Payne's Messiah Complex

[Doktor Howl]

Dillinger stole the money.
Ken Lay stole the pensions.
But Payne took the piss.

[Doktor Howl]

To understand Payne, you must understand Pixie.  This painful Truth cannot be avoided, no matter how hard she hits you.  "BIGGER IS BETTER!", she yells, referring to the bumps on your head.  Pixie is usually kind to the help, but cannot abide sissies and lesser wimps.  There are no emo kids in Southampton, because she either cures them, kills them, or sends them screaming for London, where they sit around in Trafalgar Square, moaning about how things were so much more deliciously SAD in Southampton, and how put upon they all are...When they SHOULD be glad that they escaped with their make up & fishnet stockings.

Pixie isn't concerned with their fate, or the fate of London for that matter...She just doesn't want to deal with people moping all the time, so she gives them something to REALLY cry about.  She once travelled to Arizona, and Hot Topic's stock fell 20 points on the news alone.

[LMNO]

I need this in pocket-sized tome, bound with human skin.

[Doktor Howl]

I need this in pocket-sized tome, bound with human skin.

You have a constitutional right to that.

[LMNO]

PRAISE PAYNE!

[Doktor Howl]

In 2006, CIA gangster police beat me bloody and dragged me here in chains from Chicago Ohare Airport. Since then I hide in forced handjobless poverty, isolated alone in this...City.  The brazen deadly gangster police spray me with poison nerve gas from automobile exhausts and even lawn mowers.  Deadly assaults even in my yard with knives - even bricks and stones - even deadly touch "tavid" or electric shock flashlights, even remote electronically-controlled, around corners trajection of deadly touch tarantula spiders, or even bloody murder accidents...All to shut me up forever with a sneaky  undetectable extermination, even with trained parrotting puppet assasins in maximum security insanity prison, just for writing these unforgivable TRUTHS.

Until my undetectible extermination, I, Doktor Howl, stand with Payne against your mad, deadly, world-wide conspiratorial gangster computer God Communism, with wall-to-wall deadly gangster electrobots.

AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

[Doktor Howl]

10 DEADLY SINS that you - YES, YOU - can commit to be more like Payne:

1.  Presenting logic puzzles to BNP members.
2.  Drinking shitty beer and LIKING it.
3.  Bonsai-ing your hair.
4.  Not bonsai-ing your beard.
5.  Banzai-ing your beard.
6.  Eating canned haggis.
7.  Dropping ass in the bed.
8.  Human pandering.
9.  Failing to WOMP for extended periods of time.
10.  Nun-lathering.

[Freeky]

 

[Doktor Howl]

More wisdom from Payne:

That's the nature of the beast:
Run as fast as you can to keep the grease flowing, the grease that allows you to run at all.  Do not ask where you are going, just GO.  And don't look back.  Something might be gaining on you.

[Doktor Howl]

Concerning teabaggers, occupiers, libertarians, Obama fans, and Ron Paul voters:

If someone veers off in the wrong direction due to lack of information, Payne can correct that...But if you hook 'em up to a Richterian response meter and the needle barely even twitches, you're in PLEASE POUND MY HEAD WITH AN UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY territory.  Its enough to make you defecate, I tell you!  PROJECTILE defecate!

People wear these ideologies like they're hazmat suits.  They're sure to cover EVERY INCH of themselves, so that NO NEW IDEAS might stick to them.  They're SO sure that THEY'RE right and that EVERYONE ELSE is wrong that you can't smear any Holiness™ on them, no matter how hard you swing.

Why?  Because these groups have ALL THE ANSWERS, so long as you ONLY ASK AUTHORIZED QUESTIONS.  They've got the cure-all for 220 years of weirdness.  They're GENIUSES, because they have EASY ANSWERS TO VERY COMPLICATED PROBLEMS.  All they have to do is to get everyone, every primate on the planet, to accept their swill and ACT IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT NATURAL FOR PRIMATES.

Of course, if you tell them that their easy answers have been tried and tried, over and over again...Or if you're so rude as to point out the HUGE FUCKING FLAWS, then you're an example of someone who should be shot or reeducated or marginalized or whatever.  They're ALL THE SAME, when it comes down to the nut-cutting.  You can judge ANY system by what it does or plans to do with dissidents, and right now, a lot of these people are starting to look like RED FUCKING CHINA.

They make no fucking sense.  And they like it that way.

[Doktor Howl]

I guess that's enough.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question:  "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"

His answer was this:  "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."

This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name.  He is now in a wheelchair.

Well, he's been in a wheelchair my entire adult life. just for perspective. Dude has lots of time to think.

[Doktor Howl]

Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question:  "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"

His answer was this:  "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."

This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name.  He is now in a wheelchair.

Well, he's been in a wheelchair my entire adult life. just for perspective. Dude has lots of time to think.

Well, sure.  Payne beat him up 40 years before he asked the question.

This is why 299,792,458 meters per second isn't just a good idea, it's the LAW.

[Doktor Howl]

Heh.

I guess Payne is just some guy I used to know.

[AFK]

No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!

We can all only hope to be like him. 

Dude Rocks like no other.