One Sentence Rants

[Oysters Rockefeller]

If I blamed the shit on you and punched you in the fayce, I'd be a banker.

"YOU fed ME that cheeseburger, so it's YOUR fault that I shat on the couch. I'm going to punch you in the face, and if you don't pay to have the couch professionally cleaned this instant you're going to jail. Also, the couch belongs to me now."

-CEO of NavBank

What's happening?!
I just wanted to withdraw five bucks!

[navkat]

THIS TURD IS TOO BIG TO FAIL.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

JUST BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE THAT I LIVE IN DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WANT TO HEAR YOUR NONSTOP INANE RAMBLING ABOUT WHAT YOUR DOG IS OR IS NOT EATING I DO NOT CARE

SHUT UP

FUCK YOU I'M SICK.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

Dear friends and family who are so full of your own BULLSHIT, you'd rather have me believe I'm fucking CRAZY than face the steaming pile of nonsense you just shat into my lap: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

But you are nuts, Navvie.

Of course, this doesn't mean they AREN'T full of shit.

How's the song go? Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not fucking pricks?

[Juana]

I don't care that I have no idea what you're saying; shut the fuck up. This is a goddamn library and your yapping is not fucking welcome.

[Forsooth]

"What the fuck do you mean you had a panic attack, and subsequently have a $3500 (USD) medical bill for it?"

[Doktor Howl]

"What the fuck do you mean you had a panic attack, and subsequently have a $3500 (USD) medical bill for it?"

That one is easy.  Many people mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack.  The ER is going to treat it as one until they know differently.

That racks up expenses fast.

[navkat]

^^^BEEN THERE. Fortunately, I was still in the military, and therefore, covered by Unca Scroo--I mean Uncle Sam when I got my first OHMYGODI'MDYING.

Unfortunately, they didn't tell ME what it was, they just tried to send me back to my rack with a bottle of Klonopin and (I'm sure) 800 mg Motrin. They prescribe 800 mg Motrin for everything.

[Doktor Howl]

^^^BEEN THERE. Fortunately, I was still in the military, and therefore, covered by Unca Scroo--I mean Uncle Sam when I got my first OHMYGODI'MDYING.

Unfortunately, they didn't tell ME what it was, they just tried to send me back to my rack with a bottle of Klonopin and (I'm sure) 800 mg Motrin. They prescribe 800 mg Motrin for everything.

Traumatically amputated leg?

Motrin.  Food powder for the other foot.  Move the fuck out.

[navkat]

^^^That in itself is a fantastic rant. Here's another one:

COMRATS? WHY IN FUCK'S BOTULISM-INFECTED VAGINA WOULD I NEED COMRATS? I FUCKING LOVE RECONSTITUTED EGG-FOOD!

[Forsooth]

That one is easy.  Many people mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack.  The ER is going to treat it as one until they know differently.

That racks up expenses fast.

upon further interrogationinvestigation, she did think she was having a heart attack. and she is around 60 years old

[Doktor Howl]

That one is easy.  Many people mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack.  The ER is going to treat it as one until they know differently.

That racks up expenses fast.

upon further interrogationinvestigation, she did think she was having a heart attack. and she is around 60 years old

Then she acted in a prudent manner.  The first hour after a heart attack is crucial.  People who tough it out for a while, so to speak, usually wind up dying within 2 years, due to the damage the heart takes.

[navkat]

Fuck yeah, gramma. Most people are in denial for 2 hours before they say "Hey, this chest pain that isn't going away and feels like the entire cast of Oompa-loompas are sending off Augustus Gloop inside my ribcage might be something srs."

Then I get to work out my arms and pecs and you die.

[Cain]

I don't wanna constrain my rants to one sentence!  One-sentencism is the cancer that is killing PD!  If I limit my rant to a single sentence, I might as well post it on Twitter or Facebook!  I am a man, not an arbitrary number limit!  I will not be told to shorten my rants for your ADHD suffering generation of lackwits and spoonfeed fools! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

[Doktor Howl]

I don't wanna constrain my rants to one sentence!  One-sentencism is the cancer that is killing PD!  If I limit my rant to a single sentence, I might as well post it on Twitter or Facebook!  I am a man, not an arbitrary number limit!  I will not be told to shorten my rants for your ADHD suffering generation of lackwits and spoonfeed fools! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

This.

Dok,
One word ranter.