I’m sure there are international laws against this kind of thing
The New York Times, in their neverending crusade against common sense and fact based reporting, has decided, in their infinite wisdom, to give a column to Bono. Yes, that Bono. And already, his first article is turning out to be a failure of near epic proportions. Its like Thomas Friedman, on acid. Bad acid.
Fortunately, you can read the condensed version of all future articles at the following link (hat tip to Jean-Lustine d’Hadamard).
I Cried Right Into My Cornflakes(tm)
If you’re an insurance company, and rely on making your customers feeling “safe” to be successful, it’s easy to see why being an internet based insurance company could make your job more difficult. Luckily, swiftcover.com has hit on the solution to this conundrum.
I feel safer already…
Steampunk is hazardous to your health
Radium paint is kickass, no matter what anyone says.
Hat-tip to Warren Ellis.
Subverse social messages in Thomas the Tank Engine
I don’t know who you are, or why you were Googling that, or even why you ended up here (though it does sound like something one of us would write about), but I think I love you, simply for supplying my mind with the possibility of such a thing being true.
More on the Watchmen state of affairs
Reading this open letter from the producers, its looking like the Fox case against Warner, whatever the legal validity, is little more than the result of sour apples. That Warner have taken the risks, put in the work and invested the money, only for the result to be that Fox, who refused to do any of that when given the chance, is nothing short of unbelievable.
Thanks to P3nt on the forums for the link.
101 ways to make everybody’s day weirder
1. Midway through the day, change into a different set of clothes. If anybody notices, insist you’ve been wearing the same clothes all day.
2. Answer the phone with an arbitrary question.
3. Switch all the clothes in someone’s dresser with clothes from someone else’s dresser (possibly yours). If they live together and will bump into each other wearing each other’s clothes, all the better.
4. Put things which couldn’t possibly be mailed in people’s mailboxes, like a glass of water, or a bowl of popcorn. Write the address on it and attach proper postage.
5. When you’re about to enter a room full of people, call one of them on your cell phone. In a desperate, very serious voice, explain: “There’s no time to explain, but I’ve been kidnapped and replaced with a robot which looks just like me. Oh shit, I gotta go!” and hang up quickly.
6. Hide notes that people will find when they’re cleaning. Suggestions include: “This note was hidden on <date> and it took you this long to find it?”
7. Hide a note which says “Congratulations! You found me! Re-hide me for ++GOOD LUCK”
8. Put non food items in the fridge. It’s often very startling to open the fridge and see a telephone or car keys or something which totally doesn’t belong there. If asked for an explanation, say, “After a hard day, there’s nothing like a refreshing, ice cold magazine.” or pencil sharpener. or toilet paper. or tooth brush. or whatever.
9. Alternatively, hide other people’s things in the fridge. When your housemate asks, “Where’s the remote control?” you can nonchalantly say “Oh, it’s in the fridge.” Protip: have a change-of-topic or excuse to leave the room on the tip of your tongue so as to avoid any followup questions.
10. Record something short, and put a few minutes of silence on both ends of it. Hide your mp3 player + speakers somewhere with that track playing on repeat.
11. If you can surreptitously record someone and put THEIR voice on the tape, even better. Hide the recording somewhere where they’ll probably hear it. Imagine how weird it would be to hear your own voice coming from somewhere unseen, and not be able to figure out what’s happening.
12. Put up a sign anywhere you want with an arbitrary question.
13. Skip to work. Especially effective if your company makes you wear “business professional” attire.
14. Break out into spontaneous Irish Jigs in the hallway. You get more viewers when you do this between 12 noon and 1 PM and do it near the break room.
15. Neck poking is fun. Nobody expects it, and it gets quit a reaction.
16. Inappropriate multitasking: Brush your teeth while cooking. Floss while standing at a urinal. Mix n’ match gone wrong.
17. Sit down in a hallway, aisle, etc. Someone is sure to ask if you’re OK. That’s your set up.
18. Use the most inefficient utensil possible to eat. (Eating Combos or pretzels out of a bag with chopsticks was pioneered by Leln and myself)
19. Stop a conversation with “Wait a second…”, and then see how long it takes someone to butt in. Act incredulous when they ask why you said it. Insist you never did.
20. Insert “Spies are everywhere.” or “The walls have ears.” into otherwise harmless conversations.
New cache of HIMEOBS propaganda discovered
Some scenes may be disturbing for younger viewers:
Being a Discordian Daddy
I’m a little neurotic anyway. I think I’m also probably just on the edge of being OC. Anyhoo, ever since I stumbled upon this Discordian thing, I’ve used it to reassess things I do in my little life. One of those being Daddyhood.
I was a Dad before I was a Discordian. Or, I was a Dad before I discovered I WAS a Discordian, or at least, a Dad who had inherently shared some Discordian-like philosophies. I think it was really the discussions that lead to the BIP metaphor and pamphlet where I really started to reassess how I was operating as a Father. And I’m not talking about the basics of feeding, clothing, providing shelter, that sort of thing. It’s really more about the guidance I provide her. I’m well aware that no matter what I do, I WILL be a major factor in how her bars in her BIP are built. There’s simply no way around it, not that there should be. The question becomes, how can I best allow her to maximize HER control over her bars?Â
An easy example is when she was a young toddler she took a fascination to trains. I think it started with a free book the pediatrician gave us during one of her checkups. A basic board book about trains. Naturally, she eventually became aware of Thomas the Tank Engine and became enamored with the TV show and the toys. Western societal norms suggest that these would be “boy toys”. When you see the commercials or ads in magazines, they show little boys dressed in blue playing with these things. Rarely do you see a little girl. Now, I know, I know, “big whoop, you let your girl play outside of the gender box.” And you’re right. But the thing of it is, there are many parents out there who would steer a little girl towards Barbies and away from Trains and Trucks. And it can often be an unthinking or unreasoned reaction. This is what I try to avoid, without becoming anal about it.Â
I think this falls under the “picking your battles” meme that is pervasive in many a Parenting book or magazine. Where this meme falls short, however, is delving into normative behaviors. It’s great to explain to a Parent how sometimes it doesn’t make sense to fuss over whether or not they eat every single carrot. But what I would like to see more of is talking to parents about not making a fuss over every time their child acts a little goofy in public. I think many parents try so hard to prevent their child from becoming Dennis the Menace that they end up unwittingly caging their character. The joyful anarchy of childhood needs to be unrestrained and allowed to explore the territory of the world. Obviously, this has to happen within the confines of safety and security.Â
Discovering the Discordian philosophies and being a part of the development of the BIP ideas has been a very good experience for me as a Daddy. I think I have developed a better understanding of just how much I can impact without knowing. It’s given me a unique perspective on my role as a parent. As much as I need to keep her physically and mentally safe, I also need to provide the freedom for HER to find out who she is. It is a joy to see it unfold.
A glossary of terms relating to Discordianism
DISCORDIANISM: Like Wicca, it started off as a religion for pot-smoking hippie bums who wanted to pass off their bullshit as a philosophical statement. The key difference was it was full of jokes plagiarized from the Marx brothers. Somewhere along the line, like many obscure things that deserved to stay obscure, it got co-opted by sweaty, anime-downloading computer nerds and has become some stupid inside joke on message boards full of assholes, giving it as much meaning and significance as All Your Base Are Belong To Us.
THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS: Discordians who get bored of saying “Fnord” and “Hail Eris” and wanted to make up new nonsense phrases and pretend like saying them while giggling was a constructive act of activism.
THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA: Between “My First ABCs” and “The Essential Guide to Star Wars Ships” in terms of literary importance
THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS: Like the Principia Discordia, only 100 pages longer, and it costs 20 bucks instead of being able to find it on Google.
THE ILLUMINATUS TRILOGY: A plagiarism of Joyce’s work filled with nerdy pop culture references and pretentious rantng.
SCHR?ñDINGER’S CAT: A plagiarism of Vonnegut’s work filled with nerdy pop culture references and pretentious ranting.
ROBERT ANTON WILSON: A man who has accumulated a small fortune selling plagiarisms of Joyce and Vonnegut filled with nerdy pop culture references with pretentious ranting.
MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER: Some “wacky” nom de plume of a man who probably wrote The Principia Discordia in a stained tie-dye T-shirt on a bongwater-stained couch while listening to a highly worn LP of Freak Out!, The White Album, or The Piper at the Gates of Dawn. Wasn’t smart enough to copyright his work so probably died alone and penniless on a gutter while clenching a Coke bottle pipe filled with schwag, while his buddy Robert Anton Wilson eats steak for dinner in his dining room.
KERRY THORNLEY/LORD OMAR/A BILLION OTHER STUPID PSEUDONYMS: Wrote ten crazy Xeroxed rants about Libertarianism and thought his friends were agents of the Illuminati, now posthumously considered a genius.
STEVE JACKSON: The poster boy for the official point of transformation of the vast majority (ie: 40) of Discordians changing from hippie slackers to D&D nerds who wish they could have been alive to be hippie slackers like their parents.
FNORD: A word invented to be used in the boring, pointless signatures, “hilarious” spam, and half-hearted graffiti of Discordians. Might have been a slightly funny inside joke between RAW, Thornley, and Malaclypse, but the Internet beat it into the ground like it does everything
23: The fact that that number can sometimes be seen somewhere is proof of an elaborate evil conspiracy/magical cosmic force that protects and strengthens all Discordians
THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI: The 19th century version of the Discordians. IE: They had great ideas but we’re too lazy and fuckwitted and unorganized to get anything done so instead they just made a bunch of bullshit. So obviously the Discordian society idolizes them.
THE POEE: 12 members strong.
THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY: 18 members strong.
WWW.PRINCIPIADISCORDIA.COM: An expensive domain name that somebody pays for solely to host a 60-page book that can be found for a yardsale at 25 cents, or in it’s entirity on the first 13 pages of a Google search. In other word, a nerd who felt the obligation to make a site that wasn’t about what bands they like or how similar to Hitler Bush is.
ERISIANS: Discordians who insist on being called something else to be difficult
ERIS/DISCORDIA: There is a disagreement among Discordians and Erisians as to her nature. Discordians think she’s a cartoon character with magic powers who help them out and who they fantasize to while masturbating, (that is, when they’re too lazy to open up their porn folder or turn to the Dryad page of the D&D Monster Manual) Erisians think the same thing although they sprinkle it with some Taoist metaphysical stuff.
OPERATION MINDFUCK: A way to make the world a better place that apparently involves trolling conservative communities, writing notes on bathroom walls, making up little pieces of paper that say “LOL U R TEH POPE” and being too afraid to hand them out to people, and contemplating all of these brilliant ideas on a message board and being too lazy to do any of them.
JAKE: Like a mindfuck except more childish, if that’s possible
WWW.POEE.CO.UK: A website with a professional-looking appearance and informative content. This makes it’s owner Syntapgjax, a Fake Discordian, since obviously the definition of “Discordian” is “someone who can’t get their shit together”
FAKE DISCORDIAN: A term thrown around a lot for practitioners of a religion that embraces ontological freedom and equality. It’s actually a redundant term.
“WE DISCORDIANS MUST STICK APART”: An excuse for not having your shit together
CHAOS MAGIC: If Wicca is people who need an authority figure to give their minds permission to use magic adopting books form Barnes and Noble as such, than Chaos Magic is the same, only with Google and Alice in Wonderland.
ZENARCHY: A term used by Discordians who have to pretend they’re too enlightened to use terms like “Anarchist” to describe their political belief, so they use a term that sounds deep but is actually an unfunny portmanteau, like “Zenarchist” so they can pretend they’re too cool for politics.
THE LAW OF FIVES: An important lesson in epistemological relativism becomes an inside joke among people who make stupid polls on the Internet to waste their lives away
COPYRITE/KOPYRIGHT/KOPYRITE/COPYLEFT/KOPYLEFT: A term that’s obviously Discordian because of the lame pun. Spawned Wikipedia, which is what sexless nerds use as an authoritative source of knowledge, in the same way imperialist intellectual elitists used the Britannica.
DISCORDIAN SAINT: Someone who the government hasn’t forced to take their meds yet
THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA.COM FORUMS: Where you can read jokers bickering like the cast of MASH towards the end of the show and pretending that they’re better than 95 percent of DeadJournal users somehow. Also full of long, drawn out, pointless rants that just reiterate the same uninsightful points. Discordians are nerds who don’t have enough sex.