All posts by cramulus

Ewige Obamankraft!

WE already knew it, of course. Vance, of finally caught on too.

Now that “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy” has picked Joe Biden as his running mate, the question remains: Why did he wait the 23rd to announce?

Traditionally politicians announce things late on Friday that they don’t want to get too much attention (because it’s a dead spot for MSM cycles). Assuming Obama had made his pick by Thursday, announcing it that night would have been a night-and-day difference in how much it was ballyhooed.

So why pick this dead spot for this high-profile announcement? The answer, obviously, is that in announcing on August 23rd, Obama is performing the first phase of an Illuminati ritual. If he is involved with this gnostic Illuminati sect, expect another signal on November the 5th.

I told you guys he wasn’t a secret Muslim.

What Do You Do?

You are slumbering blissfully, dreaming of things that were, things that are, things that will be, and things that never will be. Your fantasy slides gently from the normal into the unbelievable, then pirouetting back into normality as dreams are wont to do.

A perfectly boring fourth-grade math lesson is disrupted by your teacher’s transformation into a clown, who proceeds to blast the classroom full of marshmallows with his rainbow-colored rifle. Your friend Danny gobbles up the candy with uncanny speed, then finally swallows the clown. Danny explodes in a puff of pink smoke, and through the wisps you see your teacher once again.

After class you find yourself flying with your friend Danny, soaring through the sky on leathery wings, on your way towards Dinzyworld… What a summer it will be! You make a broad loop through a cloud, singing with joy, when suddenly…


You are woken up by the buzzing of an alarm clock. You open your eyes and blink in the morning light streaming in from your window, the dreamy haze quickly dissipating into oblivion. You’re still very tired…

  • To hit the snooze button, go to Page 2… “Just another ten minutes, mom….”
  • To get up and jump out of bed, go to Page 3… “Let’s get this day started RIGHT!”

Nigel, on the Switching Prank

Over at the PD Forums, we were having a discussion about how to create discord within someone’s environment without ruining their day. Nigel had this advice:

Extremely subtle, confusing changes; funny. Extremely large, confusing changes; possibly funny, if done with a high level of forethought. I like to plant products in people’s houses, and do shit like replace their half-used jug of milk with a half-used jug of different milk, or put a handful of mayonnaise packets in their butter compartment, just because it’s subtle enough to make them question their own realities. Adding magazines to their bedside table or stuffing a pair of socks under the blanket at the foot of the bed, or adding a pair of shoes in their size to their closet, are also good. You can choose things which really DO fuck with people’s MINDS, making it a MINDfuck and not just an irritating obvious prank.

from the GASM Command forum.

The Strange Times

This morning I looked out my window and I saw a unsettling and surreal painting sprawling out to the edge of the sunrise.

Jedi and zombies, vampires and ninjas, cat suits and kings, robots and chameleons, prophets and the profane, and everybody’s together, eyes match forward, getting on the train.

We call it the Strange Times. This is the state of modern living.

We live in a world weirder than any realm any explorer could ever hope to map. This is a world where your nervous system, tangled with fractals creeping like vines, extends its tendrils into the modern jungle.

Rule 34: if it exists, there is pornography involving it. There are lollypops with bugs in them. People get surgery to look exactly like Barbie Dolls. There are humans that have become lizards and tigers. The guys in suits have all become cyborgs. Children don’t just play Cowboys and Indians anymore, now they play Self Aware Artificial Intelligence versus the Benevolent Plutocracy.

It’s the strange times and every human being, even the boring ones, are unspeakably, unknowably weird.

Everybody used to be into the same stuff, you know? Everybody was at cocktail hour, everybody was into the Beatles, everybody was bathing together in the mainstream. But something happened as the stream got quicker, it forked out into a million little tributaries. The mainstream isn’t a river anymore, it’s an acqueduct and a sewer all at the same time. It’s underneath us, always moving, carrying along all these images and symbols and the familliar sound of the ocean. Ideas bump into each other, and sometimes they STICK, and that’s how we get things like a music gadget you can masturbate with, or Japanese game shows dubbed with slapstick comedy banter. It’s not because these ideas are good ideas in of themselves, it’s because the mainstream keeps juxtaposing these bits of shrapnel in new ways. It’s all being churned up, and the whirlpool keeps getting faster.

Nothing has prepared us for the Strange Times.

If you think you can study history and make some educated guess at what’s going to happen next, you’re dead wrong. Yeah humans are still humans – those poor shit flinging monkeys, trapped inside their nervous systems. When you zoom out, they’re not individual drops of water, they’re the swell and pulse of a wild ocean. That hasn’t changed in six thousand years. But these times are different. There is wholesome sex in bathrooms and righteous violence in the highschools. Kingdoms make war upon each other not by sacking cities, but by cutting deep sea internet cables. Super-memes collide and bounce off each other like sumo wrestlers, every single cell in their bloated bodies contains a lonely and confused human being. Our language is not evolving quick enough to keep pace. Words like “Good”, “Evil”, “Know”, “Learn”, and “To Be” are woefully inadequate to describe the modern world. These are the dangers of modern living.

We spent thousands of years living in caves, working the fire and the rock. Then we caught the City virus, and the city spirit used us to build hundreds of temples. We spent generations in the sun, tilling the fields for the Nobles. Then we fled into darkness of the factories, the air choked with the din of industry. In hindsight, it seemed to happen in a predictable way. Build, destroy. Thesis, antithesis, synthesis. Sunrise, sunset. Now we’re in a world that doesn’t sleep. If it’s light here, it’s dark somewhere else, like a snake biting its tail. People on the other side of the world are your neighbors, but there is an interminable distance between you and the guy next door (who you’ve never actually met). You see them every day, but the people on the train will remain strangers, and stranger still.

Odd juxtapositions are the sign of the Strange Times. Comedians are doing impressions of the King. The Catholic Pope looks just like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. We sit in the dark around a flickering campfire and listen to the news man tell us stories about the Dangers of Modern Living. The news man knows that when you juxtapose an image with the story, it creates a new meaning which is somewhere in between the ear and the eye. And if we zoom out a tiny bit, the story is juxtaposed with the house that the TV is in. And if we zoom out, that house is inside your head, next to all these other symbols and squiggles and values.

And then at some point, someone thinks its sexy to dress up like a cartoon cat.

Nobody’s prepared us for the Strange Times, and there are literally billions of humans that can’t cope with it. They could deal with being serfs, they could deal with being soldiers, those are simple lives with simple choices. Now its come time to make a new story for themselves by assembling all these weird symbols into a lifestyle, a personality, a set of values. And they just don’t know how to do it. They look to culture to get clues for how to swim and be happy and break even in this weird world, and all they see are porn models and ninja turtles and humane terrorism and the extreme left and the extreme right and nothing is centered.

If it was as easy as just dealing with the sun and the crops, however hard it might be, people would pull through and maintain. But there are million choices and complexities and nuances and shrapnel flying at you like throwing knives and pillow fights and semen and bananna cream pies.

We think it’s best to laugh.



There are two drives at war within each of us – the creation and maintenance of order, and the reckless breakneck chase of disorder.

Visualize a skinny nerd walking a big dog. The dog is trying to pull the nerd where he wants to go, and the nerd is gripping the leash with white knuckles. And you are neither the nerd nor the beast, but both at the same time.

  Continue reading Arête

Go Go Goddess Motorcycle!

Sick of the Flying Spaghetti Monster being the only Neophillic Irreligion available for kids? Here’s a quick jake for the children.


Some background on the site, from the PARENTS section:

Why go goddess?
Rather than by age, tweens are best defined by their state of mind as they enter a transition period between childhood and adolescence. go goddess! is a brand focusing exclusively on the development of self-esteem for tween girls by encouraging self-discovery, self-expression, and self-awareness. The purpose of the go goddess! concept is to encourage tweens to discover their talents and interests, and to emphasize the importance of embracing their inner beauty and unique attitudes as they navigate the tough world of being a tween.

Why focus on tweens?
Experts suggest that it is during the tween years that girls begin to pay attention to their “inner voice.” They begin to compare themselves to their peers, which can result in self-doubt. “Tween-agers” also begin to question their individual idea of what is right and what is wrong, rather than solely relying on their parents’ opinions. The intent of the go goddess! concept is to provide girls with a healthy outlet to explore their unique and budding interests during this impressionable period.

consider the above when writing letters.

If you sign up, play nice on the site, there are kids there. But go ahead and try every trick in the book to get them to take us seriously.

(credit to Lysergic for finding this joint)


Clergy to the Freaks

It’s a strange, chaotic world out there. It’s incomprehensibly huge and also so tiny it’s like your own personal cell. It’s miraculously beautiful and suicidally ugly. It’s both claustrophobically overcrowded and desolately lonely.


There are a lot of people – in this case I’ll use that nebulous “us” – who use weirdness, humor, and insanity as a means of coping. Perhaps lunacy allows some to achieve a sort of homeostasis, an equilibrium with the ubiquitious dynamics and pressures of modern living.


Over at the PD Forums we had a debacle yesterday. One of our newer members, Daruko, had a sort of “internet breakdown” when confronted by some opposition. It was both funny and hard to watch. The guy in question is a 25-year old father of two, who is “in dire need of some sillyness in his life.”


Somebody asked Tim Leary what to do after they had Turned On. He said, “Find the others.” And then they show up at our door.


Continue reading Clergy to the Freaks