"So, what are we going to do with a spaceship, Pancho?"

"I don't know.  We could go to another star, buzz the locals?"

"Naw, the head alien dude says this bird isn't capable of getting to other stars.  Says you need a mothership for that."

"So where's the mothership?"

"Away.  Won't be back for years."

Pancho pondered for a while.  "We could rob trains with it."

"Naw, you need horses for that.  It's tradition."

"Point."

Lefty looked around at the bridge of the spaceship he'd just won at the poker table.  The controls were fantastically simple, but he'd keep the crew on, because they really had no other place to go, did they?

An idea dawned on him.  A horrible, insane, hilarious idea.

"Hey, Grey Dude...You know where Washington, DC is, right?"

"Yes", replied the Grey, "it is the capitol of your nation-state."

"Okay, here's what I want you to do..."

[Luna]

 

Oh, dear...

[Doktor Howl]

"Mister President, you HAVE to get out of here."

"Thank you, General, but where I am I going to go?  That damn thing has been hovering right above us for hours.  Do the aliens have any more demands?"

"No, Mister President.  We left the cases of smokes, 'ham sammichs', and crappy bourbon on the lawn, and they just sort of beamed them up."

"Any other changes?"

"No.  We have a full squadron of fighters orbiting them, but so far, nothing."

Up in the ship, Lefty staggered over to the communications console.  Pancho was sprawled across the co-pilot's seat, smoking a panatella.

"Okay, Grey Dude, next tell them that we wish to meet with a cultural emb...emb...repre...zentative."

Pancho started giggling.  "I vote for Marissa Miller!"

"No, we have to be dead serious about this, Pancho.  This is the first time we actually get to meet Earthings, remember."

"HAW HAW!"

The Grey at the communications console spoke into the microphone.  "Attention, Earthlings.  We wish to meet with a cultural representative."

"Tell him it better be one that accurately represents America's core values."

The Grey complied.  Pancho and Lefty dissolved into helpless laughter.

"If I may ask, what is so funny about this request?", the Grey asked.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  Pancho seemed dangerously close to pissing himself.

"It's like this", Lefty replied, "No two Americans can agree on what their culture is.  Mostly because they don't have one.  It's a collection of other cultures, along with a puritan ethic left over from 400 years ago.  They'll be arguing for DAYS about this.  The TV pundits alone will be going berserk."

"Request for clarification: What is a 'Puritan'?"

"It's someone who feels that enjoying oneself is itself a sin."

"Your world is a nightmare, human.  It is fundamentally mad."

"You're telling ME?  I have to LIVE there."

The alien, unsure how to take this, turned back to his communications board.

Pancho giggled again, "So, what do we do when they finally pick one?  I mean, IF they finally pick one?"

"Dunno.  I haven't thought that far ahead.  Let's just wing it."

The alien turned back to them.

"As you predicted, it seems to be utter chaos down there.  There seems to be two major factions with extremely different ideas."

"They arguing yet?"

"Not as such.  It seems that both factions themselves have factions, and those sub-factions are the ones arguing."

"Okay.  When they really get going, tell me, and we'll name the representative."

Pancho looked over.  "Who did you have in mind?"

Lefty just grinned.

to be continued

[Triple Zero]

"Naw, you need horses for that.  It's tradition."



this is getting better and better!!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Ahahahaha this is GREAT!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

This ruuuuuuules.