To the women but mostly to You

[Sepia]

They are the most important, to our lovers, our catalysts that work in mysterious ways when we're not there, the beauties that make us work and think and function, I've met a couple of you and you've been so important, I don't know why, I don't know if it's the feeling of a caveman being dragged towards your lovely cunts, a vulgar word I embrace wholly as not a negative word with negative connotations but a fact, a word that describes good where vagina is too medical, fanny too british, fig/rose/oyster too poetic for my tastes but a cunt, usually something for sale and many people will say that's bad but since I started working full-time with making food, I see nothing negative with the concept of a whore because a chef is the one next time line when it comes to the oldest careers in the world.

Eat drink man woman is a beautiful movie about making food because it's not about making food, it's just some chefs that muse over life and what it is, something chefs never do unless they're way too drunk and are bitter because they didn't find anything to slip their cock into. Never have I been in a line of work where they find more pride in their ignorance but I may have been unlucky with where I work because it's still just people but damn, the percentage of people in this business that have no interest at all in challenging themselves with books or movies or something that's different culturally is quite astounding.

This is supposed to be about the women, not me, not cooks and chefs. I think this will be the first chapter, the first rant of the book that is getting there, through procrastination but most importantly through the women. It was inspired and made through you, my muses, my darling beautifuls. So much time I've spent thinking about you, so much time and space spent on you and almost every second of it has been worth it, some of it not but that has been a part of my terror, my fears and it's not been about you at all, it's been me. Navel-gazing never brought anything of worth into this world no matter how interesting a person it is that's been gazing.

I'm sorry for you my darlings but I'll mention you by name because your presence in my life has changed something, made it different. Synnøve, Cecilie, Alice, Sheila and Bryn. I know I shouldn't do this, I know I should name someone because there's always some that will be left out and feel rejected and while I love you too, your impact was different, not a part of this and it's not been orchestrated, these are just the random cases that have hit me with a hammer filled with emotions, thoughts and concepts, you've marked me in ways that work through my writing while you others have marked me in other ways. Do not feel left out because you aren't and you are too women that have affected me that I care for and saying sorry was always my problem.

You've awakened me many times, you've made me remember things I had forgotten, all of you different, different things that build me into what I am because love is always narcissistic. In the end it's all about the me but there you were, teaching me we could transcend that and you were right but even as I give head I feel it's about me. I don't expect anything in return, my pleasure in giving you pleasure, hopefully, is enough for me, I've never been one to cherish the receiving. Which would make me halfways a magician if I believed in it.

See? We always return to me but then again, this is me talking, writing. This is me being inspired by you, You. YOU were my catalyst and I'll remember you as that and you'll know who you are if you ever read this. You are the one I have freshest in my memory, you were the one that drove me to this and I think it is the memory of you that will drive me further. You all drove me further, at a time, you all pushed these boundaries beyond, for me and everything I've written I've given a damn about, you were the reason, you were the ones at a positive fault, you were the ones that made me do this because it's the only way I could do it, the only way I could treasure and cherish you was always through my keystrokes, always through the pen hitting the paper, always through this form of art that is like any other art, founded in the past tense and like memories this is where I'll always find you.

Under a tilted mirror I'll see you, all of you, I'll feel you and remember your smells and scents, so wonderfully linked, my muses. My calliopes I'll never bind because that would take away what you are, your beings, filled with freedom and the lack of fear, the things in your minds that touch me and teach me the old forgotten secrets. Parts of my heart I have shattered and left to you because you will always be in my hearts, you will always be missing parts that make it whole, phantom feelings without pains, phantom hearts pumping phantom blood through my phantom emotions, turning real whenever I meet one of you, one, a ghost living a half-life, you gave me the most of all of them, memory might obscure, memory might be rose-tinted but you gave me something I needed so much, the I in me, not the us, not the we.

I am I now, I am remembering and I will forget but now I am remembering and I remember the future, every deja vu I've had and will have, future memory, future you, we will have breakfasts in this future and it will always be my favorite meal with you, I'll be grumpy and hungry, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee before we eat and I'll drown in your eyes, the abyss of your eyes but drowning in beauty doesn't sound too bad, it sounds nice, like a nice death, a fine enough death and while I promised myself these would be about the women, I'm too fascinated about you, woman, not really certain what I am-
in love, love, infatuated, curious, interested. I'll meet you again the the knowledge of that is enough, tilted mirrors make everything I write public knowledge, a wall is being breached but it's far away from here and I'm getting drunk off good german beer, remembering you and what we will share in the future because you are it.

The future, darling, the future. In the future I'll kiss your mind and while physical you is perfect, it is your mind I'm attached to, it is what keeps it going and the future is your mind. and breakfast.

[Juana]