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Messages - The Wizard Joseph

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Apple Talk / Re: New People Should Probably Read This.
« on: July 07, 2011, 09:00:50 pm »

So, to recap:  If you canít prove your case, but your opponent can, you should probably at least try to look at it from another point of view.  If your post is just intentional gibberish with no idea embedded, do it in private and for Godís sake wash your hands afterward.

What? And here I thought that's what the  :mittens: are for...  Um, sorry.  I'll clean 'em.  It'll be fine.  :oops:

Reality Disclaimer: The following is an act of fiction. All statements expressed are not real and neither are the words used to make them.  They express views and opinions of no kind.  No persons groups or entities portrayed are real either. 

Sudden quote: If Mathematics is the key to the universe, art is learning to pick the lock, and Funny is kicking the door in and failing!
A fiction continued...

"May you never lose the stars"- A traditional travel blessing among wizards.

"(he/she/it) has lost the stars"- a statement that there is no hope left for the subject, also a reference to anything struggling madly to no benefit.  Sometimes an insult implying incompetence.

  As I said, I am an outsider to this world.  I chose the word wizard from your English to describe myself because it is close enough as a descriptor. I will use the word for my kind as well.  Beings like my kind travel the planes and worlds with great frequency and are explorers and observers by nature and conditioning.  I believe I am not the first of my kind here but have no proof of this as you have lost much to your various "histories."  In truth I have no idea where here is. This may be a surprise to some, but the people of this world have been isolated and have become deceived. The form of what you call human is astoundingly common among the worlds.  Even immaterial beings, spirits and gods if you must, often prefer this form for it's sheer utility.  I was born to it just like you all.  I am also quite mortal and one day will die just like you as well. 

  In truth we are extremely similar but my kind are optimized for experiences that are perceptually and culturally denied to the majority of the people here.  I will tell you plainly, "All is change, nothing is impossible."  This is a basic truth among my kind.  Survival in a series of unknown environments requires such flexible perception and wizards train toward it.  I was a prodigy.  I am extraordinarily young compared to most functional wizards.  I dared where they would not and now have found myself marooned here on your world.  Worse, I have discovered that your world is toxic in ways that would terrify my ex-colleagues and that have limited my ability to work "magic".  The energies I must channel to do so may be over-generously described as sparse and tainted.  There have been no worlds known to us in such a condition.

  Though similar in form and perhaps of some common origin wizards are different in natural capability and skill.  We can see vaguely into what you call the ultraviolet light spectrum at all times and also easily commune with the immaterial beings in an area.  The sorcerers here use some very long and unreliable mental preparations to call on their deities and spirits that wizards are able to dispense with.  This is partially from the training and partially an inherent gift.  Indeed the first lesson for a student is often training to turn it off at will. The "license to depart" or banishment in your traditional summoning books is amusing in that it requires effort on par with ripping the wires out of one of your accursed "phones" and burying it in the back yard only to dig up, clean, and reassemble it when you want to use it again. The immaterial beings here have fooled you into unduly fearing them as gods or foolishly disregarding them as "non-existent."  The stories you have told yourselves tell me that they and their servants among you have run this ontological racket on you flawlessly. I guess even a god's gotta eat.

  I have been here for some time now and found some fascinating things.  Wizards are familiar with the energy form you call electricity. They shun it as able to (for lack of a better word) "de-wizard" a wizard that tries to channel it.  Being here has taught me that this is the result of ignorance and fear, though also true.  The fools try to use it as they use everything else and discard it as useless and dangerous when it fails to work the way they think it should.  You all showed me the light!  It's brilliant.  I understand the processes of how you make it and it's slave devices only poorly, but admire many of the material workarounds it has provided for the terrible shortage of magical energies here.  You do everything with it! You scry, commune, cook, clean, attack, defend, research, amuse, punish, illuminate, and do hosts of other things with it.  For such a recent development you've really just run with it in ways that would shame and terrify my old teachers.  I just love using the devices and taking them apart!

  Your "money" is also something known to us.  All cultures use a medium of exchange.  What is different here is the profound saturation of your minds it has accomplished.  When I saw that first dollar I knew it was a trick!  How could people trade stylish paper slips for everything?  I laughed so hard as I watched this happen over and over and even saw fights over it!  Clearly this was cheap sorcery at work, but EVERYONE was participating!  I immediately realized that survival here would be much better if I played along and found ways to acquire it when needed.  Even your spirits seem to really love it, their slaves ask for it so frequently. 



It took me some time to understand that you have merged your currency and your electrical signals.  The method by which this works is utterly fascinating to me.  You trust promises that only provably exist in the computer boxes that seem to run everything.  Frequently your own record exists in this fashion as well.  Your lives and livelihoods have become dependent on ephemeral representations of promises made by the various architects of your systems.  Out of necessity, but with great enjoyment, I learned to operate some of these computers you all seem to use.  I broke many at first, but they were already owned by, and on loan from, the spirit known as Great Garbage. 

I must explain the spirits of your world and how they function before I can explain Great Garbage.  You have MANY incorporeal beings around you all the time.  Like most beings they need to sustain themselves.  In most worlds and their planes this is a simple affair.  The energies and thought forms they need must be readily available.  Without them they are simply not present.  In my time here I have discovered that your spirits need not function in the usual ways.  Many have become predatory and operate by being fed by their servants or are attached to a concept that will never exhaust itself.  Great Garbage operates in both fashions.  It was also the first of the local spirits to manifest to me fully after my arrival.

(Frantic running, heavy breathing, incoherent shouting)
*Image of a cluttered alley with dumpster in the foreground.  Dumpster is sideways with back to right wall, Root City Waste Authority logo on side. Night time scene, and cool light*
*image of Wizard wearing soaked, semi-burnt rags running around background corner and into alley*

Wizard Inner Voice: By the stars! All I wanted was a meal!  Gotta get away...

(shouting gets closer, running slows)
*Wizard looks at dumpster*
*close up- emote Desperate resignation*

WIV: That looks like a spot!

*Wizard moves to foreground, opens lid of dumpster, Close up- emote total disgust*
(Semi coherent background shout "where the fuck did he go!?)

WIV: This will have to do.  If my luck is good there may be something edible in here too.

(sounds of clutter moving)
*Wizard struggles into dumpster and hides, buried in trash*
*Lid appears to slam closed on it's own*
(latching sound)
(Close foot falls)
*Gang banger 1 then 2 appear around corner of alley.  The are dressed in dark street clothes with hoods and bear tattoos and scarlet cloth tied in various places. Their eyes remain in shadow during the scene*

*close-up of both looking down alley. GB2 is shorter and seems dim and confused*
*GB1 looks over at GB2*

GB1:  I know this motherfucker came down this way! Shit.  I'm gonna find this hobo bitch and take my time on him.  Think he can get away and not pay onna tab at my guy's place of biz.  Fuck!

*GB1 turns head toward alley and image pops out to double bust height*

GB1: Gonna check further down.  You check around here in case he comes back this way.  You got it fucktard?

*GB1 exits across image to right in front of GB2*
(rapid diminishing foot falls)
*wide shot of alley.  GB2 knocks over several cans and boxes. Finds dumpster closed and latched.  Kicks dumpster several times and shouts*
(appropriate sound effects)

GB2: You bedda not be innere bitch!  (BOOM BOOM BOOM)
*layer image of Wizard holding ears closed and concentrating placidly inside of dumpster*

*GB2 struggles with latch,  but cannot figure it out*

GB2: Ugh! Fuck this shit, shit's stankin'!

*GB2 reaches into pocket and <closeup> lights a cigarette*

*GB2 stops looking around and smokes cigarette for a moment*
(cell phone rings)
*GB2 pulls phone out and puts phone to head*

Cell voice of GB1: Hey fuck this shit!  I just got a call on my guy's prime shipment that just came in.  Let's go get whipped, man!  We can find this motherfucker later. Meet me at the Fine Fizzle and hurry the fuck up!

Gb2: Hell yeah!  I'll be there inna...(click)
*GB2 takes a moment to realize he's been hung up on*

GB2: Mother fucker... 

*Gb2 exits left in background out of the alley*

*Alley shot zooms in slowly toward foreground side of dumpster as sound effect changes to reflect the inside of dumpster, Overlay image of wizard crouched in the foreground and pile of assorted garbage in near background "inside" dumpster*

(Audio adds echo effects to voices and occasional junk moving)

WIV:  (amused) This place is terrible.  Ugh. I do not know what that smell is, but I think it unhealthy.  I must find one of those light-sticks of theirs to see with.  Oh...   I am not alone.

(shuffling and some snapping, possibly quiet simple tone music)
*Close up of trash as garbage moves around slightly and a face of trash is lit in  dim cool light with UV paint adding anthropomorphic touches.*

(sound note: actual voice nonsense will be subtly under the "Inner Voice" sound to reflect actual speech being done by wizard character. Similarly the trash or any other spirit will be punctuated with appropriate sound effects under the voice.  For trash it would be crumplings, sound of spillage, or whatever.  These will be added later when I get this to audio production and not reflected here)

WIV: (Curious, unworried) Who are you?

Trashy:  (friendly)  Heyhey.  what the fuck? welcome to my place!  It 's not like everyday I get to have a motherfucking guest over, much less just what my boss wanted to see..  You!  Call me Trashy!

*junk face close up with arranged grin*

WIV: What!? Do you know me?

*Junk grin still on eyes narrow*

TRA: Hell yes !  We know everything!  We know where ALL the bodies are buried.  Nothing gets lost without us knowing it.  And unless my shit deceives me YOU motherfucker are lost!

*Close up wizard face, Eyebrow up in confusion*

WIV: I did not understand half of that, but I am definitely lost.  Listen.. Trashing(?) I need to get going, and I have nothing more than thanks to offer for your hospitality, but THANK YOU very much.

*Wizard tries to stand*
(Sound effects of banging and rattling, appropriate garbage scuffling)

WIV: (annoyed) Please open the door Trashing.

TRA: (Sick deep-lung laughter)  It ain't up to me anymore, stop it dickhead.  Settle in! The latch is on the outside and we're gonna just sit tight and see my boss in the morning. 

*Face of Trashy looking up still smiling but less so*

TRA: You hungry?

(Noises stop, settling trash as wiz sits)
*Wizard settles into garbage trying to put on a game face while starving*

WIV: Do you have food?

*BIG Trash grin*

TRA: Hell yeah! On the house.  Check that paper bag over there man! There's a whole sandwich in there still in the wrapper!  Have at it baby! 

*Wizard inspects bag and finds pristine sandwich wrapped in unnecessary amounts of paper*
(sounds of paper rustling and occasional chewing during following dialogue)

WIV: Thank you Trashing!  You have helped me twice now and I will remember it.  (chewing)  Who is the boss you want to bring me to?

*close up of Trashy changing expression in time to dialog*

TRA: It's TrashYY, and my boss is Great Garbage, baby!  You're new here so let me just tell you there's no betta boss in this whole fucked up world.  Garbage knows everything..   knew when you got here and sent word out to find you.  Guess I just got lucky.  Maybe I'll get me a promotion!  Maybe a bigger dumpster, like one of them rail cars.  I always wanted to travel!

WIV: You live in this container?

*momentary close up of wizard's eyes looking cool and reserved*

TRA: You could say that.  I don't get much reason to head out to the landfill and see the boss, so I mostly stay here and do collection.  In a few hours a truck will be by and it'll bring us to the boss, you just sit tight.

WIV: Sit tight to what?  I do not understand.  What is a truck?

TRA: Shit you really are lost!  Don't know what a truck is.. (Sick chuckle)  You'll find out!  Just settle in and take a nap or something.  It'll all shake out in the morning.

*Bust wide shot of wizard and Trashy, wizard settling in*
(pronounced settling of garbage sounds)

WIV: It is warmer in here.  Very well Trashy, I will wait.  Thank you for your help. 

TRA: Heh heh he-hack!  Don't mention it.. eh you got a name?

*Close up of wizard's eyes looking tired and far away*

WIV: I hope you will understand that I am not ready to trade names with you, TRASHY.  Some things are invaluable.  Slumber well.


Apple Talk / Re: And Then, Suu, There's The Women
« on: July 06, 2011, 05:27:15 am »
Once upon a time a man found a bottle and when he opened it out popped a djinn.  The man's eyes went wide and he asked, "Do i get my 3 wishes?"  "Uh, no." Said the djinn.  "I'm just a bottle djinn, not a lamp djinn, so you only get one wish!"  The man thought for a moment and asked "Can I get a bridge built from California to Hawaii? I like to visit my brother, but hate to fly." The djinn was shocked.  "That's a lot of work asshole!  It would take me years!  Pick something else.. anything.  The man said, "Well Ok.  I'd like to truly understand women!"  The djinn slumped and asked "Will that be a one lane bridge or a two lane bridge?"

To me it seems like any other building project.  All the work in the world can't fix a relationship if the raw material isn't there or is bad.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Icarus
« on: July 05, 2011, 11:02:30 pm »
Maybe paranoid but..

My (limited) understanding is that "anons" are not centrally organized and might be considered more of a ladder conspiracy or similar. 

If there is no knowable organizer then it becomes possible to use the rhetoric and format to simply stir up people to do what you suggest.

There's serious money on the table here for someone that's ready to short the fall (if it happens). 

It would also likely allow for more "Anti-terror" legislation, and only the less skillful participants are likely to take the fall.

Perhaps this is an attempt by the con to use anon.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: So...Ann Coulter has a new book out
« on: July 03, 2011, 11:34:53 pm »
Just the cover makes me think this book may be Lovecraft-like in it's toxicity.  You just can't unread some things.  I do know for a fact that the "demon" vibe Coulter's going for has been done by better, but none of THOSE guys had a rack like this guy does.

Ah, misogyny. Notice how, whenever the name of Coulter or any prominent woman comes up, some fucktard, instead of arguing against her actions and ideas, has to call her ugly and mannish and point out that she has breasts.

Cain, I for one would be interested to see how she pulls off lumping those contradictory categories, if you are willing to risk your mind.
I apologize
You're right, that was off color.  I was merely pointing out that such attributes are appealing in ways that many (usually male) propagandists can't imitate.
I saw a pic looking up the name and it had a very convincing adam's apple that was not likely real.  
It inspired a joke.  She'd definitely intelligent and in no way did the other pics strike me a "mannish" at all.  She seems like what Joseph Groebbels could have done if he had THAT kind of appeal.

Edit added

Cain, If I may I would like to join this discussion.  I'll find a copy of the book and read it.  I promise to behave decently and thoughtfully.  This wouldn't be my first book discussion, just my first on a forum.

Apple Talk / Re: And Then, Suu, There's The Women
« on: July 03, 2011, 06:11:46 pm »
 :lulz:  :mittens:

Aneristic Illusions / Re: So...Ann Coulter has a new book out
« on: July 03, 2011, 05:50:31 pm »
Just the cover makes me think this book may be Lovecraft-like in it's toxicity.  You just can't unread some things.  I do know for a fact that the "demon" vibe Coulter's going for has been done by better, but none of THOSE guys had a rack like this guy does.


Apple Talk / Re: UNLIMITED Wizard Joseph Garbage Collection Thread.
« on: July 02, 2011, 10:16:40 pm »
Original thread: started by Cramulus.

Five [5] Things that Satanists could learn from Discordians from bettedoom's blog
*"We Discordians should stick apart!": On a scale of Wicca to drama-free, the votaries of Eris have us beat-hands down. Why could this be? The more closely-knit a community, the more that peer and mentor relationships tend to moderate and maintain homogeneity among its adherents. Both Satanism and its dotty great-aunt Discordianism benefit from the opposite tactic. It is this sound advice that gives rise to the tradition that all Discordian popes undertake as their first papal action the excommunication of all other Discordian popes and momes.

I can still taste the milk that got stuck in my sinuses when he(?) implied that the "Votaries of Eris" get little drama.
The truth is "Auntie Eris" is drama and will spank your ass if you get loud.
If we seem better off than some it's because open argument is far better for a group than secretive bitching and power-playing.
It does not work well in hierarchies.... Ah.. Ah! *Achoocifer!!..* (X'cuse me, sniff)
By nature it thins the ranks and leaves the competent people strong and adaptable instead of more dependent on "little people" at the bottom of the tower.

If someone has ever graced the author with a "genuine" PD Pope card the absurdity of the statement made here would be funnier!
"Every man, woman, and child on this earth is a genuine and authorized pope. reproduce and distribute these cards freely"
It's not like Erisians need a declaration of Anemic Will to be one or something.
Just a good copier service.

*Although it is very good and wise to hold serious reservations about the existence of Deity, it is equally good and wise to entertain the possibility, especially when faced with the problems of theodicy, that god is a crazy woman.

It's good and wise to hold intelligent reservations.
Serious reservations tend to get stuck in your head...even when they're just no good anymore.
Now, Eris can be off the reservation entirely, but she's only half of the Chao(to some)!
If there is an Omni-God it's beyond duality, and theodicy(reconciling the goodness and powerful nasty side of God) is like being appologetic to a gazell for the lion's strength and hunger.
Nobody involved cares, probably best to move on.  :fnord:

*Both religion and humor are attempts to negotiate the mind-rending alienation and misery of the human condition and are excellent antidotes to the most horrible of life's pains-boredom. Religion and comedy are both born in pain, one seeks to escape or ameliorate that pain through its own means, but comedy approaches what is painful with an intimate smirk.

Life' got much worse than boredom available, obviously. 
More subtly, Good comics and clergy are rarely alienated people. 
The best have usually had a few mind-rendings and come out stronger for it. 
What is unique to Discordians is that the whole thing is a joke AND an assertion of reality that borders religion. 
Discordians are the laughing tears, the moment the pain got so bad it got funny. 
It's kissing death on the teeth and grabbing his bony ass while you pick his pockets. It's multitasking... schmuck! :roll:

*The care and keeping of mythology is our responsibility. In the good ole' days, stone idols were dressed and made up continuously, as the ancients understood that devotion literally fed their gods, who would wither and die without it. The story of the Great Snub need not compete with the Illiad.

Is he saying that Satanists should look to Discordians for tips on keeping a mythology together?   
Maybe the first priest to dress up an idol in gaudy crap was taking fashion and financial advice from one.

"Oh, no nonono! The Big Owl wants a red SILK shawl today. I happen to have the very finest, but just barely enough and I just hate to part with it, but if you insist. For the Owl!"

I doubt it got all traditional until after said Discordian's caravan was long gone.

Additionally a question: If the gods NEED us to feed and change them regularly wouldn't that make US the superiors?
Also the Illiad sucked, Homer left out all the good parts.

*Anarchy and advanced bureaucracy are phases of one renewing cycle, and the natural forces of entropy are sufficient to topple any tyrant.

THIS kind of idea is what every tyrant is counting on.  This keeps some of the brightest and most capable minds and wills in check..  Waiting out the tyrant only prolongs the transition from bureaucracy to aftermath.  Patience is all well and good, but the Discordians know the option to act upon the self to adapt is just as good as trying to change the circumstances. Neither choice is just waiting it out.

I think that Satanists can be awesome(I've known quite a few), but for me it's Eris that has all the cards.   :)
I think Discordiansim adapts and creates as a function of the (non)self image it can foster in people.  :p
I think Satanists could learn alot from us, but they would no longer be serving anybody or anything if they got the lesson.  :fap:
I think black robes get too stuffy and hot with all those candles burning.  :argh!:
I think there is no 5. :fap:
I think if you're gonna drink black wine you should do it for the flavor and have a snack or tums handy.  :fnord:
I think fiction can own you if you're not willing to tweak it to suit your tastes. :sad:
I think I'm allergic to goats. :cry:
I think Anton Lavey looked great with a snake and hand-made hoodie with little horns, both a gift from his Auntie I'm sure. :fap:
I think 10 is the real number of man and most of us are just blind in one eye.  :wink:

Apple Talk / Re: UNLIMITED Wizard Joseph Garbage Collection Thread.
« on: July 02, 2011, 08:44:15 pm »
I've decided that as a way to keep my more wordy crap off the threads I'll use this one. 
It was gonna be my garbage anyway.
I'll just post a quote from what I'm looking at and comment to my hearts content here, that way I won't step on toes and IF someone wants to hear my crap from the rest of the forum they'll find it here. 
I apologize to those I've snapped at and for jumping blind into these forums without understanding the etiquette and problems of the place.
I do love and think I understand Discordianism, but know that I'm still learning.

May I post the rest of my thoughts on this Bettedoom's blog entry?  It may be long, and I'm not trying to be all coool.  I just want to take a crack at it.   :evil: Please?

Do you have the proper paperwork and fees?


May I post the rest of my thoughts on this Bettedoom's blog entry?  It may be long, and I'm not trying to be all coool.  I just want to take a crack at it.   :evil: Please?

Apple Talk / Re: UNLIMITED Wizard Joseph Garbage Collection Thread.
« on: July 01, 2011, 03:39:59 pm »
 :) Now I know what butthurt means. Sorry I've been an ass.

Apple Talk / Re: UNLIMITED Wizard Joseph Garbage Collection Thread.
« on: June 30, 2011, 06:30:59 pm »
CRAM!  We need WOMP! 



Greetings Cramulus.

that's all very nice and all, but no, we're not going to be friends on facebook,

Like I said, I could be wrong, in which case it would be dickbag of me to keep bringing it up

you just keep doing what you're doing,
you probably won't hear from me

Good enough then.  I have no personal issue with you and would have done what you did in such shitty circumstances, just perhaps sooner.  Or more personally with surprise elements.  Whatever tho it's over enough for me.

As for hearing from me it's clear that I'm an interloper here... even to me.  I'm done posting anything(outside my own threads) for a bit except perhaps mittens or anything more than a line or so of text.  Not about you guys.  Clearly I need my eyes here more than my mouth.

as for a thousand metric shit tons of butthurt... if that's a threat find me!  You can Dok.  Circumstances forced me to let you.  If you do look me in the eye before you change the nature of our conflict.  Personally sorry my shit offends you, but if you mean something by this and come after me, my site, my stuff, my friends, or any other thing in my life I have no cover.  I don't want it.  Didn't think I'd need it when I came here and started posting, then this shit happened. 

I'll be chillin' under the scope.

Apple Talk / Re: UNLIMITED Wizard Joseph Garbage Collection Thread.
« on: June 30, 2011, 06:04:42 pm »
You seem to like the idea of putting your nuts on the table. Don't do that. People eat there. It's unsanitary. You might get crumbs in your pubes.

I assure you that I do not.  That said a crab's gotta eat too.

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