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Messages - Doktor Howl

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1
So one of my janitorial crew members is apparently Billy's long-lost twin brother.

*standing by the water treatment plant*

Nick:  "So you guys know about this sort of thing?"

Me:  "Yup."

Nick:  "What's it like in there?"

Billy:  "Unadulterated horror."

Nick:  "What?"

Me:  "It's basically world war I in there.  Non-stop chemical warfare, only the Huns are microbes."

Billy:  "Genocide every day.  If things go right."

Nick:  "But they're just germs."

Billy:  "'Just germs, he says."

Me:  "You need to see the sewage treatment plant on the South end.  It's the other way around there...By which I mean, you spend all day trying to keep germs alive."

Nick:  "Why?"

Billy:  "What do you think eats the poop?"

Nick:  "I never thought about it, really."

Me:  "Imagine a few billion workers, furiously eating shit all day, while trying not to drown."

Nick:  "So, like my life."

Nick gets it.  Nick is not going to be a janitor for long.  No, Billy and I see big things ahead for him, and I think maybe he needs to get moved into the water management side of things.

2
Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: January 19, 2018, 12:23:51 am »
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, this is Chef Ronald.  Don't get too close, he is a tightly-wound ball of anger and lives to make people cry.  Chef, this is Billy.  He has never in his life cried, and I doubt you can do the job, either."

"There is absolutely no reason for signs that say 'no adult diapers' around a pool for rich old people who have never had to obey rules in their lives.  Just order more pool supplies and try not to think about it."

"Before, I was untitled and lowly.  Now I am DIRECTOR Tarwell, and it has in fact gone straight to my head.  I am mad with power.  I'm basically the shithead politician/exec that dies gruesomely at the end of the movie, but has amazing cuff links.  Stop looking at me that way."

3
High Weirdness / Re: Chicken grows face of dinosaur
« on: January 18, 2018, 03:03:10 am »
Uh, you misunderstand me Dr. Howl.   I have no offer of a deal. You fascinate me. I could never agree to not interact with you. Is that a bannanable offense? You're the power-possesser here.

Nope.  The 6 things that get you banned were listed on registration.  It's not my fault if you sign things without reading them.

4
Apple Talk / Re: Hopeful but realistic ten-year scenarios
« on: January 17, 2018, 01:33:18 am »
Arpeio is about 45 miles from me.  I still advocate the use of nuclear weapons against him.

I sympathise. He seems extremely... unsavoury. When you get one, if they do package deals, could you get one for our beloved leadership Orbán, too?

Get your own.  I'm using all of them on Maricopa County.

5
Apple Talk / Re: Hopeful but realistic ten-year scenarios
« on: January 16, 2018, 01:09:26 am »
10 years from now:

Ted Nugent is president, still shitting himself.
Joe Arpieo's festering corpse is nailed to a seat in the senate, and is a shrine to Nazis.
Public education tops out at 3rd grade, if you can pay the fees.
Youtube is nothing but Oasis tribute bands, but it doesn't matter because your service doesn't include youtube.
Warren Ellis still hasn't finished Doktor Sleepless.
The Republic of Texas fragments into 4 smaller states.
Anger is an official gender.

I see your much revered optimism has ony matured with age. Will there be an official pronoun to go with the angry gender? What will it take to upgrade to youtube? Also, so you do not predict a Major Human Population Reduction Event on that timescale, that's encouraging... I looked up the other guys you mentioned, Ted for Prez would also be an improvement, so really you are forecasting a happyfest. This Arpeio guy's local to your part of the world, right? and Ellis, he isn't even American! Public Education: do you really think it'll top out? Isn't it needed to produce reasonable-grade machine-fodder?

Arpeio is about 45 miles from me.  I still advocate the use of nuclear weapons against him.

6
Apple Talk / Re: Hopeful but realistic ten-year scenarios
« on: January 15, 2018, 04:37:30 am »
10 years from now:

Ted Nugent is president, still shitting himself.
Joe Arpieo's festering corpse is nailed to a seat in the senate, and is a shrine to Nazis.
Public education tops out at 3rd grade, if you can pay the fees.
Youtube is nothing but Oasis tribute bands, but it doesn't matter because your service doesn't include youtube.
Warren Ellis still hasn't finished Doktor Sleepless.
The Republic of Texas fragments into 4 smaller states.
Anger is an official gender.

7
Principia Discussion / Re: Exposers exposed! #exposersexposedoncam
« on: January 15, 2018, 03:40:21 am »
The internet is a moshpit for 'free' speech >

The internet is full of 'exposers', exposing evil canned-tuna companies that "sold their sole to Bob" >

Exposers have billions of subscribers for exposing nothing >

When are we going to expose them? (and buy some bread and milk, we're out)

I am for conspiracy for its own sake.  I ain't exposin' shit.  Unless it's Saturday Night.

8
Apple Talk / Re: Help me get banned! Win prizes!
« on: January 15, 2018, 03:38:46 am »
Most of you responded defensively to my drunken criticism of this board.

Action/reaction.  How else did you expect people or the universe in general to respond?

:notnice:

9
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Free Russian Orphans with Every Purchase
« on: January 12, 2018, 10:37:45 pm »
Will do. Must have missed this drama too, so will look for that as well

It was on a closed page called Mass Debaters.

10
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Free Russian Orphans with Every Purchase
« on: January 12, 2018, 05:34:47 pm »
3 days in FB jail for taunting a crunchie (some "Jan" guy).

 :lulz:

Cain, can you do me a favor and post that I'm out for 72 hours?

11
High Weirdness / Re: Chicken grows face of dinosaur
« on: January 11, 2018, 07:22:56 pm »
At least it would increase the possibility of my getting a seat on the train.

That would be day 31 of 30 Days of Eris.

12
High Weirdness / Re: Chicken grows face of dinosaur
« on: January 11, 2018, 07:22:31 pm »
I WANT A FUCKING FANCY FLUFFY MICRO-NOT-CHICKEN/RAPTOR AND IT IS UNAMERICAN TO KEEP ME FROM KEEPING A POTENTIAL ECOLOGICAL DISASTER AS A PET

I just want the raptor thing.

13
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Free Russian Orphans with Every Purchase
« on: January 11, 2018, 07:21:32 pm »
Complain about upper-middle class white suburbians and there shitty takes on poor people and food, and I get unsolicited advice on literally some of things I was shitting on the Susans of the worlds about. I don't know what I expected, but god  dammit I don't want or fucking need crockpot cooking advice.

I saw your thread, but I didn't see the person you were responding to.

14
Apple Talk / Re: Hopeful but realistic ten-year scenarios
« on: January 11, 2018, 03:53:03 pm »
I see us leveraging our core competencies in order to implement a solve involving mission critical turnkey solutions.

 :lulz:

I'm a sucker for that shit.

15
Apple Talk / Re: Hopeful but realistic ten-year scenarios
« on: January 11, 2018, 03:51:41 pm »
Hello, I'm back. I bear no ill will. :)


That's okay, I bore it for you.

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